AIBU / how often do you talk to dp?

[Nicholabran27]

How often do you and your dp talk? Text? Interact? Spend time together?

I’ve become upset this morning, as I was alone all weekend (like usual) with the dc. Dp works everyday, on Saturday he left at 7:30am and didn’t come home until 9:30pm. I’m not sure exactly what time he finished work that day but he had gone to our family leisure centre after to relax.

on Sunday, yesterday, he left at 7:30am and came home around 7:30pm. When he came home he didn’t speak to me AT ALL. He asked 1 very small question about something and after I replied he said nothing. For the rest of the night he didn’t speak, stayed on his phone and then went to bed without me. When I went to bed he was sleeping but still didn’t acknowledge me all night, no hugs like usual etc.

now I don’t want to be unreasonable, as I understand he works hard and a lot of hours. But I am extremely upset that I dont get any sort of attention from him on a level that I feel I should. I mean, is it really that hard to say ‘hi’ when he comes home? I mean, I don’t even get a simple ‘hi’ let alone a hello.

i have no adult company and spend all day long by myself with kids. He doesn’t even text me, no ‘how’s your day’ ‘how are you’ text ever. I wait all day for him to get home to have some adult interaction and I get nothing and it really upsets me.

to be fair, usually we watch a tv show in the evenings on the weekend and occasional nights during the week, he’ll usually still be on his phone the entire time but I’ll take what I can get! Yesterday he didn’t even do that, just completely ignored me.

do you speak during the day to your dp? Do you text at all?

something that’s made me upset is that this morning I have seen one of his colleagues who posted stories on her social media, they were laughing together and he went in front of her camera and smiled for the video. It upset me as I can’t even get that basic attention from him, he has time to have a laugh with colleagues or clients at work, to reply to others but not to check in on me? Or say hello when he comes home?

I’m just at a loss for how to feel right now. I feel extremely lonely and think I deserve more attention from my partner, I also don’t want to come across as an annoying needy partner either….

Do you have a life outside the home? What do you do for work, can you get into the office more? The non communication is odd, I’ve not heard of it, my husband and I talk all the time. We both work full time and take equal responsibility for childcare and house stuff, and both have our own friends and social lives.

I can see why you are upset, how long has this been going on? You say he works every day - is he self-employed and choosing to do this?
What would happen if you asked him to spend a day as a family next weekend?
I speak to my DP all the time but wouldn’t say we live in each others pockets. We have days where we both work from home and have little chats in the kitchen making tea, days in the office when we don’t speak as much (but text if need to) and we both have exercise classes in the evenings and sometimes other plans on weekends. We are always talking though and we are conscious about when we’ve not had as much time together and we agree to do something about it - like a mid week meal out or an afternoon walk.
Do you feel like you can talk to him about how you are feeling?

I work from home, I don’t have ANY friends. I’m in mom mode 24/7, when the dc are at school I am at home working or doing housework. On the weekends it’s all about doing things with the dc. During the week I manage to go to the gym, but im a quiet person and don’t speak to anyone/just get on with my workout.

regardless of all of this, even if I had a ton of friends and worked outside alot, I still think it’s normal for couples to talk/spend more time together? Maybe im wrong? I see him able to respond to all client messages, messages on his social media/texts etc and it’s just me that he doesn’t make that effort for.

I mean… he does send the odd text now and again, but it’s 95% just asking me to do something. On Saturday he sent me a video of an old memory of ours, but I mean… that’s very random. I can literally count how many texts I get from him in a month and I don’t think that’s normal? Calls? Never. He only calls if he needs something very rarely.

spending time together is literally just us watching a tv a few evenings a week, but like I said he is on his phone the majority of the time anyway.

The things that leap out at me are him working every day - as per a PP, is he self employed and if so, how absolutely necessary is it for him to work such long hours and every day?

Also, it's not right that he literally doesn't speak when he gets home. My DH does shifts and is sometimes knackered when he gets home but we always have at least a 'how was your day, are you ok?' general catch up.

We really value times we are at home together since DH started a job doing shift work. I'd hate it if we never talked.

Hmm, not sure about this one. I don't think it's necessarily required to text and certainly not call for a chat the person you live with. I know some people do but to me that's too much.

If you feel he is ignoring you at home on purpose, then yes that would be hurtful.

