Are these narcissism traits?

[sarahappleton284]

Example 1)
Me: I might join the gym on a month to month basis; but it doesn't cover sauna/jacuzzi
him: Good job you don't like Jacuzzis
Me: I do like Jacuzzis?
Him: Okay

Makes me think I have caused an issue just because I am correcting him ABOUT MY OWN OPINION. Now he thinks I am starting an argument. I sit here and question my own reality/wonder if the way I said it was wrong??/did i say i dont like jacuzzis previously, questioning myself??!!

Example 2)
Me: I need to go back in the house I forgot my reading glasses
him: omg you really are a disaster aren't you?!
me: you didn't need to say it like that; i just forgot them
him: but babe you need to use your common sense
me: your being rude
him: okay

Example 3)
me: the way you spoke to me was sarcastic/rude
him: well what did you do to make me react that way?

Another thing I have noticed is he is all smiles and laughter and talkative around friends and family; but when its just us alone he hardly speaks; and makes me feel I am demanding for wanting conversations behind closed doors etc.

It doesn't really matter does it. All that matters is you don't like him and he doesn't like you. Irrelevant really whose fault it is. Just end the relationship.

I believe my XH is a covert narcissist and his mother is overt. It explains so much of his behaviour. We did couples counselling. He was controlling and aggressive but we left the counselling with me being blamed for being too controlling 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s not totally clear from your examples if he is narcissistic. Examples of narcissistic comments I received:
‘If we broke up, I’d be fine and you’d fall apart.’
‘I’m amazing at making pancakes.’ <I buy ingredients for pancakes and he turns round and said he used the stuff in the bottle you just shake and all he was any good at was flipping them.
‘If I was injured like you’ve been, I don’t think you’d do for me all I’ve done for you.’ (This one stung massively. I was incapacitated in an accident. He was there on a practical level, cooking and cleaning but emotionally totally withdrawn, wouldn’t even hug me when I was crying!
My favourite from XMIL ‘I’m the most modest person I know’ 🤣🤣🤣

Have a look at Caroline Strawson’s social media. She’s an expert on narcissist behaviour and recovery from it. It’s helped me massively to understand XH’s behaviour and detach from it. I didn’t realise until months after we split. I’d waited so long for the nice bloke I fell for to come back. When I realised he was narcissistic, I realised he never existed and it helped me move on. We have a kid together so I’ve not escaped completely. But now I understand why he got with someone within a couple of weeks of us splitting (he needed the ‘supply’ and I wasn’t giving it any more), why he didn’t tell me they were moving in together or that they got engaged (even though we are meant to co-parent).
Here’s a link to one of her videos which might help: https://www.facebook.com/reel/687076460301268?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

Narcissist or not, I’d say it’s not a healthy relationship and it would be okay to chose to walk away. Who wants to be with someone who criticises and belittles them so much? I reached a point where I realised I’d be happier on my own than with him, despite the financial strain and single parenting. It was worth it.

Not necessarily narcissism but definitely rude and likely emotional abuse. Example two struck me that he called you names. There wasnt an argument or reason, you made a very normal mistake. That's awful.

By the way someone doesn't need a condition or label for you to leave. It's enough that he's name calling and assuming every issue is your fault. This to me is what ab abuser does, making you feel its your responsibility to understand, diagnose etc.. its not. If you don't like how he treats you you can leave.

@roses321
Again, it seems you had a shit Counsellor.

My initial response was in relation to OP’s situation, not yours. You’re clearly taking this very personally.
I’ve also just seen another post of yours on another thread, where you have imposed your bad experience within your response. This is not your thread. Start your own thread in order to avoid conflating other OP’s issues with your own.

We’re all anonymous strangers here. I don’t need you to believe anything. I know who I am, what I’ve been through and what I believe.
Calm down; I didn’t hurt you. Be kinder to yourself and others.

Don't bother with counselling if your with someone like that. They ll just spin everything to benefit themselves. The narc term is a bit over used but he is a selfish and manipulative character though. And remember they think it's their world and you just live in it....

Trust your instinct, OP. I agree with a previous poster that you can get so bogged down figuring out if they're a narc but it doesn't actually matter whether he is or not - what matters is if he's frequently making you feel annoyed and attacking who you are cos it makes him feel superior / better / something. He probably is a narc but the important question is - Do you feel happier / more at peace when he's not around?

