36 do I stay and have another baby or leave?

[Bella2255]

I need help.

I’m 36 and been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 2 year old. Before having a child we were “solid” - the perfect couple (or thought we were), but since having a child it’s highlighted problems in our relationship.

I’m now driving myself crazy trying to decide what to do. I want more children, and worried at my age time is not on my side. Do I stay and have another child at some point…. Or try and find someone else? What if I don’t find anyone? My partner is not that bothered about having more children, said he would at some point, but while we’re having issues, it’s the last thing from his mind.

He found the transition into parenthood HARD. He has very little patience, has a short temper, and massively struggled giving up his time, freedom and routine. He said the newborn stage was hell on earth.

After having our child we went through the ‘room mate’ stage, which didn’t help our intimacy. We’ve never had a wild sex life (I don’t have a huge sex drive) however now it’s almost none existent. I do wonder if after the ‘honeymoon phase’ it ever felt particularly natural. My partner has a very stressful job and once he’s finished for the day and been to the gym, he has no energy left for much of anything! Now if we do it feels forced.

My partner on paper is the perfect man… tall, dark and handsome, he turns heads wherever he goes, he has a highly paid job, ambitious, funny, intelligent, generally a very impressive person. He’s the golden boy at work, and people love being around him.

However behind closed doors he can be emotionally closed off and very selfish. He struggles putting other people before him, and he comes first nearly always. He puts all his energy into his work and the gym. He doesn’t particularly like to socialise and doesnt really have any close friends (apart from school friends who he very rarely sees). He isolates himself a lot and that’s where he’s most comfortable.

I dont feel like a priority to my partner, as long as he has time for his job, and the gym, he’s happy. He said he thinks I need someone who can give me more time, effort and energy, of which he doesn’t have. He said he knows he has changed, he used to be more affectionate and thoughtful, and he doesn’t know why he’s changed. I want to be someone’s world, someone’s everything…. Is that a fairytale expectation? I do have very high standards myself, but that’s because I know what I’m bringing to the table.

I’m struggling to know if this is just ‘life’ in a long term relationship, or something is wrong ?

We have built an amazing life together, a
beautiful home and a child together…. Do I give it up and try and start again with someone else? Or stick it out and try and make things better?

Some of the advice on here is very bizarre and terrible.

Also, you seem to perhaps in denial or delusion, perhaps both about your relationship, your boyfriend, and your reality.

What you described is a terrible relationship, perhaps it was genuinely always this way..
Bringing one into this situation is terrible, bringing two or more would be worse.

Don't have another child with this man. He's already terrible father, terrible partner who is selfish, impatient, distant, short tempered, neglectful, etc... by the sound of it he regrets having a child and doesn't want another. He isn't involved much, and busies himself...probably even more than before would rather be away from home and from his family.

He's doesn't want to work on things, and isn't going to. He thinks it best and in the best interest of everyone if you both were to end things and go your seperate ways.

Remove your child and yourself from this terrible situation. Be responsible. It isn't wise nor responsible to bring another innocent human into this situation. Don't give a child any man for a father just because you're desperate.

Also, don't use him as an oblivious sperm donor to fulfill your desire. You know deep down he doesn't want anymore and isn't going to be there..Respect him. Respect this. Don't intentionally sabotage and continue a pregnancy.

Also, think of the child that's already here. They may not respond well to an added addition, and may never form a close bond.

If you don't know how to pick an adaquate relationship, situation, and partner... if you don't know how to be an adaquate partner, parent, person, who makes logical responsible choices...it is best for you not to have anymore children.
In all honesty, just be thankful and content for the child already in existence. Focus on this child and providing a better life and situation for them to thrive in.

Please don't blend families.

You're already struggling. . Don't add to the struggke.

You are not losing any more time that's the thing. I am married with teenagers but a few good friends divorced when the children were younger. They are all good attractive professional women. Only one mum met a a decent bloke even though they all have been dating for years. This mum's children are 15 and 20. Building a good relationship with young children is very difficult. Plus you will be competing with lots of single women without children and a ticking biological clock. I do appreciate miracles do happen. In your shoes I would put my mind squarely on trying to improve your current relationship. Yes your partner could be a better partner. Can you be a better partner too? His comments indicate he thinks you are dissatisfied with what he is providing. It's a common woman's mistake. If you start your day with gratitude for what you do have in your partner the 2nd child of your dreams could materialise quicker than you think. Men do have this in-built desire to please the woman in their lives. However like all of us they stop trying if they think trying it's pointless. I would completely let go of the 2nd child idea and focus on practicing gratitude. Incidentally this advice in various forms have been given by others on this thead too.

What a thoughtful realistic reply. I think this is great advice.

I'd just add that you might want to consider whether your priority is to have another baby or to save your relationship. Two young children is a strain on any couple and might be the nail in the coffin. If you stick with one, as he grows up parenting will become easier and you'll have more time to reconnect with your DP and rebuild your relationship.

Do not try for another child right now!

address the issues honestly and openly. Voice how you know things have been tough since your child came along but you would love to reconnect and be able to get back to the couple you were.

Go to couples counselling and hire yourself a babysitter once a month so you can have a night out together.

Agree with pp that what you describe isn't the perfect man or an amazing life, for you. I understand having children can change and stress a relationship, but can I ask if you really were a perfect (or at least happy, mutually supportive) couple beforehand? Your post suggests you may have just got on well due to more superficial things like physical attraction and material comfort, which made it easier to put up with selfishness and a lack of feeling truly close. I don't know anything about your life beyond what you wrote here but hopefully you have a long life left to live, do you really want to spend it with someone emotionally closed off and selfish? Do the issues feel like they've been brought on in reaction to the change (and therefore maybe fixable), or just highlighted by it?

Having another baby with a man who doesn't want one, is selfish and closed off would be madness. I suggest you focus your energies on working out whether you have a future together and the child you already have.

@Kosenrufugirl thank you very helpful advice x

Surely having another child should be a joint decision and there’s nothing in your posts that suggests that he wants another. So having another child is only all about what you want.

Having one child exposed your incompatibility, adding another in the mix just sounds like compounding the misery.

You are welcome. You might have been overlooking all the gifts your partner is already giving you. 5 Languages of Love is an excellent book on how people show their love and appreciation in different ways and how often there is a mismatch in perception. People stop trying once they feel their efforts are fruitless. Then they become difficult. It's all downhill from there unless someone makes a conscious effort. Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows and every relationship needs tending like a garden. Liove at first sight that lasts forever is the biggest destroyer of people's dreams.