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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible?...

67 replies

tallglass98 · 01/02/2024 16:27

I'm not really sure what I expect to gain from talking on here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to so here goes.

Is it possible that so much emotional stress can cause you to resent your partner who you love so much?

My partner has 2 children with his ex partner 4 and 6. I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have had nothing but stress from his ex partner. They own a house together and she has no interest in selling the house. This could potentially be going to court, it's currently in the process of doing so.

I am 22 years old and my partner is 26. I think I was naive to think that I would be able to handle this level of emotional stress. Their children are amazing and I adore them but their mother is constantly bringing different partners in and out the children's lives and then when these short lived relationships don't work out we suffer the backlash with constant mind games and attempts to ruin our days.

I find myself thinking if I could go back in time I would've just walked straight past him. This aches my heart to admit because he is such a lovely person and treats me well however I worry I now resent him. I don't get the same excited feelings I used to but could this just be a phase? Or is it genuinely done once these thoughts begin to enter your brain. I have stuck by him for so long trying to help him stay strong but I fear I have lost myself.

OP posts:
Morecatsarebetter · 01/02/2024 16:30

22 is very young to be dealing with all this. You deserve some fun at that age.

Ladyj84 · 01/02/2024 16:42

22 and your stuck in the middle, I wouldn't stay

Deadringer · 01/02/2024 16:52

Yes it is possible to resent your dp because of stress, and tbh it is a passion killer and ime can ultimately cause you to fall out of love too. As pp said you are young and should be having fun, not stuck with your dp's marital problems. Obviously I know nothing about his marriage or his ex, but the woman has very young children and of course she isn't interested in selling the family home, she might have to, she might not, but naturally she won't want to. You really don't need this shit at your age

Opentooffers · 01/02/2024 18:31

Don't move in with him if you haven't already. It's important to keep a distance from the situation. The temptation is to get too involved while trying to support, but really, the best thing is for you not to get involved, make it not a topic of discussion and by doing that, become the fun side of life. At your age, it should be about the fun of dating, not chewing over his woes, that's for him to sort alone.

pictoosh · 01/02/2024 18:38

Why on earth do you want to be a stepmother and surrounded by ex wife hassle at your age?
I was 22 once and would have bolted from this.

TheShellBeach · 01/02/2024 18:43

So you were just out of your teens when you met this man. That's very young to have all this stress going on.

I'd give the relationship up, if I were you. This is going to get more and more difficult.

Aroundthewaygirl · 01/02/2024 18:44

I would never ever date a man with kids at your age.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/02/2024 21:00

Too much drama for a 22 year old.

SamW98 · 01/02/2024 21:04

You’re far too young to be caught up in the drama.

Walk away and live your youth rather than be a step mum. This is too much stress for someone double your age to deal with.

DiamondGazette · 01/02/2024 21:11

Much as you love him, you deserve to enjoy your 20's and not get caught up in becoming a stepmother and dealing with the drama of the ex wife and your partner. Walk away. Go and have some fun.

Lovemusic82 · 01/02/2024 21:15

I became a step mother at 21, worst mistake I ever made. I kept thinking things would get easier but they got worse. His ex and their dc would always come first over me and our 2 dc. I left when my dc were 11 and 9, I really wish I had left sooner……or not got into the situation in the first place. Your young, you will meet someone who hasn’t got baggage, someone who can put you first.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/02/2024 21:20

I have a dd just a bit older than you. If it was her I would be saying leave.

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2024 21:21

You can do better OP. Don't saddle yourself with this bloke.

Channellingsophistication · 01/02/2024 23:15

this is way too much to deal with at 22. I think you’d be better off ending this relationship

Original poster
tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:08

Thank you everyone :(

I agree with all of the above but I think all the promises it will all work out have made me fall in love with the idea of who he could be and how the situation could be...

I think I am scared to be alone too, which is hard for me to admit. I love him so much but I just don't think I am in love with him anymore.

