Partner said he’s bored of our relationship

[Jellybean001]

Hi everyone. I’ve woken up sad and hungover after what was meant to be a wonderful evening out with my partner last night everything ended up in a huge fight and lots of crying from me.

We have been together 4 years and have a 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter. We are also completing a massive house renovation and both have full on jobs. It has been very challenging at times and stressful dealing with two toddlers and our work - while trying to keep our relationship going.

He has done everything on the house and has worked very hard on it, every evening and weekend with a view to sell it and make lots of money in a few years.

I have recently secured a part time job to allow more time with the children and he has said that with the extra time, he wants to come home to a spotless house as I should be deep cleaning it in my spare time and have towels, plates etc aligned perfectly. I suppose because I can’t do the building work this is the deal to make things fair.

He is a very hard worker and very hard on himself and me, nothing I do seems to be right or enough for him. He also needs a lot of physical and emotional reassurance, and I have noticed that he can get very hot headed with me when he has had a drink. He has on occasion pushed me, for instance when I wasn’t quick enough grabbing a toy from my son in the bath, and he threw water over his socks. He pushed me over, grabbed the toy and made out to hit me with it and threw it violently across the room. He told me I have become fat and slow.

I used to marathon train before having children and have since stopped running gone up one dress size from an 8 to a 10. I am still slim, but cannot seem to find time to start running again and when I work out at home I am constantly interrupted.

Recently my partner has said that he is bored of our relationship. That I am austere and not fun loving and don’t make an effort with him. Last night I was trying not to yawn at dinner as I had very little sleep the night before (I always deal with the children when they are up in the night) and he took it very personally. Then he said we have nothing to talk about, that I am boring and he wanted someone fun loving and young to be with. I got very upset and just started crying. Had too much to drink and couldn’t control myself. I just let everything out and had a massive go at him - telling him I loved him, that I have never been a huggey touchy feely person (my father has never hugged me) but was trying my best to make him feel loved and appreciated - trying to help as much as I can on the house.

It just feels that every time I try and make him happy he finds a way to crush my spirit and make me feel awful about myself. That I am not good enough, have a chubby bottom, that mummy is lazy or too slow or stupid. I’m not really sure what to do as I love him and don’t want to break up the family - just don’t think I can shrug off the comments and change into the person he wants me to be.

He sounds like an awful bully.

Heavens - this is not someone to spend a life with.

I’d keep working full time for now; there’s little point in counselling with a guy with these views.
See a really good family solicitor who can guide you on steps you should take to separate.
You will have a happier life without him as a partner.

I imagine at the start of the relationship he was wonderful. Sadly it's often when you are commited, such as house, marriage or children that their true nature appears.

You seem like a capable and intelligent woman but living with someone who undermines you will impact your confidence. I would recommend you read a few books that will help you understand why it's unlikely to get better. Lundy, "Why does he do that" and also Patricia Evans, " verbally abusive relationship"

A key factor in my leaving was when exH started to dismiss and invalid me infront of our children. I realised then how much damage this would do to mother/child bond and how it would affect them longterm. I'm glad to say we how have a very strong relationship.

he got you pregnant after about 5 minutes, and I imagine that was a calculated move on his part

this man is an awful, abusive bully.

had you dated properly for a year or two before setting up home without the rose tinted glasses of ‘my baby dad’, I’m sure he would have had a festival of red flags.

nothing you describe is normal or can be fixed through ‘communication’

This is a bad man and you need a plan.
You mention that you have low self-esteem, this will be part of what drew him to you. Predatory abusive people who want to exploit others will smell low self-esteem like a shark smells blood in the water.
It makes it easy for him to control and manipulate you.

He’s an abusive piece of shit. I think you know what you need to do here - leave, for the sake of your children as well as yourself. Before the beatings start.

Abuse types infographic. I never thought my family had these issues until I saw this infographic and I thought we were pretty normal, but it's not and it's not ok.

I'm going to link this here so you can see the different types of abuse but do be careful if you think he controls your computer/phone usage.

Abuse & control infographic

Only been together four years and have a three year old and a two year old is a tremendous strain on even tempered and rational people, which he isn't.

I can't see how this is going to work as you really didn't know each other well before having children and the cracks in the relationship are only going to get wider.

You're going ho have to split up but meanwhile, keep away from alcohol as that only going to make things worse.

Confidence follows actions. You can't get your confidence up to leave. You need to start doing things to prepare for leaving and that will build your confidence for the final step.

OP, please think hard about who you could open up to IRL and tell them what you have said here. This is really important. You probably aren't going to do anything in a rush, given the circumstances, but its essential for your perspective, mental health and safety that you have at least one real life confident.

