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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To break his heart?

52 replies

Thepanicyears · 04/02/2024 15:36

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. On paper he is perfect but as friends around us get engaged or talk about the prospect it makes me anxious and I just can’t see this in our future. He very much can though and talks about it often.

I can’t pinpoint what exactly is holding me back but I have expressed on numerous occasions that I feel our sex life is lacking. We have only done it twice in the last 6 months. To start I used to try and initiate but he hardly ever does. I am pretty sure he isn’t cheating as his phone is always open, I often use it and have never found anything remotely interesting on it. He says he lacks confidence but I feel like that excuse can’t continue forever. I even suggested the gp to get his testosterone checked but he brushed it off.

At the works Christmas party a gorgeous colleague was very flirty with me, showering me with compliments, saying he wishes we’d met sooner and all that jazz. Obviously I’m aware it was drunk talk and he does happen to be engaged so this would never go any further but it did make me think about meeting someone else. I feel like I’m longing to be wanted and for sexual compatibility. My question is from others with more experience, can you develop in this are as he is such a good partner otherwise or are we doomed to split up. We have a house and dog together and he would come off worse having to move out. The thought of breaking his heart kills me.

OP posts:
EVHead · 04/02/2024 15:37

It would be worse to string him along and end up married and miserable.

Life is too short - move on and find someone compatible.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/02/2024 15:38

You have to be brave OP and break it off. He will be hurt but he’ll get over it. You’re so young and this relationship isn’t right for you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 15:39

The thought of breaking his heart kills me

What does the thought of 40 or 50 years with sex twice a year (if you're lucky) feel like?

On paper he is perfect but as friends around us get engaged or talk about the prospect it makes me anxious and I just can’t see this in our future

You're having these feelings for a reason; and the reason is you don't see this as your future.

Original poster
Thepanicyears · 04/02/2024 15:40

Thanks for the quick replies. I hate hurting people and I feel like it’s not his fault if that makes sense. We’ve been friends since school too so it also feels like I’m throwing away a relationship and a friendship

OP posts:
Trusttheprocess1 · 04/02/2024 15:42

I broke up with someone after 10 years together when I was 27. It was awful and I felt so guilty that I put it off for years. I knew that I couldn’t stay faithful and that I would eventually break his heart in a far worse way. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you. We are still in contact and friendly but I know I would not have been properly happy with him. Best to do it now than hurt him further down the line. 💐

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 15:45

OP, most people don't like hurting people, but your BF has refused to get help for something that's vital to you - hell, is vital for any couple contemplating their future together. Is he bothered about how that hurt you? 'sorry panicyears, but sex with you isn't important enough to me?'

You're 25. Too bloody young for a sexless relationship, let alone a marriage.

Veryinteresting24 · 04/02/2024 15:49

You’ve told him you are not happy with your sex life. It’s not likely to get better based on what you say. He shouldn’t be surprised tbh.

Mitherations · 04/02/2024 15:54

If you're longing for sexual compatibility then go and find it. Don't walk down the aisle with a dead bedroom unless you're happy with a life of dead bedroom.

Yes ending a relationship is not fun, but it's necessary if you want out. You can't just sit in there forever because you don't want to deal with confrontation. You know what would break his heart? Finding out after however many years that you were only with him out of pity, and because you don't like upsetting people.

WSJ · 04/02/2024 16:01

You have just outgrown him.

Hearts mend.

Time to do the decent thing.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 16:06

it did make me think about meeting someone else. I feel like I’m longing to be wanted and for sexual compatibility. My question is from others with more experience, can you develop in this are as he is such a good partner otherwise or are we doomed to split up

You're 25, you want to be wanted and for a man who desires you powerfully and to know how that feels - the most natural thing in the world. Reading your post, your BF doesn't appear to WANT to do anything about the lack of sex, he doesn't appear to want you or make you feel wanted and desired, and if you marry him with that as the bargain, he'll have even less incentive because he'll reason that you married him knowing the deal.

Look at it this way. It's going to break his heart if a few years down the line that need to be wanted and desired is just too much and you walk out of this marriage to find that, when he's going to say 'but I thought she knew the deal!' As I see it you don't have a choice - you break his heart now or later.

Macaroni46 · 04/02/2024 16:35

The sex situation is only going to get worse and you'll really start to resent him for it. Better to break now. Yes it'll be painful but better in the long run.

