Why don't I want to let go of him? Is it selfish to hold on to him?

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I have been seeing someone on and off for a number of years. We are now in our 30s. Our first couple of years he didn't want to settle down and I've done a lot of waiting around. He's been going to therapy to try help (as have I) but I honestly don't see much change in him. He's less avoidant but he's still the same man overall. Therapy has shown he has low self confidence after his past behaviour towards me. I often find myself having to explain relationship basics to him and then I feel like I'm nagging him.

We've had a rough few weeks and we're now trying to figure out if we can have a future. I know Mumsnet usually advises just leaving but I'm trying to figure out why I don't want to. I care for him very deeply, I love when things are good between us and I'd love if we could have a future together. I also care for his family and friends.

He's now asking me what should we do next and he wants to know where my head is at. I'm taking some time before replying and moving very carefully through this.
I'm not sure if it's selfish to not give up on his. Should I just realise our history is too much and let him go. I think we're pretty worn down by it all now but part of me is still hopeful for a bright future.

Another question OP: Why didn't you stay in the year-long relationship you were already in for longer, and wait until it became clearer, whether or not this ex of yours was going to become the perfect partner once he had 'done the work', before ditching the other person?

Is one of the sunk costs you don't want to admit could be wasted, the other relationship you ended for this man?

Thanks to all the nice people who have messaged so far.

We spoke last night and he said that he has known for a long time that he was 'too scared' to stay in the relationship. He has been so stressed trying to work through our past and he doesn't think he has the skills to be together.

I'm obviously upset but I do appreciate his honesty. I told him so and left it at that. Part of me is still upset/annoyed that he has spent months 'future faking' with me when he felt it couldn't work. I've had years of him being 'scared' and I don't really understand why.

This is going to sound very cruel, but it's not my intention, I only mean to be honest from my own experience. Men who are too scared or whatever to be with you don't really want to be with you. When they do want to be with you, they aren't too scared/fragile/upset, they aren't too afraid of their immense feelings to be with you etc. They make it happen.

Thanks @StephanieSuperpowers. I probably need some tough love. He obviously just wanted to keep me there the past few months but didn't want to be honest. He watched me spend the past few months trying to forgive.

I have felt like such a nag trying to get him to communicate these months.

Like most people, I've been there, I just want you to know it's not you, it's him and the sooner you accept it's nothing you have done or can do, the better.

I’m afraid I agree with @StephanieSuperpowers

I suspect that his “ being scared “ was a way of getting you to do what he wanted and avoid him having to do anything he didn’t want to do.

Like the men who are controlling and won’t let their partners go out yet say its because

“ they were cheated on by an ex”
” they love them so much they can’t bare that another man might look at her “
or their “anxiety means they can’t relax when she is out so she needs to text every hour and be home by 11” or
“ their mates say it’s disrespectful to go out without him” or
“ is his culture married women don’t go to pubs “

etc etc

It’s not about love / fear / issues from the past, it’s about control.

@Catladyireland why don’t you look back at all the times he was “scared “ to do / not do something and consider who lost out because of his fear - you or him.

He is a vortex keeping you stuck. It’s like spiralling around in what you already know feels comfortable and less scary than the unknown future you probably know you need to step into. I know it’s hard though. Trauma bonds

A person who makes you feel as though what you want and need is 'too much', is not the person for you I am afraid.

As many on here have said, this is a lesson often learned from bitter experience. I am sorry.

He will casually date others and maybe eventually be able to commit if someone is looking for something more relaxed. You're looking for the big steps: marriage, kids etc and he can't do that.

He has low confidence because he treated you badly so he wants to be avoidant. Let him be avoidant. Let him be alone and see how that feels. Be hard to get, not hard to get rid of

Yeah I do agree if he was so scared then why talk about a future. Maybe he wanted to pretend to himself he could.

I'm not sure why he even bothers to ask how my head is about it or what I want as I seem to have no control over us.

He probably wants to make himself look better or get the ego hit of you telling him you want to keep trying

A committed relationship should never be such hard work.

Yeah I agree @Newphonnearlythere deep down. It's like I feel an injustice, but that's for me to get over.

You love him more than he loves you - that's why he won't commit. An imbalanced relationship won't last long term.

Should I share my feelings of being messed around next time he gets in touch or just stay quiet? He doesn't seem to agree that I was messed around.

Depends on how much you enjoy listening to passive aggressive whining, I suspect.

You can tell him what you like but I'm not sure spilling your guts is actually going to make you feel better. After I tell my ex what a shit he was and he apologises I just feel a bit like "well, that was useless". Him feeling bad isn't going to change what happened or give you any more of your life back.

You have wasted so much time on this guy and he doesn't care, he's happy to continue to waste it. What would happen if you stayed together is he'd carry on until he found someone else, then leave you with very little time to find someone new to settle down with and have kids.

Read "Block, delete and move on" and do that.

It shouldn't be this much like hard work.

I thought it was over, so why would he get in touch ? Or more to the point, why would you reply to him ?

How are you going to get over him and move on in your life if you keep talking to him? Just block him, you don’t own him anything.

When he told me he had very low confidence due to our past

What does he mean exactly
?

Sounds like he dumped you more than once and moved on quickly.

So why would he have low confidence due to the past? You weren't doing the dumping.

Does he mean he has low confidence in himself feeling the right way and wanting to commit to you/settle with you??

In which case he's still singing the same tune - which seems to be 'I can't commit to you, I don't feel the right way about you, I'm not sure about us".

You're wasting your time (and fertility), sorry.

He seems like the type of dude who could walk at any moment - engagement, even after a child.

I've had years of him being 'scared' and I don't really understand why.

He's either a general commitment phobe or he can't commit to you - because you're not "it" for him.

You can be "it" for someone else, and that person doesn't have to be inferior as such, to him.

Who could be dealing with this level of immature, self indulgent, flaky, wishy washy, navel gazing, special snow flake shit.

And yes, the future faking is cruel, intentional or not.

Would you really want to have kids with some with this character .... Kids are really really fkg hard work. Delicate naval gazers are not good parent material, when you are literally tested to the limits of your tolerance and forbearance and effort and unselfishness etc.

He has been so stressed trying to work through our past

FFS.

How have your eyes not got stuck rolling back in your head.

Again, unless I missed the part where you dumped him and fucked a football team of guys he knew and then got back with him and cheated on him etc etc. ..... what "past" is he talking about??

The one when he "left" you repeatedly....

Wouldn't you be the one who'd need to get over that and have trouble doing so?

He's taking BS.

It sounds like excuses.

He has low self confidence after treating me badly, dumping me by phone when I was looking after a very sick family member in hospital and me find a bunch of DM's with women he worked with. He didn't cheat (I read all the messages but he would have if they wanted to). Others bits happened which I think trauma bonded me to him, which I won't explain here but events he beats himself up about.

It's actually pathetic when I write it down.

Then he went to therapy when I walked away, 'sorted himself out', bought a house etc and came back trying again saying he was ready for everything. I said no but over time we've gotten into a nice place. It has taken a massive amount of work to trust him again. And when I was ready, he now says he's too scared.

He has low self confidence after treating me badly, dumping me by phone when I was looking after a very sick family

This is head melting stuff ...what??

He had low self confidence because he treats people badly?

So he makes them a victim, but then he's somehow also the victim.

"I feel so sad and bad about myself that I people like shit .... Boo hoo".