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Original poster

Boyfriend breaking up with me for letting my daughter see her dad.

93 replies

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:07

I've been with my partner on & off for 10 years. We split up for a few years during this time we both had separate partners. I ended up falling pregnant & now have a 2 year old daughter however, we split up due to the fact that he was violent & threw a baby walker at my daughter. A few months later my new partner & I got together. However, my ex has not really been involved due to the fact he was violent to my daughter. Social services told me he is still allowed to see my daughter & recently I've agreed that he pick her up from nursery & have her 4 hours on a Wednesday every week.

Needless to say my new partner is absolutely disgusted with this & has threatened to split up with me over it. He feels very protective towards my daughter & has said I am being ridiculous & irresponsible by letting her see in his words "the abusive p*k" he says he swears she comes back traumatised when he sees her after hes been there. He says I should take him to court & win full custody?

I now feel like I'm being a bad mother & I don't know what to do??? On one hand I feel she should see her dad. On the other I feel I'm being a bad mum. As far as my new partner is concerned I can see his point however, I also feel like telling him to keep his nose out as its not his business.

I'm just wondering what other people's outside opinions on this situation are?

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 01/02/2024 05:41

Typo mistake hole 🕳 *

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 05:42

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 05:33

He has a legal right to see his daughter that he can enforce through court and OP would end up in a far worse situation than 4 hours access once a week.

There is no court order yet so he has legal right to shit

nohopehere · 01/02/2024 05:47

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:23

I'm trying to do what's right i wanted to give him a chance to see his daughter. I can't stop him seeing her as it hasn't been to court or anything.

Don't worry about what's right for your ex, worry about what's right for your DD.

Your DP sounds like a good man.

Why can't you and your DP be a team and fight SS's decision together?

harerunner · 01/02/2024 06:02

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:23

I'm trying to do what's right i wanted to give him a chance to see his daughter. I can't stop him seeing her as it hasn't been to court or anything.

I think you've got this the wrong way round.

You say you "can't" stop him because it hasn't been to court, but who is going to make you if it hasn't been to court and there hasn't been a court order requiring access?

Zanatdy · 01/02/2024 06:11

Absolutely boy would I be allowing my daughter to see someone who threw a baby Walker at them, father or not. I agree in letting him take you to court for full custody.

Zanatdy · 01/02/2024 06:24

Some posters are misunderstanding how it works. Mum has a right to stop contact and the father will have to go to court to enforce contact. He may get supervised, I can’t see a court allowing unsupervised due to the abuse. You can just tell him you’re not satisfied your daughter is safe and if he wants contact he can go via the courts. Mediation won’t be suitable due to domestic abuse. In the meantime you tell the nursery you’ve stopped contact due to abuse and tell them not to allow him to collect her. Block him and tell him to go via the legal process. Get some help via the freedom programme, women’s aid are a great source of info and help. Please don’t let this defenceless child be in his presence, you do have the power to stop it. The onus is on him to take you to court, not the other way round

padmo · 01/02/2024 06:25

Hi op

I'm a Social Worker. It sounds to me like you were given general advice from perhaps a call you made to Social Services, just a guess. Have you have a full assessment done of your child's needs by Social Services if not then take my advice.

You as your child's parent have parental responsibility and are within your rights to stop contact now and at any point if you feel your child is unsafe with the other parent. He does not have an automatic right to see his child as there is no court agreement and you are trying to protect them so it's justified.

I would stop any contact now and explain to him you would rather do it safely through court because if he is to have contact you ultimately need supervised initially and for him to attend anger management and parenting coursers perhaps. This is in the best interests of your child.

  • speak to a solicitor today for advice
  • have you reported the incident to the police
  • remove him from the nursery list so he can't pick her up
  • does he pay child maintenance

This is what you need to do regardless of how you think he may take this news. You need to listen to your partner.

Your child comes first!

BananaSpanner · 01/02/2024 06:33

Is he on the birth certificate? If so, he also has Parental Responsibility.

padmorn · 01/02/2024 06:42

BananaSpanner · 01/02/2024 06:33

Is he on the birth certificate? If so, he also has Parental Responsibility.

It doesn't matter if he has parental responsibility if she feels her child is unsafe she is allowed to withhold contact to seek legal advice.

Justleaveitblankthen · 01/02/2024 07:39

Jesus Christ. He threw a baby walker at your baby?! 🤬
Sayonara, Prick.

