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Original poster

Looks versus Personality

72 replies

Cityfreak · 02/12/2002 11:22

What do you think? I have always had partners whom I found very handsome and sexy to me, although I know they were human and not like models. I have also never had a boyfriend less than 6 feet tall (ie a few inches taller than me). Now, I never meet anyone who is handsome, apart from ones who are already married and therefore ineligible. I have never got involved with a really good friend (well, with one exception whom I had always fancied)whom I did not really fancy, because I thought that it would be like in Out of Africa or the English Patient, ie lonely woman marries man who is really just a good mate and then meets handsome hero and has torrid immoral affair which hurts everyone and someone probably dies as well. Now, I am starting to think, will I ever get a partner again, unless I just marry a man who is nice and I like him as a friend, but I don't really think he is handsome or sexy? I tell myself that being nice is more important than being handsome, but I am finding it really difficult to get over these stumbling blocks of height and looks. Also, I have had in previous years very happy sexual relationships with my partners, and conceiving ds was very sexy and happy. When you both want more children, how realistic is it to think you can have a longterm relationship with someone whom you don't really fancy? On the other hand, it is not fair to compare men in their 30s with previous boyfriends whom you knew 10 years ago, ie when they were in their 20s. I can accept that men in their 30s will not be as sexy as men in their 20s, and no doubt the same is true of me, and he will have to accept an older version of me, getting older all the time. So, the upshot is, what do you think about the comparative weight of looks and personality when falling in love?

OP posts:

aloha · 02/12/2002 11:37

I fell in love with dh at the age of 35 and he was 40 - and I found him very, very handsome and desperately, overwhelmingly sexy! It was't looks so much (though he is very tall which I liked and certainly very attractive to me) as just an 'animal' attraction, whereby you don't even know why you love/fancy someone so much, you just feel magnetically drawn to them. You like the way they move, feel and smell (!) and the sound of their voice. It's not personality v looks at all for me - the attraction wasn't really about either, though kindness and a desire to put me first in their life (ie never late, calls when says they will etc is one of my top five sexy qualities). Mind you, I've never been obsessed with conventional looks - I've always fancied Jeff Goldblum more than Brad Pitt, for example. I think intelligence is a huge factor for me too. Jeff always looked cleverer, more original, more independent of thought and action than dear pretty Brad. And he plays the piano. I don't think that men of 20 are necessarily more attractive than men in their 30s, quite the contrary often!

WideWebWitch · 02/12/2002 11:38

I don't think you need both, i.e looks and personality, I think personality is more important, but I do think you need passion/sexiness somewhere along the line. My advice would be: don't marry someone who is nice and your friend if you don't think they're sexy too - I did and it didn't last for me anyway. If there is passion to begin with though, even if it fades with the years and kids and life in general, maybe it can be re-kindled. But you can't rekindle something that didn't exist in the first place. So I think friendship AND passion/sexiness are important, short and long term. And yes, I can see how the dramatic film scenario might happen if you married for friendship and then met someone exciting.

Tinker · 02/12/2002 11:54

Can't write too much at the moment but really don't agree that men in their 30's will not be as sexy as men in their 20's. And agree, it's not about looks or personality, someone just feels 'right'. After that, you then find you fancy everything about them.

Original poster

Cityfreak · 02/12/2002 12:05

I am not saying that the partners I have had have all been objectively gorgeous, I am saying that I thought they were, and that was one of the reasons I fell in love with them. I am wondering how important you think it is to fancy your partner subjectively physically, or whether I should just try to get over it, and whether I am weird to have found the physical aspect of romantic love so important. The problem I am having, is that if there is no physical attraction there, why not just keep him as a friend? Obvious answer is: because I want a friend who is also a lover and then we can become a family together as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cityfreak · 02/12/2002 12:06

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 02/12/2002 12:32

Isn't fancying someone always subjective? No you're not weird, it's important to me too, the physical aspect of romantic love. If there's no physical attraction then someone is just a friend surely? Or am I missing your point/question? If so, sorry, not deliberate

Original poster

Cityfreak · 02/12/2002 12:43

No, www, you are exactly getting my point, and your advice is clearly, don't do it if you don't fancy him, but I am wondering whether nothing is better than something, ie is it better to have a husband and more children and bad sex, rather than to be lonely forever. Actually, it may be an academic question anyway, as I am now starting to remember someone who asked me out a couple of times, when I was quite lonely at university, and I did not fancy him although I liked him, and I evaded ever kissing him or doing anything affectionate, and then told him it was all off. So, I probably could not go through with getting involved with someone whom I don't fancy anyway.

OP posts:

Tinker · 02/12/2002 12:49

I think you've answered your own question cityfreak. Plus, it wouldn't really be fair on the bloke - would you be honest or would you kid yourself that it didn't matter that you didn't fancy him? If you have to kid yourself then it does matter.

slug · 02/12/2002 14:14

I think if you love someone, they look beautiful to you no matter what. Now objectivly I know that dh is probably not the best looking guy on the block, but I just think he's gorgeous. Ditto dd, I find it really hard to be pbjective about her looks because she's my precious baby and therefore the most beautiful thing in the world.

threeangels · 02/12/2002 14:14

When I first met my dh I was actually likeing a friend of his at the time. My dh who wasnt at the time kept asking me to not get with his friend because he was just out for one thing. He said he didnt want me to get hurt. Found out he was right in the end. Anyway, my dh kept calling me and bugging me to cook dinner for me and I kept putting him off because I just didnt feel drawn to him. Dont know why I just didnt feel that way (only as a friend). Well he drove me crazy for 2-3 months and finally one day my mom said why not let him because he seems like a nice guy. So I decided to as a friend. We did and after one night of conversation and a nice dinner I started seeing him in a different way. From then on out we were inseperatable. We have been together now for 14 yrs and I always think about how my relationship got started. I guess you could say it was the personality that really attracted me. He is a good looking guy just at that time I was looking for someone a little different.

threeangels · 02/12/2002 14:18

Just want to clear up when I said found out in the end I didnt mean we did anything I just found out verbally from someone else. Proud to say dh was my first actually.

