WTF is this nonsense?!?

[User19798]

I will keep it short and simple.
DH had a very shit childhood, alcoholic parents, utter neglect.
Met at 18, I have been a good wife and mother, him a very good father and a good DH. He is NC with parents.
We have an objectively good life. Dh in an ok job, me own business, 6 figure salary. DH has 2 lovely holidays booked in the next 6 months and works 36 hours a week in a boring job - DC grown up, at good unis - thriving.
Next week we have our first ever holiday without DC - to a dream location (for him). DD is taking care of everything at home. We are soooo fucking lucky. So so lucky.
Tomorrow DD is taking DH for his Xmas gift - an experience he has talked for years about wanting to do. She saved for months - I mean grafted full time and saved and spent it all on her dad.
So he has been an utter twat all day. Woe is me. Poor him. Poor poor man. He HAS to get up 'early' on a sunday. He HAS TO HAVE A LOG HAUL FLIGHT next week to enjoy a holiday with his wife! (he is fine with flying and has done many many long haul flights)
He has been tantrumming and martyring all day.
We are mystified - any explanations? DD is heartbroken and I am ready to strange the knob head.

Nothing wrong with wanting to do something special for your parent. I love treating my own parents- it makes me happy to do something nice for them as they've been the most amazing parents over the years.

I wouldn’t stand for that. Too easy to use “I had a difficult childhood” to get a free pass.

my DP had a difficult childhood. He’s permanently disabled because of his and was in care since the age of 7.

but if he was in the habit of giving me the silent treatment he’d be firmly told to snap the fuck out of it.

having a difficult childhood doesn’t give him licence to be a dick. You’re not responsible for his childhood. If he still needs that kind of outlet then he can get a therapist.

Sad to say, of the five men I have had relationships with, at least two of them were prone to these occasional inexplicable dark moods, which often occured when you have tried to do something nice for them - I remember dad's dad ruining a weekend away when I had saved up to book a luxury hotel..... My current husband can do it too, alas, and I have no idea why. It's like an extreme form of PMT and I hate it! Could be a control thing? Some kind of testosterone surge?.I'm talking rubbish I know - I simply don't know why they do it. My ex talked about a sudden black mood descending that was almost physically painful. He treated it in the end (after we split) with ADs.

@User19798

You don't seem to be answering the PPs who have asked you if you've asked him why he's so upset about this.

Have you asked him why he's so upset about this?

I think it’s a little odd she’s doing that btw. That hard earned and hard saved money should be hers and he should be ashamed of himself for accepting that gift from her in the first place. It sounds as if his place in the family is to be looked after and indulged

This.

Strange dynamic in your family.

Seems like being the "best Dad ever" is not actually selfless and you all feel he has to be rewarded and fêted.

Ime the best parents are great without their kids feeling they should "pay" for it, and the kids are typical "selfish" kids who spend their money on themselves; holidays & experiences with their friends or bf/gf ... Not their parent's dream experience. Esp when their parents can afford to do it themselves.

I would say your DD is really exceptionally "unselfish" and parent oriented, but I have to wonder if there's some odd dynamic fostered in your family.

Anyway, he's acting very poorly indeed.

Most people don't do it as young as the ops DD though.

It's unusual for young adults to do this, esp to such an extent.

If this was a woman posting, saying they feel overwhelmed or whatever is going on, the responses would be completely different.

As other posters have said, have you asked him what’s up?

Is he always like this? Or new behaviour? Any change in health? Is he sneaking around? Signs of depression?

Not excusing the behaviour- has he ever had help with his feelings during childhood?

I know I find it very very hard to accept kind gestures, compliments and I just can't deal with surprises - could this be it?

I feel like your OP was written to highlight that he might be feeling emasculated - he works in a boring job while you have your own business on a six figure salary, and your daughter has paid for him to do this thing he's always wanted to do, not he himself.

I mean I think it's a load of bollocks and he's being a stupid twat, but it makes me wonder that's what you possibly think yourself?

Interesting. I also find it lovely but unusual that your 18 year old daughter should spend so much of her time and effort on a present for her dad. Why is he being so ungracious about it?
Is the best dad ever somewhat exalted in your house? He sounds like a spoiled child.

I'd not be impressed.

He's stressed, probably nervous about the long flight, leaving dd or both but doesn't want to admit it.

Interesting that you say you've enabled a lot of this kind of behaviour so it is not new to you.

Sadly you both have been modelling this dynamic - him going into moods and you pacifying him, making him feel like the hero etc. and as a result your daughter is copying your behaviour to please him. She will continue to see her role as the enabler in her future relationships.

The best dad thing is weird - sounds like he's a Disney dad and you all are constantly praising him, ensuring he stays on his pedestral.

We have a COL crisis, how can your 18 yo daughter possibly be saving multiple stashes of money and why have you encouraged her to go to this extent for his birthday present rather than firmly tell her that's lovely but completely unnecessary

my mom has a complete melt down before any holiday. proper tantrums. She is neuro divergent and we have learned to expect and navigate them. she travels a lot so can't really understand why but think it's mostly anxiety of navigating the travelling- getting to airport on time, busy airports, finding gates etc

Sounds like he's feeling overwhelmed - maybe the lack of control over the upcoming situations? Doesn't excuse shitty behaviour but sometimes people act in weird ways for no good reason. I've been like that myself in terms of lamenting over having to get up early etc - for me it was an indication of not wanting to step outside my comfort zone or do anything that might make me slip out of my usual routine. Thankfully broken that cycle now but it can be hard. I hope they have a lovely day and the holiday goes well - I'm sure it'll all be fine when things get going.

This. Model better boundaries and making it clear it is not women’s life work to manage, explain and justify male emotional dysregulation.

Sounds like anxiety- what is he worried about? Ask him and he might find himself sounding ridiculous. Hopefully it'll calm down

I hate flying, I have flown a lot but get massively stressed so plan nothing before going away that’s out of the ordinary. Maybe I have missed it but was it a surprise gift? A whoohoo the thing you want to do is actually this Sunday?

People that have grown up in unstable households often do not like surprises. You will never be able to understand how something that is even lovely can make them feel very anxious. They like to plan and know. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour obviously.

Hope it improves?

Take DD on the holiday instead. Problem solved.

Just to echo pps... if I imagine an actual good dad (eg my FIL), he would never, ever accept one of his kids saving their hard earned cash for weeks just to buy him a day out. He'd insist on going halves at the very least. What self respecting grown man takes that kind of money off an 18yo?!

He'd also not get into such a mood that his wife seeks help from MN.

Is the thing DD has arranged some kind of 'extreme sport' experience that he might not be very good at? I can imagine me saying 'oh I'd love to do a skydive' and then be terrified if I was faced with actually having to do it because my daughter has paid a fortune for it.

Why can't his daughter save her money and spend it on her dad?
Nothing wrong with thinking about a loved one and treating them.

It's a bit sad to have your teenager spend months of savings on you

It’s certainly a bit sad to have your teenager spend months of savings on you to give you an experience you say you’ve always wanted , and for you to spend the day before ‘martyring and tantrumming’ at her because you have to get up at 8 am on a weekend, leaving said teenager ‘heartbroken’.