He wants to marry me after breaking up with me - what would you do?

[Justsounsure]

Just posting for advice really, as feel so sad that I'm so unsure about love/marriage/future of our relationship.

DP and I are going on holiday soon with family. He has 2 DC and I have 1 DS (all older teens, 15+), both our mums are coming along too. We've talked about marriage and I think that DP is planning to propose on holiday.

We've been together for 3 and a half years. We don't live together because of the teens (not wanting to disrupt them/different schools etc) but they are all growing up now. We live close by so see eachother plenty.

When we first met I had been a lone parent for many years. He had recently come out of a long marriage which ended with his ex leaving for an affair partner. I was his first date since the ex left. Looking back, I don't think he gave himself enough time to process the split from his ex and all the emotional upheaval.

Our relationship felt wonderful and I thought we were so solid and happy. I would have married him in a heartbeat. I adored him.

After two years together, he started to become distant and I knew things were going wrong but felt like he wouldn't talk to me about his feelings. We ended up arguing and he ended our relationship quite abruptly. I was devastated. Long story short, he tried to get back in contact after a few weeks but I was so upset that I said I needed time and space, and asked him not to contact me again. He then tried dating again and had a very short relationship with someone else which ended within a few weeks

After about 6 months of being apart, I decided that I missed our friendship and nice times together so I got back in contact with him and asked to be friends. We started spending time together as friends, I knew he wanted more and eventually the friendship turned back into a relationship. He told me that he hadn't been ready for commitment before, but now realises he wants me in his life forever and wants to get married.

He knows how hurt I was. I had been very hurt before by DS dad and another ex. DP knows that I worry that things will go wrong again, that he will change his mind about us again and that I'm not entirely sure about love and marriage anymore.

I came from a home with DV and my parents divorced. I was engaged to DS dad but he also had a temper, we split when DS was a baby. I always really wanted marriage and family and when I met DP I thought I had finally met the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

The thing is I would really love marriage. It is important to me on many levels - my faith/beliefs, the commitment, the security, stability, building a life together, being loved/valued and we'd both be better off financially! (It's expensive running two households as single parents). But since we broke up, I just feel so disillusioned with love and marriage. It makes me sad that I've lost all of my enthusiasm and ability to love unconditionally anymore :(

I also feel like I've now brought DS up alone (in a loving, stable home) so what's the point of a husband 😆

What would you do? Has anyone else ever felt disillusioned and unable to love properly again, but stuck at it and things have worked out? Has anyone married later and loved married life (after DC have grown up and left)?

My DS is the youngest of the three DC and is doing GCSEs next year so it's only a couple of years until they'll all be off doing their own thing, so we'd probably wait a couple more years anyway.

Sorry for the essay! I don't want to break up with DP. I just don't feel all the love and certainty that I did before. I wish I did. Wish it would come back.

It’s too soon for you to trust fully. You can understand the reasons he needed the break but he needs to understand that you need time for the trust to build back up. It isn’t something that can be just switched on again. You just need time to see that he’s fully committed and that it won’t happen again.

Hope it works out.

The break will hopefully be better for you both in the long run as he’s now exorcised all his doubts and hangovers from his marriage. Keep that in the back of your mind. It is probably a good thing to have happened… (although was hard to live through, for you at the time)

Listen to your gut feeling. When u think about him and getting married. What’s ur gut telling u. I’m going through a tough time with my partner atm and doing a lot of soul searching ur gut won’t let u down. If yes I’ll marry u isn’t the first thing in ur head when u think of marriage to him then it’s probably not what u want. Take the kids out of the scenario think of you and think of u both. Sorry if that’s a load of waffle but think about ur gut feelings. Won’t let u down

I have to say when men have broken off with me and seriously hurt me, when we have got back together I never felt the same about them. I tried getting engaged to one who left and in the end I felt nothing. I think when they hurt us we lose a lot of the love for them and for me I didn’t get it back. Just be careful you aren’t trying to feel what you did before when you don’t. I think when they leave us and upset us we can’t ever feel the same again 🥺

Totally understand why you are having second thoughts but always remember that 'Not yet' is a valid response to a marriage proposal. Maybe you just need more time to rebuild and reevaluate the relationship. Marriage is not a deal breaker to a relationship - you can just be life partners without the legalities etc.

Hey OP I'm a lone parent and have been for 13 years with a DD14.

I've been with my partner 4 years and we don't live together yet for similar reasons you pointed out.

Take your time, and I say this for a few reasons. Blending your family needs to be done at the right time for you and the DC.

