AIBU / how often do you talk to dp?

[Nicholabran27]

How often do you and your dp talk? Text? Interact? Spend time together?

I’ve become upset this morning, as I was alone all weekend (like usual) with the dc. Dp works everyday, on Saturday he left at 7:30am and didn’t come home until 9:30pm. I’m not sure exactly what time he finished work that day but he had gone to our family leisure centre after to relax.

on Sunday, yesterday, he left at 7:30am and came home around 7:30pm. When he came home he didn’t speak to me AT ALL. He asked 1 very small question about something and after I replied he said nothing. For the rest of the night he didn’t speak, stayed on his phone and then went to bed without me. When I went to bed he was sleeping but still didn’t acknowledge me all night, no hugs like usual etc.

now I don’t want to be unreasonable, as I understand he works hard and a lot of hours. But I am extremely upset that I dont get any sort of attention from him on a level that I feel I should. I mean, is it really that hard to say ‘hi’ when he comes home? I mean, I don’t even get a simple ‘hi’ let alone a hello.

i have no adult company and spend all day long by myself with kids. He doesn’t even text me, no ‘how’s your day’ ‘how are you’ text ever. I wait all day for him to get home to have some adult interaction and I get nothing and it really upsets me.

to be fair, usually we watch a tv show in the evenings on the weekend and occasional nights during the week, he’ll usually still be on his phone the entire time but I’ll take what I can get! Yesterday he didn’t even do that, just completely ignored me.

do you speak during the day to your dp? Do you text at all?

something that’s made me upset is that this morning I have seen one of his colleagues who posted stories on her social media, they were laughing together and he went in front of her camera and smiled for the video. It upset me as I can’t even get that basic attention from him, he has time to have a laugh with colleagues or clients at work, to reply to others but not to check in on me? Or say hello when he comes home?

I’m just at a loss for how to feel right now. I feel extremely lonely and think I deserve more attention from my partner, I also don’t want to come across as an annoying needy partner either….

This honestly makes me want to cry. I’d love for my dp to send me a random text saying ‘I love you’. Honestly I’m so sad just thinking about this.

he does say I love you occasionally to me at home. He never tells me I’m pretty let alone beautiful, and I’d die just to have a partner that called me beautiful or texted me he loves me randomly etc.

Well then you need to see what your options are, one is stay like this, begging for his attention and him not giving a shit and the other is booking in to see a solicitor and finding out where you stand financially. You keep saying Dp so I am assuming you are not married so no marital home etc. If your house is owned between you then arrange to get it valued or look online at sold house prices on rightmove and work out what you can afford on your sole wage.

You can tell him he needs to realise that right now he only brings a wage to this relationship, no kindness, no companionship, no doubt no housework, no food shopping, no cooking meals, doesn't spend time with his children and you won't put up with it any longer. So he leans in to this relationship and changes his behaviour or you separate and you ask him for his child maintenance contribution (calculator online) how you will divide up school runs, holidays, Christmas etc.

Dh has been self employed but he still made us his family his priority. And it is just rude to not say hello when you come home. It is basic manners. He is putting in very little effort with you but seems to get a lot out of it or done for him. I hope he comes round and sees what he will lose, that his children may end up with a step Dad who is complete engaged in family life and loves you.

I'm separated but speak with the ex at least twice a day about DS7.

This is no way to live your life. I think your relationship in its current state is over and you need to either tell him you're unhappy enough to consider a split or seriously look at what's gone wrong in a professional setting.

I am sorry if I upset you. You deserve better than him though.

Sounds like he's checked out and worst case scenario having an affair

Same here @TheBirdintheCave. We don't talk much in the morning (mainly because he's usually still asleep whilst I'm getting ready then he leaps up, gets showered, changed and is out of the door in about 3 minutes flat!). But then he'll ring me from the car on the way in (usually with traffic updates - exciting stuff), we'll WhatsApp on and off throughout the day depending on how busy we are, he'll send me random Youtube videos on his lunch, then we chat when we get home and whilst we're cooking and having dinner. If he has a bath after work I sit in the bathroom and we chat over a glass of wine. In fact, writing this out, I think we might talk too much 😂But I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been where you are OP (in a previous relationship) and I hated it. I think the thing for me was thinking "do I really want to spend the next 10/20/30 years living like this???" Also, you absolutely should not feel - or be made to feel - needy!

