Calling Madamez and any other sex experts - What is normal for a woman's sexual peak?

[TooHornyForMyHubby]

Not really sure where to start here. Basically, I am horny as hell and can't really understand where it has all come from.

I am 29 and suddenly I just want sex anytime, any place. And not just any old sex, but a dirty, lustful kind of sex.

Fortunately, most of this attention is focused on my husband. I still fancy the pants off him. The problem is that he has never had a very high sex drive. In the past we have just about muddled through, but now I just want it so much more than him.

The sex we have is fantastic and I'd love to have more of it, but as that ain't happening my mind is starting to wander.

Is this kind of sexual peak at all normal for a woman?!?!?

toohornyformyhubby - maybe you should go and have a wild shag with this man,get it out of your system - and you may love it or you may realise it wasnt everything you hoped. fantasy seldom lives up to reality.
then you can go back to your dh and realise that maybe the grass isnt greener.

To be honest, although is may sound stupid, belly up's idea ia by far the most appealing.
about this really, but it is only because I have tried most of the other 'tell him how horny you are' and 'share fantasies' kind of thing.
These ideas do work, but they do not sustain the interest. i.e I can put on nice underwear, talk dirty to him and we can go off and have great sex. Will he then initiate sex any other time? No chance.

You sure you aren't pregnant? I felt like that when pg with my Dd.
Is it that you just feel like you need a really good rogering? pure lustful sex, dirty sex? That's how I feel at times. But I'm having my sexual peak NOW cause I turned 44 yesterday . I'm not getting sex at all though...

How would you feel about him going out to shag really sexy lady down the road? I always think ' what goes around, comes around'. Grass is not usually greener on the other side...

Definitely not pregnant.

Yes to the really good rogering though. And that is exactly what I could get with this other bloke (I think).

I would be gutted it he did it with anyone else, and I'm sure he would be equally gutted if I did. Like I say, I do still fancy him and I'd do anything to be getting what I want from him but it's like he just 'can't be arsed' for want of a better phrase.

Ok, if you would be gutted if he shagged anyone else, and he would be gutted if you shagged anyone else, then you are in a monogamous relationship and the Other Bloke is not actually very relevant unless you realy want to leave your current partner. So you have to talk to him about how the low level of sex in your relationship is making you unhappy. It's not Ok for him to just ignore your wishes and feelings.

How much do you think our up-bringings affect us all sexually?

My husband's mother is incredibley liberal and open with her sexuality.

She will walk around the house naked.
She took her kids to a nudist camp when they were teenagers without telling them until they got there
She has been know to go to parties and snog other blokes with her son sitting next to her (and her hubby in the room).
She had a long drawn out affair with another married man many years ago.

I think she is nuts, but I wonder what it must have been like to grow up with a mum like this.........

Well an upbringing like that would make some people react against it and become fairly put off by any sexual display or openneess, ot would make othe people very liberal and up for anything. What does your DH say about his mother? Does he thing she was agreat mother or does he think of her as a slut?

FWiw i do't think this si necessarily an upbringing issue, however asking how your partner felt about his mum is always enlightening,

Sexual desire goes through so many peaks and troughs, the fact that you still fancy your dp is great. Now how to move to the tear-my-clothes-off and fuck me now phase to suit your feelings...

Dh is totally totally embarrassed by his mother. He talks about it very little.

Slur - That is exactly what I want. I cannot get my head around the fact that he can really enjoy it when I've made the effort, but that he cannot be bothered to make me feel desired.

I should perhaps add that he is (and always has been) very selfless in bed i.e. he's very good at making sure that I'm satisfied so to speak

THFMH
let's be frank - this upsurge in your sexual interest is everything to do with this new person, and his interest in you, and nothing to do with your age or your hormones or anything else....
which is fine in itself.
when someone else finds you attractive, that is a wonderful thing.
having sex with this other guy will not "just get it out of your system" though - that isn't the way human beings work!
you might develop feelings for the other guy
you will certainly feel shitty and guilty

tbh you have done very well to get 12 years into your relationship without feeling this way - this is a pretty common rite of passage in any long term relationship.
I think I would concentrate on trying to fix the sexual issue with your dh. spend some time together and pay him some attention.

