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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF is this nonsense?!?

53 replies

User19798 · 03/02/2024 21:39

I will keep it short and simple.
DH had a very shit childhood, alcoholic parents, utter neglect.
Met at 18, I have been a good wife and mother, him a very good father and a good DH. He is NC with parents.
We have an objectively good life. Dh in an ok job, me own business, 6 figure salary. DH has 2 lovely holidays booked in the next 6 months and works 36 hours a week in a boring job - DC grown up, at good unis - thriving.
Next week we have our first ever holiday without DC - to a dream location (for him). DD is taking care of everything at home. We are soooo fucking lucky. So so lucky.
Tomorrow DD is taking DH for his Xmas gift - an experience he has talked for years about wanting to do. She saved for months - I mean grafted full time and saved and spent it all on her dad.
So he has been an utter twat all day. Woe is me. Poor him. Poor poor man. He HAS to get up 'early' on a sunday. He HAS TO HAVE A LOG HAUL FLIGHT next week to enjoy a holiday with his wife! (he is fine with flying and has done many many long haul flights)
He has been tantrumming and martyring all day.
We are mystified - any explanations? DD is heartbroken and I am ready to strange the knob head.

OP posts:
Notevenslightlydamp · 03/02/2024 21:43

I admit to such behaviour in occasion. When it happens, I'm mega stressed about something and not able to add an extra thing into the mix, even if it's something I really want to do. For me, it just feels like the final straw, no matter how lovely. Obviously he may be completely different, but that's me quite often.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 03/02/2024 21:47

Yes, I'd echo the stress thing. It's not an excuse but it is a reason. I hope he manages to sort himself out and you do enjoy your holiday.

Original poster
User19798 · 03/02/2024 21:47

*LONG haul flight, sorry!

OP posts:
Windymcwindyson · 03/02/2024 21:48

Say you sympathise and suggest he stays home... Enjoy your trip.

MrsMocha · 03/02/2024 21:54

Have you tried asking him outright what the problem is? I know hubby can get quite moody when stressed and it's usually worse when whatever is stressing him is making him feel inadequate for whatever reason (unable to provide as much as he wants, missing the kids things due to work etc). Men don't tend to go about communication the same way, maybe he just needs a leg in to start the convo. Not an excuse to treat you all that way, you should point out his behaviour to him and tell him how ungrateful and ridiculous he is being!

locket2009 · 03/02/2024 21:56

Is he in his 50s by any chance @User19798 ? My dh is and is slowly turning into victor meldrew

JanuarySlog · 03/02/2024 22:03

Sometimes the anticipation of something big and significant can be overwhelming. There's the pressure to enjoy it, knowing how much effort and expense has gone into it. Throw the change from routine, the mental effort of packing and sorting things, and making plans. And possibly a slightly loss of control. It can be a lot.

So yes, he'd being an arse, but it will be coming from deep within and will feel beyond his control just now. I'd address it neutrally, say he doesn't seem his usual self, is there anything specific that he is stressed about, and leave him to stew. Once you get going he'll probably be fine again.

JanuarySlog · 03/02/2024 22:04

Also I don't like flying so have underlying stress about long haul for a few weeks beforehand...

TheSlantedOwl · 03/02/2024 22:13

Bollocks to the ‘poor him, stress’ line. He’s being a selfish dick. Who knows why.

Have you said to him that he’s upsetting his daughter and reminded him how hard she saved to treat him?

I think it’s a little odd she’s doing that btw. That hard earned and hard saved money should be hers and he should be ashamed of himself for accepting that gift from her in the first place. It sounds as if his place in the family is to be looked after and indulged.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/02/2024 22:20

Why don't you just ask him what is really wrong?

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 22:23

I wouldn’t stand for this nonsense. Tell him to pack it in or he won’t get his Christmas treat or the holiday, you and DD will find someone grateful to share the events with.

cakeytime · 03/02/2024 22:31

Tell him calmly that he doesnt have to go on holiday.
You go, change ticket for friend to go with you and he can stay home and enjoy his own miserable company.

Poor Dd though.She'll know next time to get him nothing.

Some people aren't happy unless they make everyone else miserable.

parietal · 03/02/2024 22:38

Sounds like he is behaving like toddlers sometimes do - being as difficult as possible before a big event to test if you really love them or will push them away. He may not even be aware of this.

Given his difficult childhood, I'd treat him as I'd treat the toddler - firm boundaries against rudeness plus lots of love and reassurance.

If he secretly feels he doesn't deserve his great family, he needs your support. Crazy though it may seem.

Original poster
User19798 · 03/02/2024 23:16

@TheSlantedOwl DD is on a year off and earning very well for an 18 yo. Her dad has been an exceptional parent by all accounts and she wanted to treat him. She has budgeted savings for uni and travelling and wanted spend her disposable income on a treat for him and as @locket2009 says, her dad has decided to do a Victor Meldrew

OP posts:
Original poster
User19798 · 03/02/2024 23:18

@Bluenotgreen @Windymcwindyson @Bluenotgreen This has been said to him! He's come downstairs now DD has gone to bed. What a dick.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2024 23:22

Hang on, how long ago was this childhood? Surely it's at least 25 years ago? There is no way he can be sulking about going on holiday and having a treat tomorrow because of his miserable childhood. I would ask what the hell is up with him and I think he should apologise to your daughter immediately.

Original poster
User19798 · 03/02/2024 23:22

They are supposed to set off at 8am. I bed he is all smiles and god knows what she'll do, I have enabled too much nonsense. I see it now he does it to her. He has always been such a good dad. Dedicated his entire life to it, his entire identity is constructed around being the BEST dad. This is so weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
User19798 · 03/02/2024 23:23

*I bet

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 03/02/2024 23:29

Is he having an I am not worthy cognitive flash back to his childhood (where I am sure he suffered being told and shown that he wasnt worthy of time love or attention) so its all got too much and he is acting up out of self inflicted pain. The problem with shitty childhoods is that they flash back on you through your adult life not matter how hard you try to put it behind you. If you think it might be this, love bomb him through it, reassure him that he is loved and worthy of being loved

on the other hand he might just be being petulant, but …..

blackpear · 03/02/2024 23:32

I’ve seen this a couple of times in people who have had v difficult childhoods. The feelings of unworthiness persist and they just can’t cope with big gestures of love, so behave badly. It’s shit for everyone.

blackpear · 03/02/2024 23:33

Not saying this is the case, but it might be?

blackpear · 03/02/2024 23:33

Ah, cross post with previous poster.

TwylaSands · 03/02/2024 23:36

It does sound trauma related. Which is not an excuse, but a reason. He needs to deal wit it properly of course. just keep reassuring your dd.

TheSlantedOwl · 03/02/2024 23:43

It’s still potentially reflective of him being indulged and babied @User19798 - and that your DD has caught the bug from you and feels she needs to shell out to thank her dad for, errr, being her dad. She’s maybe been a bit adultified along the way.

XelaM · 03/02/2024 23:43

User19798 · 03/02/2024 23:22

They are supposed to set off at 8am. I bed he is all smiles and god knows what she'll do, I have enabled too much nonsense. I see it now he does it to her. He has always been such a good dad. Dedicated his entire life to it, his entire identity is constructed around being the BEST dad. This is so weird.

Aw he sounds like my lovely dad! If so, your daughter will forgive him this occasional dickishness. We're all human