Is it cheating before your official?

SnowFlake278 · 2024-02-02T20:44:22+00:00

So the guy I have been “dating/seeing” on and off for a while slept with someone else. Now yes i was hurt and upset by it however we never had any agreements on seeing other people etc. I don’t know wether to give it another go or if it’s cheating?😞

MidnightMeltdown · 02/02/2024 20:49

Technically not cheating, but not a good sign. I wouldn't see him again

Opentooffers · 02/02/2024 20:56

If he's sleeping with you too and he didn't let you know the score, he's being deceptive. How long have you been seeing him and why have you not discussed it prior so you know where you stood?
To consider, is whether giving it another go, means more of the same or has he just had a turnaround about monogamy? Does he even want to give it a go himself?

QueenApple · 02/02/2024 20:57

Not cheating as such but if he was really interested in you he wouldnt have slept with someone else.
How long had you been seeing him ?

MrsSucculent · 02/02/2024 20:58

Not cheating. That’s the point of becoming official. It becomes exclusive.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2024 21:00

Can people not talk to each other anymore? Stop sleepwalking through your own life. He didn't cheat.

Rumpelslutskin · 02/02/2024 21:11

Not cheating but I wouldn't go forward, and certainly wouldn't give second chances!! To a guy who was treating me like an option while he kept window shopping.
I am aware that people dating in their 20s might think this is normal.

Do88byisfree · 02/02/2024 21:18

You feel like he cheated. You're hurt by his behaviour and he didn't take this into account.
The technicalities of whether or not this was officially cheating don't matter.

I hope you're ok.

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:21

Whether it's cheating or not I don't know.

What I do know is that if id gone out with someone (even once) and found out they'd slept with someone else, that'd be the end of the road for me. I mean, he just wouldn't be into me if he'd done that in my mind.

I'm 38 so too old for all this "exclusive" and "official" stuff! If he's asked you out, in my book he shouldn't be going out with someone else...I just don't get that at all.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/02/2024 21:23

Well in my opinion if he was sleeping with someone else whilst starting to date you he’s not serious

i am old it wasn’t like this in my day if you started seeing someone that was it

K8ate · 02/02/2024 21:24

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:21

Whether it's cheating or not I don't know.

What I do know is that if id gone out with someone (even once) and found out they'd slept with someone else, that'd be the end of the road for me. I mean, he just wouldn't be into me if he'd done that in my mind.

I'm 38 so too old for all this "exclusive" and "official" stuff! If he's asked you out, in my book he shouldn't be going out with someone else...I just don't get that at all.

I absolutely agree.
It used to be plain common sense and decency that if you had been asked out then you wouldn’t be seeing other people.

KarmaLife · 02/02/2024 21:28

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:21

Whether it's cheating or not I don't know.

What I do know is that if id gone out with someone (even once) and found out they'd slept with someone else, that'd be the end of the road for me. I mean, he just wouldn't be into me if he'd done that in my mind.

I'm 38 so too old for all this "exclusive" and "official" stuff! If he's asked you out, in my book he shouldn't be going out with someone else...I just don't get that at all.

Second this.

TitInATrance · 02/02/2024 21:36

I’m in my 60s and I’d recommend you talk to each other about how you feel and what type of relationship you’re each looking for.

In an on and off relationship that’s been developing over a while, and while the discussion hasn’t happened I wouldn’t consider it to be cheating or particularly unusual.

SamW98 · 02/02/2024 21:37

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:21

Whether it's cheating or not I don't know.

What I do know is that if id gone out with someone (even once) and found out they'd slept with someone else, that'd be the end of the road for me. I mean, he just wouldn't be into me if he'd done that in my mind.

I'm 38 so too old for all this "exclusive" and "official" stuff! If he's asked you out, in my book he shouldn't be going out with someone else...I just don't get that at all.

I’m older and I totally agree. This while ‘not exclusive til you’ve had the chat’ is just bullshit so people (men mostly) can shag around and say ‘I didn’t cheat you didn’t say we were exclusive’.