So much has happened and the relationship he has with his children's mother is not nice for me to see as that could be me one day and I don't want that for me.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 02/02/2024 10:16

When I was 22 I had just moved to London and was having a great time, men were there to enjoy sex with and then be kicked out of the door, no way would I have lived with one. I also think you are too young to bother with Ex partner shit, it is up to him to deal with her.

Original poster
tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:21

He gets me involved far too much and my family tell me I shouldn't be involved all the time and how he should handle his own issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:21

Do you all think after some time I would feel it was the right thing to do for me?

OP posts:
DiamondGazette · 02/02/2024 10:26

tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:21

Do you all think after some time I would feel it was the right thing to do for me?

Yes, definitely, you will feel sad at first, but reconnect with your friends, make new ones, go travelling, book tickets for a summer festival and enjoy being 22 with no ties. In a year, you will look back and see this was the best decision you've ever made. Go for it.

GoldDuster · 02/02/2024 10:26

I find myself thinking if I could go back in time I would've just walked straight past him.

This is your sign to end it. If you're wishing you'd never met him, then you end it.

Resentment leads to contempt which is a death sentence for a relationship. You're 22. That would be young enough to become a step parent even in a fully functioning healthy family set up, which this is not. If the only thing that's keeping you there is that you don't want to be alone, have some respect for him, for the children and most of all for yourself and do better. You have your whole adult life in front of you and the can decide how you spend it. It's up to you. Free yourself to live your own life, don't tag yourself onto someone elses.

HollyKnight · 02/02/2024 10:30

In the grand scheme of things, 2 years is nothing. Trying not to sound patronising here, but you are young and these years should be about discovering what you want and need in life and what you don't. You're not supposed to settle down yet. This relationship has been good in that it has taught you the reality of broken families. So use this experience to ensure you make a good strong choice for your own children (if you want any that is). This man and his troubles aren't it. You have youth and time on your side, so don't settle for this life.

Lovemusic82 · 02/02/2024 10:31

tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:21

Do you all think after some time I would feel it was the right thing to do for me?

You will for sure. Don’t leave it as long as I did (I got married and had 2 dc), I regret not leaving early on. You will be free from all his baggage and free from his ex. Your young, go and have fun and be free.

Original poster
tallglass98 · 02/02/2024 10:32

Scared to be alone is the wrong choice of words, I fear that I will regret it as I love his kids and I love him but the stress has really eaten away at me. His ex partner stalked, abused and hurt me and my family to get at him and I think I am beginning to see the consequence off of this. I have tried to hold myself together and him but I have lost myself in the meantime. I have been so blinded thinking about what it could be.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 02/02/2024 10:36

In all honesty I can hardly remember who my boyfriend was when I was in my early twenties, and although this seems massive now, in the grand scheme of what will hopefully be a long life full of enjoyable relationships this is a blip you'll look back on and wonder why you gave it two years of your time.

It's not your job to hold him together, and "what could be" is not your friend when it comes to choosing a partner. What Is, is all there is and you need to decide if you want what's on the table right now, or walk away.

Ladolcevita233 · 02/02/2024 10:42

You are very young to be dealing with all that shit.

Fuck, at 22 I was travelling, footloose and fancy free.

He also sounds like he's not a great person, to be dragging you into things and not handling his own business like a mature adult.

Also, sorry but I find when men are broken up from the mother of their young kids, they are rarely rarely good guys/partners.
They always blame the ex but it's usually them or both of them.

You are so young and could meet someone without all this hassle and complications and baggage

Also you're not going to have as much money for your kids with a guy who already has to pay for two kids .... Than with a guy where you both have your first kids together.
That matters.
Kids and everything in life - is really expensive.
It's hard enough without your household money being cut to pay for someone's kids from a previous relationship.
If you had kids ot would be equal, but it's not .... All the loss/compromise for you and your future kids is on your side, not his.

It's a bad deal, when you could get a better deal.