Is he a personal trainer? Those hours sound long and intense and I can’t think of any other profession that would have set clients like that. He sounds like he’s checked out and I wouldn’t put up with this. Before me and DP lived together we spoke every day without fail. Texts throughout the day and then a short phone call before bed. His lack of communication is far from normal. Not to be negative but I’d also be concerned about an affair if he’s spending that much time with female colleagues/on his phone. You deserve more than this.

For heaven's sake, OP. He's checked out of your relationship, and out of parenthood.

Time to kick his sorry arse out.

OP have you posted before? is he a PT?

What would he do if tonight when he's on his phone you just said 'this no longer works for me, there is no point to this relationship'.

He had no time for you or his kids.

There's literally no point to him in your life. 😞

Agreed, what's the point in providing for the family when you're absenting yourself from it 99% of the time.

Providing properly for a family is far, far more than simply money. Love, time and attention are all as important, if not more so. No one gets to the end of their life and regrets they didn't spend more time at work!

Hello everyone.

this evening be took me and dc to a restaurant to eat. The ONLY thing he said to me was asking what I wanted when he was ordering. The entire time we were eating he was on his phone, I could see him typing then at one point he put his phone down (I was opposite him) and WhatsApp was open. As the phone was upside down I could only see the top name, a woman but not a name I recognise or a client (I think). He saw me look and gave me a ‘look’. A few minutes later the same thing happened, this time top of the list was a different woman, one that I know is a client but I’m still weary. He then closed his phone, gave me that same look and made a comment about me trying to look at his phone.

i then explained to him how he is constantly on his phone and doesn’t give attention to the family right in front of him - he didn’t say anything.

when we got home he checked through my camera roll (I’m assuming he thought I might have taken a photo of his phone when it was open on WhatsApp - not sure how that was possible as he was on the opposite side of the table and had his phone the entire time). He then saw my private web browser open (I was using it to access this mumsnet account) and he asked me if I’m using the private browser to search these women’s names that I’ve seen.

at that stage he wasn’t aware of what I had seen, I had only been able to make out 2 names, but he questioned whether I had analysed all of the names on the list and if I’ve started searching them on his social media - I genuinely hadn’t.

a while later he randomly came to me and told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and that he’s moving out…. I was stunned and asked him to give me reasons why? He said the last few days I have annoyed him?? I then asked him to give me examples (as you’re aware I haven’t even barely interacted with him the past few days). Here’s where it got strange

his examples were all the things that I have issues with him doing. He told me he comes home from work and I don’t give him any ‘energy’ I ignored him, stay on my computer etc etc. he told me that Saturday when he came home I was on my computer and didn’t acknowledge him. I then explained that Saturday I put my computer away and watch our tv show together - while he stayed on his phone the entire time… does he not remember that? Sunday he came home and didn’t acknowledge me at all and went to bed. It then made it difficult for me to make my points as I was basically repeating the things he’s saying IM doing when in fact that’s what he’s doing to me.

Monday and Friday evenings are the only times we get to spend the evenings together, and use that time to watch tv together. He has purposely avoided me and has gone to the bedroom to watch tv in there while I’m left by myself in the living room. He knows this really bothers me as it’s the only time I get adult interaction, time to spend with him as I’m always so lonely.

also to add - tomorrow morning I have an appointment. The dc are on school holidays and Tuesday mornings he doesn’t work - until the evening. I told him I’ll be leaving the dc with him while I go (I’ll be an hour max) and he told me no, he won’t be here in the morning. I asked him where will he be then? He’s always home on Tuesday mornings. He refused to tell me but said he’s going out in the morning. I then explained to him that he is equally a parent, and he has no choice I will be leaving the dc with him. He hasn’t said anything since

Really sorry you are living with this cold and horrible man. It sounds very much like he is up to no good with these women and is just trying to lay the blame at your door.

