Boyfriend breaking up with me for letting my daughter see her dad.

[Familiarspirit12]

I've been with my partner on & off for 10 years. We split up for a few years during this time we both had separate partners. I ended up falling pregnant & now have a 2 year old daughter however, we split up due to the fact that he was violent & threw a baby walker at my daughter. A few months later my new partner & I got together. However, my ex has not really been involved due to the fact he was violent to my daughter. Social services told me he is still allowed to see my daughter & recently I've agreed that he pick her up from nursery & have her 4 hours on a Wednesday every week.

Needless to say my new partner is absolutely disgusted with this & has threatened to split up with me over it. He feels very protective towards my daughter & has said I am being ridiculous & irresponsible by letting her see in his words "the abusive p*k" he says he swears she comes back traumatised when he sees her after hes been there. He says I should take him to court & win full custody?

I now feel like I'm being a bad mother & I don't know what to do??? On one hand I feel she should see her dad. On the other I feel I'm being a bad mum. As far as my new partner is concerned I can see his point however, I also feel like telling him to keep his nose out as its not his business.

I'm just wondering what other people's outside opinions on this situation are?

Some good advice here OP. One tangential point to make. You mention ongoing threats from your ex. Try to preserve them/record them and if at all possible, report them. Multiple times if it happens multiple times. All that should be helpful.

Social services said my ex was fine to see my kids. I didn't listen and thank god I didn't. He went on to abuse his step kid and social services called me asking if I was allowing contact. I said no and they told me good because if I was they'd have to go on a child protection register!

Totally agree with where your partner is coming. And thank goodness there is someone that can see whats wrong here.

The violence and throwing of a babywalker at a 2 year old should be a dealbreaker enough to go no contact with her biological father.

I can't follow the timeline very well but sounds like new partner has been around since your DD was very small.

I totally get where he's coming from and absolutely would be fighting against contact. He threw a baby walker at your daughter? Who the fuck does that?!

It needs to go to court and you probably shouldn't have new partners within a few months of splitting with the last one. Your daughter doesn't need this shit show going on.

Poor kid. Time to take control and be a mama bear. Stop letting men get in your head. Do what's best for your child.

Thank you all for your advise. Its really appreciated. I will cut contact & stop him from picking her up from nursery... whatever happens next will be with her safety 100% in mind.

Why on EARTH haven't you arranged for him to see her at a secure, safe contact centre? Aside from the violence(!) he hasn't seen her in how long???? If this was in court, there is no way in hell a judge would go direct to him being alone with her, again even without the violence

he has gaslight me so much into believing he is is tge better person.

This is not what gaslighting means.

Right OP, look up secure child contact centres in your area. Ring them.
This will go in your favour if it ever gets to court. You're facilitating contact with his child whilst also keeping her safe. Win-win

Gaslighting me by saying he didn't mean it, it was an accident. The toy was just in his way he wasn't looking where he was aiming it. I'm overreacting. Minimising all his behaviour in the past, projecting onto me, blaming me. Telling me I am the bad person really?

And they always get it right, don't they? 🙄

Some of the advice on this thread is beyond idiotic. “I would move overseas before I let my child spend time with an abusive man” Oh really - you think the mother being done for kidnapping is preferable for your child is it 🤡

OP - only you can judge what is best for your child. If you think the risk of your ex pursuing access through the court is low, then absolutely try to burn him off by denying access. You don’t owe him shit (to paraphrase @RowanMayfair )

If he’s plausible and cashed up enough that litigation is a real risk, be aware that he would very likely get more than 4 hours once a week, 50:50 and overnights is a risk. Especially if it was “just once” 😩, there is no paper trail of the incident, he hasn’t admitted it anywhere - OR he has admitted it but claims to have insight into his offending and has done a course. Are you still in contact with his family? Do they enable him or do they share your concerns?

Like many of the posters here I thought when I left my abusive ex that the extensive documentation I had of his behaviour (photos of me with a black eye, videos of him smashing up the house/the aftermath, screeds of abusive texts/emails where he acknowledged his behaviour) would be enough to bar him from access. It is not. Initially he threatened to go for 50:50. As I previously mentioned we are both lawyers so I knew court was a risk if I blocked access entirely, and family court proceedings are secret so there would be no reputational damage to him from my evidence. Hence my decision to allow him very limited and managed access - still far more than I am happy with (which would be zero) but far less than he would be entitled to if he pushed for a court order.

Everyone’s situation is different - consider the facts of your situation and decide accordingly. Don’t let a bunch of randoms on the internet (or your new partner) push you into a decision that might expose your child to more risk.

@Familiarspirit12 sorry meant to tag you above

Your dp has been raising your dd for the last 10 years and you're saying its none of his business?! What a really shitty thing to say! I'm with your dp on this

I don't understand how you sleep well leaving your DD 4 hours alone unsupervised with a violent man. He has PR but he should have supervised visits by you or in a contact centre.

No I've known him for the last 10 years...she's only 2

So has he always been a father to her?

Because he seems to have her best interests at heart

What is happening on contact that your DP thinks she is "traumatised " when she comes back? Does he have any grounds for saying that, or is he just projecting his perfectly justified contempt for your ex?