To break his heart?

[Thepanicyears]

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. On paper he is perfect but as friends around us get engaged or talk about the prospect it makes me anxious and I just can’t see this in our future. He very much can though and talks about it often.

I can’t pinpoint what exactly is holding me back but I have expressed on numerous occasions that I feel our sex life is lacking. We have only done it twice in the last 6 months. To start I used to try and initiate but he hardly ever does. I am pretty sure he isn’t cheating as his phone is always open, I often use it and have never found anything remotely interesting on it. He says he lacks confidence but I feel like that excuse can’t continue forever. I even suggested the gp to get his testosterone checked but he brushed it off.

At the works Christmas party a gorgeous colleague was very flirty with me, showering me with compliments, saying he wishes we’d met sooner and all that jazz. Obviously I’m aware it was drunk talk and he does happen to be engaged so this would never go any further but it did make me think about meeting someone else. I feel like I’m longing to be wanted and for sexual compatibility. My question is from others with more experience, can you develop in this are as he is such a good partner otherwise or are we doomed to split up. We have a house and dog together and he would come off worse having to move out. The thought of breaking his heart kills me.

Hi OP, I am 44 and I didn't leave.

I don't.... regret as such, but it's very much a compromise relationship.

The less-frequent sex dwindled as we got older, had kids, busy lives etc. It's been ages now, literally years.

I love DH, we make each other laugh, I like his family, we have our roles. But we got together when I was 28, and I now realise, I've never really had sex with anyone who was just so hot for me and really desired me.

Now, I'm mid 40s and I look after myself - but I'm no Liz Hurley or Kylie, and realistically, that's never going to happen for me now. Sex is pretty much over for me and I feel very sad about it.

If this makes sense.- I don't now wish I'd made a different choice. I wouldn't have my children, my memories.

But if I were 28 again and knew what it was going to be like, I probably would choose differently.

You have time now. In a few years, you won't.

Op, I could have written this 15 years ago, Almost to the letter.

I stayed for 7 years because it wasn't 'bad', but in hindsight it was 7 year of being young and free kind of wasted.

One day I met my now husband and thought 'shit, the his is what it's meant to feel like'.

Honestly, I wish I'd have ended things years sooner. Things being 'good enough' isn't really enough.... we only get one life!

Think of you. I people pleased and married the wrong guy. Deep down I knew. 20 years later we separated. You will be so much happier if you follow your heart. It’s not easy but you will hurt yourself and him more to go with it and be unhappy.

Thanks for the replies guys. I think it maybe has knocked my confidence in the sense that I’m worried about starting over now and whether I’ll meet anyone else but I would hate to regret staying as some of you have said. Such a horrible situation

OP you’re twenty five! So so young. You have acres of time to run around in.

Be honest, be kind. You are trusting your feelings and instincts. He may be a lovely person etc (that's why you've stayed with him). If you're having infrequent sex in your 20s, the future doesn't look good if you stay together. I'm older than you, been together a similar time and I would certainly finish things if it was the same situation. You are young and you've not cheated, so hold your head up high and trust your feelings x

Time to say Goodbye, and ask him to move out
and explain to him that you can afford the mortgage yourself and that he will get the share to which he has contributed i.e. not your deposit.

You are young enough to meet some one who you do really really want to marry and have a future with, someone who desires you and fancies you, loves you and is in love with you.

He too will find someone just like that, in time.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but you are only 25. That is so young. You haven't wasted four years, (I'm sure) you've spent it having lots of great experiences and a nice relationship. But it doesn't mean you have to stick with it for the next 75 years.

Me breaking the heart of my husband when we were in early 20s was one of the most horrendous things I've even been through. It broke my heart to break his. 25 years later and we are still friends, he remarried and has two children and a grandchild and is with someone far, far, far more suited to him. I was feeling like you did and if I'd stayed so as 'not to hurt him' we would have both been utterly miserable.

Oh lord. Sorry for the older person patronising comment but

YOU ARE TWENTY FIVE

Please get life into proportion 🥰😍

You can't stay with someone who isn't fulfilling you and who you aren't 100% into

If that means you're single for a while, so what?

Also - gently....why ARE you so concerned about being alone?

PS....I was exactly the same as you 30 years ago and knowing how utterly stupid I was to feel that way, makes me cross with 25 year old me 🤣

You're 25. You don't need to panic about starting over at an age that most people haven't started at all. There is no way you should be settling for a sexless marriage and denying yourself a life of physical intimacy out of fear of not meeting anyone else at this point. If you were 75? Maybe settle for the companionship then

You're literally in your prime. Get out there and live your life. You're allowed to want sex and to enjoy sex and for that to be a big part of your life. Give yourself permission.

I am only 29 and I can tell you that you’re panicking about nothing. My life looks so different now to when I was 25 (career and family wise rather than relationship) and I know it could look really different again in 5 more years.

My friend met her DP at 25 and they are getting married this year. Another friend met hers at 27 and they now live together and are starting to plan for children. Life is not over when you hit your 20s!