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/02/2024 16:48

If he is as you say, the perfect partner in every other way then it mat be worth seeing a sex therapist together IF he is willing to do so (and if you can afford it obviously).
It may just be mismatched libidos though and if that is the case I'd definitely say leave and find someone more matched to you

Original poster
Thepanicyears · 04/02/2024 17:03

I feel really disappointed in myself that I’ve spent 4 years with someone and not realised earlier that we are probably just incompatible no matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself we are. All your comments make so much sense!

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 04/02/2024 17:07

Relationships do often run their course and it does not make you a bad person in realising that. The fact that he's not willing to get a check up or a test for something important to you would be a big issue for me. Counselling might provide some answers and help with the confidence issues. Sometimes there is a solution but both parties need to want to work on it.

Sorry if have misunderstood but why would it be him who has to lose his home? How come you get to stay?

Dotchange · 04/02/2024 17:10

WSJ · 04/02/2024 16:01

You have just outgrown him.

Hearts mend.

Time to do the decent thing.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Much, much kinder to let him go. You’re not being honest

Original poster
Thepanicyears · 04/02/2024 17:11

In terms of the house, I provided the entire deposit and the solicitor put a deed in to protect this. I could afford to keep up the mortgage alone whereas he wouldn’t be able to buy me out. I don’t think he’d want to stay in it either to be honest.

OP posts:
TheSlantedOwl · 04/02/2024 17:11

You’re just going to have to be honest, and brave, and end the relationship.

The alternative is to waste your life because living a lie felt easier at the time. You would end up riddled with awful regret.

Bestyearever2024 · 04/02/2024 17:21

Of course you must end it
ASAP
It's just cruel not to end it, feeling as you do
It's not 4 wasted years. It's 4 years of learning about you and what you need and want

WhatWhereWho · 04/02/2024 17:24

Thepanicyears · 04/02/2024 17:11

In terms of the house, I provided the entire deposit and the solicitor put a deed in to protect this. I could afford to keep up the mortgage alone whereas he wouldn’t be able to buy me out. I don’t think he’d want to stay in it either to be honest.

I see. Thank you for explaining.

It's a difficult situation but the sex issue might be resolvable if he's willing to try. Of course it might also be two completely different sex drives which just means you both have very different needs. That's far more difficult and does not make either of you right or wrong just not matched. I guess question is if he was willing to work on it would you be? Does he know clearly how much of an issue (very understandably) it is for you?

Does not make you a bad person for deciding to end it, but if as you say everything else is so good it might be worth a try. And it's natural to want to be desired and needed. If he's still unwilling to make an effort of even get a check-up when you have explained then it's pretty clear really.

Sundlowergirl1 · 04/02/2024 17:30

You are right to question. The relationship has run its course but it is so hard when you have committed with a house and you are not arguing. But I can assure you, if your sex life is the pits now, it will be worse as things go along.

Plan in to have a chat with him but also plan so you can leave for a few days if too difficult. You just have to be honest.

My friend was in your position and she eventually bit the bullet. Went on to meet the love of her life and now married, kids etc.....

BMW6 · 04/02/2024 17:33

Honestly OP no-one is to blame here. You got together incredibly young, before you were fully grown, and in these years you've developed and no longer "fit" each other.

Yes you will hurt him, that's sad but entirely unavoidable. You must not stay together because you feel sorry for him.

He will get over you, with time and distance. Do not stay in touch as friends - that would be cruel and hinder his recovery.

You have your own life to lead. Be brave, kind, but firm.

JohnMytton · 04/02/2024 17:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/02/2024 18:35

My first relationship was like that. We were together for 2.5 years and I spent the last year miserable because I was worried about breaking his heart. When I eventually did break up with him, I was completely worn down by the relationship and wondered if it was me who wasn’t up for long term relationships.

Around 6 months after breaking up with him, I started dating my DH and it’s been nearly 11 years and I’m still completely in love with him. We go through quieter spells sex wise because we have two kids and I’m pregnant with our third but our relationship is stronger than ever in other ways and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

If that’s not how you feel about your partner, it’s not going to be happy for you.

velvetstars · 04/02/2024 20:44

I think you know what you have to do OP, I would give one piece of advice which is if you're sure then don't be swayed by promises to change. It will only drag it out for another 6/12/18 months, in which time you could both miss meeting people who you would be better suited to.

coloursquare · 04/02/2024 21:23

Be brave, and then enjoy living your life. If you stick around, the lack of sex will start to erode your self-confidence.

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