He wants to marry me after breaking up with me - what would you do?

[Justsounsure]

Just posting for advice really, as feel so sad that I'm so unsure about love/marriage/future of our relationship.

DP and I are going on holiday soon with family. He has 2 DC and I have 1 DS (all older teens, 15+), both our mums are coming along too. We've talked about marriage and I think that DP is planning to propose on holiday.

We've been together for 3 and a half years. We don't live together because of the teens (not wanting to disrupt them/different schools etc) but they are all growing up now. We live close by so see eachother plenty.

When we first met I had been a lone parent for many years. He had recently come out of a long marriage which ended with his ex leaving for an affair partner. I was his first date since the ex left. Looking back, I don't think he gave himself enough time to process the split from his ex and all the emotional upheaval.

Our relationship felt wonderful and I thought we were so solid and happy. I would have married him in a heartbeat. I adored him.

After two years together, he started to become distant and I knew things were going wrong but felt like he wouldn't talk to me about his feelings. We ended up arguing and he ended our relationship quite abruptly. I was devastated. Long story short, he tried to get back in contact after a few weeks but I was so upset that I said I needed time and space, and asked him not to contact me again. He then tried dating again and had a very short relationship with someone else which ended within a few weeks

After about 6 months of being apart, I decided that I missed our friendship and nice times together so I got back in contact with him and asked to be friends. We started spending time together as friends, I knew he wanted more and eventually the friendship turned back into a relationship. He told me that he hadn't been ready for commitment before, but now realises he wants me in his life forever and wants to get married.

He knows how hurt I was. I had been very hurt before by DS dad and another ex. DP knows that I worry that things will go wrong again, that he will change his mind about us again and that I'm not entirely sure about love and marriage anymore.

I came from a home with DV and my parents divorced. I was engaged to DS dad but he also had a temper, we split when DS was a baby. I always really wanted marriage and family and when I met DP I thought I had finally met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

The thing is I would really love marriage. It is important to me on many levels - my faith/beliefs, the commitment, the security, stability, building a life together, being loved/valued and we'd both be better off financially! (It's expensive running two households as single parents). But since we broke up, I just feel so disillusioned with love and marriage. It makes me sad that I've lost all of my enthusiasm and ability to love unconditionally anymore :(

I also feel like I've now brought DS up alone (in a loving, stable home) so what's the point of a husband 😆

What would you do? Has anyone else ever felt disillusioned and unable to love properly again, but stuck at it and things have worked out? Has anyone married later and loved married life (after DC have grown up and left)?

My DS is the youngest of the three DC and is doing GCSEs next year so it's only a couple of years until they'll all be off doing their own thing, so we'd probably wait a couple more years anyway.

Sorry for the essay! I don't want to break up with DP. I just don't feel all the love and certainty that I did before. I wish I did. Wish it would come back.

Hi @Justsounsure i stumbled upon your post by chance and I’m no expert but I really feel for you.
I think it’s clear from your post that your heart was broken and it’s understandable you have doubts. It’s very possible your DP didn’t give himself enough time after his divorce and that led to your breakup but equally when he has had some time recently and dated someone else it may have made him realise exactly what he has and appreciate it more than he did before.
if he proposes only you know the right decision but if you’re happy, love him and he’s treat you right what’s the harm in letting yourself trust that you’ll be happy. It doesn’t mean you have to get married soon, it doesn’t mean you have to get married at all- although I know it’s important to you.
your son’s about to do his GCSEs and there’s absolutely no reason you can’t think weddings after that.
I hope it all works out!

I don't want to break up with DP. I just don't feel all the love and certainty that I did before

Don't you want to be with someone you do feel that for, though? Why do you want to stay, if it's not the same, if it's not what you want?

Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me.

DP has said that he realised what he lost and realised he would rather be with nobody if he couldn't be with me. I think it really was a case of not knowing what single life was like (he had been married for a long time from being young - we both had our children fairly young) and I think he wanted to see what else was out there/see if the grass was greener.

I kind of understand that. But he didn't explain it all at the time. He just started distancing himself and then broke up with me abruptly when I got upset.