Rhubarb · 02/12/2002 15:04

I had a set idea of what I liked and disliked. I loved tall, dark, rugged looking men. When I first set eyes on dh he hardly set my heart pumping! But he had a great personality and we soon became good friends. I found that I could confide in him, he was a good listener and very thoughtful, quietly intelligent, never boastful. He was also very loyal and would do anything for his friends, he would never bitch about anyone, nor betray them. I found his personality very attractive, but it was over a year before we started going out, as I found the attractiveness issue a stumbling block too. Plus he was hardly career-minded, being unemployed when I met him and then going on to become a digger driver! Soon my fondness for him grew and I started to see him in a new light. Because I had such respect for him, his appearance grew more attractive to me, and I was able to home in on the things about him I did like, such as his square jaw, his eyes, his chest, etc.

So Cityfreak, I'm not a great believer in love at first sight. Falling in love is something that can just catch up with you, sometimes you don't even realise you are in love. Just nuture a friendship, the more you get on with someone the more attractive they become to you. Love grows like that I believe.

Blimey, that's philosophical for a Monday afternoon!

sis · 02/12/2002 15:10

Cityfreak, I agree with slug, in that objectively I know that dh is not the best looking man ever, but the point is that I fancy him. So, i agree that you do need the physical and and emotional attraction but I would focus on overall attraction rather than say, never go out with anyone below a certain height.

What I'm trying to say is that if you fancy the guy, his height should not put you off from seeing him.

slug · 02/12/2002 15:23

It's dead romantic this thread. I would like to add that while dh will never grace a catwalk, he does have a truly fantastic arse.

prufrock · 02/12/2002 21:12

I think you do have to fancy the pants off someone you promise to spend the rest of your life with (or at least get into a long term relationship with). But this doesn't always happen immediately. Rhubarb - were you going out romanticaly (Oh OK then, sleeping with him) before you found him attractive? I am a grat beliver in "The ONE" but I found DH attractive right from the start, and our one night stand has now lasted 7 years! I think you should definately wait until you find a man who you find attractive phsyically as well as mentally Cityfreak.

Java · 02/12/2002 21:22

Anyone else know the saying that "You don't look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking the fire"

SimonHoward · 03/12/2002 06:07

Aloha

I just read your posting and are you sure you're not my wife?

She has a very similar attitude towards Mr Goldblum (and other non-conventional looking men).

SimonHoward · 03/12/2002 06:12

Java

That's a very old saying.

Almost as old as 'they are all the same size when lying down'

SnoobyKat · 03/12/2002 06:25

I agree with Aloha - Jeff Goldblum is great. ALso agree with Rhubarb - love grows. Like slug and sis, my DH is not what you consider "Conventionally handsome" but he is to me. I hadn't heard of Java's saying but "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I think is true. Many people seemed surprised us being a couple but I don't care what they think. DH has his faults as do I (as does I everyone I know) but he's kind, gentle, good-natured and loyal. I love him to bits and I believe that I love him more than the day we got married almost ten years ago.

I do believe that personality is more important than looks. Looks change, we get older/fatter/thinner/wrinkled etc etc etc but ultimately personality does not change, at least not to any great extent. I wouldn't swap my DH for all the tea in China nor Jeff Goldblum not Harrison Ford nor James Mason nor Patrick Stewart nor .....! Ah time for coffee, a choccie and a favourite video before DS wakes up and this goes on too long!!!

aloha · 03/12/2002 10:52

Hi SimonHoward! I wondered where you were on all the 'what shall I buy the 5,000 for Xmas?' threads!

It was a huge surprise to me when I first realised that other people didn't think my now-dh wasn't as irresistible as I thought he was - it took me ages to see that objectively, he probably wasn't model material. I suppose that's the very definition of 'in they eye of the beholder.' Mind you, since I persuaded him to have a groovier haircut I've had so many compliments on my 'good work'!

CAM · 03/12/2002 11:55

I don't believe we choose who to fall in love with. I think love finds us (cupid shoots us with his bow and arrow) and therefore we see the other as gorgeous anyway.

Lil · 03/12/2002 13:13

Does anyone's husband actually set their heart a flutter now after - how ever many years?? Don't the 'experts' say it wears off after just 2 years. To be replaced by something less intense, but very warming?

Enid · 03/12/2002 13:14

"In the dark all cats are grey"

prufrock · 03/12/2002 13:18

Sets my heart a flutter, makes my knees go weak - and annoys the cr*p out of me. And he isn't conventionally gorgeous. What I meant to Cityfreak was that she should wait for someone that SHE finds attractive, which doesn't necessarily mean he has to look like a model

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 13:18

but there are big cats and little cats

Not trying to lower the tone...honest

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