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Original poster

Is it cheating before your official?

75 replies

SnowFlake278 · 02/02/2024 20:44

So the guy I have been “dating/seeing” on and off for a while slept with someone else. Now yes i was hurt and upset by it however we never had any agreements on seeing other people etc. I don’t know wether to give it another go or if it’s cheating?😞

OP posts:
samestyle · 02/02/2024 23:09

If you like someone enough even before it's official, you wouldn't have the desire for anyone else, so the fact he was/is seeing someone else says he's not that serious about you and not bothered about your feelings. You are never on/off with the right person only trying to make it work with the wrong one.

SamW98 · 02/02/2024 23:11

it isn’t really any different to having a few dates close together with different people.

Of course.its different. Having sex with several people at same time is very different just going out on dates with different people close together.

kkloo · 03/02/2024 04:08

It would be over for me tbh.
If he cared about you he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

Why have you been seeing him on and off? Is it due to his hot and cold behaviour by any chance?

Rumpelslutskin · 03/02/2024 04:43

Maybe it's also indicative of mismatched views on sex, he obviously has casual sex. Maybe you want someone who takes sex more seriously and within a commitment and exclusivity. I don't like the idea of a guy seducing several women on the go or who can't go a couple of months without sex. It's not about libido, it's also about values and views on sex and relationships.

Callmemummynotmaaa · 03/02/2024 05:07

Op how did it come up? When I met my DH we were both fairly determined NOT to be in serious relationships - and yup, had a few weeks of dating each other while seeing others. Fairly quickly realized we were causing hurt/no longer wanted that. Had chats. Beyond that; I’d have considered it cheating but not before.

Id be less worried about what it “technically” is and more that your hurt. Do you feel it was hidden from you? Or just unexpected? How has he responded when you’ve spoken with him? What’s your plan going forward?

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/02/2024 06:31

MidnightMeltdown · 02/02/2024 20:49

Technically not cheating, but not a good sign. I wouldn't see him again

This for me too. He’d be history

PieAndLattes · 03/02/2024 06:42

Use your words and tell him what you want. It’s as simple as, ‘I want an exclusive relationship with you. If that’s not what you want then we will go our separate ways’.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/02/2024 06:43

How can it be cheating if you're on and off?

Garlickit · 03/02/2024 06:47

For me, there has to have been a conversation about being exclusive / a couple. It looks like this might be the time to have that conversation; you can tell him you were startled (or whatever) that he slept with another person, and ask how he feels about making a commitment to each other.

Theraffarian · 03/02/2024 07:10

Again older here , so in my day there was no exclusive chat to be had , you either dated or didn’t , and if you did then sleeping with someone else was cheating .

Now I think not having the exclusive chat is just a coverup for wanting to date other people because the person you are seeing is a stopgap and you know they aren’t the one . I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who couldn’t commit to just seeing me while we decided if we were right for each other .

C1N1C · 03/02/2024 07:24

I hate this culture... I think dating is one thing, but if you like someone enough to sleep with them, it should be at least 'attempted' exclusivity from then on.

PrincessCharlette · 03/02/2024 07:47

No it wasn't cheating but I guess it's off until it's on again.

Indifferentchickenwings · 03/02/2024 08:28
good morning GIF by youramazing

Yeah I’d dislike that
he’s greedy if nothing else

Indifferentchickenwings · 03/02/2024 08:28

I have no idea why a coffee came with that !

Drdoomish · 03/02/2024 08:31

I think it depends @SnowFlake278

  1. how do you know he slept with someone else?

  2. did he lie to you about where he was the night (s) he slept with someone else?

  3. how long have you been seeing him?

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2024 08:35

Another older person, but I don’t think human nature has changed!

Regardless of what you call it, if someone is not excited enough about you to not want to see other people, it is a pretty bad start. I think that it is about self-respect.

OLD has commoditised human relationships and I don’t think that is a good thing.

Epidote · 03/02/2024 08:37

If you are at the beginning of the relationship and you are already with that thought of give it another go. Just don't.

I agree with some PP that said that if I'm dating someone and he sleeps with someone else it is a no for me. Although is not cheating as such it would put me off, I'm not the second best, the consolation prize or the nice friend who supports him meanwhile he shags around.
Easy and simple, is he looking for someone else that tick his boxes better that I do? good luck, I'm not interested.

PinkEasterbunny · 03/02/2024 08:38

God knows if it’s technically cheating or not but I wouldn’t like it. All this presumption that either side can shag around unless they’ve had the exclusive discussion is just rubbish.

And look at the mess Kyle Walker created while he was technically on a break from his wife …

quisensoucie · 03/02/2024 09:06

Before your official what?

HobbiddoH · 03/02/2024 09:20

@SnowFlake278 erm yes I think I do. But that might be to do with the secrecy, as in he did it, then we were in a full relationship and I only found out a little further in and felt more betrayed by that I think. He was incredibly apologetic and said he regretted it knowing what he later knew ie. that he and I would become more serious. He has proven himself since then and I’ve had no reason to distrust him since. I obviously don’t know the full details of your situation, so some aspects may the same and some different. But I hope that whichever way things go for you that you make the right decision. Good luck.

SnapdragonToadflax · 03/02/2024 09:25

Dacadactyl · 02/02/2024 21:21

Whether it's cheating or not I don't know.

What I do know is that if id gone out with someone (even once) and found out they'd slept with someone else, that'd be the end of the road for me. I mean, he just wouldn't be into me if he'd done that in my mind.

I'm 38 so too old for all this "exclusive" and "official" stuff! If he's asked you out, in my book he shouldn't be going out with someone else...I just don't get that at all.

Same here, in my 40s. If you're shagging someone on a regular basis then you're dating and shouldn't be shagging anyone else, regardless of whether you've actually said you're official.

I know all this 'official' stuff is normal now, but to me it sounds like kids in high school.

highlo · 03/02/2024 09:32

Rumpelslutskin · 02/02/2024 21:11

Not cheating but I wouldn't go forward, and certainly wouldn't give second chances!! To a guy who was treating me like an option while he kept window shopping.
I am aware that people dating in their 20s might think this is normal.

This 100%

Might no be cheating but personally I would want a bit more respect.
If you were genuinely interested in someone you wouldn't want to go around shagging others.
If I was dating someone and wanted to sleep someone else, it would be a sign that I didn't like the person I was dating enough as as I was looking for someone else at the same time

PaulCostinRIP · 03/02/2024 10:57

It means that he needs more than one woman to satisfy him so if you have any sense you will avoid him in the future.

Jf20 · 03/02/2024 11:14

PaulCostinRIP · 03/02/2024 10:57

It means that he needs more than one woman to satisfy him so if you have any sense you will avoid him in the future.

Doesn’t mean that at all. Give over. It means he needs to meet the right person and as it was early stages and casual, from the op as well as him, he is right to explore relationships with other women

SamW98 · 03/02/2024 11:20

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2024 08:35

Another older person, but I don’t think human nature has changed!

Regardless of what you call it, if someone is not excited enough about you to not want to see other people, it is a pretty bad start. I think that it is about self-respect.

OLD has commoditised human relationships and I don’t think that is a good thing.

Agree. I think this whole ‘not had the exclusive chat’ is a cop out excuse to keep shagging around while keeping someone on the back burner when there’s no one else available.

There are some people who are ok with this but most people don’t want the person they’re intimate with to be still looking for a better offer.