If anyone is sleeping with me and they want sex with someone else, off you go mate and don’t come back.

This non exclusive, shagging several people at the same time is grubby as fuck imo.

Jf20 · 02/02/2024 21:37

It’s not cheating, the question here is if you wished an exclusive relationship and not just something casual why didn’t you say something?

Jf20 · 02/02/2024 21:40

TitInATrance · 02/02/2024 21:36

I’m in my 60s and I’d recommend you talk to each other about how you feel and what type of relationship you’re each looking for.

In an on and off relationship that’s been developing over a while, and while the discussion hasn’t happened I wouldn’t consider it to be cheating or particularly unusual.

I’m with you, this was a casual relationship, she didn’t say she wasn’t seeing others, he didn’t either, if she wished exclusive relationship she should have articulated that. Just by dating having sex doesn’t mean they are exclusive. That’s not how it works.

Klcak · 02/02/2024 21:42

I mean in my day, that would have been cheating. I'm only mid forties.

We seem to have this utterly ridiculous thing these days where you can still shag other people if you haven't had this stupid fucking "exclusive" chat.

The bottom line is, if he really loved you or was heading in that direction, he would not have slept with someone else. It might not come officially under "cheating" but it's disrespectful and disgusting.

Chuck him.

Or he'll just carry on shagging around. Even if you have this demented "exclusive" chat, he'll probably do it anyway, as he can easily say well it was ok before, I thought you wouldn't mind.

Modern standards have slipped into the gutter. Only single people can shag whoever they want, whenever they want. And he's not single. He's involved with you.

SamW98 · 02/02/2024 21:44

Klcak · 02/02/2024 21:42

I mean in my day, that would have been cheating. I'm only mid forties.

We seem to have this utterly ridiculous thing these days where you can still shag other people if you haven't had this stupid fucking "exclusive" chat.

The bottom line is, if he really loved you or was heading in that direction, he would not have slept with someone else. It might not come officially under "cheating" but it's disrespectful and disgusting.

Chuck him.

Or he'll just carry on shagging around. Even if you have this demented "exclusive" chat, he'll probably do it anyway, as he can easily say well it was ok before, I thought you wouldn't mind.

Modern standards have slipped into the gutter. Only single people can shag whoever they want, whenever they want. And he's not single. He's involved with you.

💯 👏👏

PrawnDumplings · 02/02/2024 21:52

Technically

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:59

Jf20 · 02/02/2024 21:40

I’m with you, this was a casual relationship, she didn’t say she wasn’t seeing others, he didn’t either, if she wished exclusive relationship she should have articulated that. Just by dating having sex doesn’t mean they are exclusive. That’s not how it works.

Show quote history

Wow.

Is that really what the dating scene is like?

Sounds Godawful.

HobbiddoH · 02/02/2024 22:29

On one hand I think no it’s not cheating, but feel if he saw a future with you or valued what he is building with you then he wouldn’t have done that.
On the other hand though -
This same thing happened to me and I did class it as cheating at the time, but I forgave and that was 20 years ago. We are now happily married!

Original poster

SnowFlake278 · 02/02/2024 22:47

Do you still think it’s cheating now? I’m glad your happily married this made me smile

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 22:51

Why does something have to fit into an official definition of 'cheating' for you to make a decision? What if he never paid for anything? Would that be cheating? Would it be breaking any rule at all? Would you like it? Would you want a relationship with someone like that?

Simonjt · 02/02/2024 22:52

You can’t really cheat on someone if you’re not in an exclusive relationship, it isn’t really any different to having a few dates close together with different people.

If it isn’t for you thats fine, but you need to communicate that when you go on a date.

Watchkeys · 02/02/2024 22:57

If it isn’t for you thats fine, but you need to communicate that when you go on a date

No, you don't. You don't need to tell a person how you need them to be. They are who they are, and you decide if you like it or not.

localnotail · 02/02/2024 23:04

If he is dating you and sleeping with other people at the same time it would mean he is not that into you and couldn't care less if you continue seeing each other or not. Not cheating as such but still crap.