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Original poster

Are YOU the one that plans all the fun stuff in your marriage/relationship?

67 replies

BeyondAReasonableDoubt · 01/02/2024 13:31

Just wondering if it's you who usually comes up with fun stuff to do/places to go visit etc. If so, do you ever wish your partner did instead?

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 01/02/2024 13:35

Me. I do all the booking/planning/research. It doesn't bother me.

mynewcar100 · 01/02/2024 13:42

Me. I do it all. If I suggest going out and book baby sitters etc then even ask DH to think of what he would like to do or where to eat... he can't. He cannot make a decision. It really fucks me off. I'm fed up of being the instigator, one who suggests it all/, books it all etc it's just miserable. I want to be picked up, table booked and told to just get myself ready and look hot. But never. DH can't pick me up lol but he could clean his car out and whisk me for the night without swearing at every other driver/ making hand gestures.

Ecstaticmotion · 01/02/2024 13:44

Yep. I've largely accepted it, but I've also recently tried a new tactic where there's a date in our shared calendar every 6 weeks and we alternate who's expected to come up with the idea. That way, he has it in his schedule and it makes him think about it, and I feel like he's put some effort in. So far it's working well. He seems to feel happy about doing it when it's his turn, but he would never have come up with it without the prompt from the system. A lot of men seem to be bad at this generally imo.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 01/02/2024 13:48

Yep that's me. I do however ask what DH would like to do or where to eat ... and I included these.

I do it because I am better at doing this. He's better at organising the house, garden, car maintenance and other every day stuff .... I think it's pretty even.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/02/2024 13:49

I'm single now but my experience is that it is usually women who organise the "couple activity" stuff, and this is because those activities are more appealing to the wife/girlfriend, and the husband/boyfriend honestly wouldn't care if they never went on another citybreak or beach picnic or barbeque with other couples. Men have no trouble organising stuff they actually want to do.

NewYearNewCalendar · 01/02/2024 13:52

That’s what we default to. I’m certainly the one who’ll do things like keeping an eye on local events, and book tickets if there’s something I think we’ll enjoy. But, for example, I can say to DH “I want a night away for my birthday” and he’ll research a nice hotel and somewhere for dinner.

Caffeinedetox · 01/02/2024 14:12

Yep me. Holidays, weekends away, meals out, seeing friends and family (even if it's his family!). I don't mind as I am a planner and a bit of a control freak but sometime wonder if we would ever actually leave the house if it wasn't for me sorting it 😂It's my 40th later this year and I have stressed that I want him to plan something and he's said he will so we'll see! To be fair to him, he is brilliant in so many ways that even if it did bother me, I wouldn't complain as he deals with all the crap I don't want to do and I never have to ask for his help with anything domestic / practical.

Shadowssang · 01/02/2024 14:31

Yes. Been together 25 yrs.

When we got married, I organised every detail, as DH didn’t want to. I thought this sucked and eventually put my foot down and told him he had to plan and organise the honeymoon.

It was shit, he just booked the first hotel he saw (business city type place in wrong weather timing for that location ) and there was nothing to do. Honeymoon was actually the worst holiday I’ve been on.

I haven’t asked him to research/plan anything since. It is just not his strength.

CocoPlum · 01/02/2024 14:39

I usually do it but have really slowed down on it in the last couple of years as I found that me suggesting/booking = me paying. (Not married or living together so no shared finances). I got really fed up as he never offered to split the cost, so we just don't do as much any more 😔

Caffeinedetox · 01/02/2024 14:43

Shadowssang · 01/02/2024 14:31

Yes. Been together 25 yrs.

When we got married, I organised every detail, as DH didn’t want to. I thought this sucked and eventually put my foot down and told him he had to plan and organise the honeymoon.

It was shit, he just booked the first hotel he saw (business city type place in wrong weather timing for that location ) and there was nothing to do. Honeymoon was actually the worst holiday I’ve been on.

I haven’t asked him to research/plan anything since. It is just not his strength.

Sorry but this made me laugh out loud 😂 This is why I don't really ask my DP to plan anything either. I know full well he'd leave it until the day before to book somewhere and we'd just end up in anywhere that had availability! Bless him. He's brilliant in loads of ways and I couldn't ask for a more loving, caring and supportive DP but planning and organising is just not his forte!