Yes he is self employed - so I understand logistically how difficult it can be time prioritise his time. He does choose his hours/to work that many days. If I were to ask for him to take a day off? He would flat out refuse. The only time he takes off is for Christmas, the dc’s birthdays or 1 time a year when we go away for a week as a family. He would refuse to miss a day of work as his clients are very important to him and they’re scheduled in for certain times.

I understand it’s not always possible to talk that often throughout the day, and I don’t expect to be chatting 24/7. But I would love to have the odd message where we check in on eachother ‘how’s your day going? What you up to’ etc. especially considering he can reply to others, post on social media etc so he definitley has the time to send me a quick text. He is also ALWAYS able to listen to clients, whatever they want to talk about/any issues they have etc he’s there to listen and respond. With me? It makes me feel like I’m not important, like he’s not interested to know about me.

I don’t feel like I can talk to him about this. A few weeks ago I sent him a text pointing out a few issues I have between us and he got very annoyed about this. Nothing was resolved. He knows this is an issue for me, I’ve told him many times I have no friends, I’m with kids all day and no adult company and wait for him to come home and talk but I don’t get any attention. He doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’ll tell me ‘we are past that stage, we live together I don’t need to come home and say hello’

Just reading your other replies I think I would tackle this in 2 ways, both involve making himself more available for you:

1. specific time as a couple, no phones allowed - spend time actually talking
2. he needs to spend some time with the kids to allow you to spend some time away from the family, find your own interests and new friends.

Just read your update - I’d try again with talking to him. Tell him it is important to you. Ask him to try. Ask him how he thinks you can work together to get a better balance.
If I were you I would also start to think about what happens if nothing changes - what are you willing to change for yourself?
Having been in a previous relationship where we didn’t communicate at all, and putting up with it for over 10 years - I really do wish I’d made a change sooner.

Tell him that you can see he’s working hard and providing but that he might as well be a cardboard cut-out for all he’s offering to the relationship.

Ask him if he wants to live like two robots or an actual married couple.

Speak when both in the house, but not constantly.
No texting - there's no reason for it. Plus when he was working he had a high-pressure, long hours job, so no way would I ever have disturbed him at work ( and in 30+ years, I never did, inc if he was away for a full weekend).
But we don't have kids, and do both enjoy our own company, so different circumstances, I guess.

Me and DH don't text/call when we're both at work but on days (like today) where he's working and I'm not he'll FaceTime me on his break to see how dd and I are.
When he comes home we'll have a conversation and watch tv together

Someone would have to have incredibly low standards to not expect their partner to actually speak to them though.

OP what's the point in living with him?

Do you believe he actually works those hours?

I'm going to take a slightly different stance on this and say that it sounds as though he's completely checked out of your relationship and doesn't see you as worthy of his time or respect. I'm actually angry on your behalf @Nicholabran27. So his clients and colleagues are important but not the mother of his kids?! At the absolute minimum, he is insufferably rude by not speaking to you or acknowledging you. My DP and I text a couple of times a day and always, always speak in the evenings even when we're knackered.

How old are your kids? I’ll be honest, it sounds like you have a very lonely life. Is this something you want for the next x years?

What would he say if you suggested a weekly/fortnightly date night?

What kind of service is his providing that requires him to work long days, 7 days a week?

It sounds like you're roommates who don't actually like each other.

I spoke to DH this morning to complain I couldn't find my hair brush. Then I said bye to him when I was going out and he wished me luck with my presentation.

I spoke to him when I got back to kick him out of my office so I could work and he said something about lunch I didn't pay attention to.

We had a brief conversation about 10 minutes ago where I said I was taking a break from my computer because I couldn't look at it any more and he told me what DS had been up to and asked if I needed coffee.

Another thrilling day in the unreasonable household.

Yeah I agree with the above.

Husband and I Whatsapp throughout the day when we're not busy with work and he'll always check in at lunch to see if we need anything picked up from the supermarket. We're always talking. We're each other's best friend.

You sound incredibly lonely OP, unsurprisingly. I wouldn’t want to have this kind of relationship. The fact that you don’t feel able to speak to him anymore about it and he is unwilling to compromise speaks volumes.
Unless something changes then this will be your life. It’s easier said than done but you need to start building a life of your own. It’s hard to put yourself out there and can take a long time to build relationships with other people but I think you need to. It will also give you a bit of perspective on life at home. Stop waiting for him to change, he probably never will.

Doesn't he do anything with the DC either? No footie, gym, walks, trips to zoo or cinema? What's the point? You have a relationship with someone so you can make the other person (and yourself) happy. You're not happy. I wonder if there's an OW lurking in the background...