I think it is important that you stop thinking "doesn't initiate sex" means "doesn't want sex" or even worse "doesn't fancy me" - you have fallen into a pattern in your relationship, but it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. after many years, we stop pursuing each other and behaving like we did in the early days. this is especially true once we have children.
try not to fall into the pattern of thinking the worst and getting resentful about it. having to inititiate sex is not a bad thing, it is just what is normal for your relationship.

Does he masturbate in the periods when you don't have sex for weeks or months? In other words is he fairly sexual anyway or can he take it or leave it? He might have a physical problem and need to see the GP.

Perhaps he just likes you to initiate.

You clearly just want us all to say have the other man but I think it's too risky although people do all the time. You might destroy your marriage even you are following in the shoes of mother in law. You would have thought a liberal upbringing like that would make him more sexual and better in bed.

I think a person's history can totally have an affect on their sex life. Have you thought about seeing a relate counsellor, they often have psychosexual therapist who specialise in this sort of thing. It isn't as stigmatising as it sounds, it is often just a way of getting you both to share your thoughts with each other.

My aunt went through the same thing. She'd been with her husband since she was 14, and only been with him. She went off and shagged somebody to get it out her system. Family found out. She now in the process of getting divorced (her husband not the forgiving type) and shared custody of her DD.

Listen to crucifix.

I was married to someone like you DH. We had different libido right from the start. I had to initiate it always...and then it was always good. But a girl wants to be seduced sometimes. And then HE went and had an affair. And everything went pear shaped after that. I am now with a man with similar sex drive and find it very fulfilling, but a part of me wish i was still married to my first DH (the faithful till death do us part part).

Be VERRRRYYY careful about this go out to shag the guy thing. Sex is never without strings. If you are already hormonally involved with this guy, you might fall for him completely. This is what my DXH did.... and he regrets it to this day (8 years later). You need to fix whatever it is that is missin IN your marriage if you want to stay together. Also remember this guy will have desires too...(and rights for that matter. Sorry to be all serious, but that is what happened to XH. He thought he was getting a shag, what he got was a bag full of demands - quite rightly too even I had to admit)

And once you have stepped out like that, there is no return. You will also have to live with it even if your DH never finds out.

Please please talk to your DH and work something out together.

Thanks everybody for your replies. I am trying so hard to get this in perspective.

CrucifixCarrier you talk a lot of sense. I suppose me initiating sex is a bit of a pattern for us. I just so long to be desired and marched off to bed by somebody

He does have the odd wank but I don't think it's that much of a regular thing and I think he can pretty much take it or leave it.

Elf - for your aunt. How did she get found out? It is the mainly the thought of hurting my kids that has kept me in line so far.

Firefly - I would be if I managed to reign myself in and then he went and had an affair. How did that come about? The reason I am tempted elsewhere is mainly because I am not getting enough at home. What would be his excuse?

I know what you're saying is all right, but still.....

Well.... I of course adjusted to his lack of libido... we became a bit like mates living together with 2 young daughters whom we both adore (DD2 was 5 months old at the time and I was quite ready for sex) Life had got a bit boring for both of us. He bumped into someone we know while working away from home. She was going through a hard time AND she was everything I know he admires in a woman and lots of things I stopped being (because not having much sex with him made me lose my sparkle a bit I suppose. After all what's the point if the fire is so hard to light?) and he just fell head over heels in love lust and had to have her there and then. But when he realised what he had done and wanted to put it behind them, she insisted that he had to continue what he started. What really hurt me though was that he did not tell me for 3 months on HER request even though his first loyalty was to me.

Your hormones are talking girl, not your common sense!!! Tell your DH that your lack of fun (don't say fulfilment etc) is making you find strangers attractive... make it jokey.... but fix this please.

My aunt was found out because somebody sent a letter to my uncle, my aunt opened the letter (they opened each others post all the time) but then the uncle kept getting text messages.

