Is it possible?...

[tallglass98]

I'm not really sure what I expect to gain from talking on here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to so here goes.

Is it possible that so much emotional stress can cause you to resent your partner who you love so much?

My partner has 2 children with his ex partner 4 and 6. I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have had nothing but stress from his ex partner. They own a house together and she has no interest in selling the house. This could potentially be going to court, it's currently in the process of doing so.

I am 22 years old and my partner is 26. I think I was naive to think that I would be able to handle this level of emotional stress. Their children are amazing and I adore them but their mother is constantly bringing different partners in and out the children's lives and then when these short lived relationships don't work out we suffer the backlash with constant mind games and attempts to ruin our days.

I find myself thinking if I could go back in time I would've just walked straight past him. This aches my heart to admit because he is such a lovely person and treats me well however I worry I now resent him. I don't get the same excited feelings I used to but could this just be a phase? Or is it genuinely done once these thoughts begin to enter your brain. I have stuck by him for so long trying to help him stay strong but I fear I have lost myself.

I think your family is right, and you should listen to them. They have your best interests at heart, while your boyfriend necessarily has to put his children first, before his relationship with you. He's currently using you as a crutch to prop him up through all this.

You are so young to get embroiled all this. There's no need to split up with him altogether, but you need to take a massive step back and wait until things have calmed down. Only then can you decide whether he is right for you.

In the meantime - don't get pregnant.

His ex partner stalked, abused and hurt me and my family to get at him and I think I am beginning to see the consequence off of this

Maybe she's entirely batshit; or maybe her behaviour is a reflection of how he was a d continued to be; you may not know the full story.

The truly batshit/evil/crazy/unhinged exes are few and far between in my experience.

It's interesting he's gone for someone only just past full adult age, and may e greener than someone his own age.

That's no insult to you; it's entirely normal and natural to be greener in your early 20s than eg late 20s/30s and so on.

Im in my 40s and look back in my 30s and think "fk you were actually still quite naive". You took what men told you at face value, you weren't anywhere near sceptical enough".

I've been with my DH for just over 3 years. I have 3 stepkids and his ex is an absolute nightmare.

Being a stepmum is tough, especially at 22. It's a lot to take on. I was 33 when I met my DH so got to enjoy my 20s without having the responsibility of kids.

Things have gotten better over time and what has improved our situation is having a court order and holding firm boundaries. When I met DH the parenting schedule was agreed between them however after a year of 50:50 the ex wanted to make changes my DH didn't think was in the best interests of my DSD. The ex stopped contact basically to force him to give her what she wanted and we didn't see DSD for 2 months. He went through lawyers and mediation and eventually they for a formal agreement in place which has made things so much better as there are fewer disagreements. So if she's using the kids as bargaining tool you need to get to court ASAP. Your OH can self-represent and it costs £232 to make an application.

In terms of boundaries with the ex, my DH will ignore any irrelevant messages and only reply to messages that need a response such as a schedule change. Google the grey rock method.

If you feel she is doing things to ruin your day think about how you can stop that happening. If she's constantly calling while you're out with the kids block her so she can't call. Set up a separate email which your OH can check intermittently or use a parenting app. A word of warning, she will likely kick off as you start to put boundaries up and she starts to lose the control she has over you OH but stand firm and over time she will get bored when she doesn't get the reaction she wants.

You also need to try and let go of some of the things going on at the ex's house unless the kids are in immediate danger. You can't control how she chooses to parent but in the same respect she can't tell your OH how to parent either. Kids thrive on routine and boundaries so make sure you set them for your home even if they're different from their mum's house.

I do feel as though 2 years have just passed me by, bare in mind i was 20 when this all began. The "what if's" torments me.

You are still young, find someone who has no kids.

You can do it.

Having read your updates I think you should walk away. If your heart was fully in it then my advice above would apply but you're having second thoughts about the relationship and I think that resentment will only grow.

Even in the thick of it when my DHs ex was making our lives hell I never once wished I hadn't met him.

I always had a fear of being alone and ended up married at 24 to someone who wasn't right for me at all. I wish I had worried less about relationships and just enjoyed my 20s. You'll make a much better partner in your 30s when you full know yourself, can depend on yourself and don't need to rely on other people to feel valued. I found my need to be wanted stemmed from low self-esteem. I suggest you work on that. Go on holiday on your own, go day trips on your own, do things just for you. Do some charity work, apply for that job that involves traveling, do a course in something that interests you. Learn your worth. Become the best person you can be then when you're ready to settle down find someone who recognises your worth and adds value to your life rather than just stress.

This is what I would have told my 20 year old self but I know she probably wouldn't have listened anyway!

I'm now married to the guy I dated in high school. We didn't see each other in 15 years. In that time I got married and he had 3 kids. If it's meant to be it'll be when the time is right. But don't dwell on it. Plenty more fish in the sea.

I have only started feeling this way the last few weeks or so. For 2 and a half years I have been his "crutch" I have lied to my friends and family about how things were and made constant excuses for him. I catch myself in a daze when I really think about all the things I have dealt with that no one really knows about because I never wanted to hear the words I told you so but also on the flip side he does treat me well, always wants to spend time with me and the kids together and I never ever thought there would come a day where I thought I wish I never met him but unfortunately I think I was naive to think at 20 years old I could step parent my partners children whilst also trying to help my partner and his situation.

