Husband's attitude since diagnosis

[Lidlisthebusiness]

So a couple of weeks ago, I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed Type 1 diabetic. It's been a huge shock, and every day there is more and more information that I need to learn about and understand. It's overwhelming! I had to tell him via text what was going on, and I got some strange replies from him. It all went wrong when I mentioned something on a phone call and he's actually blaming me for having diabetes. He says I could've eaten better and done more fitness over the years and then this may not have happened. Despite me countering this with the fact there are high level athletes who are in tip top condition with type 1, and it's something you're born with, he's saying it's my fault and I've impacted him and our children horribly by having it. As if I chose this. He started shouting at me over the video call, shaking the phone in anger and ended up hanging up on me. We haven't spoken all day, and I really don't know where to go from here. I'm so disappointed and sad that this is his reaction. What about in sickness and in health? What if it was a different illness, a cancer I couldn't have prevented? I don't know what to do, and really don't need this on top of the diagnoses. I was hoping his initial reaction was caused by concern for me, or the worry that he isn't home, but it seems he's just angry with me for not going to the gym and eating better to prevent and unpreventable illness.

he’s clearly confused between type 1 and type 2 but he shouldn’t have jumped to so many conclusions and treated you like shit
Quite.
OP, what do you think of the most charitable interpretation possible, that he's so panicked and shocked that he's acted out of character?
Or is this basically in character?
Is this a heads up to you that he's not the partner you need?

I don’t understand why you’re having these conversations by text and video call but these are discussions probably best had in person.

You said that the information you’ve had to learn and understand is overwhelming, and it’ll be the same for him, so trying to relay this info over the phone when he’s ?working away? or ?not at home? isn’t the way to do it.

What's she meant to do, say nothing until she gets home? Or be all mysterious and vague until they speak in person? How daft.

He's being a dick, I'd print out the type 1 and type 2 diabetes sheets from NHS website and give them to him. He's clearly mixing the two up.

She was admitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago, but this video call incident has happened today. She says they haven’t spoken all day.

So I can’t fathom why they’re talking about this via text and video call.

Wait till he gets home and have an actual face to face conversation.

It takes less than 10 minutes to understand the difference between type 1 and type 2. Hopefully he will be more understanding once he appreciates that they are not the same illness.

I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

He's thick. And he's unpleasant. And you clearly know where you stand when you need him.

I'd be done with the relationship.

How awful for you, and what a prick he is. My H threw me out of the house when I got a postive result of HPV that meant I had to be lasered.

I'd be very surprised if he didn't know the difference between t1 and t2. He's very in to fitness, nutrition and wellbeing so if he wasn't clued up about it beforehand, I'm sure he's done some research since my diagnoses. He said it means we won't be able to go out for meals, I won't be able to drive etc. He seems to have have seen the headlines, but not read further to see that's its manageable.

He can have quite a temper, but I've never seen him react like this toward me or the children. I wondered today, after his outburst, what if it were one of the children? What would he do or feel then? What if they were born with it?

I want to think it's concern, but I can't convince myself of that. I did keep reiterating it's not preventable, it's nothing I've done, it just happens. I am also Celiac, so I did have an increased risk of getting it, though no one ever told me that!

When I say he works away, he is not in this country and is away for weeks at a time. It would be March/April before I could tell him if I didn't do it over the phone.

I am so sorry you are married to someone who is as thick as shit, and just as offensive.

I have direct experience of T1. It is absolutely manageable - you can live a very normal life, including eating out and going on holiday. Yes you will need to get your head around blood glucose management, carb counting and insulin ratios - but soon it will become second nature and something you learn to live with.

There may be some merit in getting the children tested - look up the Elsa study.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Good luck - the T1 diabetic community is a very supportive one. I hope your partner changes their tune.

Your DH is being a dick, but you can see why he'd find it hard to accept it was "something you're born with" if you'd only just been diagnosed. Your pancreas has obviously been working well enough up until now!

Type 1 diabetes can be due to lifestyle choices, anything that cocks up your pancreas can cause it, so make sure you're giving him the right things to read. It's easy enough to find info to support his theories if he's being selective about his evidence.