It got messy

My cousin is bloody traumatised. She's had a lot of upheaval to deal with. She doesn't like her mum anymore, and wishes she could be with her dad. My aunt is still with this other bloke, who is a tosser, its a lot story.

It isn't just the relationship you have with your DH & children who can change in an affair, my grandparents are really upset, they have known my uncle since he was a young lad, and they cant believe what my aunt did. My mum and aunts relationship has gone, and I honestly think it will take the death of my grandparents to get them talking again

A good friend of mine went through a very similar thing with her dh. She longed for him to drag her upstairs and give her a good seeing to, but he was to 'polite' and 'respectful' in bed.

their relationship in every other way was great. they went to couples therapy and got to the bottom of it...it wsn't actually about sex at all, but a deeper difference in their perspectives about their relationship and where it was going.

What I'm trying to say is, this 'sex problem' might be symptomaticof a different issue that your husband has.

FWIW they are back on track now. they spoke togther to a therapist, and separately.he was keen to get the problem addressed.

Oh yes, and she had a Brazilian wax 'by mistake' and that certainly put the lead back in his pencil!

I'm a bit embarrased to be so simple, but it seems to me the problem is not about sexual peak, libidos, your husband, etc..

You are in love, as simple as that, that's how people gets when they are in love. You have fallen for another person and... for as long as you are so interested in the other, your DH may/will not look good enough no matter how pefect he becomes in bed.

OP, sounds like you won't be happy until you shag the 'other guy'. Why don't you talk to your DH and tell him you fancy someone else & see what his reaction is? He might say go for it? Like someone else pointed out, monogamy isn't right for all couples and if he's happy about you going with other men then go for it - but would you be happy with him shagging other women??

Firefly - when you say you adjusted to his lack of libido, do you mean that you sort of gave up and just ended up going without sex? We have been through phases like this and I have always made a massive effort to pull ourselves out of it because I find that it has a huge impact on our whole relationship and we become very much more like just friends. If you could have your time over, is there anything you think you would do anything differently?

Well I would not have married him in the first place I suppose...we lived together for a few months before we got married and it showed even then. I must say that I still admire him very much as a person etc, and we are still friends.

I am lucky to have a very flexible nature. Perhaps that was not such a good thing after all. I should not have just adjusted. But I did so want to be swept off my feet. I described it so someone like this one day.. being with XH was like sitting inside the house and knowing the sun shines outside. Being with my new DP I feel like I am on the beach in the Bahamas with sunshine all over my skin! I never had that even from the start in my marriage.

I think if I could do it all over again I would have dragged XH to therapy early on. What bothered me a lot in my marriage was that I did discover XH masturbating once or twice (I was very naive and innocent when I met him and even after years of marriage that still shocked me... not that i am shy about sex ) When we talked about it he said that it is quicker and takes less energy to have a wank than the whole lovemaking caboodle. Even though I am frightfulle easy to please (TMI sorry).

After 3 years of his affair and when he was trying to patch things up he said he had learnt a lot about himself in this and that he thought he would be much more physically involved if we were to stay together. Perhaps it's your DH that needs the ex marital shag. But I wanted for him to have discovered that with me ... not another woman.

Elf - your family's situation sounds awful . I know I would be an absolute fool to let that happen here.

I really don't think that I would be interested in Other Bloke if my husband paid me more attention. He just rang from work and told me that he was going to give me a good seeing to when he got home
I did have to hint at it little bit but as soon as he starts acting like this all thoughts of OtherBloke go straight out the window.

We have been here before though. Likelihood is that I will be like a dog on heat waiting for him to come home,and that by the time he gets home he will have forgotten all about what he said, will be knackered and will just collapse in front of the TV.

Cue naughty thoughts about Very Tasty Bloke again........

Firefly - your XH sounds fairly similar to mine. Especially the whole less energy to have a wank kind of thing. What I don't get is how this translates into having sex with someone else? Surely that takes a whole lot more energy to sustain??