We're both up in the morning so will normally just be conversations around getting ready for school, who needs lunch, where's the library book etc.

We don't really text in the day unless one of us needs something or saw something the other would like, or I've been to an appointment with one of the kids etc.

When he comes home from work it's mainly kid talk. A bit of how's your day, what's for tea.

Once the kids are in bed we'll watch telly together, talk about the show, our day, anything funny that's happened that day.

When we go to bed I usually remember something important to tell him but as bare minimum we'd say night and kiss goodnight.

I'd think anything less than that would mean one of us was in a mood.

What happens if you text him in the day?

I agree with @GiveMyHeadPeaceffs, he’s checked out of the relationship. I don’t think there’s much point in trying to talk to him about it, he clearly doesn’t care. ExH was extremely chatty/flirty over text with other women but somehow could never find time to reply to my texts. The fact that he works long hours doesn’t preclude him from interacting with you when he’s at home. Honestly, what is the point of him?

the most he does to help with the dc is twice a week, will drive me in the car to pick them up from school, we’ll then drive them to their after school clubs together. We only do things together as a family on odd days, for example over Christmas he took time off or for dc birthdays etc. The rest will be odd occasions like we recently did a cinema trip with the kids in the evening. This is not a weekly thing, not even a monthly thing. He came with me to the dc football 1 time, I thought he’d be attending every week but he said he can’t as he has permanent clients every week at that time (8-9am on a Saturday).

I don’t expect us to have huge conversations in the day, silly things like what the dc have been up to, what we both got up to, talking about the tv show etc that’s all I really want as a minimum. The only thing I have to talk to him about is the children, as that’s my life 24/7, sometimes I have tried to talk to him about something I’m excited in and he hasn’t even realised I’m talking as he’s too engrossed in whatever he’s doing. Or he just isn’t interested to listen. I ALWAYS listen to him though, he loves to talk about himself.

i try not to text him in the day or call etc as I don’t want ti disturb him at work and also because I hate putting myself out there if he hadn’t bothered to make that effort for me. I never call him, unless it’s a rare occasion I need his help to talk to the dc if they’re being hard work and I know he’s at home (usually I’ll be taking dc to their clubs so if I need his help I’ll call only if I know he’s home not at work). If I were to text him it would usually be asking a question in which he’d just respond directly to that and nothing more. There have been times I’d message hey and he’d reply with something like ‘what’s up’ or ‘go on’… meaning he expects I have an issue or something important to say and he just wants me to spill it out. He doesn’t get that sometimes he could just say ‘hey how’s your day’ back and that’s all I want

Firstly we do a family dinner where there are no phones, no radio etc and we all chat about our day, we discuss things, even when the children were very young we encouraged talk and turn taking.

After the children are in bed then we do watch things together but we also give each other our full attention, phone down, eye contact chatting. The way we have always come at this is treat it like it is a first date, would you stick your face in your phone and multi-task? No, so don't do it 10 years in.

Time with children goes in a heartbeat and you don't realise when you are in it until you are out the other side of it. He needs to stop prioritising work over his wife and children. Realistically he doesn't need to work all those hours he does, he is choosing to opt out of family life because it suits him.

I completely agree with @Runnyyolkplease with agreed no phones time conversation and that he does one on one with his children without you being there. He is a Dad he needs to act like one. He is also a husband and needs to act like one.

I love Dh because he has always made time for the children including one on one time, that could be nipping to the shops, he takes a child, or going to B&Q he will take the other child. He made every sports day, an occasional assembly (they never featured our child) and he takes time off from work to spend one on one time with me too, just us.

We have just had lunch together because he is working from home, he will also text me funny things during the day or news he thinks I might be interested in, I do the same, we have been married 25 years.

I agree with your post. This is exactly what I want.

the reality is I don’t think he’d ever agree to no phone time. He’s absolutely consumed in work, and even though realistically most of the time when he’s on his phone in the evenings he’s either responding to people on social media or playing a game, his excuse any time I mention his phone is that he’s doing ‘admin work’…

Me and DH talk a lot. He is self employed and some days works long hours but we always chat in the morning before he leaves and then in the evening.

We don't speak on the phone or text every day he is working but we do quite often. Sometimes he will just text "I love you".

On the days he doesn't work we often go out somewhere like a National Trust place, a museum, out for lunch or take our dogs to the park or woods. We are always chatting