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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner said he’s bored of our relationship

115 replies

Jellybean001 · 02/02/2024 08:43

Hi everyone. I’ve woken up sad and hungover after what was meant to be a wonderful evening out with my partner last night everything ended up in a huge fight and lots of crying from me.

We have been together 4 years and have a 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter. We are also completing a massive house renovation and both have full on jobs. It has been very challenging at times and stressful dealing with two toddlers and our work - while trying to keep our relationship going.

He has done everything on the house and has worked very hard on it, every evening and weekend with a view to sell it and make lots of money in a few years.

I have recently secured a part time job to allow more time with the children and he has said that with the extra time, he wants to come home to a spotless house as I should be deep cleaning it in my spare time and have towels, plates etc aligned perfectly. I suppose because I can’t do the building work this is the deal to make things fair.

He is a very hard worker and very hard on himself and me, nothing I do seems to be right or enough for him. He also needs a lot of physical and emotional reassurance, and I have noticed that he can get very hot headed with me when he has had a drink. He has on occasion pushed me, for instance when I wasn’t quick enough grabbing a toy from my son in the bath, and he threw water over his socks. He pushed me over, grabbed the toy and made out to hit me with it and threw it violently across the room. He told me I have become fat and slow.

I used to marathon train before having children and have since stopped running gone up one dress size from an 8 to a 10. I am still slim, but cannot seem to find time to start running again and when I work out at home I am constantly interrupted.

Recently my partner has said that he is bored of our relationship. That I am austere and not fun loving and don’t make an effort with him. Last night I was trying not to yawn at dinner as I had very little sleep the night before (I always deal with the children when they are up in the night) and he took it very personally. Then he said we have nothing to talk about, that I am boring and he wanted someone fun loving and young to be with. I got very upset and just started crying. Had too much to drink and couldn’t control myself. I just let everything out and had a massive go at him - telling him I loved him, that I have never been a huggey touchy feely person (my father has never hugged me) but was trying my best to make him feel loved and appreciated - trying to help as much as I can on the house.

It just feels that every time I try and make him happy he finds a way to crush my spirit and make me feel awful about myself. That I am not good enough, have a chubby bottom, that mummy is lazy or too slow or stupid. I’m not really sure what to do as I love him and don’t want to break up the family - just don’t think I can shrug off the comments and change into the person he wants me to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybean001 · 02/02/2024 14:37

To add that I now have very little savings. However I religiously saved hard to buy my first house and I know I can build it back up again over time. Reading everyone’s comments I feel I need to buy some time and get this house sold asap. We can then go our separate ways - however I worry about the children. His parents are heavily involved in childcare during the week when we are working, and I know he will fight me to have them.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 02/02/2024 14:37

Every month we sit down and write every transaction into a spreadsheet for budgeting purposes. While initially this seemed like a good idea, I have to justify anything I buy and explain what it was for. If I go over our agreed budget for the month in any area he gets very agitated and angry.

And he also wants lightness and fun from you?
Wow. He's a piece of work. Controls and crushes you and then blames you for not being a bundle of joy.

I’m not really sure what to do as I love him
FGS why? What do you actually mean by 'love him'? Does he 'love you' in a remotely comparable way?

Morecatsarebetter · 02/02/2024 14:39

Wow. Just wow. Pig of a man

Thedogsdindins · 02/02/2024 14:45

He sounds abusive and controlling. You need to get out and start again because it will likely get worse.

bluedomino · 02/02/2024 14:48

Phone Womens Aid. Just phone them and chat. Do the abuse quiz with them.

I think we can all tell you to leave, he's abusive, etc but when you see or hear a professional person, like Women's Aid or your Health Visitor or GP, when you see the shock on their faces at how you are living and how another human is treating you, it gives you a bit of fire.

You will feel shame admitting what what your life has become but it's him that should feel shame, not you.

Look into how your brain is affected long term by abuse, and get out now before he hurts you. Soon the shoving will become kicking or punching.

Please please get out.

Nicebloomers · 02/02/2024 14:48

He really sounds awful. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but you do need to deal with it.

32degrees · 02/02/2024 15:08

Jellybean001 · 02/02/2024 14:37

To add that I now have very little savings. However I religiously saved hard to buy my first house and I know I can build it back up again over time. Reading everyone’s comments I feel I need to buy some time and get this house sold asap. We can then go our separate ways - however I worry about the children. His parents are heavily involved in childcare during the week when we are working, and I know he will fight me to have them.

Get them into nursery so childcare is less of an issue.