I think you are right to leave it another couple of years.

Also from a tax position and assets be very careful.

Yes the assets bit is another worry - DS and I struggled a lot when he was little and everything felt insecure while I was trying to work/manage everything/pay rent etc. I have my own house now (with an affordable mortgage) so I'm very fortunate, it's just small but it's ours, so it feels 'safe'.

DP and I earn similar amounts and assets wise we're not that different really, but I still worry if we moved in together and married and then broke up, I'd have to start again and prob be worse off after a split (albeit with some equity).

I'm not really sure about what the tax situation means...I'm not sure what would change. (Other than not getting 25% off council tax). What sort of thing are you thinking of?

If we married and moved in together and everything worked out well, then we would both be better off and I'd be able to help DS a bit with starting out in life - so that's a positive.

We talked about the next couple of years/moving etc today. We agreed that we should wait until the younger two are finishing school/college and have a better idea of what they'd like to do in life. So that's 2-3 years. I feel better about things. We didn't discuss marriage but if DP does go ahead and propose, I have decided that I will say 'yes, but not yet'. That's already understood between us anyway I think. It gives DP my commitment to him and the relationship and it gives me and the DC plenty of time. If things do not feel right when the time comes, we can re-evaluate then I guess.

I realised that when I don't see DP for a couple of days then I start to have doubts, but when I see him I feel more sure about us.

Thank you all for your help and advice!

Tax position is more flexible if you stay unmarried. You will also protect your asset for your DC.

For example if my partner and I married we would be paying a lot more tax when he sells his property.

We won't marry until our 60s because he now property develops, you can do that every two years and remaining unmarried is a better tax situation.

But your main concern I would say is protecting your DC and assets. And, sorry to say, your will or death insurance will go to your DC.

Plus if it's not broken don't try and change it, I've really enjoyed my relationship with my partner because we've been in our own homes for several years and it works well. Looks like you are going to do the same for the time being.

I would wait ... I think tell him your not ready.

I do wonder why he was so distant with your and broke up abruptly. Personally I won't trust him again.

I had a similar experience with an ex (minus kids). He broke up with me abruptly and no real reason I knew of at the time. I was so upset, but after sometime we got back together as things were familiar and I was in love with him.

But as time moved on, I realised we were not right with each other and broke it off. We meet again to have a heart to heart and see if we could try again.

Turns out the reason for the first abrupt break up was his ex-gf. They had been messaging and in contact. I never saw him again after the heart to heart.

You’re not sure you actually love or trust him, so I wouldnt say yes. That’s on him really isn’t it.

all your reasons for getting married, at least in your op are because you want a stable home and a happy marriage. You describe your dream idea of a home and marriage, but you describe it entirly separately from your relationship with him. As though you want the marriage and see him as the only way to get it. But If you don’t already have that with him, getting married won’t change that.
also you already have a stable home, you created that all by yourself! You don’t need a man or a marriage certificate to confirm it.

i think don’t stress, maybe tell him before, just drop it in that you’re happy you’ve decided to hold off on marriage discussions or something, save yourself both the awkwardness of a rejected proposal. But don’t say yes if you’re not sure. It’ll either become clear that you do want to marry him or that you don’t.

That's all so true @Pumpkindoodles ...quite difficult for me to read as I had never thought about it in that way, but it is true that I have a dream idea of home, marriage and family! I have a career, but the dream marriage and family was always what my heart was set on, although things didn't work out that way in the end.

To be fair to DP, I do feel like we have elements of my 'dream marriage' i.e. I feel loved and valued, it feels stable, feels like we've got plans together for the future. I do feel like the trust is growing again as time goes by, but I do need more time for sure.

Marriage just seems to become quite complicated when you're a bit older! Like jeaux90 points out with tax..I hadn't considered things like capital gains tax once you're married, and then there's protecting DS inheritance.

Anyway, had better go. DS has come downstairs and making himself dinner no.2! 😆

Thank you to PPs who have shared their stories of heartbreak and trying again. It's definitely hard to love and trust again, and doesn't feel quite the same. But weirdly, although I have felt less sure of the relationship, I actually feel much more sure of myself, which is odd but quite a good thing!

Get a pre nup and make a will in favour of your son.

So I do have a Will at the moment, which states that DS is the beneficiary of our house. My pension doesn't allow me to nominate a dependent (only a spouse).

