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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am entitled to be pissed off with DH

79 replies

Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:27

Just that really. Still working on his computer on a Friday night at nearly 8.30pm in his 9 -5 job?
Has not got a special project with an urgent deadline.
I know where I am in his list of priorities ....
But I am unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
Jf20 · 02/02/2024 20:28

Are you bored or something? I’d be a bit pissed off if my husband demanded I stop work to give him attention.

Lavenderosa · 02/02/2024 20:29

It can't be a 9-5 job if he's working at 8.30pm. I'd let him get on with it and do something you want to do.

Summerhillsquare · 02/02/2024 20:31

I had one of those. At the end I was begging him to take at least one day off at the weekend, that's how far the norm had shifted.

Plantmother71 · 02/02/2024 20:32

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to spend time with him. But maybe he’s just very busy at work and wants to clear it so he doesn’t have to work over the weekend? I know my DP does this sometimes. If he’s busy and not communicating I unusual grab a book and a glass of wine and have a nice bath. Or pop a film in to watch.

Original poster
Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:34

My point he is not meant to be working still, he does not have a deadline to meet, is meant to work 9-5. I don't mind him working beyond his paid hours but 3.5 hours more? He is chosing to work beyond his hours, leaving me just to sit alone. It would be good to feel my company on a Friday evening after us both working hard all week would be his priority.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 02/02/2024 20:34

Does he do it all the time?

DocOck · 02/02/2024 20:35

Sometimes that's the nature of work. I work over my hours sometimes because I need to get ahead, or I know I have deadlines next week (doesn't need to be immediate) or there's something I want to give myself time to work on.

Original poster
Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:36

Zola1
Not every night, but often does. He then falls asleep on the sofa

OP posts:
minipie · 02/02/2024 20:36

Depends entirely on whether this is a one off or a pattern.

mynameiscalypso · 02/02/2024 20:36

If I didn't have a small child who needing feeding and putting to bed, I'd be doing this too. Nothing urgent but a lot of stuff I'd like to catch on tonight or over the weekend so I have a clearer day on Monday.

sprigatito · 02/02/2024 20:37

You'll get lots of people telling you how tragic and needy you are, you should be out having cocktails with your millions of diaphanous friends or volunteering with the RNLI or whatever. But back in the real world, YANBU to want to spend time with your DH on a Friday evening, and he's being a twat FlowersBrewCake

KnickerlessParsons · 02/02/2024 20:37

Is he definitely working?

StopGo · 02/02/2024 20:38

So he can't manage his workload without 3 1/2 hours plus of unpaid overtime? Is he not coping or avoiding family life?

Dancerprancer19 · 02/02/2024 20:38

Seems unlikely he has a 9-5 job. My husband and I often have to work late. It’s just life sometimes. We bring each other snacks and sympathise.

Neverpostagain · 02/02/2024 20:39

Does feeling pissed off make you feel better. If not, stop it and do something more enjoyable.

Original poster
Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:41

Jf20
I am not demanding his attention at all, sitting in another room and not said a word about it or attempting to interupt him
I understand the need to make sure I keep on top of my work and often work late but not 3.5 hours extra on a Friday, as I feel at the end of the week I should want to spend time relaxing with family

OP posts:
Trulyme · 02/02/2024 20:44

If he’s working extra hours regularly and then falling asleep on the sofa, it sounds like this work is important and he needs to do it.

Do you not think he wants some time for himself to watch a film, go meet friends, have a hobby? Etc

I can’t see anyone doing extra work regularly when they don’t have to (there would be nothing to do).

What job does he do?

Original poster
Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:47

Trulyme
He does have hobbies, he has been out pursuing 3 hobby activities this week. He usually goes out for hobbies 3 evening a week, works in office 2 times a week, often back after 8.30

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 02/02/2024 20:49

Did you have plans?

If not then I don't really see the problem to be fair, for whatever reason he wants to do it, probably so he can enjoy the weekend knowing all his work is done?

If it's not all the time I think you're being a bit unreasonable, I work all different hours but I'd get annoyed at my DH if he was pouting about it, unless he was waiting for me or we'd made specific plans to spend time with each other of course, but we both very much like own space as well as spending time together, so we don't assume that not working means spending all our time together.

Have a word with him about giving you some notice so at least you know in advance and can catch up with something yourself, or go out, or have a long bath etc, rather then hang around waiting for him to finish work.

KTSl1964 · 02/02/2024 20:51

Does he have much conversation? Do you do things together? Do you have any hobbies - if not get some. If the relationship is not working for you - you can end it!!! Have you asked him why he works late or can you suggest a date night on Fridays?

Lavenderosa · 02/02/2024 20:52

Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:47

Trulyme
He does have hobbies, he has been out pursuing 3 hobby activities this week. He usually goes out for hobbies 3 evening a week, works in office 2 times a week, often back after 8.30

So he chooses to spend his evenings doing something else rather than be with you? It doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Have you tried to have a heart to heart about how you feel about it? Does he still want to be married?

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 02/02/2024 20:53

It’s not ideal, but then he’s not alone, many of us find ourselves doing this as a way of coping in a busy work environment.

I wfh late some nights and my DH also works alongside on his projects

He is likely concerned about the impact of unfinished work and can’t relax until everything gets done. Would he have a cuppa break with you and chat to discuss this and how he is feeling?

threeisquiteenough · 02/02/2024 20:53

What kind of job does he have? If he is senior management in a high pressured job then it would be rare to only work 9-5pm.

Original poster
Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:55

I am not "pouting" about it, not said a word and left him alone to work without comment
Just posting for others thoughts if feeling pissed off on a Friday night, sitting alone is normal
I have not said anything but don't want him to feel unsympathetic, but I just feel sad, as this is common situation

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 02/02/2024 20:56

Bumbleby · 02/02/2024 20:55

I am not "pouting" about it, not said a word and left him alone to work without comment
Just posting for others thoughts if feeling pissed off on a Friday night, sitting alone is normal
I have not said anything but don't want him to feel unsympathetic, but I just feel sad, as this is common situation

But why don't you just ask him rather than sitting alone and being pissed off about it?