36 do I stay and have another baby or leave?

[Bella2255]

I need help.

I’m 36 and been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 2 year old. Before having a child we were “solid” - the perfect couple (or thought we were), but since having a child it’s highlighted problems in our relationship.

I’m now driving myself crazy trying to decide what to do. I want more children, and worried at my age time is not on my side. Do I stay and have another child at some point…. Or try and find someone else? What if I don’t find anyone? My partner is not that bothered about having more children, said he would at some point, but while we’re having issues, it’s the last thing from his mind.

He found the transition into parenthood HARD. He has very little patience, has a short temper, and massively struggled giving up his time, freedom and routine. He said the newborn stage was hell on earth.

After having our child we went through the ‘room mate’ stage, which didn’t help our intimacy. We’ve never had a wild sex life (I don’t have a huge sex drive) however now it’s almost none existent. I do wonder if after the ‘honeymoon phase’ it ever felt particularly natural. My partner has a very stressful job and once he’s finished for the day and been to the gym, he has no energy left for much of anything! Now if we do it feels forced.

My partner on paper is the perfect man… tall, dark and handsome, he turns heads wherever he goes, he has a highly paid job, ambitious, funny, intelligent, generally a very impressive person. He’s the golden boy at work, and people love being around him.

However behind closed doors he can be emotionally closed off and very selfish. He struggles putting other people before him, and he comes first nearly always. He puts all his energy into his work and the gym. He doesn’t particularly like to socialise and doesnt really have any close friends (apart from school friends who he very rarely sees). He isolates himself a lot and that’s where he’s most comfortable.

I dont feel like a priority to my partner, as long as he has time for his job, and the gym, he’s happy. He said he thinks I need someone who can give me more time, effort and energy, of which he doesn’t have. He said he knows he has changed, he used to be more affectionate and thoughtful, and he doesn’t know why he’s changed. I want to be someone’s world, someone’s everything…. Is that a fairytale expectation? I do have very high standards myself, but that’s because I know what I’m bringing to the table.

I’m struggling to know if this is just ‘life’ in a long term relationship, or something is wrong ?

We have built an amazing life together, a
beautiful home and a child together…. Do I give it up and try and start again with someone else? Or stick it out and try and make things better?

I know this goes against all the great advice you have been given but I would say have your other child and leave later down the line if it's still bad. As another pp said, you're tied to him anyway.

A dear friend of mine has now lost the chance to have another child as she left after 1, knowing it wasn't right which is obviously the right thing to do but she so desperately wanted 2 children. She says she wishes she had stayed for a sibling and then left.

Agreed with the MH points, can you get him back to the GP to review his depression?

I was you a while ago.
Mid-30s, married, one kid, marriage wasn’t in a great place since having the child.

I knew I wanted to have another child, and I knew I wasn’t happy. So I chose to stay and have another child.

We did end up divorced when kids were older. But I’d not change anything.
Kids are well adjusted and happy teenagers - as much as that age allows 😳🤣…
Both ex and i have different partners by now.

Is he even a half decent father? Some terrible advice on this thread.

It's much easier to have two children with one dad rather than kids with different dads (plus half siblings, step siblings, step parents etc) If he isn't a great dad, as least the two children will have each other during visits.

Forget meeting someone and having a second baby. Work on this relationship. If you end up with 1 child, it's not a bad deal.

The advice is insane here, when women post about their bad relationship she gets berrated for: you knew he was x,y and z AND U STILL WENT BACK AND HAD A SECOND CHILD?!
And now some irresponsible sexist women are dismissing ops husbands feelings and MH by pushing the idea of having a second kid anyway. It's disgraceful. Op you sound like a stubborn spoilt kid who is determined to have their perfect little family at any cost. Boo hoo it might not happen, treasure and save what you do actually have.

From what you have said it sounds like the whole family thing is too much for your partner. He quite likes the idea of just seeing his child for the odd hour or two after gym etc. and maybe looks back fondly at child free days. I wonder what sort of relationship he has with his own parents/family? I'm wondering if counselling would help him deal with some issues? It's possibly not the best environment to bring another child into at the moment at any rate.

Not for the children?

Why do women bring more children into relationships that are at best, not working and at worst, abusive?

'He said he thinks I need someone who can give me more time, effort and energy, of which he doesn’t have.'

He's suggesting you need someone else rather than him. It doesn't sound like he wants to put effort into improving things.

@Buttbra

"The advice is insane here, when women post about their bad relationship she gets berrated for: you knew he was x,y and z AND U STILL WENT BACK AND HAD A SECOND CHILD?! And now some irresponsible sexist women are dismissing ops husbands feelings"

Yep, agree with all of that. If it was a man asking if he should use his wife as a convenient womb, or ditch her and find a fresh one, all hell would break lose.

