I think I picked the wrong man

[Earthsign]

The thoughts are getting louder. I’m fortunate to work mainly from home. Now I am a full time mum and the breadwinner. I work 38 hours and he works 16. I do all the cooking most of the cleaning and looking after our child. I feel like he has not got the drive or ambition to meet where I am and where I am going. I don’t feel like he’s a natural provider protector or anything I would want in a man. I understand getting a job can be hard but it has been nearly two years. The older we are getting I’m starting to think he’s a liability and unemployable (not that he’s even applied to many jobs). Its becoming obvious what type of man he is. And I am not trying to stay down and lazy with him

im starting to become disgusted with him considering his hygiene is poor. I’m saving for a house he's more than happy to make plans about us moving out and us being successful. But I’m the only one that is elevating he’s not doing anything to become successful in a career or life. We had sex recently and I just cried in regret. I couldn’t even hold back the tears.

ive been told it would get better but living together paying the bills and doing the traditional male and female roles alone is killing me. I’m loosing respect for him.

we have a child together and I really feel I have fucked up. Has anyone been through this situation or is going thought it? Or has some words of wisdom for me

Why are you with him?

It sounds like you've come to an awareness that you can't put back in the box now you've acknowledged it.
Also guilt, but it's not your fault you want more from life and are working on yourself.
It's sounds like you feel stuck.

Also.. many women will have been through something similar. I did with my ex.
The realisation was the hardest part.

He sounds awful. Who told you it would get better? Him?

Urgh just get rid of him and find a man who is your equal.

Never date down, only ever date equal or up. If he can't match what you're doing (income, level of seniority in your job, education, ability to keep a house, etc), get rid.

Life is hard now, don't make your life harder than it needs to be.

I'm sure it was lovely years ago when you could afford to date and later marry a skint man just because he's a nice guy. Times have changed, he needs to be a nice guy who brings home enough money to contribute equally to the household.

You've already had a child with him but in your situation, it doesn't sound like you'd be worse off without him. You're already doing everything. Kick him out and then at least you're not mothering a grown man as well your child.

As the above poster said, although you had a child with him, it doesn't sound like you'd be worse off without him anyway.

Once you realise that you've lost respect for a man, it's very hard to come back from. Don't let this loser drag you down, find a respectable man that is your equal or more.

You're essentially playing 'mummy' to him right now, doing all the cooking,cleaning,childcare, being the breadwinner too! You sound amazing, and worthy of someone who will treat you like you deserve.

We have been together since teenagers. We are now adults with a young child. He’s going to be 25. When we was younger it didn’t matter we was all working part time in retail. Now this year he’s 25 and still acting how he was when we were teens. He’s not becoming a man and he doesn’t realise I’m not trying to act 16-18. It’s extremely concerning and I do feel stuck. We have a family together. But now I don’t know what more I can do to elevate him he just doesn’t help himself. The fact I have a little one dependent on me I want to give them the best life a nice house stability ect.

I feel now we are adults the gap between us is increasing. I’ve got a good well paid job and he’s working 16 hours in a supermarket. I want a good life and to be treated and looked after. But it’s hard when your partner can’t even pay a quarter of the bills.

I just don’t know how to leave the fear of leaving is too scary

I also have that thought of who is gonna want me at 24 as a mum. When they can find someone without a child

Oh OP, that's no reason to stay with him and you're also wrong! I'm a 42 year old divorced mother of two. My exH was a shit. I am now with a lovely man, he is not all put off by my children. He is also divorced with one child. It's a non-issue.

How does he feel about it all?

Are you married? What's your housing situation, in joint names?

You're 24! Break free of this man!

Don't let him hold you back, the bitterness and resentment will be crippling.
This is your only life, don't settle for anything less than what you really want.

OP, worrying about whether someone else will want you is no reason to stay with a lazy manchild for whom you have long lost respect.

I would dial down on the stuff about him not being a 'natural provider, protector' and you doing the 'traditional male and female roles' etc. It sounds to me as if you want someone who will take his working life and earning potential as seriously as you do, and who will parent your child and share household chores equally. Which is a perfectly reasonable desire.

Hmm OP you are so young! You have your life ahead of you. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living like this?

You have the option of having a serious final convo with him, tell him to get his act together, new job/more hours. Tell him what you said here about now you have a child, you have had to grow up and think about the future/finances more seriously, and he needs to aswell.

Maybe he doesn't think there's a problem, as you'll just sort everything like usual. He needs to be told this isn't sustainable.

Give him a deadline in your head, and mentally prepare if he doesn't stick to his word. If he doesn't pull his bootstraps up by then (i.e 6 months), you should feel no shame in leaving.

In terms of cooking a cleaning hes made it very clear he’s not going to cook as he doesn’t like it. And cleaning also doesn’t like but occasionally does it. In terms of a job he’s had 2 years and I’ve not seen the drive and termination to elevate and find one. I understand peoples idea of hard work is different but the women I am I need him to do everything in his power to provide and get the job he wants. He says I underestimated him and don’t trust him. But when ever he says he’s gonna do something he never pulls through he doesn’t show up. So yes I don’t trust him to do what he has said.

we had a convo about finances and he said he’s relieved and more comfortable I don’t have to rely on him. Which also felt concerning that hes comfortable to be falling short and watching me struggle to be a mum and working mum. He doesn’t understand what I’m doing is to my limit. Working from home with a young child I’m at breaking point

You are only 24. Of course you can meet someone if you have a child.

That conversation sounds interesting. I would imagine he feels very relieved and comfortable that he has you to rely on financially and he doesn't have to do anything in the house.
You are a dynamic, self sufficient 24 year old and you are a mum. You are amazing. You will be snapped up please believe me. Do not waste yours and your child's life with this loser. It is far, far easier going it alone without another adult dragging you down.
What will your child learn from this man? You have the potential to provide an amazing life for you both. Life is short, do not waste it on hoping this man will change. He won't.

Doesn't he do childcare while you're working?

We have been together since teenagers.

Well there's your problem. You didn't pick a man because he wasn't a man yet, and you couldn't pick a man because you weren't an adult yet either. You're only 24, there's no shame in admitting that as adults, you're not right for each other.

Just leave him. Parenting alone is easier than this I promise I did it for 10 years x

Most separated parents find new partners please don't let this hold you back

Oh OP please leave and don't waste years. I would say you can have a hard facts chat with him to up his game but it sounds like that wouldn't make a difference you sound done regardless to be honestly.

I left a similar relationship at 23 because I was wanting to drive, get promotions and qualifications etc and he was happy working in a kitchen part time. We had no children thankfully.
He was always broke and when lived in together I was like you running things while he games and turned down shifts / money.
The last straw was when I asked him what he fancied for dinner ( he never ever food shopped) and he said steak or I could treat us to a Chinese! I lost it and moved back to my mums?

What you've got there, is a classic cock lodger. Doesn't like cooking? Tough shit if you wanna eat!

Doesn't like cleaning? Tough shit when you've got responsibilities to partner, child and house.

Jesus what a waste of space.

Kick him out. Tell him it's over and you want him gone.

So you work double the number of hours he does and he doesn't do any childcare when you're working?! That's outrageous tbh.

I think some men want the best of both worlds - a woman who earns a lot of money and works a lot and also a woman who does all the housework. It's pathetic

Could you do couples counselling together? You're both young and inexperienced with relationships so it might help change the dynamics by waking him up to the consequences of not pulling his weight.