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Original poster

36 do I stay and have another baby or leave?

59 replies

Bella2255 · 07/02/2024 21:05

I need help.

I’m 36 and been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 2 year old. Before having a child we were “solid” - the perfect couple (or thought we were), but since having a child it’s highlighted problems in our relationship.

I’m now driving myself crazy trying to decide what to do. I want more children, and worried at my age time is not on my side. Do I stay and have another child at some point…. Or try and find someone else? What if I don’t find anyone? My partner is not that bothered about having more children, said he would at some point, but while we’re having issues, it’s the last thing from his mind.

He found the transition into parenthood HARD. He has very little patience, has a short temper, and massively struggled giving up his time, freedom and routine. He said the newborn stage was hell on earth.

After having our child we went through the ‘room mate’ stage, which didn’t help our intimacy. We’ve never had a wild sex life (I don’t have a huge sex drive) however now it’s almost none existent. I do wonder if after the ‘honeymoon phase’ it ever felt particularly natural. My partner has a very stressful job and once he’s finished for the day and been to the gym, he has no energy left for much of anything! Now if we do it feels forced.

My partner on paper is the perfect man… tall, dark and handsome, he turns heads wherever he goes, he has a highly paid job, ambitious, funny, intelligent, generally a very impressive person. He’s the golden boy at work, and people love being around him.

However behind closed doors he can be emotionally closed off and very selfish. He struggles putting other people before him, and he comes first nearly always. He puts all his energy into his work and the gym. He doesn’t particularly like to socialise and doesnt really have any close friends (apart from school friends who he very rarely sees). He isolates himself a lot and that’s where he’s most comfortable.

I dont feel like a priority to my partner, as long as he has time for his job, and the gym, he’s happy. He said he thinks I need someone who can give me more time, effort and energy, of which he doesn’t have. He said he knows he has changed, he used to be more affectionate and thoughtful, and he doesn’t know why he’s changed. I want to be someone’s world, someone’s everything…. Is that a fairytale expectation? I do have very high standards myself, but that’s because I know what I’m bringing to the table.

I’m struggling to know if this is just ‘life’ in a long term relationship, or something is wrong ?

We have built an amazing life together, a
beautiful home and a child together…. Do I give it up and try and start again with someone else? Or stick it out and try and make things better?

OP posts:
Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 07/02/2024 21:08

Do not have another child. It’s not fair bringing a baby into this. It would be incredibly selfish.

Lamelie · 07/02/2024 21:10

Definitely shelve ttc and work on the relationship. You said yourself he found the new born stage hard, why go through it again while things are rocky?
Sit down and work on a schedule. 6 months working on the relationship. Review, discuss and then either leave or marry and ttc.
Why aren’t you married, btw?
Do you work?

AntonFeckoff · 07/02/2024 21:13

FGS of course not

Dazedandfrazzled · 07/02/2024 21:16

Does he want to make it work? I'd suggest counselling, sounds like it could be worth saving if you were good before the child. I sympathise as I understand how a having a child can completely ruin a relationship

Original poster
Bella2255 · 07/02/2024 21:18

Yes I work full time and have a good/ well paid job, although not as successful as him (he earns double what I do). We are engaged but covid and pregnancy delayed it…. Yes I have thought about giving it 6 months and review things then.

I don’t think we should have a baby “right now”, but in my mind it could take us a year to conceive (it did the first time) and then 9 months pregnancy. It’s hard when you have to think about your age as a factor. I want to try and reach a decision on our relationship sooner rather than later so I’m not wasting time, but that is just adding pressure 😞x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bella2255 · 07/02/2024 21:24

Dazedandfrazzled · 07/02/2024 21:16

Does he want to make it work? I'd suggest counselling, sounds like it could be worth saving if you were good before the child. I sympathise as I understand how a having a child can completely ruin a relationship

He is on the fence... as am I. But this doesn't help with me not feeling like a priority. I want him to fight so show me he cares, but I guess I can't blame him, as I'm not fighting either.

He thinks he might be happier just working and going to the gym and having quality time with his child if we were to separate.