Good luck OP

Nicole1111 · 02/02/2024 15:26

Your partner is abusing you physically, emotionally and financially. It’s understandable if your self esteem is trashed as an abuser will target people with low self esteem and then reduce their self esteem even further as it keeps the victim under their control. If your self esteem means you can’t advocate for yourself and put boundaries in by leaving for your own sake, you must leave for your children’s sake. They are learning what relationships look like from you and you’re setting a template for their future relationships. Children that are exposed to domestic abuse relationships are more likely to have domestically abusive relationships as adults, with it tending to be that boys will themselves be perpetrators of abuse and girls will be victims. There’s also lots and lots of research that shows that it has a negative impact on their development and mental health. Is this what you want for your children? If the answer is no you must leave. He’s not going to change as he can’t until he admits he’s abusive and takes responsibility. I would recommend contacting a local domestic abuse charity that can offer you one on one face to face support. If you go to your local children’s centre they’ll also be running a domestic abuse programme like the freedom programme and I highly recommend taking it.

Nicole1111 · 02/02/2024 15:28

Also, you might find this image helpful to consider when thinking about your relationship.

Partner said he’s bored of our relationship
CurlewKate · 02/02/2024 15:32

@Jellybean001 What would you say, think and feel if you watched your daughter in a relationship with a man like that? Or your son being a man like this to a woman?

Naunet · 02/02/2024 16:02

Well clearly he’s abusive and the children can’t grow up having that behaviour modelled to the, as normal. He will only fight you on the kids if he believes it will hurt you, so try and convince him you only want 50/50 or even less so you can focus on your career etc, and then he’ll drop it like a hot potato.

It doesn’t matter if you love him, you need to love your kids and yourself more, plus despite what romcoms preach, love is not all you need to make a happy relationship.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 02/02/2024 16:21

That is very useful. I think that should be shown to girls in Secondary schools in assembly's, forewarned is forearmed.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 02/02/2024 16:21

Sorry that reply was for @Nicole1111

Benicebenicebenice · 02/02/2024 17:16

He is abusive. I have never once said this on Mumsnet but I feel it necessary...LTB! 100% leave while you are young enough to build a future for yourself. He is awful!!

porridgeisbae · 02/02/2024 17:34

It's abuse. He's verbally abusive to hurt you. And calling you boring is probably manipulation trying to get you to do stuff he wants you to do (in the bedroom?)

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/02/2024 17:37

I can't give any other advice to someone who's in an abusive relationship other than to make plans to get out of the relationship.

mrssunshinexxx · 02/02/2024 17:43

If your son or daughter confided in you the way you have in the future, what would be your advise to them ? Do the right thing and fast

Y0URSELF · 02/02/2024 17:50

@Jellybean001 you need to get legal advice now, which will inform your plans for leavings . A solicitor can advise you about the deposit on your house and also about potential issues with the children.

Original poster
Jellybean001 · 15/02/2024 10:11

I just wanted to update you all as it was valentines night last night…. Since the other night we have spoken calmly about his anger issues and he said he would try to work on it…

Last night my partners Dad dropped off the children and he went to speak to my partner about a room he was completing. My son started screaming as he wanted to see him. I went upstairs and he told me to check on the food which, was code for take our son away. I didn’t realise this and just went to check on food and left my son upstairs. My partner then came downstairs and shoved my son into me very forcefully so he cried and told me I’m a stupid bitch for not understanding what he meant.

When his dad left, he was very angry with me calling me inconsiderate and bad mother for not being able to control the children. That I must be thick and slow. The valentines meal we were meant to eat together he grabbed handfuls of with his hands and threw it on a plate and ate in another room. I told him again to be mindful of his anger issues and he said he should be able to express his anger if he feels it and not suppress it.

I think this weekend I’m going to make plans to take the children and stay at my mums.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 15/02/2024 10:16

That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to speak to a women’s refuge imo. Please do not wait.

Original poster
Jellybean001 · 15/02/2024 10:20

Thank you - I need to get real and deal with this. For some reason I’ve been in complete denial and making excuses for him that he must be so stressed etc etc… which is why he’s been behaving even worse lately. I’ve contacted Women’s Aid and will also contact Women’s Refuge.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 15/02/2024 10:32

Flowers Jelly. It's not easy to see it when you are in the middle of it.
You are doing the right thing. Do you have access to money? could move so.e about with out him knowing?
Ducks in a row , and if there is a sniff he knows what you are planning just go.
Wishing all the luck in the world.

Octomama · 15/02/2024 10:35

@Jellybean001 you must be beside yourself with fear and worry but put that completely to
one side for now - your children are being abused.

Please read that back - your children are being abused.

If you found your partner hitting or sexually assaulting your children you'd be gone, in a heartbeat. But don't underestimate the harm caused to children who witness what you've described. Don't tell yourself they didn't hear, they were asleep, you're protecting them from it. You're not, because you can't. They don't feel safe, they are growing up learning to protect themselves through hyper vigilance, they are absorbing things around them that they won't fully process for years. You can change this for them.

Please listen to me, I have a wealth of experience working with traumatised children, please act now. If he promises to change, to seek help, then great, he can do all that and he can still be a Dad to his children, it's not all or nothing. But you must leave now, and create a new safe space for you and your children. Women's Aid will help you, good luck Flowers

BranchGold · 15/02/2024 10:40

Did his father witness the way he was behaving and treating you?