He pushed me over, grabbed the toy and made out to hit me with it and threw it violently across the room. He told me I have become fat and slow.

Darling you are being abused. You need to leave. You need to levae for you, and for your children. Think of your lovely little girl - do you want her to think that a man can push her and throw things at her? You need to reach out to your support network and leave,

Well done on securing a job. Now you need to leave him,hoepfully you will make money on the house and can start again. I would bet that he won't file for custody.

Well, tell him you’re bored to fucking tears living with a vile bully and terrible role model to your children. Jesus, there’s absolutely zero to love about him.

Whilst he 100% deserves to be told this, I don't think this will be a good strategy for the op.
This man is volatile and violent and dangerous. I would focus on keeping him sweet, keeping everything calm and quiet, don't make any sudden moves or antagonize him. In the background and completely out of his sight I would focus on making a cast iron escape plan.

You absolutely need to leave him OP, he is awful and abusive. I know rebuilding self-esteem is a long process but if you can't leave for yourself, please leave for your kids. You all deserve better.

He sounds like a nasty bully who treats you like shit. What exactly is it that you love about him? If my husband spoke about me like that I'd have kicked him out so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground! And the losing his temper and pushing you should be the final straw.

he has said that with the extra time, he wants to come home to a spotless house as I should be deep cleaning it in my spare time and have towels, plates etc aligned perfectly

I got this far and though, yep, he's abusive. And it appears that's the tip of the iceberg.

"Thank you for your messages. I think part of the problem is that I have very low self esteem - not really sure why, as I am on paper a very successful woman. I have allowed men in the past to treat me like this, as I felt I didnt deserve any better".

Your children cannot afford to learn a similar set of damaging lessons as you did.
They are currently growing up in a home beset by domestic violence and it will harm them markedly going forward.

Your relationship with him is well and truly over due to the abuse he metes out.
Every post you've written on this thread are all words that an abused woman would write.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Is the property a jointly held mortgage or tenancy?.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents when you were growing up?. The low self esteem started somewhere and its likely from childhood?.

Were your needs overlooked, were you not seen as "good enough", were your parents too preoccupied with their own selves to see you properly?.

Abuse like described thrives on secrecy; you have taken a small but vital step in writing about this on here. Keep going. You need to plan an exit from this with due care and attention and this is where Womens Aid can and will help you.

"mummy is lazy or too slow or stupid"

He's using talking to your children to insult you and impress on them how undeserving you are, undermining your bond with them, undermining their trust in you. He's just manipulating and using them and trying to warp what your normal relationship should be with them.

He doesn't care about the health and well being of either you or them.

They are still young... what will it be like after years of him treating them this?

He is grim and nasty. You are his punch bag. You should have said ''go ahead'' when he said he wanted someone more ''fun and young''! .(Oh no!) And added you would have the house in that case plus maintenance! Hope your name is on Deeds if unmarried.

If he wanted lightness and fun all the time he should of learnt to use contraception.
You didn't give yourself time to get to know him 2 DC's in 4 years is a fast-paced change. He clearly has OCD issues, probably knows he has some bad personality traits and abusive tendencies. This is what abusers often do, they trap women early on by getting them pregnant before they've had a chance to realise what's going on. Then the abuse ramps up as he will aim to destroy any remnants of self-esteem you have to ensure you cannot leave.
You've made a mistake being with him, it happens, especially when there's already a tendency to put up with poir treatment. Forgive yourself, you are an intelligent and capable woman and can see that this is not right.
It's time to look at your financial setup and plan your future as best you can. Whether that is to bide your time until the house can be sold, or sooner, is up to you. Meantime, it will hurt you less if you can disengage and grey rock, give up date nights with him. I'd be tempted to go back to working ft, he then does not have a leg to stand on with household tasks and has to do 50/50. Plus, you need the money and to keep your career on track.

OP, so sorry to read this. How absolutely awful.

This is very straightforward - he is a fucking monster and you need to get out and away from him permanently.

Thanks for the messages.

So financially we own the house 50:50 and both our names are on the deeds. Unfortunately - I sold my own house to buy this much larger house with my partner. He did a lot of work to the old house, and I knew he would do a lot of work to this property so he convinced me it was fair.

Every month we sit down and write every transaction into a spreadsheet for budgeting purposes. While initially this seemed like a good idea, I have to justify anything I buy and explain what it was for. If I go over our agreed budget for the month in any area he gets very agitated and angry.

That sounds like being marked on your homework by an angry teacher.

And you put a sizeable amount of equity into this property. Doesn't matter if he did the odd job around the place for selling.