I know it must be scary to hear he is leaving but hopefully it will be the start of a new life for you and maybe you can find you again instead of purely 24/7 mum.

He has not been playing fairly at all. I would get some advice to get your financial ducks in a row.

Before your last two posts, I was going to ask you what he was adding to your life?
He is just not in this relationship.
I wouldn't try to pretend anyone was sharing my life if they are working 7 days a week and out of the house 12 - 14 hours a day.

It seems he had already checked out.

Then your last 2 posts have confirmed it.
I'd start by getting some advice on where you stand now he is moving out.

He has clearly checked out of the relationship. He doesnt love you because no one does this to the person they love.

At this point, I'd say he doesn't even like you.

He is awful for treating you this way! Ditch the loser.

After ALOT of begging and practically forcing him to listen to me, we finally just had somewhat of a ‘conversation’. Still not what I wanted but atleast it was some amount of communication.

he was lying in bed and I begged him to talk to me. He refused ALOT and told me he just wants to relax he’s had a long day and that I’m annoying/stressing him. It ended with me in tears and it turning into an issue all because I wanted a calm talk? he kept telling me we can talk in the morning but I knew that would never happen. It’s been 6 years and he’s refused to have conversations like this with me, so I didn’t take no for an answer.

I asked him what his problem is, he repeated twice that he doesn’t have a problem with me. When I asked him why he spends all weekend out he then told me that it’s because I’m rude and annoying so he avoids coming home from work. That he could come home earlier instantly after finishing work but he’ll just chill for a while or sometimes boom extra clients because he doesn’t want to come home to me.

this is where I couldn’t understand, he said he doesn’t have a problem with me but then his excuse for not coming home is that he doesn’t want to be around me and that I’m rude? I asked how I’m rude and he can’t give any examples. I explained that I’m alone with kids all day and never have an adult to talk to or interaction and that I wait all day for him, have his food cooked on the table for him, the home clean and tidy and I’m there ready to watch tv with him, so what am I doing wrong? I asked him to give me the solution of what he wants from me but he couldn’t. He just said I’m annoying and gave this conversation as an example. How can he use this conversation as an example when it’s the first conversation we’ve had like this in YEARS. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

he told me he keeps hoping and thinking that I’m going to change but then I don’t. I didn’t understand this and asked him what he wants me to change about myself and he said ‘you can’t it’s just the way you’re programmed’… I still don’t understand what it is he’s wanting from me to be changed.

I explained to him everything I have a problem with. I told him he’s more of a roommate than a father or partner in this home and that he is a father and needs to act like one. I told him he doesn’t show me any attention and treats me horrible but he disagreed. I explained that all of his clients can spill their hearts out with all their issues to him, how he’ll take their rubbish behaviour towards him and not say anything because he’s there to help their mental health, and will listen and help them as much as he can but yet he can’t ever talk to me or think about my mental health. He disagreed with this too.

i told him that he treats me like a housewife/robot and not human but then complains that I’m a boring housewife. I told him I need love attention and someone that will talk to me and that at this stage I rather be lonely and single than lonely in this relationship.

I also told him that I cannot continue like this anymore and that our dc deserve to have a father in their life that is there and helps out etc and that I do not want my kids to grow up like he did (his father was never there for him).

im honestly so upset right now, I’m here crying my heart out I’m so tired of this same situation for years and nothings changing. I even told him that I regret being there to support him through his hard times when we first met and that the only reason I am still here is for the sake of our children because I went them to have their dad and a family.

