Are YOU the one that plans all the fun stuff in your marriage/relationship?

[BeyondAReasonableDoubt]

Just wondering if it's you who usually comes up with fun stuff to do/places to go visit etc. If so, do you ever wish your partner did instead?

Pretty equal here. Either one of us will say 'I fancy going to X' and we'll both plan it, or there is something we both want to do and we plan it together.

Sometimes one or other of us will do more research, DH is more likely to be looking at routes, I'm more likely to be looking for places to eat!

We are pretty closely matched in terms of the things we like doing and out motivation to do them. I am more keen on Art than DH so if I want to go to a gallery or exhibition I will go on my own or with DD.

I probably do most of the online booking of things but only once we've agreed it and also that's because I wfh and am on a laptop all day and DH does shift work where he's driving all the time.

This isn't a man / woman divide - I'm a man and I plan most of what me and DW do together in terms of holidays / socialising etc.
I'm just naturally a planner and she's not - it's nothing to do with effort.

People need to get this sexist 'men make no effort' mindset out of their heads - if your DH / DP doesn't make the effort, have a chat or bin them off rather than moaning that 'all men don't make effort'.
Plenty of us do, but if you're willing to settle for someone who doesn't then stop moaning ffs.

Why does it actually matter what another woman wants/needs from their marriage? As long as you have got what you need from yours, then surely that’s all that matters. Besides, show me the perfect man…. I’m pretty sure you have some faults and are not prefect either

I would personally see it as a lack of interest and effort if DP didn’t organise anything, plan dates etc. and would just feel like he wasn’t that bothered about taking me out. As it is I know he’s genuinely excited to do stuff together and choose things he thinks I’ll like.

I deliberately didn’t go on dates with men who left it up to me to organise as it’s important to me. If women are happy with that then that’s fine, but can’t really complain if the men have been that way all along. They show pretty early on what they’re like in terms of initiative and planning.

That’s fine because that’s what you personally need. Some women may not need this in their marriage and some women might.
Thats what winds me up about these threads, just because one person deems something as being very important in their marriage, they cannot understand why another person doesn’t and then tell them they have set the bar low!! 🤣🤣🤣

I deliberately didn’t go on dates with men who left it up to me to organise as it’s important to me.

You don't think they'll see you as disinterested or a bit of a user?

Not so much not give a shit as have different ideas of a holiday. If it was down to DH we'd spend all our holidays in the UK visiting castles, steam rallies, air shows etc. Our honeymoon was two weeks in Orkney & Shetland looking at old sites then touring around North Scotland. It was enjoyable but not the break in the sun I'd look forward to normally.

Haha nope. I make an effort by turning up looking amazing and letting him know how much I appreciate him and he loves it 😂

20 yr marriage. I planned everything. Holidays, dates, seeing his family, the kids, life. His choice was to stay in all day, every day. Everything that was thought about by me was mostly agreed by him before I booked. At the end of every holiday, he thanked me for such a great time away and having so much fun with the right balance of rest. I often took the kids away alone too so that he could stay home and not do things. No probs with me.

During our divorce, one of the things he threw at me was that he never felt he was allowed to organise things for us or the family himself... Obviously that was all my fault in the manchilds eyes.

1 yr relationship post marriage... It was 50/50. He arranged some wonderful surprises. Lots of lovely hotels, experiences and bands. He enjoyed doing it and seeing me enjoy the surprise when he told me.

Current FWB, again, it's about 70 me/30 him. There are things going on in his city he'll invite me to. If there's nothing going on, it's up to me to say "let's just hang out anyway".

Most of my married female friends are the organisers in their families.

No, its probably 30/70 in his favour here, he’ll plan a holiday down to the second, where as I’ll have a list of places/things to do and decide on the morning which ones we’re doing that day.

In response to the posts about things being 50/50- It’s not about that. I agree it’s not practical to split every job 50/50 for “fairness”. I’m talking about the fact that he does very little unless specifically asked to do so by me. And that leaves ALL planning, organising and noticing something needs doing to me. If he did the car/DIY/money and I did the shopping/kids etc that would be fine- I’m not bothered about gender stereotypes.

Yes, and the lack of initiative is annoying and exhausting, I’m fed up.

I feel like I am taking a stroppy teenager around. He would be happy sitting with his vape and phone all day. Sure I ask him what he wants to do but he always says “I’m easy” or “I’m ok with whatever you want”.

Then he starts complaining he is tired, he is hungry, it is expensive, etc [rolls ayes]

I think overall it’s 50/50.
He will sometimes tell me he’s booked somewhere for dinner, I will sometimes say I want to go to x at the weekend and here are some hotels, he has suggested we have a holiday away later in the year and found somewhere to stay, I have booked tickets for all of us for his birthday to a festival to go to,
I think we both look for and plan fun things to do.

Yep and 100%

God yes! I also have the situation where he moans about how expensive things are, Including when I pay 100% for a lot of it. It was out son’s 18th recently. I booked and paid for the restaurant, invited 30 family/godparents/cousins, made a cake, bought balloons and a photo frame for a selection of pics. I just asked him to print some photos to go in the frame. And he huffed and puffed about how expensive snappy snaps was and why “we” had to pay for everyone’s dinner. He earns £100k a yr btw.

A solution for this might be to get a dedicated credit card which you use for agreed joint activities.

When the bill comes in you tell him what his share of 50% is and he transfers the funds to you.

This works for us and only use the card for spending we have both agreed to share.
Other times my chap treats me to something, meal out etc and likewise I treat him.

Would that work for you?

Honestly, no. He is not very fiscally responsible tbh which is one of the reasons I do not want us living together.

It's tricky as he enjoys doing things but never suggests it, so I have to but feel that I can't suggest something and then ask for money!