Is it possible?...

[tallglass98]

I'm not really sure what I expect to gain from talking on here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to so here goes.

Is it possible that so much emotional stress can cause you to resent your partner who you love so much?

My partner has 2 children with his ex partner 4 and 6. I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have had nothing but stress from his ex partner. They own a house together and she has no interest in selling the house. This could potentially be going to court, it's currently in the process of doing so.

I am 22 years old and my partner is 26. I think I was naive to think that I would be able to handle this level of emotional stress. Their children are amazing and I adore them but their mother is constantly bringing different partners in and out the children's lives and then when these short lived relationships don't work out we suffer the backlash with constant mind games and attempts to ruin our days.

I find myself thinking if I could go back in time I would've just walked straight past him. This aches my heart to admit because he is such a lovely person and treats me well however I worry I now resent him. I don't get the same excited feelings I used to but could this just be a phase? Or is it genuinely done once these thoughts begin to enter your brain. I have stuck by him for so long trying to help him stay strong but I fear I have lost myself.

Very possible. I'm 43 and have a similar ish situation. The stress of it on both Dh and me is untenable. It's made us both ill and as a result our relationship is suffering-there isn't room for anything else and anything I've we try and do gets spoiled. No sign of it going away either so I don't have an answer. Except as op have said you aren't yet attached to this man in any concrete way. Maybe you should take a break and see if things improve after a bit of time?

Don't feel guilty OP. You need to do what's right for you honey.

You'll look back on this is a year's time and be glad you left for your own peace. You'll be so much better off out of all this drama xx

You're not giving up at all, it's really quite the opposite. You're choosing yourself.

Don't see it as a defeat, it's you doing what's best for you which is such an important thing to be able to do! If you don't, who will?

It's not giving up. It's realising you're worth more than what you're getting.

Don't think of it as 2 years wasted. Even relationships that don't work out teach us things. You'll have grown as a person in those 2 years. 2 years is better than 5 years or 10 years with the same result.

I find myself thinking if I could go back in time I would've just walked straight past him.

You can walk straight past him now, to the door and through it. That would be a good plan for a young woman who has no reason at all to stay in such a stressful situation. Leave.

eta: For context, I'm 66. The time between 22 and 66 passes in a blink of an eye. Get out of the bad place now, and have as much fun as you can. Old age is looking for you - capture your youth before it escapes you.

Hi everyone me again..

I believe I am ready to leave but I am so anxious and overwhelmed at the thought.
I really did see a future with him but I no longer like what I see :(

I respect him enough to tell him and I know I need to but when? When is the timing right? How? The thought breaks my heart but I know it is the right thing to do.

He is holding me back not intentionally but I think he thinks his children are my responsibility too and I think he forgets I am young too :(

Whenever. Just tell him that dating him is not enjoyable, the relationship is over, nothing to discuss, all the best, byeeee’ enjoy life.

Hi OP - his children are certainly not your responsibility. Don't let him persuade you of that.

I know it’s hard but now you have made the decision, I think you need to put yourself first.

Tell him where and when it is best for you. Tell him what seems right to you.

You sound like you have a kind heart, that can be both a good and a bad thing for you. I think your partner has over involved you in his complicated life. You sound as if you have given too much of yourself to support him.

Theres a couple of lovely MN sayings I think would serve you well.

Dont set yourself on fire, to keep someone else warm.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.

You are 22, go and have some uncomplicated fun. If this has taught you anything, it must be don’t have kids too young.

Op it’s a really hard lesson to learn but love just isn’t enough sometimes. Other practical things have to be right too like timing, money, housing, equal effort and other people’s children.

So many times it’s women giving up living their best life for men too when young dc are involved! Would he have put up with your ex and your dc if the boot was on the other foot?

I have daughters near your age and they are studying and travelling and having fun!

Op you know what you need to do. The best way is to pack a bag and say you are going away for a few days to think. You don’t need his “blessing” or “permission”. Have your bag prepared and ready to go before you discuss it with him. Go somewhere where you have support like your family or a close friend. Once you have been away for a few days then ask to meet on neutral territory and tell him you want to end it. Then when he is out at work one day, get some help from a friend and go and collect the rest of your stuff.

The fact that you are so worried about this is making me a bit nervous for you though. Is it just because this situation is new to you or is he controlling at all op? If the latter, be careful, and get some rl support to be there when you leave. Good luck.

In your position I would try to gather together any of your belongings in his house and then tell him in a neutral, public place. The reality is he needs to focus on his DC and establishing a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex, you need to focus on your future without being hassled by his ex, without the stress of your family being harrassed by his ex, and without him making his kids and his troubled co-parenting relationship your responsibility too. It suits him to make you responsible for his kids, it takes the load off him but that's entirely unfair to you at any age. Good luck with moving forward and don't be guilted into staying for the kids sake, their welfare is the concern of their parents.

Would he have put up with your ex and your dc if the boot was on the other foot?
We all know the answer to this is a big fat NO.

I promise you will look back at this time and wonder why on earth you put up with all the drama for two whole years. There are many adventures round the corner, you need to set yourself free and live your life.

Hi everyone,

Update -

So I managed to be strong enough to ask for space and time. Now, he is sending me paragraphs and telling me how much this has opened his eyes. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders the last 5 days and I haven't felt once ounce of stress. I've been sad and I have missed him lots but the anxious, on edge feeling has gone completely.

It really is a battle between head and heart.

He has also moved back to his mother's home!

Name change fail?

So has he taken the children?