Is it cheating before your official?

[SnowFlake278]

So the guy I have been “dating/seeing” on and off for a while slept with someone else. Now yes i was hurt and upset by it however we never had any agreements on seeing other people etc. I don’t know wether to give it another go or if it’s cheating?😞

Absolutely this 👏

@Klcak

It might not come officially under "cheating" but it's disrespectful and disgusting

It's really not. It might not fit in with OP's ideals (or yours) but people are allowed to date and have sex with people. No commitment has been made, and he's at liberty to do as he pleases. I wouldn't stay with him if I was OP, but that's because he's made it clear that what he wants is different from what she wants.

Exactly what was 'disrespectful and disgusting' about his behaviour? Is he only 'allowed' to date OP? By what metric?

For all the ‘In my day-ers’ it’s no longer your day so unfortunately it is the case that until you have the exclusive chat it’s not cheating. Things have changed dramatically in the last few years.

And it isn’t just men exploiting this - take a look at the OLD dating sites here and it’s clear women are making the most of it too!

I’ve done multi-dating in my time and while I wouldn’t do it again, it actually took a lot of pressure off and was fun. Not everyone dates to find an LTR all the time.

The issue is with people not being clear on what they are looking for - if the OP wanted an exclusive relationship she should have used her words and then stuck to her boundaries. There is zero point playing the victim after the fact & trying to spin things into he was cheating if she had not established her needs and boundaries at the beginning.

I’m always very clear now that I am dating to
find a partner & if things turn sexual I expect exclusivity from that point on, no
exceptions or after the fact conversations. It’s meant a few situations I was excited about fizzling out but also meant a few things I was unsure about progressing with a lot more clarity.

I don't think the label matters.

Are you ok with the things he has done and the way he has behaved? If it is a problem then it's a problem, and if it's not then it's not! Don't worry about the label - you don't need a label to make a decision about whether it feels ok or not.

Why this? Of course he doesn’t really love her or heading in that direction, not she him, it’s far too early for that., they haven’t even had a conversation on exclusivity, it’s casual dates and shagging.

If he does something that means you have an STI test then he's not a keeper.

I went out with loads of men who weren’t my “boyfriend”.
They slept with other women. Might be different nowadays.

You were hurt and upset. That's enough to bin him. Whether it's cheating or not, whether you had any agreement or not - totally irrelevant. You were hurt and upset - that's what matters.

So if the ‘exclusive chat’ has somehow become mandatory, what are the rules around that? When should this chat take place, is it essential for all couples, or just those that meet on line, and who initiates it?

See I think its fine to be dating multiple people when online dating. It usually takes multiple dates to get to know a total stranger and figure out whether you could see yourself in a relationship with them. If you only dated one person at a time, it could take years to find the one.

However, I do think that once you've slept with someone you've crossed a line. Personally I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with a man who had shagged one of his other dates.

This sounds like different expectations. Fwiw, OP, I’d feel the same as you. I wouldn’t want to even begin down the path of having feelings for someone if they were likely to sleep with someone else. Whether it’s officially cheating or not (whatever that means) is irrelevant.

I think things have really changed in terms of norms around this stuff, largely to the benefit of a small group of men and to the detriment of large numbers of women. But that doesn’t mean you have to drop your standards or accept behaviour that makes you unhappy.

@MidnightMeltdown ,

I think it is a bit of a definitional thing. I don’t think it is wrong to meet several people for dates, a quick coffee or a meal out and a chat.

But, once things get physical, or even multiple dates where you are telling each other you like each other, it is disrespectful (IMO) to still be seeing other people.

I honestly think that, if you take the view that people are like cars, you need a few test drives with a few to see which one you like the most, you probably won’t be able to turn this mindset off after an ‘exclusivity’ conversation. If someone better comes along, you will make the natural trade.

I am saying all the above from the perspective of someone after a long term relationship, as the OP seems to be. If you are looking for short term relationships or hookups, that is fine too, as long as your are honest about it, both with others and to yourself.

Not cheating but also if you have been seeing each other enough that things are likely to become official I think it's stepping into a murkey area and I would be massively put off unless we had been open about still seeing other people. Considering you found it upset you I think I'd sack this off.

Me and DP were in a similar situation to you nearly two decades ago, but with the sexes reversed (I'm male, and DP is female)

We were only seeing each other casually, and DP went on a few dates with other people that I knew about, amd slept with at least one other person that I'm aware of. At a certain point we both decided that we wanted a proper relationship and so we had a talk and made that decision. That was 18 years ago and we've been happy every since, no-ones cheated or felt the need to.

Don't listen to all the "back in my days". These conversations happened back then too, all that's changed is how quickly relationships got serious. The advent of tinder means that it's far easier to meet multiple people at the same time, so if you want things to get more serious more quickly, you need to discuss it properly.