Watchkeys - I did feel love and certainty for DP before. I feel like after the break up my heart just closed down and I haven't been able to open it up again in the way that I would like to.

I also know that I may never meet anyone else. I was single for over 10 years at the age when everyone was getting married etc. I'm okay looking, have a career, have been a devoted mum but I just couldn't find anyone to be with - I tried online dating so many times but never met anyone (until DP) and got so down about it. So I know that it's not that easy to meet someone.

I know it's not a reason to marry DP, but it definitely makes me want to work on the relationship. I am happy with him - much happier together than apart (and I'm pretty independent). We get on well, he's loving and affectionate and treats me very kindly. Drawbacks are that he finds it hard to talk about things emotionally - but I know that about him now and I know he is trying to improve that. I can also be quite insecure and I'm trying to improve that.

If he propose tell him no, is a question not a command. If you are happy as you are, why not continuing like you are?
I wouldn't marry anyone that had left me in the past.

But you're right - I do want to be with someone that I feel love and certainty for...

It's all a bit sad. DP says he loves me and I have been unable to say it back since we got back together. I think I do, but just can't say it out loud. He has been very patient with me. It's nearly a year since we rekindled the friendship/relationship.

Anyway, he might not propose. But he has talked about it and not so subtly measured my finger. Guess I just need to sort out my feelings and work out what they actually are.

I think you’re very hard on yourself, granted I do not know you at all but you sound hard on yourself. You absolutely deserve unconditional off the scale love 😊
agree the dating world can be tough and online is imo hideous although it’s been along time since I’ve used it- but I don’t imagine it’s got any better.
no relationship is perfect and they all take work after the initial lovey dovey stage and you seem to know each other well and what you’re working on.
its such a personal situation and decision, if it doesn’t work out I have no doubt you’d find someone but if you love him and if you want it to work out I just think don’t throw everything away.
there’s absolutely nothing stopping you ending things in a month, in 6 months if your not happy. Don’t let your insecurity push you out of it but equally if you’re staying because you don’t think you’ll find love elsewhere that’s different - put yourself first even if you’re on your own a while and take the risk.

Have to agree with @Epidote though you can continue as you are. If you’re not in a position right now to know you love him, marriage maybe isn’t the best answer and plasters over the cracks.

in your last post you said he’s been very patient with me- and so he should. There’s no clock on when you should feel a certain way. Especially if he put the doubt in your mind.

good luck x

You’re clearly not ready to say yes to a proposal. That’s ok, isn’t it?
It sounds like you need to sort through everything you have learned about relationships, and learn to trust yourself- that you would leave if a situation got bad.

There are no guarantees in any relationship. It sounds like the early days of your relationship was a time of learning for both of you.

Yes I think you're all right. I can't say yes when I'm so unsure. I guess I don't want to say 'no' forever, don't want to lose him/break up, but definitely need more time. I guess that if he really is in it for the long haul then he will stick around until I decide (however long that takes). And if not, then he's just another man that upped and left.

Thank you all so much. It's really helping to get perspective and sort out my feelings.

I also feel like I've now brought DS up alone (in a loving, stable home) so what's the point of a husband 😆
Well quite!

It sounds like he still has a way to go to earn back your trust fully and continuing as you are is the best thing for you just now and maybe for the longer term too.

Romantic love should never be unconditional.

I know you’ve said you are worried he will “change his mind about you” but to be honest he never did that in the first place. It was about you and it never was- he just wasn’t ready for commitment before but then he realised pretty quickly that actually when he took that space to think he realised he wanted you and wants you forever.

Speak to him before the holiday- it would be a real shame to have him propose in front of the kids and the mums and have you say no. You’re both old enough to forgo the big proposal thing and have an honest discussion. Marriage IS important to you, you’ve said so here and it sounds like there are many many reasons to say Yes. But if you don’t WANT to then you don’t need any other reason than that. So do you? Maybe the way to have security and belief in the relationship is to actually say yes and go for it. How does that feel? Trust your gut- this isn’t your mum and dad’s relationship, this isn’t your ex relationships. This is you and him…

Good advice above. But you and another poster have mentioned unconditional love. Only love for children should be unconditional. Love between adults has to be conditional because you have to be willing to walk away from another adult if they treat you badly or if they don’t meet your needs. You need to be able to take your love back. So I don’t think it’s helpful to think in terms of unconditional love for another adult.