This late onset type 1 used to be pretty rare, but (anecdotally) we seem to be seeing it more and more often. There's some evidence to suggest that covid may be a trigger factor for the change, rather than it being genetic (just in case anyone was interested!)

I would second getting him to come along to your appointments to hear the facts for himself

@Lidlisthebusiness so sorry you’re dealing with such a shock diagnosis, and without the support of your husband. My DH was diagnosed T1 last year, so I know only too well what an absolute rollercoaster you’re currently on.

Hopefully your husband will come round once he realises how wrong he is. In the meantime on a practical level, try and see if you can be referred for a DAFNE course which will help you get a handle on balancing keeping yourself in range with real life. The other thing that has been amazing for us is DH joining a clinical trial. Often they want people who are in the very early stages of diagnosis, which I get can be overwhelming, but it’s given DH access to the best tech, and a whole host of experts in T1 at the end of the phone at all times which has been invaluable in helping us navigate this.

Ffs the OP needs to learn a lot about T1D management, insulin regimen and stuff. All her DH needs to learn at the moment is that a) T1D is autoimmune disease and OP did not cause it in any way b) she needs his support atm and not his idiotic comments

Of course you can eat out and drive. You can also fly planes, climb mountains, have babies ...
Ds2 has had Type 1 diabetes most of his life. There really isn't much you cannot do - it just takes planning and organisation. If you're celiac then you know something about that already. Ds2's plans for tomorrow include a 15 mile hike, and eating his own body weight in pancakes. This combination is actually a good one!

Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease and your dh is a dick.

Also, beg and plead for a continuous glucose sensor and an insulin pump; they are game changers.

Late onset diabetes isn't as rare as all that - about the same number of people get diagnosed over the age of 25 as under.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/338609258_Current_understandings_of_the_pathogenesis_of_type_1_diabetes_Genetics_to_environment

Autoimmune conditions like Type 1 diabetes, coeliac disease, under active thyroid, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus etc. etc are conditions you can be genetically predisposed to, but, we don't really understand what causes our T cells to go into overdrive and attack the body. They're pretty certain it's not self-inflicted though!

Covid is definitely doing something to bugger up our systems though, so I guess that might help the research along.

What an unsympathetic Twat waffle he is! It’s an auto immune disease. I know someone who did something similar to their wife when they were diagnosed T1D. And now that same husband has cancer decades later and expects sympathy but is still unable to give it. It won’t get better if he’s like this now, and you need someone you can rely on for the off horrendous hypo you may have. Might be useful if you go to the clinic with him? And maybe forewarn the nurses do they can explain it to him. Good luck, and I hope it settles soon, and stabilises.

Couldn't say it better. Ugh. Sorry, OP.

He sounds utterly selfish. Sorry about your diagnosis OP. It must be incredibly hard to not be able to rely on his support but instead he is angry that he will have to give instead of take and make adjustments. It really makes you wonder what is beneath the surface in people. I would be so shocked and disappointed.

Can you write to him explaining how he has made you feel and give him a chance to reflect and hopefully show a less egocentric side of himself? Is he usually a kind loving person even when things don’t go his way?

I hope you have lots of loving family and friends and can get on top of your condition and still enjoy all you want to do.

Something tells me he’s been a twat plenty of times before. And possibly berated you for not eating and exercising how he wants you to.

I vote leave the cruel bastard man who is only thinking of himself. I’m so sorry.

He's wrong and the way he has behaved towards you is shocking. I'm so sorry OP that he is being so vile while you are coming to terms with having a life changing condition 😔 is he usually so unpleasant? Do you have family and friends who can support you at the moment?

Even if it was type 2, going off at you when you've just been diagnosed is totally unacceptable!

He is supposed to be your rock!

If he goes away for months at a time - March/April when you next see him! - you don't really have much of a relationship or family life with him to begin with. I think you should think about getting your ducks in a row, he leaves it all to you anyway, so won't be much of a loss really.

Does he understand that type 1 is different from type 2?

Yes, his rant would be totally justified if you had type 2.