Looks versus Personality

[Cityfreak]

What do you think? I have always had partners whom I found very handsome and sexy to me, although I know they were human and not like models. I have also never had a boyfriend less than 6 feet tall (ie a few inches taller than me). Now, I never meet anyone who is handsome, apart from ones who are already married and therefore ineligible. I have never got involved with a really good friend (well, with one exception whom I had always fancied)whom I did not really fancy, because I thought that it would be like in Out of Africa or the English Patient, ie lonely woman marries man who is really just a good mate and then meets handsome hero and has torrid immoral affair which hurts everyone and someone probably dies as well. Now, I am starting to think, will I ever get a partner again, unless I just marry a man who is nice and I like him as a friend, but I don't really think he is handsome or sexy? I tell myself that being nice is more important than being handsome, but I am finding it really difficult to get over these stumbling blocks of height and looks. Also, I have had in previous years very happy sexual relationships with my partners, and conceiving ds was very sexy and happy. When you both want more children, how realistic is it to think you can have a longterm relationship with someone whom you don't really fancy? On the other hand, it is not fair to compare men in their 30s with previous boyfriends whom you knew 10 years ago, ie when they were in their 20s. I can accept that men in their 30s will not be as sexy as men in their 20s, and no doubt the same is true of me, and he will have to accept an older version of me, getting older all the time. So, the upshot is, what do you think about the comparative weight of looks and personality when falling in love?

but I am very much enjoying www... its just what the doctor should have ordered

Ghosty, There may well be, but someone that I don't know so well. I think I have been terribly well-behaved for too long, focusing on ds and work. Last night ds started asking me whether the man who lives in the upstairs flat was my boyfriend! Really bizarre as I have never had a boyfriend in his lifetime. On the other hand, ds is aware that my friends keep trying to set me up and send me out to have coffee with various men they know. I was really deadpan and explained that Mummy did not love the upstairs man and he was not going to be her boyfriend, and that we did not need any boyfriends around here unless they were really nice and kind, and loved Mummy and ds. Then he goes, "Mummy needs a boyfriend." So, I said how happy we were alone together, and then he says, "Mummy, I want a baby in your tummy. Mummy, I want three babies," holding up 3 fingers! Just what I need, eh? So this morning have been on amazon searching for preschool books about family change etc. After an hour or so of buying all kinds of books for ds, I thought I'd get a trashy romance for myself for Xmas hols. Have not been able to relate to any of these for years. After various searches for no results, I looked for "romance; mother; remarriage" and finally found some. One looked good. A professional divorced woman, devoted mother, comes from a family of high achievers, single for a long time, suddenly meets an artist, they have an intensely sexual relationship..." I click the button to read more. And the next page says, "which threatens to destroy all that she holds dear in life." So, I won't be reading that one then! No wonder I feel so pessimistic about men and love, when those are all the signals which society sends lone mothers.

Cityfreak - there is a difference between society a la Mumsnet and society a la Mills and Boon
Do you have to have a relationship? Obviously it depends on your own moral outlook, but you don't have to go from nothing to full blown relationship straight away - you might enjoy a brief fling!

As a matter of interest, I wonder whether men get that same "flutter" in that same way. Or if that its the same for all women, itsunlike any other sensation. I'm not being romantic...more biological. Its a question I've never thought of asking a man. Have any of you?

Then again I suppose its so subjective you could never really pinpoint or quantify it,

I do hope I'm not enquiring about hard on's

Bobbins, that is so funny!!!

Anais - I think you have to compromise somewhere, even if it is only about his smelly socks. A happy relationship is all about compromise, and if you love someone you are willing to do that for them, because that's what you get in return. For instance my dh smokes when he drinks and I never had, so I think he smells like a stale fart and refuse to kiss him, and then it leads onto big arguments which don't make a blind bit of difference as he still smokes! But then I have very bad PMT and he has put up with me calling him all names under the sun, but he never holds a grudge against me for that, he will just sit me down and hug me. (I will often call him a patronising brd for this and punch him in the bcks, but that's by the by.)

Cityfreak - maybe you are looking for the wrong thing? You want romance, but how about a plain old friendship? Whenever I wanted romance, I never got anywhere, but once I was happy with myself and stopped looking for anyone, I found myself inundated with offers. (I'm not bragging by the way! ) It's all about the signals you are sending off, apparently.

However, I ask you, no matter how lovely a personality he had, and no matter how funny he was, could anyone, seriously, sleep with Les Dennis? Unless you are only after extra publicity and money of course, not thinking of anyone in particular here, not his wife at all for instance!

Amanda is a silly fool....don't think much of the Morrissey bloke either though.

RE: The "flutter" and men....I've just asked new blokey...he reckons he gets it...I asked him where he felt it and it seems to resemble where I get it....and he SAYS he does get it with me...which is GOOD news...but says the hard on follows...sorry to be crude. I was genuinely interested.

On with the "flutter"

Love this thread, but can't read the whole thing. I particularly like Slug's comment way back - -I think what most people are saying that you can't compartmentalize a person/your feeling towards them into: personality, looks, friendship. . . I don't know who said it, but it's all about chemistry: It's there, or it ain't. But when you really just want to be with someone cuz you're feeling lonely or worrying you're getting old, you end up wondering if you're settling if you go for someone who isn't a Knight In Shining Armor. Will it work? I don't think there are any KISAs. So if the chemistry's there, you enjoy each other's company, and the time is right, you could really be happy together. my 2cents.