after all of this he told me that when I get a better job (I’m currently working part time and studying to secure a better role/full time role in the future), then things will change and there can be more of a balance. The issue is that for me I don’t think there will be more of a balance. He’s obsessed with working and making money and has told me in the past that my job will never come before his/he’ll never sacrifice his job for mine (even in the smallest ways). So I have a feeling when I start working full time there won’t be a balance and I’ll still be doing mom life 24/7 while juggling work and the most he’ll probably do is help with school pickups when needed.

sorry for the long post! Really needed to vent. My head is banging from this and being so upset. Even that entire time of begging him to listen to me he still turned over and closed his eyes whilst I was talking. He even picked his phone up mid way and continued to message someone while I was talking

I hope you're asleep now.
As far as I can see from your posts, this is a lost cause. I can understand why you're trying but you're on your own in the relationship. Wouldn't surprise me if some of the time he spends away from home is when he's with another woman.
He has shown you what he thinks of you - he avoids your home, he won't talk and on the one occasion when a conversation took place he picked up his phone to message people.
As soon as you can, have a good look around the house. Scrape up any scraps of dignity and self-respect you can find. Collect all important documents and move them to someone else's house (do you have parents, siblings? Not to a friend, they are unreliable).
You need help to get away. Try Women's Aid. The silent treatment is what my mother used to call 'mental cruelty'.

Your partner isn't interested in you, the children, nor the relationship. He's checked out, and most likely cheating.. He's invested in others and not you. He unfortunately perhaps doesn't view you highly...nor the children.

There's no fixing not saving this.
Tolerate it, make some adult friends, and come to some acceptance about things, or leave.

Either way, stop having children by him.

I absolutely agree with the last few posters. You're hurting now but one day you'll find the strength to get rid of him and will wish it had been sooner. He sounds like an ignorant pig, if I'm honest! Remember when you said you don't speak to anyone at the gym? Promise that you'll start to speak to people when you're out and about. Any small talk will do! Talk about the weather with the gym receptionists, smile at the other regular gym goers. Say hello to your dc's schoolfriends parents. Any social interactions will help. Can you increase your work hours at all to be able to afford life without this "dp"?

Thank you for your update. I don't see any glimmers of hope in your last post I'm afraid. I'm sorry, but I think you need to plan to end your marriage, and start a better life - you get one life, please don't waste it on this incredibly selfish man. Please stay strong, and use MN in the absence of friends.

Please try and develop some real life friendships whilst you do this. Maybe it's worth giving a rough indication of where you live, as there might just be a poster who lives nearby who you can strike up a friendship with - it's worth a shot maybe.

I am so sorry. You really need to just end this, tell him you are so sad your dc have never really had a dad and you hope one day to end up in a loving relationship and with someone who has time for your dc and can be a role model for them. I’d probably add I expect we will mostly communicate through a lawyer from here on to sort things but if you want to see your children let me know. You can usually spare them a few hours at Christmas, hopefully you still can.

I'm really sorry to read this. From the first post I thought your relationship was doomed, and once I read that he thinks you're past saying hello to each other (we still do after 30 years) then I was sure.

You and your DC will be better off without him.

Your partner is vile. He has absolute zero respect for you OP and has totally checked out of your relationship. You on the other hand are lonely and very isolated stuck working at home and caring for kids every day on your own. This is a role thaf should be shared. There is no future in this relationship at all. He doesn't regard you as an equal at all. Totally projecting when you tried to have a conversation with him.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or or on a mortgage and the deeds? How long have you been together?

I would be making plans to separate as there should be far more to life than living like this. You are worth far more than merely being his domestic appliance- meal on the table, clothing washed, kids taken care of 24/7. What does this inconsiderate arse actually contribute to your life?

It reads like he doesn't respect you and he doesn't enjoy being with you and the kids.
You deserve to be treated better.
His reaction to the messages was weird I could hear be cheating.
Also when pushed he deflects back to you and makes it your problem to keep the heat off him.

I think you need to get out in the world a bit more and have a life for yourself. I'd look for a hobby or meet up group and make some friends.

And consider if this is what you want long term. Maybe look at what you need to do to be financially stable without him.