If you are really not up for making a decision on it yet, wasn't it a bit unwise to enter into a family holiday involving your mother's? Could you have joked away the measuring of your finger? Really you should be dropping hints left right and centre ( men being crap at hints) that this is not the time to be asked, otherwise it sets him up for embarrassment, or pushes you into saying yes when you'd rather not have to yet.
Be subtle as a brick " so and so just got engaged, so glad we are not at that stage yet though, I'm happy as we are these days".

So you’ve been back together a year?

I think that’s too early to know - you clearly aren’t sure at all. If he proposes I would say you are touched but want to see how the next couple years go. So after your son’s GCSEs you can see how you both feel.

If he is genuine he will give you that time. You cannot split up a relationship and not expect it to take time for trust to return.

This is also a good point -

Yes, I was thinking maybe I should pre-empt things before we go away and tell him I'm not ready. He already asked me when we first got back together (without a ring/no fanfare/just asked in the living room) but I said no - said I wanted him to wait, be sure, think about things properly, said I didn't really believe him etc. We'd only just got back together then.

I think that he wants to ask again 'properly' to show his commitment.

He wouldn't do it in front of the DC or our mums, but he would definitely tell them all straight away.

I'm going to talk to him. Lay out all my feelings. Hope it doesn't ruin things.

Talking is always good. But to be brutally honest I wonder if you know you don’t really want to be married in which case aren’t you a little too old to hang around in a relationship without a future? It’s been a year… you say you said no right away and asked him for time. He’s given you that, and to be frank, if you don’t trust him now or see marriage then I don’t think you ever will.
If you were in your twenties or early 30s I’d maybe see the delay, but as it is- you’ve been together 3-4 years now so you’ve got your answer. I think you know.

We've taken the DC on holiday before so they're used to it :)
Before COVID DPs mum used to go on the occasional holiday with them. She was happy to come along this time, so I thought it would be nice if my mum could come too.
Might be a disaster! 😂 But we've got all inclusive and apartments so everyone can do their own thing if they're sick of eachother.

Think I need to think about things (and go to sleep)...
I'm so grateful for all of your advice. It really helps as I've been turning things over in my mind and not coming out with any conclusions.

It probably all boils down to me wanting him to propose, wanting to love him fully again, wanting to get married without fear, but I am afraid that it will all go wrong (and then I'll be in a pickle). If I carry on as I am, in my own house and pretty independent, then I won't get hurt but I also won't have a really fulfilled life with a life partner (in my head anyway).

Need to work out what's most important. To be honest, I think DP knows all of this but is hoping to change my mind.

Thank you all so much. I'll read all your advice again in the morning

Thank you @Anna531 x

Trust is essential in any relationship, without that love is not really possible. Whatever his reasons for leaving before, he has destroyed that for you. Do not just settle and marry him just because it feels like your only option at the moment. Tell him you’re not ready to take the relationship down that road at the moment, enjoy it for what it is, wait a couple of years, if you’re still not feeling it you may have to consider he is not the one for you.
In my own experience it is very hard to rekindle a relationship after it has previously ended, it is never quite the same.

Yes he destroyed the trust for me.

In some ways I feel like the relationship is healthier as I no longer think he is perfect and tend to put myself first a lot more e.g. spending the day with a friend instead of DP.

You're right, I will say I'm not ready and give it a couple more years. Maybe the love will grow in a less passionate but more enduring way. If not, then I'll see how I feel at the time

This. If something started on a wrong footing, I.e you were a rebound for him and also he hurt you by suddenly leaving, the foundations might not be in place for a stable marriage. I also think your desire to be married is blinding you and making you cling to this man.

I'd also be concerned at how he dealt with things before and if he'd do that again. I'm not sure if this bloke is a good match. I've recently ended a relationship with someone very similar. It isn't really the same after the trust has gone. I let him dump me 4 times before I realised I'd rather be single. I think you can do better.