AIBU / how often do you talk to dp?

[Nicholabran27]

How often do you and your dp talk? Text? Interact? Spend time together?

I’ve become upset this morning, as I was alone all weekend (like usual) with the dc. Dp works everyday, on Saturday he left at 7:30am and didn’t come home until 9:30pm. I’m not sure exactly what time he finished work that day but he had gone to our family leisure centre after to relax.

on Sunday, yesterday, he left at 7:30am and came home around 7:30pm. When he came home he didn’t speak to me AT ALL. He asked 1 very small question about something and after I replied he said nothing. For the rest of the night he didn’t speak, stayed on his phone and then went to bed without me. When I went to bed he was sleeping but still didn’t acknowledge me all night, no hugs like usual etc.

now I don’t want to be unreasonable, as I understand he works hard and a lot of hours. But I am extremely upset that I dont get any sort of attention from him on a level that I feel I should. I mean, is it really that hard to say ‘hi’ when he comes home? I mean, I don’t even get a simple ‘hi’ let alone a hello.

i have no adult company and spend all day long by myself with kids. He doesn’t even text me, no ‘how’s your day’ ‘how are you’ text ever. I wait all day for him to get home to have some adult interaction and I get nothing and it really upsets me.

to be fair, usually we watch a tv show in the evenings on the weekend and occasional nights during the week, he’ll usually still be on his phone the entire time but I’ll take what I can get! Yesterday he didn’t even do that, just completely ignored me.

do you speak during the day to your dp? Do you text at all?

something that’s made me upset is that this morning I have seen one of his colleagues who posted stories on her social media, they were laughing together and he went in front of her camera and smiled for the video. It upset me as I can’t even get that basic attention from him, he has time to have a laugh with colleagues or clients at work, to reply to others but not to check in on me? Or say hello when he comes home?

I’m just at a loss for how to feel right now. I feel extremely lonely and think I deserve more attention from my partner, I also don’t want to come across as an annoying needy partner either….

We have 4 teens. Full on jobs and a small farm. We still eat together every night and take a bath together.

We text but not obsessively and we send random I love yous occasionally in the day. We kiss when we've been out.

We basically make time for each other. We also have a bit of time away as a couple. Maybe 2x a year for a weekend.

Your life sounds incredibly lonely.

How old are the children?

I've been with dp 6 almost 7 years. We talk, we laugh, we send texts throughout the day, we face time. There is in stark contrast to my ex who towards the end stopped communicating with me altogether, and who then appeared surprised when I asked him to leave (I stayed with the dc).

Sorry hadn't read the update.

Time to take control of your life. This relationship doesn't work for you at all. How much study is left? You need to work out what you need to do to live apart as soon as possible. Make yourself some goals and work out the steps to make them happen.

You'll never be as lonely as you are now.

If you split and he had the kids 50/50 would you be able to get the study finished faster? I appreciate this it is incredibly unlikely that he'd want that but it would be very good for his relationship with the kids. They must be almost total strangers to each other.

I think I'd work through different scenarios, including moving somewhere more practical for you if he isn't going to step up. That might mean closer to your family or friends or whatever.

You deserve so much better than this - he has no respect for you or his family. (Whilst this might be tied up with his lack of father when he was younger, he could break the cycle if he really wanted to.)
Good luck

His reaction to you trying to look at his phone tells you everything you need to know. He's hiding something. I'd bet he's cheating on you. That's why he's so disengaged from the marriage. He clearly has plenty of opportunities as he's away from home so much.

He's also gaslighting you, making out it's your fault. Refusing to talk about it sensibly.

Is this the example you want to set up your children? That fathers are absent and mothers are doormats? Time to find your anger and strength OP. You don't beg him for anything. Go and speak to a solicitor. Do you have family you can ask for support?