I am doing counselling myself, but agree couples counselling could help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bella2255 · 07/02/2024 21:24

Lamelie · 07/02/2024 21:10

Definitely shelve ttc and work on the relationship. You said yourself he found the new born stage hard, why go through it again while things are rocky?
Sit down and work on a schedule. 6 months working on the relationship. Review, discuss and then either leave or marry and ttc.
Why aren’t you married, btw?
Do you work?

Yes I work full time and have a good/ well paid job, although not as successful as him (he earns double what I do). We are engaged but covid and pregnancy delayed it…. Yes I have thought about giving it 6 months and review things then.

I don’t think we should have a baby “right now”, but in my mind it could take us a year to conceive (it did the first time) and then 9 months pregnancy. It’s hard when you have to think about your age as a factor. I want to try and reach a decision on our relationship sooner rather than later so I’m not wasting time, but that is just adding pressure 😞x

OP posts:
Watercolourpapier · 07/02/2024 21:29

You've built an amazing life together... Except you haven't, have you? You're both miserable and you're wondering whether to inflict this on another innocent child knowing you will more than probably break up their home.

Deliberately having a child in a crap relationship knowing you already have a foot out of the door.

Lamelie · 07/02/2024 21:35

Re ttc and age. I’m very much an outlier in my cohort having dc in my 20’s /30’s. More of my friends had dc born in their 40’s than 20’s!
And re starting again with someone new, it only takes a minute on here to see that coparenting with an ex is hard, blended families are hard.
You said yourself you were a golden couple before dc. Have recreating that as a goal. Review after six months including discussing the strain on the relationship having your first child was and how you’ll both recognise it if it happens again- which it will, it does to everyone.
Have you brought this up with your counsellor?

fixies · 07/02/2024 21:44

You have a two year old. That's still a lot of work and puts a lot of pressure on the relationship.id give it another 6 months/a year.

But if you do so you will both need to try and fight. If you have well paid jobs can you pay for a sitter to look after the child and let you go out or have some adult time? What was it you did pre baby? What worked then that doesn't now?

My dad was the golden boy at work but pretty much absent to my mum and us. He'd bend over backwards for work. If you met his colleagues you'd think they were talking about another man! At home he was withdrawn and exhausted because he had no energy left. So I know growing up in a house like that can be miserable. So don't best yourself up if you split

Last point - could he be depressed? The way you talk about him doesn't sound very mentally healthy. He knows he's changed and hasn't dealt with fatherhood well.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2024 21:47

Do you really think your relationship will last?

Why would you bring another child into it?

Avastmehearties · 08/02/2024 08:36

With respect, your life doesn't sound that amazing with a shut off partner. Do you just mean affluent? I think it needs a lot of work.

However, I am going to go against the grain and suggest at your age (mine too) TTC and having relationship counselling concurrently if you really want another child. Get the toddler and baby years out of the way close together with professional support- therapy, childcare, cleaning etc.

Give it 6 months of counselling but don't hold off forever as that will draw out the part you've found hardest as a couple.

If things are still not working then split. Plenty of people meet partners later. Ok, it'll be hard but you have the resources to make it easier. If another child is a priority you don't want to be dating with a kid at 36 if you can help it. You may be lucky but I would be inclined to try and make the best of your current situation and then see. Just have no illusions that another baby will fix anything.

Does your partner accept his flaws or think his income and golden boy rep exempt him?

Summerhillsquare · 08/02/2024 08:54

I'll go against the grain and say, yes, if you can manage your expectations down (FWIW I dont think the fairytale exists but I am old and divorvced - and quite content too), have another. You're already tied to him for 20 years anyway, even if you seperate a child is a long term tie. If your desire is this stong now, even in current circs, you may not choose a better partner next time for the next baby. Not judging, the drive to reproduce is strong, and natural.

BUT, at any point he becomes nasty, agressive or otherwise abusive, be prepared to move on.

