Making friends - where are all the women in their 30s?

[EarthSight]

As a single woman without children, who'd like to meet women of a similar age to me (30s), that live locally (at least in the same county)....where do I go? Almost everyone I've seen in volunteering groups (joined several), craft classes, swimming groups, ramblers/ walking and fitness groups, are all at least 65 years old and above. I can't join events orientated at young families or turn-up to play areas because well...I don't have kids!

However, I used to live in a city for years, and most people used to turn up to events in pairs or small groups. They seemingly had little interest in making conversation with anyone else, and I really don't blame them. It was the same in gym or fitness glasses - many people just want to put their headphones on and go home.

Ah, I am really feeling this at the mo - two of my closest friends recently emigrated, and it’s dawning on me that it would be wise to start doing more socially and build up a few more people to call for a coffee/chat as and when. Making long lasting connections is more difficult, but I keep telling myself those friendships all started somewhere. At the moment, I feel it would be really nice to have some friends to navigate being happily childfree in your mid-30s and all that comes with it!

I have recently thought it would be fun to join or start a film club in my area - I’ve tasked myself with doing some research and maybe going along to ones already up and running. It’s worth a go :-)

I am in a similar boat OP. Although I do have 2 young DC. I'm also in Wales!
Unfortunately I was unwell from about 15 - 25. I'm now 31 and well but I missed out on building friends and friendship groups because I spent stretches of time in hospital and I didn't attend university etc. It's very difficult and lonely. Even at baby groups etc everyone is with a friend or something.

Its really difficult in your 30s, and can be lonely. Most people are just focused on their kids, families, work, home. Rather than try and make friends and then do something with them, I found it best to do it the other way round, ie find an interest and then go and do it with others who are already doing it. The gym is useless, it needs to be an interactive group activity. Dance fit, choir, park run organising committee, drumming band. I did join a walking group but my politics didn't align with a lot of the older members which made things awkward! I too found lots of the online groups are full of people who never actually go to anything, so ask around for active groups. Rather than looking to click with people, just go along consistently every week and eventually you will count them as friends. The good news is that now I am in my 50s women seem to have more time and want to spend it doing things together. My friends who had children have time to focus on friendships again, and we all have more in common.

I'm mid 40s and feel the same, my friends all have their own lives and are busy. I see them a few times a year.

I go to the gym, do classes and have people I chat to but none have become friends yet. I've made friends at work but because we all live so far apart seeing each other outside the office is tricky and takes organisation.

What I've noticed though, those who are in clubs be it sports clubs or book clubs have people they go out with. Maybe that's where I need to look.

I've just signed up for Parkrun thanks to a pp up thread, I'm not a runner but thought about volunteering. I've also thought about volunteering at the local rugby and cricket clubs before so may give that a go.

I'm not the target age group but just wanted to say thanks to @BlanketStripey and @EarthSight for their comments.

I am now seeing neighbours bonding over pets a lot. I think that may also be an example of "what can someone offer". Someone on another thread said that people don't seem to value friendship for friendship any more and I feel like's very much the case. I spent a couple of years feeling like it must be my fault but increasingly realise it's not.

I keep thinking I've made peace it with but then get lonely again.

tbh this thread was a bit of an eye opener in that I now realise there'll be an age factor to deal with as well. Pp have mentioned being childfree, which I think is a huge factor in having a connection but there's age mentioned in there too. I don't look my age (really) but am open about it and honestly feel
i saw a look of horror on one neighbour's face when it came out (talking about a particular time period in music).

When I lived in London in my late twenties I used a site called Citysocialising, or something like that. I doubt it is still running, but I bet there are alternatives. It was a bit like dating, but for friends, and I met some good friends that way who I am still in touch with (14 years later!!)

Great suggestions. Think everyone so busy now.. I met a school mam but she took weeks to commit. Same with others too. The dog is great as it gets me out not relying on others

@Coffeecaketoday

Wales has a population of around 3million. The rest of the U.K has around 64 million. I haven't counted the posts yet but there seems to be a disproportionate amount women responding to this thread who live in Wales. It doesn't mention Wales in the title so it's not like people scanned the threads and clicked because of that. I wonder if this more of a problem in Wales specifically, or any rural area.

@EmmaEmerald Having children doesn't guarantee you friends of course. There's also added complexities and all sorts of politics that comes along with that and socialising with other mums, but it does put you more in situations where you will at least meet people who are vaguely in the same age group or stage of life as you are. There are so, so many fun-sounding and interesting events that are geared towards families who have babies or primary aged school kids in particular. Seems to be more of them in the countryside....(which is interesting given the ageing population we have), but it means that people will look at you as if you are weirdo if you turn up to them without a child with you.
People say 'well volunteer for those events' but I'm not really childless by choice, and don't want to rub this in my own face and be reminded of it by going to such events and being surrounded by young families and children. 😢

They'r all too busy to socialise much, I find.