Ok I’m going to be honest with you as if you were a sister or BF. He has cheated to what extent no one knows but something has happened. He said he wants to go, LET HIM! Please listen to me when I say this… Let him go. Don’t say anything, don’t beg him to stay let him go. He will deflect from his guilt by saying you did this, you never did that ect. You don’t need to hear that so let him pack his bag and go. DO NOT EVEN ASK WHERE. The first thing you need to do is call a solicitor ASAP. If he already has kicked off at looking after HIS child you need advice on the property and account assets. BE SENSIBLE right now you’re not rational and that’s ok but be sensible. Remember he is a workaholic and he is not “the prize”. You know him, the real him the good the bad the ugly. What ever has happened with who ever they have a false image of who he actually is. He doesn’t bring you flowers every Friday, spoil you with gifts, meet your emotional needs. Who ever he is with or planning on being with will soon realise the ideal image he created in the begging is not the real him. Men need stability. Men will cheat for a adrenalin rush and ego boost. They will give up a family and home for 1 person. When you meet someone you get a snap shot of them. It’s a quick impression but it’s not ACTUALLY who they are. When it all fails and the Adrenalin has gone the same person comes through. Wives stay because we are maternal we want to look after our partners who usually turn into husbands and then we have a family. That’s what we stay for. Men are not maternal. Keep us updated but remember what you do now will stay with you going forward. You will look back on how you reacted and what was done and said. Sending strength. We’re all here for you!

tell him you are so sad your dc have never really had a dad and you hope one day to end up in a loving relationship and with someone who has time for your dc and can be a role model for them.

DO NOT SAY THAT.
**
As soon as he knows you are getting away, you will be in the most dangerous part of leaving a relationship - the stage where women end up dead. So. You've had 'the talk' you wanted and it does not work. You know where he's coming from - he doesn't care. Plan silently. Get ready. Then either go or have him removed from the house.

Please stop trying to analyse what he’s said about you and the extent to which he might have a point. He’s saying anything he can think of to have a go at you. He’s trying to position himself in the right. You know this is wrong.

From the outside, given what you’ve written, it looks to me like he’s at the very least had his head turned. He might well be having an affair.

This is over, and you need to focus on looking after your and DCs’ best interests. I’m so very sorry- and hope you can find some support in real life.

THIS. This is the line that got me. Don't need to say hello to each other anymore?!?! WTF?!?! Sorry OP but the man doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

Please don't beg him to stay or try to talk anymore. He has checked out and you need to move on and not just be a servant for this horrendous excuse of a husband.

Thank you everyone for the responses. I know I shouldn’t try to understand everything he’s said, I know he’s just said things to put the blame on me and not take responsibility for himself. After the ‘conversation’ last night I was extremely upset at first, but after a few minutes I felt this sense of peace and felt so much better that I had got out what I needed to say and express. I think it made me realise that I would be at so much peace without him.

we’ve barely spoken today, he was clearing out things from the room (just spring cleaning things) and I found he had put a card/note in the bin. It was from Christmas and part of a gift he had received from a client. I’m pretty sure this is the client that I had read the name of on WhatsApp last night, I’m about 80/90% sure but not 100. It was quite a long note that was hand written and without repeating it all I’ll just pick out some bits.

‘We only met a few weeks ago yet I feel like I’ve known you forever’ ‘sometimes people come into your life and you know instantly they’ll have a huge impact on you’ ‘you pour your heart and soul into everything you do and yet find a way to be everything to everyone. All at once. All the time’. ‘Thank you for believing in me, supporting me and empowering me to be the best version of myself’ ‘Lots of love ’ with a drawn heart.

now I am VERY used to him receiving lots of gifts and cards like this at special occasions from clients, this one just hit me hard though. I will be honest and say I just said some unkind things to him, swore and told him this is exactly what I was talking about last night. How he can give so much attention to all these people yet not me.

the fact this person wrote that he finds a way to be everything for everyone all the time all at once’ … are you serious?! This is the exact point I have been trying to prove to him. Yet he can’t seem to understand that I’m left lonely and don’t get the bare minimum attention from him. I always felt like I was competing for attention against these others but right now I’m realising there is no competition, they get 100% more than me!

I think you really need to put some thought in to what you want and need from a relationship. Then really listen to what he’s saying/his actions are telling you he’s willing to give.

I think you know that the two aren’t compatible. You can’t make someone care or do what you need.

You can choose your own life. Or you can choose to be lonely in a pair. Take back control, don’t allow yourself to be a passenger through this world.

It’s frustrating as hell, but ruminating on his actions and choices while you’re completely paralysed in nothingness isn’t going to change anything.

How exactly do you think your life would be different if you separated?

Have a look on the turn2us website, it will show you what benefits you could get when you separate. It sounds like that's what needs to happen. I would think you'll feel 'lighter' once you've made a decision and have a plan.
I think it's good that you've had these talks, you both have got your feelings out in the open. Now think about your future and your dc. You all deserve much more than this.

