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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why don't I want to let go of him? Is it selfish to hold on to him?

74 replies

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 15:54

Hi,

I have been seeing someone on and off for a number of years. We are now in our 30s. Our first couple of years he didn't want to settle down and I've done a lot of waiting around. He's been going to therapy to try help (as have I) but I honestly don't see much change in him. He's less avoidant but he's still the same man overall. Therapy has shown he has low self confidence after his past behaviour towards me. I often find myself having to explain relationship basics to him and then I feel like I'm nagging him.

We've had a rough few weeks and we're now trying to figure out if we can have a future. I know Mumsnet usually advises just leaving but I'm trying to figure out why I don't want to. I care for him very deeply, I love when things are good between us and I'd love if we could have a future together. I also care for his family and friends.

He's now asking me what should we do next and he wants to know where my head is at. I'm taking some time before replying and moving very carefully through this.
I'm not sure if it's selfish to not give up on his. Should I just realise our history is too much and let him go. I think we're pretty worn down by it all now but part of me is still hopeful for a bright future.

OP posts:
Sunflower8848 · 10/02/2024 12:48

You sound desperate. And he sounds like he is not committed to the relationship, wondering if he HAS to settle for you. I think it’s doomed tbh. I can see the future - divorce when the baby is less than a year old for sure.

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 12:48

me find a bunch of DM's with women he worked with. He didn't cheat (I read all the messages but he would have if they wanted to)

So the only reason he's not cheated on you too is that none of the women he was chatting (it sounds like inappropriately) gave him the chance.

So he treats people like shit and is a cheater/potential cheater.

And massive commitment phobe.

Catladyireland · 10/02/2024 12:48

He said me saying no originally caused his low confidence in us. That's fine but then why spend the past six months acting like my boyfriend and watching me try.

OP posts:
Jennyjojo5 · 10/02/2024 12:52

Catladyireland · 10/02/2024 12:48

He said me saying no originally caused his low confidence in us. That's fine but then why spend the past six months acting like my boyfriend and watching me try.

The thing is, you don’t need to spend all the time psycho analysing him… his actions/inaction show everything

this whole ‘scared’ business is absolute nonsense. It’s an excuse and I guarantee you that if he met someone else he wanted to actually be with, 100% he would suddenly lose this ‘scared’ nonsense

likewise, you can meet someone who isn’t ’scared’ of committing and capable of being a decent normal human being towards you, at which point you’ll realise what a waste the past few years with this wet blanket has been

and I say this from this experience

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 12:54

Then he went to therapy when I walked away, 'sorted himself out', bought a house etc and came back trying again saying he was ready for everything. I said no but over time we've gotten into a nice place.

Is the above the "no" you are referring to?

He said me saying no originally caused his low confidence in us

So he's an entitled dick as well .... He's lucky you were remotely civil to him after the dumping (which doesn't sound like the only one) and the attempted cheating ...... But he thought you should be willing to get straight back into a relationship with him??

Many ppl would have not responded or entertained him at all.

Now he's blaming your entirely natural and sensible (and in my view far too civil and kind response) for him not being able to commit ongoing.

Like seriously.
The correct response would have been "fuck off you cruel, cheating wanker". But turning Mr Entitled Naval Gazer down (and not even permanently since you did get back involved apparently) is an offence that cannot be gotten past.

Maybe he should focus on his own offences, not your non offences (since your reluctance was entirely understandable and reasonable)

He is massively immature and unreasonable and my head is twisted just trying to keep track of his irrational, twisted "rationale".

Maybe it's just excuses.

He still doesn't want to commit to you ...but is blaming you - because he apparently can't take responsibility for anything, ever.

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 13:06

Let me tell you, if a guy wanted to commit to you/wanted you ... he'd be more than willing to dismiss you not being willing to get straight back together initially (at all, let alone after he ended the relationship in poor circumstances and he was caught schmoozing other women.).

He's now wasted more of your time and messed you about more ... But he's too conwardky and shit a person to take responsibility for it ... So instead he's blaming your past behaviour "oh it's because you wouldn't get straight back together with me, after I treated you like shite and tried to cheat on you".

