He wants to marry me after breaking up with me - what would you do?

[Justsounsure]

Just posting for advice really, as feel so sad that I'm so unsure about love/marriage/future of our relationship.

DP and I are going on holiday soon with family. He has 2 DC and I have 1 DS (all older teens, 15+), both our mums are coming along too. We've talked about marriage and I think that DP is planning to propose on holiday.

We've been together for 3 and a half years. We don't live together because of the teens (not wanting to disrupt them/different schools etc) but they are all growing up now. We live close by so see eachother plenty.

When we first met I had been a lone parent for many years. He had recently come out of a long marriage which ended with his ex leaving for an affair partner. I was his first date since the ex left. Looking back, I don't think he gave himself enough time to process the split from his ex and all the emotional upheaval.

Our relationship felt wonderful and I thought we were so solid and happy. I would have married him in a heartbeat. I adored him.

After two years together, he started to become distant and I knew things were going wrong but felt like he wouldn't talk to me about his feelings. We ended up arguing and he ended our relationship quite abruptly. I was devastated. Long story short, he tried to get back in contact after a few weeks but I was so upset that I said I needed time and space, and asked him not to contact me again. He then tried dating again and had a very short relationship with someone else which ended within a few weeks

After about 6 months of being apart, I decided that I missed our friendship and nice times together so I got back in contact with him and asked to be friends. We started spending time together as friends, I knew he wanted more and eventually the friendship turned back into a relationship. He told me that he hadn't been ready for commitment before, but now realises he wants me in his life forever and wants to get married.

He knows how hurt I was. I had been very hurt before by DS dad and another ex. DP knows that I worry that things will go wrong again, that he will change his mind about us again and that I'm not entirely sure about love and marriage anymore.

I came from a home with DV and my parents divorced. I was engaged to DS dad but he also had a temper, we split when DS was a baby. I always really wanted marriage and family and when I met DP I thought I had finally met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

The thing is I would really love marriage. It is important to me on many levels - my faith/beliefs, the commitment, the security, stability, building a life together, being loved/valued and we'd both be better off financially! (It's expensive running two households as single parents). But since we broke up, I just feel so disillusioned with love and marriage. It makes me sad that I've lost all of my enthusiasm and ability to love unconditionally anymore :(

I also feel like I've now brought DS up alone (in a loving, stable home) so what's the point of a husband 😆

What would you do? Has anyone else ever felt disillusioned and unable to love properly again, but stuck at it and things have worked out? Has anyone married later and loved married life (after DC have grown up and left)?

My DS is the youngest of the three DC and is doing GCSEs next year so it's only a couple of years until they'll all be off doing their own thing, so we'd probably wait a couple more years anyway.

Sorry for the essay! I don't want to break up with DP. I just don't feel all the love and certainty that I did before. I wish I did. Wish it would come back.

Yes, that's all true @Takenoprisoner

In other areas of life, I think he is so reliable, steady and dependable, and predictable. I don't know if his sudden decision to break up with me was a 'blip' - like a culmination of all of his emotions after his divorce - and out of character. Or if it is something that could happen again.

That's why it has been hard for me to fully trust him and give him my heart fully again. I have kept a bit back for myself.

The trust is definitely growing. I would never give 100% trust again to any man. I would always keep a bit back. I think that is actually important for me personally as I get very attached (I don't think I grew up with a very healthy model of a relationship and my relationship with DS dad was very poor - I came out of it totally broken emotionally and with rock bottom self esteem).

I think he would be much more likely to talk things through with me now if we had problems as he knows he threw a grenade into the situation and then saw all the harm it did. I also think that I would never get so anxiously attached again. So I think it is easier now for both of us to discuss problems between us in a calmer and more constructive way.

There have definitely been positives that have come out of the break up. Even though he broke up with me, the two years we had together before the break up definitely built up my sense of self worth and I felt loved and valued by someone for the first time in forever! Even though I was devastated by the break up, I came out more sure of myself. So definitely some positives.

Telling all you lovely people has really helped me clarify things in my mind, so thank you!

Thank you @Fmlgirl :)

Honestly, I think people are giving your partner a very hard time on here. He got cold feet, didn't handle it particularly well but seems really fully invested in your relationship now. And this is the crucial bit- he otherwise sounds really great and good to you and for you. Not perfect but who is? I'm 50 and single and very glad I'm not actively looking because let me tell you, what's out there is not so great. Its not about 'settling' but about being realistic. He sounds a basically good man who could maybe do with some work on the emotional intelligence side and maybe some counselling for him or both of you might be an idea.

Yes he's really not that great at talking about difficult feelings, he gets tongue-tied. And when I got very emotional before, he kind of ran away! (Didn't actually run away, but he might as well have 😂). He had counselling on his own after his marriage before I knew him and said it helped, so I think he would be open to that.

I do think if we married I would have to accept the way he is. People improve but they don't really change do they. So I have to accept that talking emotions is hard for him and find other ways of communicating and resolving issues I think.

Thank you all so much though. I don't really have anyone irl I feel like I could tell and get sound advice from.

There's DM, but she has strong opinions about things sometimes, and sometimes I don't want to hear her opinions! She seems to like him well enough (she hated DS dad).