And so the script begins.

and the rewriting of history…

he’s been unfaithful and has one foot out the door waiting for you to play the pick me dance.

When I first read your post my first thought was that he was cheating! I’m sorry I am right on this and he has treated you so badly for such a long time! Also out of order and controlling he wanted to check your browser. What a cheek after all he’s done. I hope you are ok and I think as you’ve said, you are finding peace already.

What self-employed person receives notes like that from a client?

PLEASE get yourself to a solicitor
PLEASE start looking for documents/bank statements etc because you cannot trust him
PLEASE stop looking for crumbs of attention - he's totally checked out

Have you family support?
Stop letting him gaslight you - it's not you, it's him
And make sure he starts acting like a parent. He doesn't appear to have been one so far

I think it made me realise that I would be at so much peace without him.

Exactly this. You're tying yourself up in knots trying to figure him out. It's time to leave.

Get yourself an appointment with a family solicitor ASAP. You'll feel even better once you get the ball rolling.

@Nicholabran27 How are things with you?

OP, See a counsellor about this. Either alone or together. If things don't change, you will end up divorced. Watch John Gottman "Making Marriage Work" on YouTube.

Sorry OP, I didn't RTFT. I see now he is probably cheating and has asked to leave. John Gottman would be a great reference point for how a good Future Relationship could be. Worth a watch, he's great fun. Sounds like this one has checked out. Really sorry for your pain!

You need to sit him down and talk to him because I that is no way for you to live. My husband works a lot too and is usually away between 1-3 nights a week. I wake every morning to a Morning Gorgeous message (he is always up before me), he then FaceTimes me at 7.30 which is when I get up, we won’t necessarily talk during the working day but we send each other the odd text (missing you/thinking about you etc) but he will always make time to call if there is stuff going on at home that he wants to support me with. Evenings when he is away he will
call when he gets to the hotel and then we may have a further couple of FaceTimes that evening, always one before bed. When he is home I get a coffee brought up to bed at 7.30 during the week, on a weekend I always go down and make them, we try to start every day with a coffee and chat in bed, evenings we’ll sit and watch TV together or sometimes take a bottle of wine upto bed. That to me is a healthy relationship, we talk all the time, I always know what he’s got
going on work wise and we both actively do little things to help the other out.

I hope you resolve OP as your current situation sounds unbearable, you deserve way more from him

thank you everyone for your advice and messages! I have read them and taking them all on board. Here is an update

after that night things completely changed (so far). Well, a lot changed not everything. On Valentine’s Day he took the day off work, spent the entire day with me, watched movies all night together 1-2-1 and he cuddled me/direct affection the entire time, he actually left his phone in the room and didn’t go on it! He also bought me flowers and gifts.

the following day he came with me to take dc out, he then took us to eat, the next day he spent the evening taking me and dc to a gorgeous restaurant in London and having quality family time together.

the entire past week he has dedicated time to watch tv with me (worked around his shifts when he has been home). It sounds silly but the little things like watching tv and cuddling makes me so happy. It’s like he is in love with me all over again, he’s showing so much affection, even small gestures like he can’t stop holding my hands, rubbing them, telling me he loves me, cuddling with me etc.

he opened up with the situation with the clients note, showed me and told me what happened, he’s not 100% innocent but it was just a case of the woman being extremely flirty (which he should have cut off from the start) but it’s all been sorted now.

I am not saying it’s perfect, there are still issues that need to be dealt with, but I think that is a lot of improvement?

This is a big improvement! How did this come about - did you have a serious conversation about how you felt?

We're in pretty much constant contact. We talk all the time at home, he calls me sometimes if he's out, we text. Tbh i wouldnt know what the point was if we didnt, i'd rather live on my own than be ignored by a man. Tbh i think yours is having an affair op. The 'leisure centre' is a euphemism and he's checked out.

Yes, I wouldn’t call it a ‘conversation’ as I basically had to force him to listen to me and it didn’t go well at all. HOWEVER, it was the best I’ve got in years and I felt so much relief to let out everything I needed to say to him.

it is a big improvement, I have felt on cloud 9 all week. It’s been incredible, nothing extravagant but getting the normal attention I should have been getting has made me feel very ‘spoilt’.

I do have some reservations, and I hope that this isn’t going to turn sour soon.