I am entitled to be pissed off with DH

[Bumbleby]

Just that really. Still working on his computer on a Friday night at nearly 8.30pm in his 9 -5 job?
Has not got a special project with an urgent deadline.
I know where I am in his list of priorities ....
But I am unreasonable to feel like this?

I totally get where you're coming from - I'm typing this sitting next to my sleeping husband after he's worked late again 🙈
It does frustrate me but his workload is absolutely huge and I have heard him bring this up several times with his boss but nothing has changed.
It is frustrating and annoys me as he took this job on to spend more time with the family but he works longer hours than ever before and I feel like I barely see him.
Can you shout him down for a cup of coffee or something? Maybe start planning some things to do together one or two nights a week?

Yes, will need to try to arrange to do thing together when he is here, have got out of the habit since COVID. Thanks

Is it possible for you to go out the same nights as him, OP? Either with friends/family or to a hobby of your own? He would see you capable of having fun independent of him and it would give you more things to talk about when you are together. It may make him see you in a different light and not take for granted the fact that you are home pining for his return when he is out. (I’m sure you don’t, it’s a figure of speech) It wouldn’t necessarily increase the time you spend together but could improve the quality, and you never know, he may think differently about the time he spends away hobbying 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd suggest pouring him a drink and dropping it to him. Looks like you might need this. He'll then oh this is a better option than work and he'll probably shut down laptop and come to relax.
Knowing there's gonna be an atmosphere if he goes in is probably not making him jump up.

I am totally behind you on this.., not unreasonable to want to spend time with your partner and for them to seek your company
and to feel it’s not just you trying to initiate. Work is work at the end of the day, but not in a Friday night unless it’s a super critical deadline

Sounds like he’s not that in to the relationship anymore, possibly time for a frank conversation.

I'd be sad and oosse off too Op (if it wasn't some sort or urgent deadline . I look forward to dh and I's weekend together and if he felt non urgent work was more important than that it would be a kick in the teeth.

I would start organizing other things to do every Friday night and see his reaction. I wouldn’t tell him. Just go out. Don’t make dinner, etc, just be gone. I would also make sure that I don’t facilitate the hobbies by making meals, etc. Join some book clubs, sign up for art courses, especially if they are on the days he’s home expecting you to be there.

Is he actively avoiding spending time with you? Are there other problems in the relationship?

Feeling sad about this is reasonable, particularly if it happens often. Not telling him how you feel is unreasonable, particularly if it happens often.

It’s not healthy. If this is the only issue in your marriage, then he is probably under a lot of pressure and feeling stressed. No one would choose to work on a Friday night rather than be with their OH chilling out. Has he even eaten anything with you?

Clearly his job isn’t 9-5. I work late when I’ve not got a deadline sometimes, usually because I’ve just got lots on. I also know at a given time I may need to get things done as I have things coming up.

So you’re last on his list? I’d make myself much LESS available. I’d disappear every evening for a week, say well you aren’t around, I can’t just sit around and wait for you to deign to spend a minute with me. If you’re not careful I might forget about you altogether. (& if you have kids I still would disappear every night, I hope you don’t though and he isn’t leaving you parenting solo every single night!)

I'm a bit of a workaholic, but mostly I have worked long hours because I have just had very busy jobs that have required me to work evenings/weekends.

It pisses my DP off, it impinges on time together, and, fundamentally, it is me putting my work before my and our life.

So I know that if I absolutely have to do some work, then I do it - many a crappy weekend has happened that way. But my DP is also absolutely entitled to be pissed off with me if I don't prioritise our life together.

You're not unreasonable OP.

Sulking is never the way forward though

It's not just about the working as he's been out with hobbies too.

You haven't spent much time together at all

It's the fact that he's working Friday evenings after spending 3 evenings on hobbies that would boil my piss. Does he actually spend ANY time with you?

Want to clarify I did not sulk just let him get on with his work, feeling neglected on a Friday night. Tried to express to him how I feel, he has suggested going to the cinema tomorrow afternoon

maybe You could do for a bite to eat or just desserts beforehand and you’ll get chance to chat? Make a proper ‘date’ of it? I hope you have a lovely time.

That makes me kind of uncomfortable. , the whole feeling neglected, it’s a bit needy for me, and you didn’t even seem to have anything planned. Did you just want him to sit on the sofa watching telly with you then?

Yes, it’s so needy to want an actual relationship with your husband isn’t it, rather than just be content that he’s decided to bless you by existing in the same house. 🙄
Don’t be ridiculous, if you don’t look after your relationship, it will lead to divorce, relationships take effort, which includes actually spending quality time together.

What sort of work does he do, OP? Places that I (and my DH, and friends) have worked over the last 30 years do tend to require relatively regular working to up to 7.00pm, and this was not so much about deadlines, perhaps just volume of work and an understanding of how much needed to be achieved each week. We have lived in a few locations over this period, living in the Midlands in the 1990s I remember feeling shocked about my friend in London working til 7.00pm most nights (as the work culture locally to me was more 5.30pm finish). We are now also in London, and DH works long hours as a rule. It sounds like your DH is prioritising his hobby evenings over your evenings together. If I could go back in time, I would definitely plan (and book) more things for us to do as a couple - and maybe agree them in advance (sort of being the ‘social secretary’ for the marriage) - and also work out what you actually want (and what ground rules you would be happy with). So - it may be that you understand that he may sometimes need to work beyond 5.30 (or whatever), but that Friday nights are for couple time.

The drama 😂😂😂

Yes, women are so dramatic for wanting a normal, functioning relationship and expecting their husband to put in some effort. What divas they are! Get back to your crumbs.

OP I am that partner who will sometimes work until 7 or so on a Friday night. The reality is I can't relax and focus on other things until I feel I have cleared a path for the next week.

I can understand your view I really can but I would find it controlling and annoying if my partner put me under pressure to stop working and feel stressed all weekend about Monday.

Your situation with your partner might be different of course.

What both my DH and I have done (over the years) is instead of working late at a time when family / couple things should be the priority, slot in a couple of hours early on (eg) Sunday morning. It is actually amazing how much you can get done at 7.00am on a Sunday, with a quiet house and a mug of coffee - and it means you start the week feeling prepared. This was never a weekly thing, but works well on occasions. Also, sometimes when we are on holiday and my DH has a big deadline coming up (and can’t avoid working) then he will work from, say, 6.30am or 7.00am in the mornings for about 4 hours - which suited us as a family, as the rest of us would all just have a slower morning (lie-ins etc). It’s not great for the person doing the work, but if they have to do the work anyway then it also gets it out of the way for them so that they can have a good break for the rest of the day.