Making friends - where are all the women in their 30s?

[EarthSight]

As a single woman without children, who'd like to meet women of a similar age to me (30s), that live locally (at least in the same county)....where do I go? Almost everyone I've seen in volunteering groups (joined several), craft classes, swimming groups, ramblers/ walking and fitness groups, are all at least 65 years old and above. I can't join events orientated at young families or turn-up to play areas because well...I don't have kids!

However, I used to live in a city for years, and most people used to turn up to events in pairs or small groups. They seemingly had little interest in making conversation with anyone else, and I really don't blame them. It was the same in gym or fitness glasses - many people just want to put their headphones on and go home.

Thanks @SoRainbowRhythms .

It's just been nice to hear 'yes it's hard' by other women on here that are the same age.

Its def hard. My friend in a retired group. Said one was keeping seats for her friends. I was thinking hard to break into those cliques. My group is small now few friends i keep it to that

I’m in the same boat in wales, it’s hard!

Get the meetup app. It started in the UK but I've read its international these days.
They have walking and social groups that are specifically 30's -40's.

It is hard, I’m older but the problem is still there. A lot of my friends drifted away when they had children (I don’t have kids so I didn’t fit into their new lives of play dates/day time coffees etc) and Covid kiboshed other friendships be use our lives diverged too much for too long. Others have gone by the wayside because of, well life really - moving for new jobs or whatever.

I’ve tried Meetup but most groups are either for 20/30 somethings (so I’m too old) or, from the photos, are mostly attended by retired people. Nowt wrong with that but I’d like friends who are at least vaguely at the same stage of life as me.

So I’m trying Bumble For Friends.

I’m 36, married with 3 kids, but have no friends.
I have colleagues but nothing social or friendship.
Say a brief few words to other kids parents, but nothing to turn into a friendship.
Me and my husband never made friends with other couples. He goes out with people from his work.
I feel extremely lonely, my kids are getting older and I can’t stand my husband anymore. I only have my parents and grandparents nearby.
I have tried looking at local groups, but nothing that is suitable.

How about a library-run book group?

Or a choir? I'm in a women's choir set up for mums with babies / toddlers with them. Some of us bring babies with us (they play, we sing), but many of us don't, first and foremost we're a group of women enjoying a hobby together. Mostly in our 30s and 40s. There are over 35 of us now meeting weekly.

That sounds difficult, and it’s why I always beg women to maintain friendships after they get married or have kids but I appreciate for some it’s not possible and out with their control eg. Friends ghosting them.

Anyway, have you considered trying bumble for friends? There was quite a few married with kids women on it in their 30s.

I agree it is hard.

I'd definitely find things you can do solo for self-soothing. I take an online class and do online meditation which is quite chilled.

I'm with pps - the trick is to find something you can bear doing and keep on regularly physically turning up provided its "ok".

Of course if its really clichey and clearly your face doesn't fit, trust your instincts and move it along.

I think often people in this age range are busy and want to see others as part of an activity or a "situational" thing rather than making a 1-1 time commitment with someone

(Especially if you're not super well-connected or extroverted and just a decent functional midrange person looking for a monthly coffee and a chat!

That's not a dig, as a single woman I noticed the huge shift in popularity between when I had an affluent well-connected extroverted partner who hosted parties, and when I became single!

I've turned up to lots of things and honestly it can feel a bit diminishing returns. Dates yes, mates no! I've had some great one-off conversations but things tend to fizzle out.

So I focus on work and money now and use Mumsnet for a chat!).

Last time I checked (a while ago now in around 2019) they are very few and far between, with most centred in major cities in the U.K, so not practical to get to unless you live close to those cities. I actually did go on one (30s - 40s) when I used to live in an urban area. I was like a social, a welcome drinks to welcome new people. It was around 80% men, awkwardly clutching their beers and scanning the room a bit nervously from & time time to look at the women around them. Not a great experience 😅Thank you for the suggestion though. I might check back on there just in case something's developed since then.

@LHJ21 Sorry to hear that. Sounds shitty. Hope it changes for you.

@BlanketStripey Yes. I was explaining to someone the other day that to make room in their busy lives for a new person, you'd have to be a super shiny penny / gem of a person or useful to them in some way.....and most people are just average and don't present enough of an add value. I think I give really good emotional support and it seems like some people find me entertaining /funny, but I don't just want to be picked up and used as a free counsellor / entertainer wherever it's convenient for the other person.

Yes, with dating, at least there is an added incentive.

I probably spend too much time on Mumsnet. My posting history is probably a tome by now. 😆

It was around 80% men, awkwardly clutching their beers and scanning the room a bit nervously from & time time to look at the women around them.

That's one of my concerns, that you just get men using it as a pick up joint. I'm sure not all are but...still. I haven't used BFF yet but I think you can specify what sex people you'd like to meet.

I actually ran a Meetup group years ago, briefly, and had to boot someone out for asking female members for their numbers and making them feel uncomfortable.

Yes, without being martyrsh about it (as I'm reasonably content now) I think objectively most people (whatever their status) don't hugely want to make time for a midrange middle aged female who is quite OK and not dramatic and doesn't "fulfil some role as someone they can use or look down on".

(unless they want something sexually or practically or someone to be a doormat or counsellor).

I'm very happily childfree and I think that adds to the layer of disconnection a bit.

Winter last year was hellish in terms of loneliness, and trying to chase the dragon and find new social circles (along with all the attendant microaggressions and ennui and creepy blokes) didn't really help!

Interestingly, due to flu I actually was pretty housebound this latest winter, and I found just reading and watching stuff and mucking about at home was fine.

Focussing on goals and practicing self-care and routine and acceptance (this too will pass, ride it out if needed) seems to have got me back on track.

I'm learning to track my emotions better and take a bit more of a light touch with situations. If it feels good stay, if not don't worry about it.

Plus dealing with bigger tensions (workplace bullying and family issues) and realising it was "just me" who needed to woman up and face them solo.

They’re at work

👋 another mid thirties childfree living in Wales having moved around. I've got a few friends here and some further afield but always looking to expand my circle.

I used to be in a Meetup group for travel and we had a man join who made it clear he wanted to share rooms with women. Urgh <shudders>

I also used to go to classes in the evening and we had a man join who absolutely saw it as a pick up joint and all the women there as a captive audience. He got really huffy and left in the end, for which we were all hugely relieved.

Yes probably at work. My friend in a choir. A hobby helps too. But I find people flaky or dont commit so its hard.

Find a suitable WI. Not necessarily your nearest but one that suits your needs with lots going on. There are a lot of 20 and 30 year olds with no children in mine.

Find a suitable WI.

Problem is, the WI also accept men who say they are women. I'd prefer an actual woman-only space, not a place to validate others' beliefs.

Are you in a city though?

@passiveconstellation

No I'm not in a city.

Start a book club!

I’m the same! Looking for friends in my 30s but had the same experience with meet up etc. also worried about men getting the wrong impression. I’ve given myself the goal of having new friends by 40, so a few years to try to meet people. It’s so hard though, especially with working from home.

I'm a similar age and met a lot of my 30yo friends through a local running club