The man you're seeing isn't cheating, because you've set no expectations that you want a monogamous relationship. If you want one, tell him.

It shows that he is not that into you and is keeping his options open.

I would stop seeing him.

I think it is a bit of a definitional thing. I don’t think it is wrong to meet several people for dates, a quick coffee or a meal out and a chat.

But, once things get physical, or even multiple dates where you are telling each other you like each other, it is disrespectful (IMO) to still be seeing other people.

I honestly think that, if you take the view that people are like cars, you need a few test drives with a few to see which one you like the most, you probably won’t be able to turn this mindset off after an ‘exclusivity’ conversation. If someone better comes along, you will make the natural trade.

I completely get your point, that’s it’s a numbers game, but I feel uneasy about someone trying out numerous people concurrently. Maybe my age (50s) is tainting my view, but it seems a lot cleaner/better/more decent to “try out” one person at a time?

Maybe my age (50s) is tainting my view, but it seems a lot cleaner/better/more decent to “try out” one person at a time?

@PinkEasterbunny

I'm not sure whether you've ever done online dating, but I met dp online dating a few years ago. I dated dozens of men before I ended up in a relationship with the right one. With some men you know after one date that they aren't right for you, with others it can take 3 or 4 dates before you realise that you aren't compatible. If I'd only dated one at a time it would have taken years to find the right one.

Online dating isn't the same as 'traditional' dating where you know each other casually before dating. You're literally meeting a total stranger. For me at least, it can take a good couple of months before I decide whether I want a relationship with that person, or whether it's just a friendship. Maybe I'm just extra choosy and other women take a different approach!

I don't know if it's "cheating" per se but it's a dumping offence for sure.

Honestly, it’s so very rare that I would meet someone I’m remotely interested in, and sexual attraction comes later for me, after I have feelings. So for me this has only happened three times in my life, and I’m in my 40s. Only one of them I loved so deeply, since we broke up, I have zero interest in meeting anyone again now. So I don’t really get this whole “desperate looking for it” thing, to begin with. But the thought of someone not only looking for it, but finding it multiple times in short periods, indicates they are not at all fussy, or they just like shagging around. So that’s point one.

point two, if they are dating me and it’s got intimate, even emotional connection where we are building up to a kiss and more, if I discovered they were essentially doing the same with other women, they’d be nothing but a player to me. I wouldn’t have to have an “exclusive chat”, the right person for me, it simply wouldn’t enter their head to do such shallow acts, and by their very doing it, I would know they were not high quality, not that into me, and not worth any more of my time.

so OP you don’t have to ask “is it cheating”, you just have to ask, is this man up to my standard, on the same page as me, emotionally intelligent enough for me, genuine and sincere in his pursuit of me. If he’s been shagging others, the answer is no, ditch him and let him find a woman who has the same standards as him.

I’m in my 50’s too and I agree with you. Though tbh I’ve only ever found a handful of people I wanted to meet for a date - I have no idea how some find so many people to multi date/ go on dates every week.

Maybe there has been a misunderstanding about the relationship, maybe he wants something casual. Maybe he’s just not serious or sorry to say …isn’t that interested in you.
If he liked you that much he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else

I would have a conversation and see how you feel and if you can move forward or not. No point in continuing if you aren’t on the same page

When he slept with someone else were you on or were you off? Also, how did you find out about it?

Personally it's not a brilliant sign that your communication is adequate enough, although having a chat and saying you're "exclusive" isn't going to stop him doing it again, if he's not that into you and someone interesting comes along.

Focus less on what's cheating/right/wrong, there are no rules other than the ones you agree between you, and the boundaries you set and uphold for yourself based on how you feel. Which in this case is hurt/upset. It's doubtful he feels the same as you about your situation as he wasn't hurt/upset when he had sex with the other party.

In my opinion, you shouldn’t need a discussion about being exclusive once you have slept together. It’s the basics in respect and manners. Nobody wants a dirty dick! If he liked you that much he would not feel the need to put it about. You can do better.

If multiple dating is fine to get to know people, then surely multiple sleeping with people is also fine to get to know if you are sexually compatible. Best to have that convo, set your stall out and if one party doesn’t like it then so be it, they move on.

Jf20
I’m with you, this was a casual relationship, she didn’t say she wasn’t seeing others, he didn’t either, if she wished exclusive relationship she should have articulated that. Just by dating having sex doesn’t mean they are exclusive. That’s not how it works.

Wow.

Is that really what the dating scene is like?

Sounds Godawful.

_

Sorry can't quote a quote on the app.

Yup it is awful. I'm nearly 60 and before I have sex with anyone, I have the "assume we are exclusive now" talk!

So sadly I don't think he's cheating in this modern day dating but I'd throw him back anyway. If someone makes you feel bad it's not going to get better.