Will I regret waiting?

[LilBus]

I haven’t dated in many years as I’m a full time single parent and have my children with me full time so in order to date it would take a lot of extra effort and cost (babysitters etc) so for that reason I haven’t bothered. I’ve started to feel like I should wait till they grow up and no longer need sitters but by then I will be almost 40 and I worry I will regret it? I’ve heard dating in your 40s isn’t that great as most men in their 40s prefer younger women which I guess makes sense, so that leaves men in their 50s which I haven’t heard great things about either 😩 will I regret not trying whilst still young enough? Has anyone waited a regretted it? Should I try before the pool gets even worse? (This is all stuff I’ve heard time and time again on MN so not just making it up I’ve heard how dire dating in your 40/50s is)

Date now - have fun, but keep the men out of your house

I've literally just posted myself tonight about OLD in your 40s. I'm in my 40s myself. Consenus seems to be it's shit for some and great for others.

Being perfectly blunt though OP, you could date now, find someone and STILL end up single and dating again in your 40s. You never know what will happen in life! Just go into it with an open mind and open eyes seems to be the advice I'm getting.

I became a working single parent through divorce when I was in my mid 30s. It was all very traumatic, took a while to recover. Life was full-on with work and family life, so I didn't pursue a quest for a new relationship. I somewhat naively thought there would be time when my children were grown - but I agree that it gets harder as we get older. I'm in my mid 60s now and pretty resigned to living out my life as a single - certainly not 'looking' any more.

Do I regret it? Not sure. I didn't realise how invisible we become as we get older, and how our dating pool shrinks as men tend to be attracted to younger women. But OTOH, I've had a nice life, lots of great friends, freedom....perhaps happier, on balance, than women with less-than-great partners.

That’s my opinion most men seem to go for younger women so that will make it harder, I’m not looking for anything casual or fun I want a proper relationship but obviously it will be very hard as I don’t get days off so it will cost me a fortune in order to date but I don’t want to look back and regret not looking when I was younger and still lots of potential men?

I'm 46. I've been separated for 2 years. It was messy. I felt like every relationship I've ever had has been problematic but I suddenly feel open to the possibility despite being a single working mum with full custody of 2 primary age DC.

I then developed ridiculous crushes on a couple of men I know. But I don't have the confidence to do anything about it.

I've recently decided to try OLD again but I'm not having much luck.

I might give it up and accept its not the right time. I had no idea how it was going to work logistically anyway but I have friends in the same situation who tell me if it's meant to be you'll find a way!

Can I ask why OLD isn’t working? I would definitely need to look online as I don’t get the chance to meet anyone IRL

@LilBus

So, one site I'm using is aimed at single parents. There's nobody local I like. In over 2 weeks I've had no matches and I've said this on another thread most men are smokers, their profile picture Has them lying down so you can't see thier face and they have things like angry dogs or neck tattoos and just look unpleasant. It's a massive area too and my friend's 55 year old ex came up in my selection and he's 75 miles away.

So today I joined another. 2 friend's of mine met thier fiancées on it and one thier husband. Better photos but the tone of the profiles are awful. They say stuff like 'if you don't like me I won't like you and I need to hear from you and meet you ASAP don't waste my time' ie needy and desperate.

Some sound up themselves. One said he'd had so many likes he joined a model agency and his profile discussed his earnings.

I've liked loads,I've messaged loads. 4 messeged me I only remotely fancied 1. He sent 3 messages then stopped.

It's just grim and absolutely soul destroying.

Sorry I meant lying down so you can't see what they're doing with thier hands. Ex is a porn addiction so those pics were triggering for me.

Yeah that sounds rubbish! I did have a brief look on tinder after friends suggested joining up for a look and I couldn’t believe how many men were openly married “married but looking for fun” at least they were honest I suppose! Then recognised a man I know who was claiming to be 5 years younger than he actually is 😂

What not great things have you heard about dating men in their 50s, who are arguably more financially secure and settled?

Oh please @Whsthappensnow just ask the men you like out for a coffee. Most would be flattered I am sure. And if they say no, you haven’t lost anything, it’s not a judgement of you as a person, as there are a multitude of reasons why people don’t want to date and anyway they don’t know you!

Literally just say, “hello, no worries if you are busy but I just wondered if you’d like to go for a quick coffee some time?” . Keep it light and breezy. Good luck!

Good luck to you op too!

Well I’m 35 so not looking at dating men in their 50s if I’m honest even at 40 I prefer not to date that much older and prefer my own age range but apparently men in their 40 favour younger women but just heard that they aren’t appealing looks wise (generally overweight / bald and not a great selection as they don’t take care of them selves as much as women do again this is just what I’ve heard) I’ve even heard them being described as “grim” on here

I am in a similar position, single parent to 2 DC, ex not on the scene so no baby no shared childcare. I am 37 and I have just recently thought about dating again after a 10 year marriage. I feel overwhelmed by the thought if it and so much less confident than when i last dated in my 20s. My friend met someone recently through OLD but i don't feel quite ready for that yet.. feels so overwhelming to even think about starting again at this point but I do want to meet someone....

I was 34 when I started online dating (POF) I did it for about 18 months on and off. I met some really lovely men on there. I only really entertained the men who took the time to send me a proper message or responded to mine with a proper message.

I spoke to a couple on the phone and I met a couple in person. They were all between 38-42 (unless they lied of course!). Some would have made lovely boyfriends and I honestly believed they wanted that type of set up (not necessarily with me but in general). It is a numbers game though and in the end I wasn't ready for online dating. It can take its toll.

I don't recognise your description of men in their 40s and 50s. SOME men will prefer younger women (usually the more shallow, superficial ones that you wouldn't want to date anyway). Plenty don't prefer younger women. The general feeling amongst the 40s / 50s men I know is that there are some good looking younger women, but they are generally not 'mature' enough for them to be attracted to them longer term, and there is the risk they'll want more children. So they steer well clear.

There are some men in their 40s and 50s best avoided. Same as some men in their 20s and 30s.

There are also some good, decent people. They aren't all walking cliches.

That’s not my description and I think I made that clear? I have no idea what men in their 40/50s are like I’m basing it on the many threads I’ve seen on here about how awful it is once you’re a certain age I’m sure others have seen the threads to they come up often

And whilst I’m sure there are great men I'm more concerned the pool will be significantly smaller at 40+

It was my description and its an accurate one in my experience. If it was us behaving the way they are and looking like they do they'd be saying the same thing.

Also, why haven't I asked out the men I like IRL? Because I see them every day one is a neighbour and one is a colleague so when you handle rejection as badly as I do it feels easier to deal with from people I haven't met yet.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4852490-experiences-of-old-with-men-40-50s-age-bracket

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4864336-dating-in-your-fifties-why-bother

There’s loads more saying how awful it is so I’m just going on other people’s experiences and don’t want to end up regretting things.

It is awful and most 40 plus men on there are awful. The ones who meet the love of their lives on there are the exception (or compromising) and, importantly, the dating apps sole mission is not to help you find love but to keep you as a customer on there for as long as possible

You don't know until you try. My curiosity got the better of me because of my friend's success stories but my experience is as described on the threads not the same as thiers.

Interestingly I've just realised they're both 10 years younger than me and thier blokes are my age.

Ah that doesn’t sound promising, people say to meet irl but that would be impossible for me and there’s no way I would date a family friend or someone my friends have hooked me up with I know this is popular choice but I hate the thought of dating someone that everyone knows! And having my children full time I obviously don’t get a chance to meet men irl.