If I were to marry, I know a shared house would pass to the surviving spouse. But would you then re-write your Will to say that you want X percentage of a shared house to go to DCs 1,2 and 3 after both spouses die? DP has his 2 DC to protect as well so I guess he would be in the same position. Any inheritance from my mum (God forbid), I was planning to give straight to DS anyway for a house deposit.

What would you specify in a pre-nup? Apart from equity in my house, I don't really have anything of monetary value. No savings and a not so great work place pension.

If you and he buy a house together do it as tenants in common with the % owned by each of you stated. So no ,a shared house does not go automatically to a spouse. Your % of the house will go as and when it is sold. That could be sooner or later depending on what you do about life interests in the property. You may also wish to state that any inheritances that come in during the marriage belong to the person concerned. As you say he is in the same position.

My mum and stepdad did a mirror will tenants in common leaving their money and share of the house to their own children, but with the surviving spouse being able to still live in the house until they die. They left some money to each other in the wills also. My mum died first and we were then the owners of her half.

Thank you both, that's really helpful info to know

The only problem with a mirror will is that it can be changed after one partner dies. The survivor can then do what they want.

The more you post OP the more I think you really should not marry him.

Socialisation does a real number on women, that we should want to live with a man and marry him.

But the truth is research shows that women are happier when they don't.

My previous posts were practical, but I think there is also a feminist angle to my view on it. We bring up our kids on our own, buy a house, have a career, create good lives for our DC, why marry?

If he proposed then I would suggest you insist on getting some couples counselling to clear the air about your feelings and the breakup/reconciliation. If you say yes but not yet then you can frame the counselling as ensuring your relationship is sound before marrying and that you are secure with your feelings about the breakup so it doesn't cause problems down the line.

@Mycatsarethebest ...if you buy as tenants in common and each leave your share of the house to your own DC, can that bit be changed later by the surviving spouse?

I think I would feel more confident about things if I knew that we could each leave our share to our own DC and that the surviving spouse can stay in the home as long as they want.

@jeaux90 yes I completely understand what you're saying. I spent years wishing I had a husband while DS was growing up and imagining how wonderful it would be! But now I've done all the hard work. DS and I had some lovely times and we're very close, and I think I've done a pretty decent job. A husband might have been a nuisance :) and I certainly don't need one now.

I think my attachment to marriage is based partly on a childish dream imagining life would be like little house on the prairie 😂. And also partly on faith. I'm not really religious but it does still hold a special place in my heart. In my mind, the marriage vows are to God first (and your husband second) and I do think that a happy marriage can give a woman a solid base to flourish from - I don't know how to explain that very well!

I understand not everyone shares those beliefs. I was going to read through the vows again before we go away and ask myself honestly if I really could fulfil each and everyone of them without doubt...haven't done that yet!

Incidentally, my mum was encouraging me to move in with DP a couple of weeks ago (I've not mentioned anything about marriage to her). In her words 'your life would be so much easier' - meaning we'd have a bit of money and some help with everything in general.

I guess if I was going to marry any man, DP would be a wonderful choice - he's honest, reliable, considerate, not at all lazy (I particularly like that bit), affectionate, cares about family and DC a lot, straight forward and I do feel like he loves and values me. Not so good points are that, in the past, he shut me out rather than talk to me about things and he is decisive - so when he makes a decision about something then he's kind of decided and sorted in his own head which is positive sometimes and negative other times depending on what the decision is about!

Yes I do apologise for my earlier misleading comment. Your will requirements will stand and cannot be changed by your spouse.

It was the phrase "mirror wills" that confused me as usually Mirror Wills are the standard Wills a couple may make which simply mirror each other. Typically, they may say for example, upon the death of one party everything will fall to the other and then upon second death, onto their children

Thank you @Mycatsarethebest :)

You sound lovely. He doesn’t sound mature and very fickle. Why does he jump from woman to woman and always needs to be with someone? I would ask myself this. I think the relationship you want is out there but not with a guy like that.

Marriage is a legal arrangement which society covers up with a pretty good smoke screen of looking socially acceptable. You are agreeing to share all your assets with another person and they have a legal right to them. Choose carefully. Unfortunately vows do not really cover this bit, it is sort of glossed over.

I agree with everything here. The impulsiveness alone would make me feel insecure and that he could end the relationship any time. If he finds it difficult to talk through issues that's cause for concern.

It's really good that you now prioritise yourself over him, are investing in your friendships and aren't putting all your emotional eggs into his basket, so to speak. That's a healthy attitude to a relationship. There are a lot of positives that have come about for you from the break up and make up, so it has served an important purpose.