I don't know if this guy is a massive commitment phobe and messer, or if it's a very big case of "He's just not that into you" ...... but he seems to be consistently ending things with you, not committing to you, hrs tried to get with other women while you were still together etc.

All while indulging in woe is me psychobabble nonsense. The only thing counselling seems to have taught him is this psychobabble nonsense.

The bottom line here seems to be "I treated you like shit (and tried to cheat on you/set up another woman) but because you didn't jump at the chance to get back in a relationship with me after that, I can't invest in a relationship with you now" .... So people are not allowed to respond naturally (minimally in fact, as I said, many another person would have replied with "fuck you" and a certain Taylor swift song lyric) to him treating them like shit ..... Are not allowed to deny him, or he'll hold it against them and not have 'confidence" in them ongoing?

He is one spoilt, immature, selfish, unreasonable twat.

I still don't think that's why he won't commit though. He just doesn't want to. But he enjoys blaming you rather than saying that. Makes him feel less bad. Helps his self image.

I would not recommend hitching your wagon to this guy, let alone having kids with him.

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 13:18

*He is one spoilt, immature, selfish, unreasonable twat.

I missed out "crazy" there.

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 13:21

Catladyireland · 09/02/2024 23:26

Should I share my feelings of being messed around next time he gets in touch or just stay quiet? He doesn't seem to agree that I was messed around.

Could you really be bothered dealing with the head wrecking nonsensical Darvo shit he's going to melt your head with in response.

LifeExperience · 10/02/2024 14:04

You need trauma counseling to find out why you're willing to put up with his never ending bullshit.

Relationships that are this hard will not last.

Catladyireland · 10/02/2024 15:30

I think it's pretty clear that my self esteem is very low from our history and counselling will hopefully help that in time. I'm not someone with a lot of friends or family so I threw myself into him.

It's as if these past few days, all the tears of the last few years with him are finally coming out and I'm also acknowledging my part in it.....I let him treat me this way.

It's like I almost try to guilt him into staying. I put up a fight like 'this is unfair, how dare you' but that's not fair on him either. I have literally no say in this relationship and it's really pretty difficult realising how little he wants me.

OP posts:
User1789 · 10/02/2024 19:50

Aww sweetie. I ended up in my similar-sounding relationship when I was much younger, and really very lonely. I thought he could complete me and make me happy.

You did as best as you could with the tools available to you, including realising this relationship is not good for you. Well done. Have some self-compassion.

But this part of your post: 'I have literally no say in this relationship', is what you need to focus on, as painful as it is. That is not a healthy relationship and it is not the one you want, really.

Others are correct. Block him, delete his number etc. Focus on the friendship and support network building over the coming months while you consider what you might want in a future relationship.

Catladyireland · 10/02/2024 20:56

I am not one to block but I built up a lot of courage tonight (probably thanks to Mumsnet hand holding) and sent him a message saying 'I understand your fears and have spent many years trying to help with that. I'm sorry you have low self confidence but so does the woman who has been mistreated. Please don't waste anymore of my time as I now want to put my energy into people who are confident they want to be in my life. Hope you're doing ok'

He then asked if he can have some time to adsorb what I've said but I don't need him to absorb it, I sent it for me, not him.

Thanks all x

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 10/02/2024 21:03

WELL DONE! Life gets better from today. I hope you find someone lovely who wants to put as much into a relationship as you do.

WandaWonder · 10/02/2024 21:09

You can't hold on to him like he is an object, just stop it and move on

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 10/02/2024 22:05

Well done OP 💐

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 22:26

He then asked if he can have some time to adsorb what I've said

Translation - give me a bit of time to formulate some BS that keeps you on a string so I have you as an option/backup .... and work out how to make my lack of commitment your fault (not that I just don't want to.commit to you,bor at all).