Try Lonely girls club - meets in Manchester London Nottingham and online 🙂

Let me know if you find the answer to this! Making friends as an adult is so hard unless it's at work. I think people do get quite set in their social circles at a certain point. Things like a hobby group rarely turn out like I hope. I do wonder if it's me as I don't think I'm a natural conversation starter, and I see other people able to just start up talking to someone new so naturally.
I did meet some nice people in a walking group for 20s/30s once. It was a big group so always lots of people on the walks and I started to see the same faces over and over and got friendly. But no particularly meaningful relationships were formed that lasted long when I couldn't go on group walks anymore.

Sorry OP I'm afraid I meant it the other way round...

In that, there's posters here, and IRL, that say they are childfree (I forget that if you're not childfree, you might know the lingo, but childfree usually means by choice) and for me, that's an automatic draw to a person - society really judges a childfree woman and it can be isolating when everyone has kids and wants you to be fascinated by them.

But this thread has made me twig those people might now decide I'm boring based on my age, which hadn't occurred to me. Maybe I'm dumb for not thinking of that.

I dated a much younger man last year - controversial on MN but seemingly much less so IRL - and one of the biggest draws was that he was as properly childfree as I was at that age - clearly not interested and never going to, though no one believes you (🎤when you are young, they assume you know nothing). He's now experiencing the frustration of getting told all sorts because of not wanting kids, and will have that issue in dating in future.

So yes, now I'm thinking, if I go to meet people and find my tribe, will they be shocked at my age, particularly with all the peri stereotyping going on atm.

But I am sorry for your situation.

I debated whether or not it was right to come back and clarify, but thought I ought to as sometimes people run with a wrong idea online.

I'm very sad that friends didn't re-emerge as their kids got older though.

Sorry for my waffle and I hope you find the friends you're looking for.

39 here, no kids and single.

From warwickshire.

I created a ladies facebook group and there are all sorts of people on there. I've also made friends at work and in the gym.

@EmmaEmerald I’m mid 30s and have no reservations about making older friends at all. Thinking about it, I actually feel more comfortable around older women in some ways.

Have you been to any of the meet ups? I was thinking about it but everyone looks quite young and I don't want to be the old gal of the group!

@EmmaEmerald your post about blaming yourself and making peace but then being lonely again is so like me. I need to stop blaming myself because I know logically that my friends have kids and jobs but I can’t help but feel it’s somehow me

I agree that friends don’t have to be the same age.. I haven’t been to any events yet, but I saw this advertised… The wildish club

This quote struck a chord for this thread!

Not sure if anyone can relate - generally happy going to things solo, but often is a bit of a "vibe" directed at solo women which means it can be diminishing returns.

Like pps say, the standard "these seats are taken" line, being edged out of a conversation, or someone ("there's always one") feeling verbally aggressive and in group dynamics, its easiest to pick at a solo woman.

And if you react, then your reaction is seen as being dramatic so you feel even more isolated.

(And then you have the weirdo creepy blokes lurking on the sidelines who are trying to use the meet for dating!).

I (hope) I'm reasonably polite and easygoing and happy to start talking first, but I'm definitely geared to be quite reclusive for the time being and focus on the things I know I like solo.

Just for anyone else, I have actually found Instagram and Tiktok good for finding lots of tips on staying in and doing self-care.

I thought they were just for tanned young celebrities selling energy drinks and computer games, but they can actually have some nice content for us older types.

I've been using IG for a year and my feed is now full of wholesome introverted types staying in along with me :-)

Hi OP,

Obviously not asking you to give me your address but would be curious to know which part of Wales you live in. I'm in North West Wales. As it happens, I am actually pregnant but one of my very good friends is in your exact position. I met up with her last night and she's found groups with some like minded individuals in her age bracket. Has a meet up with them tonight in fact! So if you're in the North, feel free to PM me for further details.

Despite the pregnancy, and the knowledge I'll be a bit more housebound because of it, I'm also keen for my social circle not to shrink too and am always up for meeting new friends around my age in my area(ish) as I know how tough it can be living rurally with few people about!

Gosh the new penny comment is brutal but I can see some truth in it.

A rural area is always going to be more of a problem because it’s a number game. It’s like this thread which has dozens of posters. There really are probably lots of perfectly ok women on it but who would you genuinely click with?

Have you tried bumble bff?

Same - some of the best characters I’ve known were quite a lot older than me and often more comfortable in their own skin than younger people.