I think I picked the wrong man

[Earthsign]

The thoughts are getting louder. I’m fortunate to work mainly from home. Now I am a full time mum and the breadwinner. I work 38 hours and he works 16. I do all the cooking most of the cleaning and looking after our child. I feel like he has not got the drive or ambition to meet where I am and where I am going. I don’t feel like he’s a natural provider protector or anything I would want in a man. I understand getting a job can be hard but it has been nearly two years. The older we are getting I’m starting to think he’s a liability and unemployable (not that he’s even applied to many jobs). Its becoming obvious what type of man he is. And I am not trying to stay down and lazy with him

im starting to become disgusted with him considering his hygiene is poor. I’m saving for a house he's more than happy to make plans about us moving out and us being successful. But I’m the only one that is elevating he’s not doing anything to become successful in a career or life. We had sex recently and I just cried in regret. I couldn’t even hold back the tears.

ive been told it would get better but living together paying the bills and doing the traditional male and female roles alone is killing me. I’m loosing respect for him.

we have a child together and I really feel I have fucked up. Has anyone been through this situation or is going thought it? Or has some words of wisdom for me

You need to leave this moron! You are only 21! and not married ?

it’s easy- just walk. It will be the best decision you ever make. You will never have the life you want with this man.

Very good.

You are so young, OP. 24 is no age, and it sounds like you have already achieved so much and have the drive and determination to do more. It sounds like you have outgrown your partner. Please enjoy what is left of your twenties.

Aye, it does sound like you chose a dud. You don't have to keep choosing him though; get rid. 24 is no age. You'll find someone else...or be happy single. Both better than dragging a dead weight around your whole life.

You clean, cook, shop, do childcare, pay bills, work full time AND shower?

What does he do? Ask yourself honestly, what does he do? Then look at your tenancy agreement and see if one of you can leave easily.

OP this isn't going to change or get better. You sound so so unhappy and that is no way to live,

You're already doing it all alone. He doesn't bring anything to the table does he? Really?

He needs to pack his bags and be gone. Do not buy a house with this man, even if he can't find another job he probably has the option to increase his hours!

And to give you a bit of hope, I met someone with 3 DC. I'm getting married this year and happier than I've ever been.

So you'd rather be unhappy with someone, with no prospect of life improving than be happy with your child and a life to look forward to?

The sooner the better. Get rid before he pulls u under.

Don't worry about having a child, right man won't care.

He has shown u who he is. Believe him

It is hard because the type of man who attracts you when you are 17 is different to what you are attracted to in your twenties. It sounds like you have grown up and he hasn't. It is also a concern that although he works less hours and earns less money, he doesn't pull his weight in other ways. He should be helping with cooking and cleaning. I think you really need to tell him how you are feeling. That if things don't change then you feel you would be better off living apart. This might make him change things but it is unlikely. And you may well still not feel attracted to him. Think carefully about what you want and how unhappy you are. Life is too short to spend it in an unhappy relationship.

Albert Einstein “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change."

An ideal boyfriend at 17 isn't necessarily an ideal partner at 25.

You appear to be thriving and he appears to be dragging you down.

Don't marry him whatever you do.

I would tell him that thinks cannot continue as they are & at bare minimum he needs to contribute equally financially, parentally and domestically. (I'd skip the cooking as it probably isn't worth eating it and also would be less of any issue if everything else was equal).

Stop subsidising his life at the expense of your own.

End it and find a better role model for your child. Having someone like that around is like having a second child.

Are you married? Please tell me you are not married. If you are married he is potentially entitled to half of those savings you have for a house. So imagine if you don't split and actually get the house then finally leave he gets half of what you worked so hard to get. The longer you stay the more he gets if you keep saving.

On the other hand if not married. Absolutely leave the cock lodger.

And as a financially independent woman with savings for a house/with a house you will be an easy target for other cock lodgers. Some very nasty men target single mothers. But you are young and with better self respect and boundaries of course you will find someone else. But worrying about being single will lead you straight into the arms of cock lodgers or abusive men. Know your worth you clearly are a very strong and capable person x

@Earthsign

I just don’t know how to leave the fear of leaving is too scary

More scary is the idea of staying with someone like this for the next 40 to 50 years though, isn't it?