Foxblue · 08/02/2024 09:05

As much as you want a baby, you need to remember that a child wants and needs a present, loving father, not one who struggles with patience, temper, selfishness etc.
You didnt know this before you had the baby, but dont you think it would be morally wrong of you to actively, knowingly burden a second child with a father like this. It sounds like he's openly telling you he'd basically be a few hours a week dad if you split?? You might never have to speak to this man again once your kids are grown up, they will have to put up with him their whole lives.

MrsElsa · 08/02/2024 09:13

How much cooking/cleaning/childcare does he do?

Or does he think men earn money and women stay home and do unpaid work?

It's nice to have siblings, so you can accept he sees you as less than equal and play along for a few years. Then reassess if you want to leave and would he pay decent child support or try to hide income (self employed for e.g.).

Beautyofthedark · 08/02/2024 09:59

Bella2255 · 07/02/2024 21:18

Yes I work full time and have a good/ well paid job, although not as successful as him (he earns double what I do). We are engaged but covid and pregnancy delayed it…. Yes I have thought about giving it 6 months and review things then.

I don’t think we should have a baby “right now”, but in my mind it could take us a year to conceive (it did the first time) and then 9 months pregnancy. It’s hard when you have to think about your age as a factor. I want to try and reach a decision on our relationship sooner rather than later so I’m not wasting time, but that is just adding pressure 😞x

Just to make you aware that just because it took you a year the first time, doesn't necessarily mean it will take that long the second... It took us a year to conceive DC1, second was about 20 minutes!

MMmomDD · 08/02/2024 10:00

It is a tough choice OP.
In some ideal world - you leave and find someone who will see his world in you. Who doesn’t put himself first, etc.

But at the same time - reality and biology are not on your side. Especially as you want more children, and are 36.

Generally - I find that many men find it hard adjusting to life after they have kids. They find it hard and often resist adapting to change to lifestyle that women do without questioning. Maybe it is a generalisation - but over the years it seems to be what I have seen in most of the couples around me.

And the other factor os of course timing. Single women of 36 (who want to have kids) find it hard to date as men are only too aware that women in that age group are looking to settle down/have kids on a short timeline. And you will already have a bit of a disadvantage. Not saying that to be nasty, but just summarising the facts.

And - if you started dating now - your goal would be to find someone who’ll want to have kids promptly. You won’t have luxury of time to also make sure he is that One that is right you on all dimensions for the long run.

I actually think dating in mid 30s with a view of needing to have more kids is far harder than dating in your 40s (with a few kids) - looking for a right partner who makes you happy.

All of this is to say - I don’t think having it all is always possible. And you need to prioritise and time things. If you definitely want to have another child - your current relationship is your best bet.

Prioritise that for now. Work on the relationship - it may be that after your toddler becomes easier and more fun - your partner gets more into parenting. Outsource some of the more mundane parts of parenthood - and maybe you two will find that grown up relationships with kids can also be fun and not just drudgery.

Once you are done with having kids - see how your relationship is. You can always pull a plug at a later stage. And can take your time to date. And maybe meet someone else.

And if you don’t meet that perfect man - at least you’ll have your kids.

Kosenrufugirl · 08/02/2024 10:10

It sounds to me your husband might suffering from depression. Depression manifests differently in men. If you want another child I would definitely try to improve your current relationship. The chances of quickly finding another decent man ready to jump straight into relationship and babies are next to nothing in my opinion. Do you like reading?There are many good books on relationships on Amazon. My favourite is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. I wouldn't try for another baby right now. Yes you might get another child. However I sense it will be the last straw for your marriage. Life as a single mum is no bed of roses. I hope it helps.

Seaoftroubles · 08/02/2024 10:17

OP, although materially you have an amazing life, emotionally you have lost connection with your partner. Does your DP enjoy your child, does he show them any love or affection? If not and they are bottom of his list of priorities l would not have another child with him. I also think couples counselling might be worth considering, but be aware that if is always the impressive golden boy at work he may will present this side to the counsellor too.

C00k · 08/02/2024 11:49

It's hardly an amazing life together, two people who don't like each other is shit for your kid. Do not inflict your short tempered boyfriend on another kid. That would be so selfish, and cruel.

