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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why don't I want to let go of him? Is it selfish to hold on to him?

74 replies

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 15:54

Hi,

I have been seeing someone on and off for a number of years. We are now in our 30s. Our first couple of years he didn't want to settle down and I've done a lot of waiting around. He's been going to therapy to try help (as have I) but I honestly don't see much change in him. He's less avoidant but he's still the same man overall. Therapy has shown he has low self confidence after his past behaviour towards me. I often find myself having to explain relationship basics to him and then I feel like I'm nagging him.

We've had a rough few weeks and we're now trying to figure out if we can have a future. I know Mumsnet usually advises just leaving but I'm trying to figure out why I don't want to. I care for him very deeply, I love when things are good between us and I'd love if we could have a future together. I also care for his family and friends.

He's now asking me what should we do next and he wants to know where my head is at. I'm taking some time before replying and moving very carefully through this.
I'm not sure if it's selfish to not give up on his. Should I just realise our history is too much and let him go. I think we're pretty worn down by it all now but part of me is still hopeful for a bright future.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 16:07

part of me is still hopeful for a bright future

Hope is fine. Do you think it's likely? What would need to change in order for your future to be happy?

Opentooffers · 07/02/2024 16:13

Depends if hoping for DC's in the future as time is ticking on for you now in your 30's. Not enough info to go off, do you live together? When were things last good between you? Did avoidance and bad behaviour include any infidelity? All important to know before advising.

aitchteeaitch · 07/02/2024 16:19

Seems to me that this is a co-dependent relationship, which isn't particularly healthy for either of you.

Original poster

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 16:20

No infidelity, but he left me a number of times and got with people very quickly after. He used to be very hot and cold. I used to refer to him as scared. Any type of commitment talk and he was gone.

We did live together but we don't currently. Both own our own houses and he's now would like to have children (he didn't before), which is why I'm more hopeful of a future. Things have been good recently but he's been quite distant, which he's blaming on low self confidence that he can make a relationship work. I'm trying to figure out if I can help that or let him go.

OP posts:

User1789 · 07/02/2024 16:23

OP, I thank my lucky stars every day that the man I ended up in a two-year cat and mouse relationship, ended, when his avoidant behaviour took him over 1000 miles away.

This man would persue me until I relented, and then he would scarper while I chased him 'hoping' things would be different in the future once we got onto the same page. The entire dynamic of the relationship meant that was impossible though. I would get rid and find somebody more available to you.

Are you exploring in therapy why you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man?

Original poster

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 16:26

I am exploring this in therapy, yes @User1789. I'm sorry you went through this.

It sounds very teenage and immature but it's like a draw to him. I even dated someone else for almost a year and went back to this relationship once he started attending therapy.

OP posts:

User1789 · 07/02/2024 16:38

Honestly? I think that if you really had healed with therapy then you would no longer be attracted to the drama of this man.

To give you some idea of what I mean, when I met my husband, I convinced myself that we 'never had a honeymoon period', and believed this until embarassingly recently. What actually happened was that we did all the normal exploratory sexual stuff as we deepened our intimacy together, but because I didn't have a permanent knot in the pit of my stomach, wondering if I was ever going to see him again, I confused this for a lack of 'passion' and 'chemistry'. Really I was just in a secure relationship where I didn't feel like I was hanging on by my fingernails to a man who was going to leave the second we became to close.

I also think you need to explore why you think you need to be the woman he fixes himself for. He may well get somewhere with therapy, but you are being unfair to yourself, wand maybe even him, waiting around for hime when you could probably both be happier in less complex relationships with less of a toxic history.

Reflect on your comment about immature and teenage. Carrie's Mr Big was such an arsehole it was brought up at the funeral. Remember that.

Daffodilsandsunshine · 07/02/2024 16:55

You're hoping that he'll "settle" for you eventually so you can have future DC with him? You're gambling your life and any future DCs happiness on someone who isn't able to be consistent in their love, loves the chase and to feel needed, but dislikes the idea of only you. Is that really what you want for your future - a flakey DH and flakey father for DC. You can't "fix" him with your love. A life partner surely needs to be someone who meets you on an equal footing and is on the same path as you. Not kissing you with one eye open so he can check out if there's someone better out there.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/02/2024 16:59

Do you want kids?

What are you pursuing with this guy? Were things amazing at one point and you're just trying to get back there? How long ago was that and how long was that period compared to the shitshow it's been ever since?

I agree that if therapy were working, you'd have ended this and either found or be ready to find someone who's prepared to be all in.

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/02/2024 17:04

What would a plausible bright future look like?

Original poster

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 17:12

A plausible bright future would look like the good times we've had, with less anxiety on both our parts and me feeling more healed.

When he told me he had very low confidence due to our past, my initial reaction was guilt and a worry I had caused that.