You sound like you have your stuff together apart from this non-relationship with someone who's making no effort in being an equally contributing partner to you and an equal parent to your shared child.

Don't buy a house with this man or commit yourself financially or emotionally to him further than you have. Take great care of your contraception- you don't want to add another child in this scenario.

I have to say that, after the conversation you had when he showed you he had no plans to step up, I would have asked him to leave - he can figure out where. He adds nothing to your life except as a weight to drag you back. Who needs someone like this in their life? 🌹

In terms of cooking a cleaning hes made it very clear he’s not going to cook as he doesn’t like it. And cleaning also doesn’t like but occasionally does it.

Selfish twat. You need to leave this pathetic manchild!

I was with this person, when he finally got his life together he had an affair, so that was great for me. I don't regret our wonderful kids but I do wonder what that other life would have been like, the one where I dumped him a few years in rather than putting up with 20 years of holding everything together. If he's not bringing anything to your life financially and sex gives you the utter ick I think it is time to leave him before he drags you down more.

How weird, so your solution to that is to stay with this sponge forever? Not every man is allergic to other people's children, and you've still got many years of having more children with someone else if you want to do that!

At 24 you got ahead the bigger part of your life. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you fell unhappy.

Get out now.
Like now.
It's a short marriage

Your biggest mistake would be to build assets and then the lazy fucker walks away with half in 10-15 years time having don't nothing but leech off you.

You have small pensions and small assets now it will never be easier to leave.

Run now. And do not look back.

I also have that thought of who is gonna want me at 24 as a mum. When they can find someone without a child

OP, different reasons behind it but I was a single parent at 24.

I went on to marry and have another child and became a single parent for a second time (I also chose well, obviously 😉)

Things I can tell you about being a single parent.

I too shared the 'no one will want me' feeling. Others are right, they will but, even if you were single for the next 10 years, it is such better than being trapped in a crap relationship with a useless man!

You and your child will be an impenetrable team. You don't have to look after a useless man; you can make plans for yor child and your life that don't consider him, his poor hygiene. You don't have to have sex you cry after.

When my eldest was two (i was a lone parent from his birth), I went back to university and got a first class degree. I know that wouldn't have been possible if I'd stayed with his useless father!

I chose to stay single for 10 years after becoming a single parent for the second time and dated a fair bit in the time. I only met one man who was put off by the fact I had children.

My eldest is now 25 and it would break my heart to think of him in a relationship like this and feeling like this.

It doesn't feel like it now, but you hold all the cards here - ambitious; plans for the future; the breadwinner; your child etc. What's he got to look forward to? And what would you have to look forward to if you stayed with him?

Oh, darling, you've made a poor choice.

BUT the great news is, you are very young and you are driven.

You absolutely do not have to carry this sad excuse of a human being any more.

Free yourself and your child. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than carrying a loser for the next 20 years.

I'd rather be single forever than with a man like that.

You'll be fine.

Think about yourself. You're driven, you're OK.

You do not need a dick-head bloke.

You're better than that.

Listen to the pps and make a plan to leave.
It won't get better and you'll continue to feel resentment and unattractive to the lack of partnering and levelling up.

I left my exH (much older than you) for similar-ish reasons and have two young boys. It's not been an issue at all and I'll be getting married again next year so whilst I think that you should primarily leave for your own sanity and the benefit of your child, I don't think you need to worry about your future love life yet

I'd love to live a life where I didn't have to do the mundane boring tasks. Who wouldn't? I don't suppose you much enjoy cleaning etc either.

It would be easy to look at how you arrived at where you are, but that is fruitless. I would be having a serious conversation with him (assuming you feel it would be redeemable should he change his approach), and let him know that he isn't bringing anything to the party, so shape up or ship out.

Hey guys Thankyou for all the advice. We have had a chat last night. He wants to go back to his mums, hopefully his mum takes him. I think that this is the sign he doesn’t want to work harder to provide but would rather take the easier route of freedom and not having to improve himself. I have not said we will break up when he leaves, as I don’t want him to not go. He’s stubborn so I know he will decide not to leave and it will be hard to get him out. Once he’s fully out I will have a further conversation about us going our separate ways. Although I was like irritated it was easy for him to step out and go home I’m also excited not any time soon but in there future I have to opportunity to date and find someone right