Goodness Bells, does toothless mean something slightly different in Auzzie vernacular. I've got visions of you with a gummy now!!

Sadly Bugsy he had no adult teeth come through (well only a couple anyway) and although he has implants, they are of terrible quality and there are still quite a few gaps. In our early courting days, he was often biting into something at a restaurant, wincing and removing a piece of food with a tooth implanted in it (lovely!). One day we will get him a proper new set, but we've been quoted £13,000 -£16,000.

Actually, I have been amazed that the Brits don't seem to be familiar with the phrase "English Teeth". In Oz and the States, people always know exactly what is meant by this...

Bloody hell Bells, poor bloke. I know that the English don't have a great reputation for their dental care but I've never heard of someone not having grown up teeth come through. Sounds like something out of Dickins.

My cousin has the same tooth problem. I wonder how widespread it is?
I've never heard the phrase English teeth before - but then you may have noticed, Bells, the incredible degree to which UK life and culture is talked up in our media (everything is "world's biggest..." or "world's greatest..." ). I've also heard (from non-British sources) that if a man asks a French girl to sleep with him on a first date, she may reply indignantly "I'm not English!" Which is not generally known in England either.

Funnily enough SML I had two adult teeth that never appeared too so I suspect it actually isn't that uncommon.

haven't you seen Austin Powers? he's supposed to have a quintessential set of English teeth. Bells2 - I can't tell if you're trying to be funny, but I think I would roll over laughing if I was out dining with you and your dh.

With regards to looks/personality, I had a friend who fell pregnant by a chap as an experiment to test her fertility. She performed well and delivered twins. The relationship broke up because he was a nutter. Wedding cancelled etc.

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, she started seeing an old flame, v.wealthy, public school, bit pervy charmer type. She was immensely attracted to this chap and whilst I never met him, I imagine he was probably good-looking as she had been a catwalk model in her better years. Anyway, rich bloke shags her on the kitchen table, cuddles her babies, lots of passion, kindness, romance, even lets her meet his la-dee-la family and then tells her " I'll never marry you, or take on your kids, it's be like buying a house with someone else's furniture in it". She was devastated and picked her head off the floor and went off.

I was really upset by my friend's experience and as we've now lost touch don't know if she has realised her dream of nice and handsome man.

It is just a reminder that things are always harder with new men when you already have children (that aren't theirs). Hope this hasn't been too demoralising.

Rhubarb, like I said, this is probably while I'm still single

Problem is, the more time I spend being single, the more set in my ways I get (arghhh, I'm only 22) and the higher my standards get! Someone would have to be REEEEEEEALLY special for me to be able to put up with those irritating habits. And this is presuming I can ever find anyone who could put up with me!

Clucks, Your story is rather gloomy, but I agree that it is all very different selecting a boyfriend when you already have children. When ds was tiny I had an undefined thing with a friend, on and off for about 6 months, and it did not work because it was too soon for me to try and get into another serious relationship, and because he was terribly jealous of ds, incessantly asking when I was going to stop breastfeeding, trying to kiss me when ds was crying and I wanted to go and see to him, etc. I also agree with Anais, that when you have children, you develop a pretty rigid lifestyle, and it is going to be harder for a man to fit in with that, rather than with some woman who can be flexible to his whims. I also find that I am drawn to men who have nice parents, because I start imagining how great it would be to have helpful in-laws, unlike my ex's bitchy mother. So, really, personality starts to mean all kinds of different things, which boil down to whether he is capable of being sensible and responsible towards a family, rather than whether he is charming, and whether you can imagine him coping with potty training and mess with jokes (like most of us), or with anger and disgust. The opposite side of it is that some nice men feel really threatened that you are managing as a breadwinner and a parent all by yourself, and are too intimidated to realize that you might actually fancy them and need a cuddle or a bit of moral support now and then ... but, that was always my problem even before I had kids.

My first dh was extremely good looking, exceptionally so according to my friends. I used to think so but after a while we lost the buzz. My dh now (married for 2 years but very good friends for 15 years) I've known since I was 15 and we were always very good friends but no romance, in fact I never fancied him based on looks although always found him a very attractive personality, hence why we were such good friends. We fell madly in love a couple of years ago and I've never looked back. Physically the relationship is the best I've ever experienced and there's a lot of respect and passion. He isn't nearly as good looking as my ex dh but I fancy him much more ! As some of the others said, it's all about spark.

Anais

Don't be so gloomy.

I was 27 before I met my DW and she was the first person I'd had a relationship with in almost 10 years.

You have pleanty of time.

hi simon, nice to see you are still around.

Thanks Simon Howard

I'm not really gloomy, just resigned!

No, seriously, most of the time I'm quite happy being single. It's just recently a few doubts have been creeping in. Both from the point of view of being lonely (shhhh, but yes, I do have my moments) and I have started wondering whether my kids are missing out from the choices I have made. But hey, that's a whole other thread.

If it's meant to happen it will, right? Maybe there is a soul mate out there for me, but I'm not going to put myself on hold waiting for him (or her) and neither am I going to settle for someone who isn't right. So for now I will remain single and enjoy what I have. Thank you for caring!