No, i think you just both like being petty and bickering with each other

@sarahappleton284 Here's the link, it pretty much explains Narcissism, I've been married for 42 years and to be honest, it's only in the last 4 years enough was enough, I switched off emotionally, I couldn't leave financially and he would never leave me, too easy for him to stay which doesn't include love. We also have 3 daughters and he is now ex military, the military were on his side, not mine so no help there. My daughters are all grown up now with children of their own. One day I'll write a book! Look at the website and you'll start to notice his sense of self. His mother put him on a pedestal from day 1, ironically his sister knows what he is, we've talked about it thankfully when I thought I was going totally bonkers, read all you can about it, it will help to know, it's not you at all, you're normal and you're trying to deal with someone who doesn't live in reality, my heart goes out to you, it really does, 1 in 5 people are Narcissistic, learnt that along the way. X

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

Tbh it just sounds like a normal convo to me?? It does sound a little bit that you might be a bit argumentative ?? But maybe it doesn't give enough detail. I used to be with a major narcissist who thought he was God and belittled me constantly

My narc exH once said to his sister (whose DH had terminal cancer): "What's the matter with you? I don't know why you're upset, you're not the one who's dying".

Example 3 is classic Narc. My narc blamed me for absolutely everything I raised with him about his behaviour. Apparently not only was I responsible for my behaviour but I was also responsible for his. It was a total mind f* and made resolving any issues impossible. Good luck OP, the mere fact you are asking yourself these questions indicates something wrong.

Yes. It's part of the behaviour they use to wear you down and drive you mad.

It reminds me of a friend I had who came to stay with his girlfriend at mine (I lived in the city so often mates from afar would use my place as a base when they wanted to visit it). He would have such strange, constant, round about arguments like this with her. Had never seen him do it to anyone else and I was young so just assumed it was what they were into. But then a year he had a new gf and he was the same with her and I could tell she was frustrated by it.

Looking back I realise he was likely mindfucking them both to the point of exhaustion.

I had a narcissist of my own briefly like that. Would d o and say things geared to exhaust me. I won't get into the list but yes, some of that lot are absolutely like that.

At the end of the day, it's abuse designed to rob you of your own sanity. I can't think of anything more insidious really.

I hope you get away from him. Amd remember, you don't have to prove or justify why you are leaving him. Not to anyone. Not to him or his ass kissing family. Even his sister sounds like a simular creature to him. Using putting him on a pedestal to make you feel 'unworthy'. Standard dysfunctional narcissist bullshit.

Just 'I'm not happy in this marriage anymore'. You don't need to explain. He knows why. If he's going to be a pain in the divorce anyway you can even just be honest and zay 'because you're a fucking douchenozzle so I'm out. Clear enough for you?'. Just never, ever, eveeeeeer use the word narcissist when talking to them.

Never let them know you know what they are. If you use this word they will flip it and tell you YOU are the narcissist. They'll tell everyone you know too. I mean, not that it matters if these people are decent and know you as they'll not believe him. But still it's not nice to stand up to an abuser and have him tell everyone you are the one who did the things HE did.

So keep it to simple statements 'I'm not happy anymore so I'm done'. Don't explain why. 'You owe me an explaination?' 'No, no I don't. My solicitor will be in touch with the particulars' (or 'Ok, you're an arsehole and I'd rather not spend the rest of my life with you so I'm out. There you go, that's why').

That's how they want it to look.

But I bet op doesn't have these weird 'arguments' with other people.

Narcissists are often like yapping little dogs nip nip nipping at your heels, never stopping.

It's not arguing. It's being around someone who WANTS to argue all the time. To wear you out.

@Pinkbonbon I agree; this is HOW the narc/abuser (not saying he 100% is) wants it to look; that they just 'dont get along' or 'i am so argumentative/over reactive' - yes I am over reactive when you are constantly chipping away at me making comments; yet eventually I am going to react and it will be more so than usual. People that haven't experienced this kind of person (lucky them!) will only see if it for what it seems on the outside. I have never had these wierd arguments with other people. We spent 2 weeks on holiday with each other recently and I am sitting here going over each and every argument to see if i over reacted/could of acted differently - when I tell my partner that (hoping he would maybe do the same) he says yes you do over react. there is no self reflection on there part. I don't know if anyone else has ever been exposed to the silent treatment too? oh my its mind numbing; they refuse to talk to you but refuse to admit anything is wrong; so you are 'demanding or crazy' for wanting to know why they haven't spoken to you in 4 hours. We had a 5 hour car ride and my partner said 2 sentence's to me, but apparently he was absolutely fine? @KarmaLife @ShennyInfinity

It's not recommended to have couples counselling with an abusive partner. And you agreed you think he's abusive, so probably best not to encourage OP to have couples counselling with him.

(btw telling someone to calm down rarely calms anyone down. It just comes across as a way to paint someone as irrational because you don't agree with their opinion).

Ughhhh the silent treatment too? I empathise completely, it's horrible. I broke up with someone after they did it to me, twice. Next time I'm out after the first time. That's no way to live.