No honestly you aren’t being patronising. I was really hoping for opinions from people who have lived similar experiences and those able to give an outsider perspective so thank you. You have helped put my mind at rest that I’m not expecting too much. I do want that all encompassing love and passion people talk about so I’ll have to go and find it! In terms of my age I suppose it feels like it’s the be all and end all when everyone around you seems settled for life and you’ve got 5 weddings to prepare for this summer 😂

Im just really dreading the logistics of him having to move out. He hasn’t really got anywhere to go. How do people normally go about this? I could go to my parents for a while but would this just make it harder?

In terms of my age I suppose it feels like it’s the be all and end all when everyone around you seems settled for life and you’ve got 5 weddings to prepare for this summer

It's difficult, everyone around you getting engaged and married and I bet they're looking at you as if to say 'you're next' so there's terrific peer pressure. But to repeat what was said upthread

YOU ARE TWENTY FIVE

Please get life into proportion 🥰😍

As for logistics, isn't it your house/flat or did I imagine that? no reason for you to move out. Have the talk, let him absorb the message then talk about the practicalities.

Honestly OP I think good on you for being strong enough to say “actually this isn’t for me”! I’m also in my twenties and very happily married with a baby on the way, I have at least one friend in a very similar situation to you who always excuses staying in her unhappy relationship with “well we’ve been together X years” and the amount of times I’ve said to her, why would you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy for the sake of having spent 4 or 5 years with someone now!

Totally understand it’s hard when people around you are in different places in life but just try not to compare. It’s better to get married at 35 to the man of your dreams than to settle and marry at 25 just to fit in.

With regards to the house, are you both on the mortgage? If so then it’s not as easy as you asking him to leave or you just keeping the house, you’d have to remortgage to buy him out and get the mortgage in your sole name, including giving him whatever % of equity he’s entitled to. If it’s something you’re seriously considering, book a call in with a mortgage adviser, my husband is one and offers free advice (I think most do) so just call up and see what your options are. It may be that actually you can’t get a mortgage on the property in your sole name so better you know now to look into all options x

You’re definitely right about the ‘you’re next’ part. People are always saying ‘oh I bet you’re waiting for a ring’ and things like that and it makes me feel uneasy which I know is a bad sign. If he proposed I wouldn’t be excited I’d be scared. I think I’d just talked myself into well life will be easy, we’d get on etc but it wouldn’t be the dream.

Thanks for also discussing the logistics. I’ve just done a quick agreement in principle online and I should be able to afford to remortgage alone but yes I would have to pay him his equity back of course.

Guys I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I see his kind face and the guilt consumes me! How does anyone go about these things without backing out??

You know those five weddings you're going to? At least a couple of them will end in divorce. Everyone around you isn't settling for life, and some of them will most definitely be settling for what they've got. Good on you for knowing that's not enough.

In terms of the practicality, unfortunately there is no way round, you just need to jump through the hoops as they present themselves. You do it without backing out because you know what the alternative is and you know you don't want that. Time to put your big girl pants on, and have a frank conversation, no it's not fun but he won't set on fire.

I'm 45 and I couldn't cope with that lack of sex/chemistry/connection, I definitely couldn't have at 25!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with the wrong person out of guilt? It will be hard, of course it will because you care about him and don't want to hurt him. But to not do it will hurt you both much more in the long run. Just take a deep breath, remind yourself it's the right thing and say the words. X

You just have to go for it, tbh, as hard as it is. But as difficult as it is, I promise you two things:

You'll feel relieved.
Both of you will move on to relationships with better-suited people.

Think of it as being cruel to be kind. You want him to have the chance of a great life and love with someone else, just as much as you want it for yourself. It would be unkind to stay with him, feeling the way you do.

Gather your courage in both hands and have the conversation.

Good luck.

Op, if you respect him at all you will end this relationship right now. Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who wants a future with him? I'm sorry to be harsh, but you're being very selfish and immature right now. You're not ending it because it's easier for you not to deal with it, not just because you're worried about hurting him. Sometimes we have to hurt people we care about. That's just the way it is.

Practice what you want to say first. Write it down and rehearse it if you have to. Anticipate what he'll say to talk you out of it, but be firm stick to the basic message - I'm sorry this is hurting you but this isn't right for me and I'm calling it a day.

Then take a deep breath and say 'We need to talk.'

I've been where you are OP, I found it impossible to think of hurting him when he had been through a lot in his life already. A wise friend helped me realise that every day I was with him was another day I was keeping him from finding the person who would love him how he deserves to be loved.

When you care for someone you can almost convince yourself that you're doing a kindness by delaying a break-up. In reality it's not good for anyone. The sooner you break up, the sooner you can both move on.

There’s no need to feel guilt for finalising an already dead relationship, but it’s cruel of you to not free him to find someone who likes him, just out of inertia and fear of a bit of awkwardness.
It’s hardly going to be a huge shock to him.