Are YOU the one that plans all the fun stuff in your marriage/relationship?

[BeyondAReasonableDoubt]

Just wondering if it's you who usually comes up with fun stuff to do/places to go visit etc. If so, do you ever wish your partner did instead?

I plan the fun stuff. I plan the non-fun stuff. Basically, I'm the planner. It doesn't bother me, I'm a control freak anyway.

Thanks all for the replies. I'm also the one who plans everything and I have to admit it would be nice to leave that to dh once in awhile too but I have kind of accepted it

I honestly couldn't be in a relationship with all these people who are so obsessed with every little thing being exactly 50/50 and equal. Life doesn't work that way.

I don't care about everything being 50/50, but I do want my DH to show he enjoys spending time with me by planning nice things for us to do as a couple.

He managed it perfectly when we first met so why would I accept it all falling to me just because we're married?

I'd feel really sad if he never bothered to arrange anything for us to do, tbh.

Yes. And yes

I like planning fun stuff but I really bloody wish my husband would do it sometimes. Just sometimes!

My husband just turned 40 and I put a lot of effort into organising various things that he enjoyed (I checked in with him btw about things he'd want to do, I didn't just organise it all without discussing it with him). I was happy to do it, I wanted him to have a great birthday, but I have to say, I did feel pretty deflated when he barely thanked me and only because I kind of prompted him to do so. I would have really appreciated it if he'd raised a toast to me to thank me for everything, or just privately and spontaneously acknowledged and thanked me for everything I'd done. I popped into the shop on our way home from the final celebration we had, bought myself some flowers on a whim as a thank you to myself, as it's not the kind of thing that would occur to him in a million years, and I thought fuck it I'll buy them for myself.

When my 40th birthday comes around I fully expect to do all the research, planning and organising, and don't expect him to take any initiative or plan anything as a surprise.

I have to say, the longer we're married, the more I find his lack of initiative a turn-off tbh

It’s mostly me, although he doesn’t do nothing.

He will often suggest something quite lacklustre, though (a nice long walk with the dog) when there are so many great options open to us, because we live in an outer London suburb.

I think for pretty much every aspect of our life I'm the ideas person and he does the details. So holidays I'll be the one that comes up with a location and activities to do but he does the booking of flights and accommodation. Also I'm more optimistic than him and love planning things, he's very pessimistic and thinks of all the bad stuff. That reflects our job roles at work as well so we're just playing to our strengths.

Yep, all me. If I ever ask DH “what should we do this weekend?” he’ll just give a list of chores and household jobs that need doing.

Although it’s slightly annoying sometimes that he never thinks about any family activities or fun things, TBH I would rather be the “fun stuff planner” than the one who is keeping the list of boring tasks!

Nope, he tends to sort more family related things and always organises holidays…although I pay as I’m the higher earner and it’s how we split. If it’s something he doesn’t want to do it’ll get left to me, like seeing friends that’s he’s not fussed by he’ll just say “stick it in the calendar” and leave me to it.

We would never go on holiday if i didn't research, book (and usually pay) for it. The kids would never have a birthday party if i didn't organise, invite people, make a cake, buy the party bags. No improvements/jobs would be done around the house as he is seemingly blind to the bathroom light not working, the leak from the radiator etc. If i give him a very specific task to do (please book a taxi to take us to the airport) then he'll happily to it. But he never initiates any of this, ever. Its incredibly wearing - but if didn't do it the kids wouldn't have days out, holidays etc so i do. But i do resent him for behaving like an additional child instead of an actual partner. I've tried getting him to do this stuff - I once insisted he planned the holiday. He told me he'd booked accommodation in italy so i booked the flights car. Then it turned out he hadn't actually booked the accommodation - he'd just sent the request on Air BnB. The request was denied, so we then had flights and car that i had organised, but no place to stay. So him getting involved turned out to be harder than me doing it myself.

Same here. Holidays don't happen if I don't organise them. Birthdays, Christmas (presents, parties, etc). Home improvements don't happen either. If I disappeared I don't know if anything would happen!
He does the meal planning, food shopping and cooking (which is obv a lot and which I appreciate) but I feel that all other thinking/organising falls to me. Making sure the children have clothes and shoes that fit. Reading the school & nursery emails and putting events in the diary. That stuff.
You'd think that they'd be more interested in organising fun stuff but it seems that's just part of the mental load and in the same category as all the mundane things.

No. DH regularly organises trips out and nice things for us to do. In fact, we’ve got a day off today and he’s just told me not to eat too much breakfast because he’s booked lunch at a place I’d mentioned I wanted to try. I book all the holidays, he organises all the house repairs. He is however entirely incapable of finding anything in the fridge or in a cupboard, or buying gifts for anyone but me. And he would say I’m very messy. None of us are perfect.