It's not normal to be in a relationship This bad.

I am similar age and mourning only having one baby but not wanting to rush to have one with a new guy, so I might have considered having another in your situation so they could be full siblings, rather than having half siblings and be unequal in terms of how much 'dad' they had. Can you afford a maternity nurse for the first 2 months at least of newborn ? Or would a kind parent come to stay and help? You are fore warned so you can prepare yourself.

I would also ensure you're married first (unless you have assets to lose) to financially protect yourself

To answer your question about fairytale expectations, yes, I think it's unrealistic to want to be someone's world or their everything. Real life isn't like that. Love in a long term relationship has ups and downs and is complex. Sometimes you have to work to improve things. You have to invest and compromise. Obviously that needs to be mutual. You seem to believe he should be worshipping you because you bring so much to the table. That's not sustainable. Shit gets real in the end. Sorry if that sounds patronising but that does sound like quite a child-like part of you talking.

Exactly. Some shocking advice here. And now a poster is telling her to ensure she’s married first so she has financial security! Unbelievably selfish.

I think this may sound harsh but you really have a duty to put the child you already have first.

It sounds as though difficulties in your relationship are not irreparable - there is hope. Where there is a possibility of salvaging a functional and loving cohabiting relationship with the father of your child, this will always be what is best for your child. So much more important than whether they have a sibling.

It seems like prioritising the arrival of another child (either by introducing a child into an already strained relationship, or by separating so that you can start over) is likely to blow up the family you have, right now.

My advice would be to work hard on your current relationship and only when you are in either a better place, or it is obvious that your relationship can't work out under any circumstances, you work on your next steps.

Incidentally, I think this has the higher likelihood of granting you the second child that you want in any case. I don't really see how it is likely you will have enough time to meet, get to know and commit to someone enough to have another child, unless you literally have someone in mind(!). If you try to rush ahead with this you risk 2 broken relationships and 2 co-parenting situations and a whole lot of hurt.

Sorry you find yourself in this position of life not quite having worked out as you hoped (though there is still a chance for your relationship!), but please be unselfish and think about what is best for your child even if that means letting go of their potential sibling for now.

It’s unclear whether your DP will be an adequate (or better) parent to your existing DC. Sounds like there is risk he won’t be. He doesn’t want more DC and doesn’t want to spend much time or energy on you and his existing DC. It’d be unwise to ttc DC2 with him!

I think he is telling you quite clearly that he doesn't consider you worth fighting for. He says you need someone who will give you the time and effort etc...that means he knows he isn't doing that, and he doesn't want to.

Did he go to boarding school? He sounds like he has some deep-seated emotional problems and struggles to form and maintain relationships. It also sounds like he is happy to stay that way even if it means losing his family.

Thinking about this further...

If you separate, I would put money on him going on to have a child with someone else, whilst you don't. I think you need to think long and hard about how that will feel.

Because in the scenario of your separation, particularly as you are unmarried, he will be more privileged than you in almost every way. The likelihood is you will do the majority of care for your toddler whilst he will continue his career, remain well paid, remain attractive and fertile etc. And he will barely even need to share assets with you.

If you want another child your best bet is to work on your relationship with him first. Having a two year old is extremely tough on any relationship. You need to discuss your new normal and how you are going to make changes to meet everyone's needs as best as possible. Hopefully he is also motivated by a desire to not detonate the family set up you have.

Yes he is a very good dad. Has wanted to be involved since the beginning and is very hands on!

Thank you I appreciate the honesty! And it did not sound atall patronising x

No definitely not boarding school. Quite the opposite. He had an almost non existent relationship with his dad which almost certainly impacted his emotional stability as an adult

Do you think it could be some sort of odd male mentality of now just seeing you as a "mother" rather than as a woman in her own right with interests and passion outside of that?

I've heard (friends of friends) of men who seemly in a sexist selfish manner, simply cannot cope with not being their wife/partner's number one focus, and cannot reconcile the "girlfriend/honeymoon" woman and the "gave birth/breastfed/busy with the baby" woman.

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes and no to the affluent comment, when we met we had very little, we’ve both worked hard and over time we have supported each other and built a life we’re proud of.

My partner is accepting of his flaws and is trying, but it doesn’t come naturally to him. Especially when he’s so consumed with work.

I definitely don’t think another baby would fix anything, it certainly would put more strain on the relationship and we’re not in a position right now to start trying. I would wait until things are better, but if things don’t get better I’m losing even more time, is my concern x

He is willfully neglecting you and your family!

He prioritises himself when he should be prioritising fatherhood and the mother of his child.

Neglect is abuse, OP.