OP posts:

Inaspot21 · 07/02/2024 17:13

As much as you love him and have invested so much of yourself over time, you have to seriously consider the fact he hasn’t proved himself to be a stable and reliable partner and could be a similarly unstable and unreliable father.

A baby is the biggest commitment to another person anyone can make - and by another person I actually mean any potential baby as he’d always be a father to them regardless of what happens with your relationship.

And I can’t think many other situations where you’d be at your most vulnerable and need max support both practically and emotionally - realistically is he up for that?

User1789 · 07/02/2024 17:18

A plausible bright future would look like the good times we've had, with less anxiety on both our parts and me feeling more healed.

For me, the obvious question is why you don't think you could have all this, or want all this, with somebody else?

Original poster

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 17:21

I could have it elsewhere and have had no drama/kind relationships but I'm very drawn to him. The glimpses of when it's great I suppose and maybe a responsibility to him as I can see he is trying with therapy.

OP posts:

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/02/2024 17:22

A plausible bright future would look like the good times we've had, with less anxiety on both our parts and me feeling more healed.

I'm just asking this because obviously I don't know, but do you really consider this plausible and enough for the future? It sounds quite nebulous and fragile to me - no ambition to buy a house, have children, get married. Just a very timid wish to be less anxious. Is that really the brightest future you can imagine with him?

User1789 · 07/02/2024 17:23

What is the 'draw'? Is it sexual? Does he make you feel a certain way the others don't?

Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 17:30

Which of your parents gave you a similar experience of being sometimes available and sometimes not, due to issues of their own that meant you could forgive them for it?

MedievalNun · 07/02/2024 17:39

Oh @Catladyireland I feel for you. Years ago in my 20s I had a relationship which sounds very similar. In the end we split because we wanted different things - I wanted marriage and children and he was very, very, clear that he wanted neither. It bloody hurt to walk away but in the end it was for the best.

Without wanting to be a Cassandra, I really don't see a future for you with this man. He makes you feel guilty over your past - why? If he has been avoidant then surely some of the guilt should be his? Hanging on to the good bits is all well and good, but what happens as they get fewer and further between, and your biological clock has stopped ticking?

I think you need to take a proper look at your relationship; but by coming i n here to ask, I also think you know what the answer is likely to be. At least you are living apart, so there is less to untangle. If you really can't face a total break, take some time apart to work out how you feel.

As another poster has said, the difference it makes when you're in a relationship where both want the same is just phenomenal (I started dating my hubs soon after leaving previous partner; without being too outing we're now almost into our 4th decade together).

Make a life where you're valued for being you while you're young enough.

Original poster

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 19:35

Part of the draw is me thinking if I walk away after he has done the work on himself, will he then be a wonderful partner to someone else and I've missed out.

Not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling. Hopefully some can.

OP posts:

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/02/2024 19:43

We've all heard of the sunk cost fallacy, yes.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/02/2024 19:46

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 19:35

Part of the draw is me thinking if I walk away after he has done the work on himself, will he then be a wonderful partner to someone else and I've missed out.

Not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling. Hopefully some can.

Part of the draw is me thinking if I walk away after he has done the work on himself, will he then be a wonderful partner to someone else and I've missed out.

It doesn't matter if he's a wonderful partner to someone else. He's not a wonderful partner to you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/02/2024 19:54

You leaving and then him becoming an excellent partner for someone else seems unrealistic. If he wanted to be an excellent partner for you he would be. And all of his efforts would be towards that goal.

User1789 · 07/02/2024 20:04

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 19:35

Part of the draw is me thinking if I walk away after he has done the work on himself, will he then be a wonderful partner to someone else and I've missed out.

Not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling. Hopefully some can.

You need to look into the sunk costs fallacy. It is also a feeling gamblers have, and why people carry on at those machines you drop the 10p coins into.

It is a common approach to relationships, but not a helpful one.

You are also being quite possessive. You want him for your own satisfaction that he 'picked you', but not for his happiness. That isn't a great basis for any relationship.

You need to look at why you are so terrified of him picking somebody else that you want him to pick you even when it isn't the best thing for him.

Edit: Plus, you walked away from a relationship to be with him. Why are you so sure he wouldn't persue you if you didn't hang around being 'available'? Why wouldn't you fucking off be the kick up the bum the man needs? It is like an admission his draw to you is less than yours to him, exemplifying the power imbalance you are creating here, with you on the losing end.

Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 20:12

Catladyireland · 07/02/2024 19:35

Part of the draw is me thinking if I walk away after he has done the work on himself, will he then be a wonderful partner to someone else and I've missed out.

Not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling. Hopefully some can.

So you're comparing a relationship you don't have with a man who might not exist, to a relationship that that potential man might have with a potential new partner, and, on the basis that that relationship might be good, you're considering going back to an abuser?

MadKittenWoman · 07/02/2024 20:17

It really shouldn't be this hard...

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