Barbadossunset · 01/02/2024 14:50

I keep the social life diary and generally make the plans - obviously I check with dh that he’s happy with what we’re doing.
I don’t mind as dh more than pulls his weight - he does so much about the house and is brilliant at DIY and mending stuff.
However, once we went to Norfolk in the camper van where we have friends and relations and dh organised everything. It was absolute bliss - I didn’t have to think about anything, make sure we left on time etc - all I had to do was be ready on time.

BigFatLiar · 01/02/2024 14:57

To some extent.
We both enjoy the same sort of things with the exception that he doesn't like hot places so if I want to go somewhere hot I go alone.
As someone else has said he's not that bothered and will happily sit in the garden reading or potter down the allotment.

We're both retired and OH's retirement holiday project is to visit all the seaside towns with piers or proms. While I enjoy foreign travel I must admit I enjoy these visits with him. We also visit lots of ancient sites which again I do enjoy.

Mainats · 01/02/2024 15:16

Jesus, such a low bar for men. Women, your husbands no doubt can handle complex planning in their jobs. If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit. They see it as women's work.

Barbadossunset · 01/02/2024 18:40

If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit.

I don’t see it like that. I organise most of our plans but then I can’t plumb in the new dishwasher or replace tiles on the roof or lots of things like that.

lifeispainauchocolat · 01/02/2024 19:00

No, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who never bothered to arrange anything for us to do. It smacks of them not caring.

For us, it's 50-50.

lifeispainauchocolat · 01/02/2024 19:00

Mainats · 01/02/2024 15:16

Jesus, such a low bar for men. Women, your husbands no doubt can handle complex planning in their jobs. If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit. They see it as women's work.

God, exactly. This thread is depressing and it's only got 14 responses!

lifeispainauchocolat · 01/02/2024 19:01

Barbadossunset · 01/02/2024 18:40

If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit.

I don’t see it like that. I organise most of our plans but then I can’t plumb in the new dishwasher or replace tiles on the roof or lots of things like that.

What does that have to do with your DH arranging something nice for you to do together, though?

Barbadossunset · 01/02/2024 19:03

What does that have to do with your DH arranging something nice for you to do together, though?

He does for my birthday. Anyway, I’m perfectly happy with our division of tasks.

lifeispainauchocolat · 01/02/2024 19:04

Barbadossunset · 01/02/2024 19:03

What does that have to do with your DH arranging something nice for you to do together, though?

He does for my birthday. Anyway, I’m perfectly happy with our division of tasks.

Each to their own, I guess. I'd be pretty miserable if my DH never bothered to plan something nice with me unless it was my birthday, though.

usedtobeasizeten · 01/02/2024 19:07

No…we each suggest/arrange things to do.

SallyWD · 01/02/2024 19:16

No my DH plans it all. He's more adventurous and energetic than me so he's always planning things.

Alwaysalwayscold · 01/02/2024 19:18

Mainats · 01/02/2024 15:16

Jesus, such a low bar for men. Women, your husbands no doubt can handle complex planning in their jobs. If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit. They see it as women's work.

I honestly couldn't be in a relationship with all these people who are so obsessed with every little thing being exactly 50/50 and equal. Life doesn't work that way.

So because I do all of our planning, my DH doesn't give a shit about me? No, that's just something I do, just like anything car/DIY related is just something he does.

I'm not scared of gender roles, they don't become the stereotype by accident.

Tillybud81 · 01/02/2024 19:38

I did all the planning with my ex, from holidays to what we ate everyday for tea, it was exhausting. He organised and planned nothing for me/us, except maybe a couple of birthday meals out for me.
I couldn't even say he did all the car/diy stuff cos that was pretty 50/50.

I'm definitely better at organising things and wouldn't have expected holidays to be booked by him but the occasional meal/fun day out/esential home stuff might of been nice. I resented him so badly for it in the end

22FrustatedUser · 01/02/2024 19:41

Yes and it fucks me off.

Going on holiday each and every time creates issues and I always nearly end up wanting to just bin the idea. But we go and then it 99% of the time works out fine.

He always claims to have a lot on his mind and thinking about work.

I too work FT but don't seem to have this issue.

Full disclosure we've had a barney earlier today so I'm not in a mood to paint him in a good light.

He does his fair share in other ways though so I'll begrudgingly give him that 🤣

Not sure why this has quoted...

MrsJellybee · 01/02/2024 19:48

I’m better at the day-to-day organising of eating out, movies, bowling etc, but DH does the big events… birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. He is meticulous about holidays. He asks where I want to go this year and approximate budget, then he deals with it. I don’t even check. I trust his judgement and he has never let me down.