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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I picked the wrong man

65 replies

Earthsign · 07/02/2024 12:27

The thoughts are getting louder. I’m fortunate to work mainly from home. Now I am a full time mum and the breadwinner. I work 38 hours and he works 16. I do all the cooking most of the cleaning and looking after our child. I feel like he has not got the drive or ambition to meet where I am and where I am going. I don’t feel like he’s a natural provider protector or anything I would want in a man. I understand getting a job can be hard but it has been nearly two years. The older we are getting I’m starting to think he’s a liability and unemployable (not that he’s even applied to many jobs). Its becoming obvious what type of man he is. And I am not trying to stay down and lazy with him

im starting to become disgusted with him considering his hygiene is poor. I’m saving for a house he's more than happy to make plans about us moving out and us being successful. But I’m the only one that is elevating he’s not doing anything to become successful in a career or life. We had sex recently and I just cried in regret. I couldn’t even hold back the tears.

ive been told it would get better but living together paying the bills and doing the traditional male and female roles alone is killing me. I’m loosing respect for him.

we have a child together and I really feel I have fucked up. Has anyone been through this situation or is going thought it? Or has some words of wisdom for me

OP posts:

Original poster

Earthsign · 08/02/2024 10:14

@HappiestSleeping We had that conversation about him improving himself yesterday and he concluded he wanted to go back to his mums as he knows I have enough money to support myself and our child. And he would have more money and time if he was at his mums.

I highly doubt he will improve himself.

OP posts:

Luckynumbereight · 08/02/2024 10:17

Earthsign · 07/02/2024 12:51

I also have that thought of who is gonna want me at 24 as a mum. When they can find someone without a child

It’s not about who is gonna want you, OP. It’s actually about who is good enough for YOU and your young child.

Leaving isn’t as scary as you think. The hardest part is making the decision and getting the ball rolling. You will get UC help as a single mother and also some help with childcare.

Just do it!

HappiestSleeping · 08/02/2024 10:23

Earthsign · 08/02/2024 10:10

Hey guys Thankyou for all the advice. We have had a chat last night. He wants to go back to his mums, hopefully his mum takes him. I think that this is the sign he doesn’t want to work harder to provide but would rather take the easier route of freedom and not having to improve himself. I have not said we will break up when he leaves, as I don’t want him to not go. He’s stubborn so I know he will decide not to leave and it will be hard to get him out. Once he’s fully out I will have a further conversation about us going our separate ways. Although I was like irritated it was easy for him to step out and go home I’m also excited not any time soon but in there future I have to opportunity to date and find someone right

It is always a shame when it gets to this point, and on one hand I would say that the signs were always there, and that to expect him to change is unreasonable. That said, it is not beyond reason that a man should realise that entering a relationship and having a child is going to bring about the need for a change in approach.

Also, I think about how my wife brings out the best in me and makes me want to do more for her. Not just because of her, for me too, but she is the catalyst. Your story made me think about it a lot today for some reason. I know it is only one measure, however since you mention income, I was motivated to increase my salary significantly. Clearly I had the capability, but I would have happily drifted along where I was. So it is possible for a man to change in ways even he would find surprising. I think she always saw more unrealised potential than I did.

It sounds like you need someone more compatible with your needs and desires.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/02/2024 10:30

The man would rather be looked after by his mum than step up. That’s incredibly sad. Good plan OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2024 10:32

Earthsign · 08/02/2024 10:14

I highly doubt he will improve himself.

Then that's your answer. He's barely contributing financially and you'll get some money off council tax, food bills etc without him so you'll be better off. He'd rather run home than step up. Let him go. Arrange for him to see his daughter once a week when you're at work and he's not

DoodlesMam · 08/02/2024 10:38

Kick him out - you are young and enterprising, you will find your equal.

peachgreen · 08/02/2024 10:41

What a waste of space. You're well rid.

buidhe · 08/02/2024 10:49

I'm so sorry OP. You are doing the right thing. For now concentrate on you and your child and take one day at a time. It's better that you face this now and move on. You can likely still co-parent fairly amicably - he's not toxic just lazy. You will find it easier to look after just two of you in the house. You will not be carrying resentment. It's all good even if you are sad. Be kind to yourself x

KeeeeeepDancing · 08/02/2024 10:57

Amazing result OP!
It sounds like he is still behaving like a teenager and you are an adult.
You are doing the right thing.

Daftapath · 08/02/2024 11:06

Op, I hope that your savings are protected by being in your name only? If they are in a joint account, I would look at moving them if he has not contributed to them

Sweden99 · 08/02/2024 11:41

Earthsign · 07/02/2024 12:49

We have been together since teenagers. We are now adults with a young child. He’s going to be 25. When we was younger it didn’t matter we was all working part time in retail. Now this year he’s 25 and still acting how he was when we were teens. He’s not becoming a man and he doesn’t realise I’m not trying to act 16-18. It’s extremely concerning and I do feel stuck. We have a family together. But now I don’t know what more I can do to elevate him he just doesn’t help himself. The fact I have a little one dependent on me I want to give them the best life a nice house stability ect.

I feel now we are adults the gap between us is increasing. I’ve got a good well paid job and he’s working 16 hours in a supermarket. I want a good life and to be treated and looked after. But it’s hard when your partner can’t even pay a quarter of the bills.

I just don’t know how to leave the fear of leaving is too scary

That makes some sense, as in he does not realise he will not be seen as a viable partner by anyone else and you do not realise you could easily do better.

Newestname002 · 08/02/2024 11:48

Daftapath · 08/02/2024 11:06

Op, I hope that your savings are protected by being in your name only? If they are in a joint account, I would look at moving them if he has not contributed to them

Yes - take note OP. Act quickly if he has access to your bank accounts - it's not unknown for the person being made to leave to empty the bank account of the other person. Also change your password to any streaming or shopping accounts you have so he can't access them and spend your money/lock you out.

Also change your locks without delay so he can't just wander bank if he feels like it. It's not enough just to get his set back from him. If your place is rented/leased, tell your landlord/managing agents that he's no longer living there and you are the sole occupier. Give them a set of keys and stress he's to have no access to your home.

Go online on your council's website and claim your 25% council tax single occupancy rebate ASAP.

Good luck for a happier future. 🌹

FetchezLaVache · 08/02/2024 11:53

He senses his free ride is over, so he's off back to Mummy's. You are so much better off (in every sense) without him, OP. Don't settle for less than you deserve next time!

Sweden99 · 08/02/2024 11:58

He has abandoned his family rather than grow up to be a man.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/02/2024 12:20

*I’m loosing respect for him.

we have a child together and I really feel I have fucked up. Has anyone been through this situation or is going thought it? Or has some words of wisdom for me*

I would have lost it a long time ago with someone who would let me work full time while they worked part time and still left all the running of the house to me.

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