22* years old x

I also think in order for a relationship to work under the circumstances we both endured with our partners you have to feel 100% secure with your partner, as you clearly do. With mine, I don't feel secure. I also notice sometimes he would put me before his kids, is this a big red flag in itself?

have lied to my friends and family about how things were and made constant excuses for him.

If you ever have to lie to other people about your relationship, it’s a good sign it isn’t a good or healthy situation.

Yes, you absolutely need to be 100% secure with your partner but also with yourself.

I don't think him putting you before the kids at times is a red flag but it totally depends. Also, there's a difference between putting your kids first and putting the ex first. Your OH telling the ex "no" if she asks him to take the kids when it's not his scheduled time and you have plans is not putting you before the kids, it's putting you before the ex. If he's constantly cancelling his scheduled time with the kids to take you out then yes that's a red flag.

People say "the kids should ALWAYS come first" but I don't agree. Kids shouldn't be the centre of the universe. It's unhealthy to grow up thinking everyone should drop everything for you regardless of what they're doing or that you should always get your way.

In my marriage, although the kids are a priority our relationship is also a priority. Our marriage is the solid foundation of our family and needs to be nurtured or the whole family falls apart. Lots of marriages fail after kids because people neglect them and focus only on the kids. Then when the kids up and leave you're left with 2 unhappily married people.

I just want to be happy again :(

What a load of nonsense.
Most of my male friends who are estranged from their partners with kids have been cheated on, subjected to abuse or otherwise mistreated - it's awful to suggest it's their fault.

People break up for all sorts of reasons, suggesting most of them are the man's fault is pretty shocking.

Oh love you’re so young to be dealing with this shit.

Honestly if you were my daughter I’d be telling you to walk away from this drama, be single and have fun with your friends like people your age.

You’ve got plenty of years left to have a family life when it’s right man and right time.

Yea you will miss him and the children but you need to live your life for YOU

I know.. my nana went through the same thing with my grandad although she was 36 when she met my grandad and had both already had kids, grown up kids. Not still babies :( and she even said it was a lot for her to deal with nevermind at the age I was at the beginning of our relationship. I've always been very mature for my age but I'm still young and learning like we have said above. It is all just a matter of head and heart 💔

If you feel unhappy and stressed now, you will feel so much resentment as time goes on and you throw more of your life away on this stressful situation. It’s not going to get better.
It sounds complicated and at your age you deserve uncomplicated happiness. I would leave in your shoes.

Thank you everyone ❤️

Op it's not that you are too young to deal with relationships or hassle. It's that you are not happy.

I was married at 21. But we were happy. No relationship is perfect. But there should be happiness and fun. Experiences and holidays. Yes support each other through tough times. But you seem to have endured constant battles.

As I said previously, if you were my daughter I would advise you to leave.

Think about what you want. What you want your future to look like. What will make you happy.
Then follow the path that will lead you to that.

Wishing you all the best.

Amen to this.

Hi everyone,

I think he can tell something has shifted as he's become this person overnight that wants to better himself and hinting he's bought me gifts?

22 is very young to commit to someone, and to be a stepmum. Even if it was a 'perfect' relationship (which yours isn't).

If you find yourself lying to family and friends about your partner, ask yourself why. It means there is a side of your partner (or a large part of them) that you are embarrassed by, or you're putting up with behaviour you're embarrassed to be putting up with. It means there is a part of your partner you don't want your friends and family to know. Think about what that means.

Please don't be afraid to be single. At 22 the best gift you can give yourself (and you will be glad of it throughout life at different times) is to be independent, happy on your own, comfy in your own company, not reliant on a man, or any other person for your happiness.

You deserve better than this relationship.

He's going to try to impress you now, as he can see you've realised how crap your situation is. His efforts will be temporary. If he reels you back in he'll go back to the old behaviour. And in any case, even if he changed things now for good - could you ever forget how he's made you feel? Why did he allow that to happen for so long? Why did he make you so unhappy?

I repeat - you deserve better than him.

A gift is going to make you happy for like what? 5 minutes? Then your life goes back to being as it was. You're still going to be miserable but with a new necklace or whatever.

Buying a gift is easy. Promising to be better or putting on an act is easy. For this to work he has to actually make permanent changes and make you a priority. Please don't allow yourself to be won over with gifts.

Hi,

Believe me a gift is the last thing I desire in all of this. I want change and I'm aware the gift is to probably distract me from the lack of change.

God I'm struggling. I know what I have to do but it's the doing it part. 2 years of putting him and his kids before myself for what? Me to just give up?

I feel guilty.

Discard him, not worth even one second of thought. You have 3 years until the decision making part of your brain is fully developed.
No need for angst or arguing, just tell the man you're not enjoying dating him and it's over, thanks, don't contact you again.

There's an entire world out there, four billion males, go and start your life and have so much fun. Only date a man if he hugely enhances your life and is fun. That's the whole point of a relationship.