Exactly this! My DP regularly comes home having stopped at B&Q or somewhere with bits to fix something that is broken in the house. Something I would never do! He'll defrost my car before he sets off to work or top it up with screenwash when I run out. He'll pour me a glass of wine and tell me to go and sit down whilst he makes tea. Or takes the dogs out whilst I stay in bed on a weekend morning. He doesn't need to book a holiday or a meal out to show me he cares about me!

It's very true that you don't need to show someone you care about them by booking a holiday/day out. I think it's more just the thinking part at times 🤣 my brain gets tired from coming up with ideas, I do think how nice it would be to hear "keep this Saturday free, I have got something planned for us" but usually it's me that says it. I'm just glad at this point that dh is always up for it. Could be worse!

Thanks for all the replies by the way! Interesting to read all the views :-)

No, and I agree it’s a low bar. I can do my own DIY (or hire someone who knows what they’re doing) so I don’t need him for that and expect him to take an active role and interest in stuff we do.

I plan my own social life - I’ve no involvement in his (why would I? It’s very weird to me the people who do everything in couples) and sometimes he’ll come with me to stuff with my friends and vice versa, mostly we socialise separately. He will research, suggest and book things for us to do at home and on holiday, like places to eat, exhibitions, activities etc. I tend to research and book flights and we both do hotels.

@lifeispainauchocolat

lifeispainauchocolat · Yesterday 19:01

@Barbadossunset Barbadossunset · Yesterday 18:40

If they don't bother to put the same effort into your holidays/relationship/social life, it's for no other reason than they don't give a shit.

I don’t see it like that. I organise most of our plans but then I can’t plumb in the new dishwasher or replace tiles on the roof or lots of things like that.
What does that have to do with your DH arranging something nice for you to do together, though?

I agree with @lifeispainauchocolat . It means they don't give a shit.

Look at it this way. Say for example you split up or your partner/DH was single and somehow he got in a situation where he was going out on a date with ...fill in the name of some super wealthy, super beautiful, super famous woman that he would like - like Heidi Klum, Giselle Bundchen or Gal Gadot or whatever float his boat.

How likely is it do you think that he would organised nothing and leave it to her?

Yes that's right - not a snowflakes chance in hell. He'd be on the phone trying to get tables at the best restaurants, tickets for the Superbowl and a seat on the space shuttle.

No effort = no care.

No, he does it all mostly. But he has a ton of energy and always wants to be on the go. I'm a homebody who would really rather do a lot less. That said I can see how he could resent the fact that he has to do it all as we would rarely do much if it were down to me. Then again we would all starve if the food planning and cooking were down to him.

Yes. I deal with the big picture and DH is good at small print. So I'll suggest places to go and do all the research and bookings, giving DH the right to veto anything I've chosen, and then he overthinks organises the logistics. This is mostly fine. I'd be very frustrated if I held out for him to show much initiative.

Mostly me, but that's because I love doing it. Will happily spend hours researching and planning whenever I have free time. DP does plan things too but not as frequently, he does input into whatever I plan. He's really good at doing things that wouldn't be his choice but knows I get excited about.

DP does more house/life admin and cleaning (which he enjoys) so I think we both get a good deal.

This!!!!

It's just weaponized incompetence. If in their jobs they needed to plan something do research get quotes prices etc they'd be doing it wouldn't they. I'm sure they'd feel embarrassed/rubbish at their job if they said they wasn't capable. At work if they mess up they need to prove themselves again or they get fired. For this bare minimum adulting capabilities relationships need to work the same. It's simply not ok to opt out letting someone else forever more take on that admin. It's selfish and lazy.

I agree with weaponised incompetence being used by men for sure, but I don't think skills at work translate to skills at home always. I am hyper organised at work because I have to be but my personal organisation is chaotic - mostly because I get so tired doing it at work I just switch off at home. It was the same even when I was single - I'd pay someone to sort it (cleaner, accountant, a subscription for an online personal assistant etc). So feel grateful to have a DP who voluntarily manages all my admin for me because he enjoys doing it. To show my gratitude I do most of the cooking because I enjoy that.

It would only be a problem if I did nothing at home to show effort or care.

Most but not all - I do it consistently, DH every now and then suddenly thinks of something for us to go to and gets all fired up to book a holiday and does it himself.

My partner organises everything, finds the restaurants, books them, pays for and organises my travel, books weekends away, everything.

I just worry about what to wear and turn up! 😂

I agree with you completely. However if I said to my DP "we're going to do absolutely nothing this weekend as I haven't planned anything" he would be delighted! He has a very physical job and is on his feet all day every day so he's exhausted by the time he gets home. PJs, food and wine on the sofa from Friday - Sunday night, not seeing anyone (and watching war / battle / action films most likely) is his dream!

I don't think it's a case of not thinking, I just think a lot of people are happy just living day to day, not planning ahead and going with the flow. I think this especially applies if they have a physically or mentally demanding job. My DP works far harder than I do (not that I would admit it!) so I have the brain capacity to deal with more and multi-task through the week texting friends, family etc to organise stuff... Whereas he just wants to come home and switch off from thinking about things.