Fourfurrymonsters · 10/02/2024 22:34

As a pp said, it really shouldn’t be this hard. And bear in mind you’d be fucking up any children you had with this guy as he’d be in and out of their lives like a demented yo-yo.
Leave him be and find yourself a decent man who doesn’t take this kind of effort.

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 22:41

Op I hope you know you did absolutely nothing wrong back when he turned up asking to get back together ...... He had repeatedly (it sounds like) ended the relationship, he'd done it - at least once - at a really bad time and in a shit way, he'd not shown commitment, and he'd broken your trust by messaging other women inappropriately (and it sounds like the only reason he wasn't cheating was lack of solid opportunity).

Your response to him turning up a while later saying he'd sorted himself out and could you now get back together was 100% normal/natural/reasonable/sensible.

No-one sane would have said "oh absolutely". He was lucky if anyone he'd acted that way towards was willing to have any contact with him at all.

So it is absolutely ridiculous/unreasonable of him to hold onto that and claim he hasn't got confidence in the future of the relationship because of it. He was lucky you entertained him at all. You have gotten back involved to some extent, and - surprise surprise - it's not you who's saying they're not sure about the relationship and can't commit, it's still him (!)

That vindicates your reluctance to get back with him straight away back then.

I think he's either a general commitment phobe/flake, or he's just not that into you. However he likes you as fall back girl, 'ol reliable and is perhaps scared of not having that option .... He's probably currently formulating his next strategy for keeping you in that position now that it looks like he can't play the "I would commit to you if you hadn't refused to get back together with me at first, I can't have confidence in the relationship due to that!" line for much longer.

(If it's true, he's being totally unreasonable. But it sounds like a line/excuse, even if it's a line he's convinced himself of).

I've not read Mr unavailable and the fall back girl but I'm wondering if it would be applicable to this situation.

I once had a poster describe my ex in a thread as "a piece of work" ... She was correct, and I think the term also applies to this guy. He is a piece of work.

Anyway, if he can't commit/doesn't want to.commit by now, it's clear he's had plenty of time and plenty of chances. He's still conveniently blaming you; for daring to not instantly jump straight back into a relationship with a guy who'd repeatedly dumped her and tried to cheat on her; he's an empathy free zone and seems to have huge trouble taking responsibility for his behaviour and realising that his behaviour has consequences.

(I wonder what his response would have been if the situation was reversed and you'd been the one repeatedly dumping him, messaging numerous other men in an inappropriate way, looking like you'd have cheated on him if the opportunity arose etc.... Do you think Mr special snowflake would have been welcoming you back with open arms if you turned up saying you were all sorted now?

He apparently can't even get past things when you have done nothing equivalent to him, (your massive crime being not instantly getting back together with him when he suggested it, which no sane person would have done) do if like to see him if you'd behaved remotely like he had to you.

I think that puts the relationship in perspective).

bombastix · 10/02/2024 22:44

Therapy to hold you together at this stage of your lives is not good. Really consider what your life would look like without him. It could be a lot better, imo

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/02/2024 22:53

Block delete and move on. If you don't you'll keep being intertwined with him and not able to meet someone else that you could actually have a decent relationship with.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/02/2024 22:55

Ps I had a baby with a man who was also only great in 'glimpses' but I didn't realize at the time ... you have been warned in advance. It will only get worse with the stress of pregnancy and postpartum - look at my username

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 10/02/2024 22:58

If you don't have kids throw in the towel.

Catladyireland · 10/02/2024 23:49

Thank you everyone and yes to anyone mentioning children, I had a pregnancy scare six years ago and I saw a pretty immature side of him. Of course he then said he's changed his mind on that but I'm not sure I can see having kids.

Thank you so much @Ladolcevita233. What a lovely post to write and thank you for saying I did nothing wrong. I am struggling with my self belief with regards to that but your words help.

My biggest crime was saying no last summer and 'being hard to read' according to him.

I just have to now prepare myself for some ego boost response from him saying 'actually you're right, I'm better off moving on too, I've just met this wonderful lady blah blah'

OP posts:
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 11/02/2024 11:41

Prepare for the false promises he will make in the next few days after he panics

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