C00k · 08/02/2024 11:51

Kosenrufugirl · 08/02/2024 10:10

It sounds to me your husband might suffering from depression. Depression manifests differently in men. If you want another child I would definitely try to improve your current relationship. The chances of quickly finding another decent man ready to jump straight into relationship and babies are next to nothing in my opinion. Do you like reading?There are many good books on relationships on Amazon. My favourite is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. I wouldn't try for another baby right now. Yes you might get another child. However I sense it will be the last straw for your marriage. Life as a single mum is no bed of roses. I hope it helps.

OP doesn't have a husband. And if he's depressed, that's on him to sort, and not inflict his short temper on OP or the kid.

occhiazzurri · 08/02/2024 11:55

Lots of insightful advice has already been offered so the only point I’d like to reiterate is that dating in your mid-late 30s is next to impossible according to my single childless friends so it is worth trying to work on the relationship for the next year or two. If you are so unhappy that you need to leave you need to make peace with the fact you won’t have much time to date as a single parent and that you may be alone for awhile.

Original poster
Bella2255 · 08/02/2024 12:51

MMmomDD · 08/02/2024 10:00

It is a tough choice OP.
In some ideal world - you leave and find someone who will see his world in you. Who doesn’t put himself first, etc.

But at the same time - reality and biology are not on your side. Especially as you want more children, and are 36.

Generally - I find that many men find it hard adjusting to life after they have kids. They find it hard and often resist adapting to change to lifestyle that women do without questioning. Maybe it is a generalisation - but over the years it seems to be what I have seen in most of the couples around me.

And the other factor os of course timing. Single women of 36 (who want to have kids) find it hard to date as men are only too aware that women in that age group are looking to settle down/have kids on a short timeline. And you will already have a bit of a disadvantage. Not saying that to be nasty, but just summarising the facts.

And - if you started dating now - your goal would be to find someone who’ll want to have kids promptly. You won’t have luxury of time to also make sure he is that One that is right you on all dimensions for the long run.

I actually think dating in mid 30s with a view of needing to have more kids is far harder than dating in your 40s (with a few kids) - looking for a right partner who makes you happy.

All of this is to say - I don’t think having it all is always possible. And you need to prioritise and time things. If you definitely want to have another child - your current relationship is your best bet.

Prioritise that for now. Work on the relationship - it may be that after your toddler becomes easier and more fun - your partner gets more into parenting. Outsource some of the more mundane parts of parenthood - and maybe you two will find that grown up relationships with kids can also be fun and not just drudgery.

Once you are done with having kids - see how your relationship is. You can always pull a plug at a later stage. And can take your time to date. And maybe meet someone else.

And if you don’t meet that perfect man - at least you’ll have your kids.

Thank you so much your words and advise is really invaluable and I really appreciate your time to respond. So helpful to hear other perspectives on this xFlowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Bella2255 · 08/02/2024 12:58

Kosenrufugirl · 08/02/2024 10:10

It sounds to me your husband might suffering from depression. Depression manifests differently in men. If you want another child I would definitely try to improve your current relationship. The chances of quickly finding another decent man ready to jump straight into relationship and babies are next to nothing in my opinion. Do you like reading?There are many good books on relationships on Amazon. My favourite is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. I wouldn't try for another baby right now. Yes you might get another child. However I sense it will be the last straw for your marriage. Life as a single mum is no bed of roses. I hope it helps.

Yes he has suffered with depression / or mental breakdown a few years ago which lasted a few months. I have since always been very conscious of his mental state, and I think pressures at work, and also now at home have forced him back into a state where he's not his best self. He has said he's been suffering recently and feeling very anxious in bug social settings over Christmas. I am trying to be understanding and also factor this in as will be impacting the relationship also. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond your words really helped x

OP posts:
ohididntrealise · 08/02/2024 13:08

I agree with @MMmomDD

You want another child. Blended families are hard. Having another child with another man is going to be hard on your existing child whether this new man is a better or worse dad.

I'd say the best outcome is another child with your husband, a full sibling for your child. If it doesn't work out with two children it's much the same impact as not working out with one child.