Is he a **** or am I being soft?!

[Boymum93]

Hi guys - just after some advice -

Recently introduced my partner to my kids after being together for over 2 years. However he has recently been critiquing my parenting - he has children of his own and we recently got together with all the kids. One of mine is a little hyper - nothing unusual of a typical little boy. His words have really cut deep as I have been single parenting for a long time and it isn’t easy. He pretty much said my kids must be the way they are as they come from a single parent household (he shares custody of his kids whereas I have my children 100% of the time). He openly admitted to judging my parenting style and said my childrens behaviour upsets him. They aren’t angels but they aren’t that bad! Nothing short of children running around and calling each-other poo heads etc. It’s really affecting me to the point of wanting to leave him - AIBU? We have a great relationship but this has really made me upset. Not sure what to do? Any advice appreciated.

Glad to see you've called it a day with him, you just aren't compatible. On a side note, I have 3 kids and been a single mum . My kids would never run around being general hooligans, unlike my married friends kids who are nothing short of feral. I can totally understand his observations because it is stressful being in that situation. There's nothing worse than parents allowing their kid's to be entitled, and "their whole world"! They aren't, they are a part of your world.

You've had a honeymoon stage where everything was great because it lay outside your 'real' life. Now he is showing his true colours. If he criticises you for this, he will be judgemental in other ways too. I had a boyfriend like that in my 20s - told me which of my friends he liked and which he didn't, suggested how I should cut my hair or what clothes I should wear, openly didn't like my brother etc. I was mad about him so I put up with it (I didn't do what he asked me to, but felt upset about the things he said). Being with him was like being in a battle. I still see him occasionally (platonically) and he hasn't changed.

Criticism can be constructive or destructive. If he wanted to construct he will be telling you things that you already now (nobody kids are angels) and in the same sentence offering you advice tips to improve the little daily stuff that everyone can improve. Sentences in the way of "no wonder why this kid is hyper growing with just a parent" are not only destructive are very judgemental.

He may think you are a soft parent, and? What and where is the problem? You said that your kids are well behaved, so definitely they got their rules and routines.

Speak with him and if he is not going to add he can just go back to his place.

Well done op, stay strong if he now tries to backtrack and minimise

This is why the two year thing that gets trotted out on MN is a load of rubbish.

OP hope you're okay. You've definitely done the right thing but it must be pretty hard to change your life direction all over again.

For what it's worth I think kids acting a bit feral and calling each other funny names in a park/garden/etc is absolutely hilarious and completely normal.

Excellent (and the correct) decision. Let him go and find another woman he feels is a perfect parent to their perfect children. It's already two strikes in (you and his Ex). Hope the next woman has as much self worth and common sense as you. Onwards and upwards OP. 🌹

It's not going to be a good relationship, OP, if he's so critical and judgemental.

Also, because he has half of the week away from his kids, he'll resent being with your kids at that time.

That's why she's dumped him

That should have been a clue about who he was.

You have a few options

1. Let him know how those comments make you feel and not to say them again

2. End your relationship

3. Keep your relationship separate from your children

I don’t understand the ppl who say ‘keep your relationship away from your kids’. What’s the point of being in a relationship with someone you wouldn’t want around your kids and who wouldn’t be good for them? Surely it’s better to just be single?

I think it depends on what you’re looking for relationship wise. For me I wouldn’t want that personally as I’d like to settle down and like the idea of a ‘blended family’. I do think it depends though.

Well I didn’t realise at the time - was always said ‘in jest’ “oh the kids have said that bad word because their mum swears a lot’ but now looking back and reflecting it does seem like he blamed his ex for anything he deemed to be negative.

I know three (grown up now) kids who got in bitter verbal fights and called each other much worse than “poo heads.”
They also got in horrible physical fights, one resulting in 20+ stitches for one of them.
They had both parents at home.
I think this is your cue that this dude is not your perfect match, @Boymum93— leaving him would be my recommendation.

Yeah, I get that. Was just a bit shocked at the ppl recommending you carry on seeing him and keep him away from ur kids. Once he made those comments, there’s no going back really. Surely no one would carry on dating someone who’d made comments about their kids and criticised their parenting?

100%! I couldn’t just keep seeing him and keep my kids away from him - wouldn’t work out at all - and then I don’t think I’d be able to shake the thought that he basically thinks I’m a crap parent 🫣

He is a <what you said> .

Bin him off. He's got a ruddy cheek criticising your parenting, and for him to say that it is because you are a single parent - well, words fail me.

For me this is part of the argument for introducing kiddoes early on rather than waiting for years ... It really matters how they and bf get on and how he is with them. I would have to throw this one back I'm afraid.

I think your son might know a phrase to describe your partner OP.