@roses321 "My ex would do this kind of thing to me, when I broke up with him I didn't even know which way was up anymore. I was constantly being told that how I felt was wrong, constantly being told what I did was the cause of all of the problems and then when I had mental health issues THAT was the cause of the problems" -THIS made me feel so sorry for you, because i can completely understand and relate to this :( I don't know why I feel SO unliked around him and my self worth has plumetted. its not like he cheats on me, he comes home, takes me out pays for dinners; but its all like a chore to him; robotic behaviour; never any emotion or kindness shown. around other people he is laugh and smiles, but lately he has sort of ignored me a little around other people (always his friends and family) and it makes me feel soooo alone because obviously i have to put on a front/smile because im completely out numbered but dont even have my husband there on good terms, its awful.
thats crazy that he said your perception is skewed; i tell myself even if they dont agrew with ur view/feelings/that they hurt you , it doesnt take a lot to try and make ur partner feel better; they dont always have to agree.
i honestly dont know if he knows he is doing it; if i call him mean he doesnt think so; i actually know of his ex gf and have heard thru friends of a friend that he wasnt "very nice" to her and was always starting arguments with her and condescending. YES i have that book!!he saw me reading it so i had to throwit away buti need to get it backand read . the water torturer describes himto a tee. its hard because in the beginning he was amazing and kind and open with his feelings; proposed within a year. he says he isnt that person now because I HAVE changed?

Yes I am sharing my experience becuase I know how horrendous it can be for people to go through the same/similar. I'd rather do that than do what you're doing and give absolutely terrible advice then claim to "work in the field" - a field where pretty much EVERYONE disagrees who has any knowledge of power imabalances (you clearly don't).

Yes, I take it personally, because actually you don't have to deal with the backlash from your advice, other people may listen to it and they do. As for you policing what i say in my posts - all I can say to that is bog off.

He may or may not be a narcissist but either way he sounds like a dick and not very nice to you. Why are you with him?

At the end of the day what matters is how YOU feel, and you don't sound very happy to me at all with this situation.

I know it's tempting to go over everything with a fine tooth comb, but honestly how you feel is everything. The only reason that you're considering it isn't is because of the doubt that he has put into you - that apparently it's your fault and you're the one who has changed.

Robotic behaviour is a good description actually yeah, it's hard to explain isn't it - it's like they're doing things with you and even for you sometimes but there's no connection associated with it, no togetherness or feeling of "yay" it's just kind of lonely and disconnected.

Honestly, trust your feelings. Write down these examples and others that you have in a diary somewhere that he won't be able to find them, write down the arguments and then look back at them and you'll realise that actually you're probably putting up with so much that is just draining the life out of you. You don't deserve that at all. x

you don't sound happy with him, maybe you just have very different personalities. I don’t think you’re suited to be honest

A lot of people have never been in this situation and so have no idea what it's like. I saw my friend with women that way and just assumed it was a mutual relationship thing that they were 'like that' with these weird round about arguments. I thought 'that would annoy the shit out of me but maybe that's what they're into'.

That's why people are replying similarly as if you're somehow choosing this. They don't realise that thats not how these things work. They don't recgonise what he's trying to do. It's really pretty scary because it means they too are at risk of having people like this in their lives.

You've written out it in a way that shows clearly to anyone who's been in this situation, what he is trying to do. And that its not you. Yet some people can read it in black and white - and STILL not see it. Which just shows how terrifying abusers can be.

They can tbf, even sometimes abuse you in a room filled with people
...and no one else would know it was abuse. A certain word thry know makes you feel ad about yourself, dropped into convo. A seemingly flyaway comment that is a dig at you about somnething you said earlier that they used to make you feel stupid etc...

Anyone replying that op is arguing back or just as bad, sorry guys but nope. Big time nope. And I hope if you are currently out dating, you put a complete hault to that for now because you are at huge risk of falling into an abusive relationship just like op is in if you don't recognise the signs of this type of abuser. Not all narcissists do things exactly the same. But this is a very clear sub-set. I suppose 'the annoyer' if we gave it a name.

Op, you must find a way to step off the merry go round of trying to explain to him why you are upset by his behaviour. He KNOWS. He knows what he is doing. Don't waste time telling a lion to stoop chewing on your leg. Just run for the hills! Run fast and run far.

My ex-fiancée is a covert narcissist. From your examples I'm not sure if he's a narc or not but he's certainly a dick.

@DagenhamDanny what examples did you have if you don't mind me asking? Another thing mine did was if he didn't want to go somewhere that I wanted to go to eg for a walk, shopping, walk the dog, museum, food market, he would sulk the entire time and not speak to me; i think it was like a punishment thing; for having a want to go and do something that interested me.