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 07:42

padmo · 01/02/2024 06:25

Hi op

I'm a Social Worker. It sounds to me like you were given general advice from perhaps a call you made to Social Services, just a guess. Have you have a full assessment done of your child's needs by Social Services if not then take my advice.

You as your child's parent have parental responsibility and are within your rights to stop contact now and at any point if you feel your child is unsafe with the other parent. He does not have an automatic right to see his child as there is no court agreement and you are trying to protect them so it's justified.

I would stop any contact now and explain to him you would rather do it safely through court because if he is to have contact you ultimately need supervised initially and for him to attend anger management and parenting coursers perhaps. This is in the best interests of your child.

  • speak to a solicitor today for advice
  • have you reported the incident to the police
  • remove him from the nursery list so he can't pick her up
  • does he pay child maintenance

This is what you need to do regardless of how you think he may take this news. You need to listen to your partner.

Your child comes first!

The nursery can't refuse to hand him over whether he's on the list or not if he has PR.

Watercolourpapier · 01/02/2024 07:44

Are you sending your tiny defenceless daughter to spend time with him because you're scared of his reaction if you don't? It's very, very telling that you didn't say you want them to have contact for your dd's sake, you said it was for his sake that you're handing over your baby to a man who you know has been violent to her.

Force him to take you to court. Get your evidence in order regarding the time you reported him to the police for throwing a baby walker at your baby and any other evidence you have. His contact with her needs to be properly supervised.

padmo · 01/02/2024 07:57

@RowanMayfair sorry your right. She would need to contact the Police if he was to pick her up although depending on what they are aware of they may not get involved if her initially welfare appears fine in his care.

Op needs a solicitor asap

GreyCarpet · 01/02/2024 08:03

He doesn't have rights only responsibility. She has the right to a relationship with both parents. You have PR (as does he which is why SS referred to it as his right to see her). But you are her primary carer and, until the courts decide otherwise, you have the responsibility (which is the R part of PR) to ensure her safety. A SS recommendation doesn't trump your parental responsibilities until that is removed by a court or the LA share PR through court because your decisions are deemed unsound.

If you don't think it is safe for her to see him, you don't have to allow contact. He might pursue a court order in the meantime and you can also prepare your case against it.

Menapausemum1974 · 01/02/2024 08:05

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:07

I've been with my partner on & off for 10 years. We split up for a few years during this time we both had separate partners. I ended up falling pregnant & now have a 2 year old daughter however, we split up due to the fact that he was violent & threw a baby walker at my daughter. A few months later my new partner & I got together. However, my ex has not really been involved due to the fact he was violent to my daughter. Social services told me he is still allowed to see my daughter & recently I've agreed that he pick her up from nursery & have her 4 hours on a Wednesday every week.

Needless to say my new partner is absolutely disgusted with this & has threatened to split up with me over it. He feels very protective towards my daughter & has said I am being ridiculous & irresponsible by letting her see in his words "the abusive p*k" he says he swears she comes back traumatised when he sees her after hes been there. He says I should take him to court & win full custody?

I now feel like I'm being a bad mother & I don't know what to do??? On one hand I feel she should see her dad. On the other I feel I'm being a bad mum. As far as my new partner is concerned I can see his point however, I also feel like telling him to keep his nose out as its not his business.

I'm just wondering what other people's outside opinions on this situation are?

@Familiarspirit12 it is not social work’s decision if he sees her or not! If you have concerns withdraw contact and wait for him to take you to court, you will then be able to explain your reasons. Social Work have no say if you chose to deny contact only a judge has that authority

GreyCarpet · 01/02/2024 08:09

IP, slightly different but SS recommended that my mother had supervised contact with my children. I disagreed and went no contact. Their recommendation is not law.

TickingKey46 · 01/02/2024 08:31

It's very easy for others to say "don't send her". But when SS say she needs to see him coupled with still being under his spell, it's very conflicting and confusing.
I think you need some decent legal advise tbh.
If you are in fear of her safety you can 100% with hold contact, even with a court order you can do it. You have to of course have a valid reason.
SS have said it's nothing to do with them, so it doesn't meet their threshold, but as a parent you still have the right to protect your child. If how ever you allow him to see her and then stop contact it will be hard to justify it in court. Courts often go by the status quo. So you carn't allow her to go then after decide it isn't safe, that won't look good in court if it got that far.
My children don't see their father there is a no contact order in place due to his behaviour. Courts don't always let children down. But it was a very very long process.
In your situation I wouldn't allow him contect. If he took you to court then that's fine. You explain your reasons and suggest it's done in a contact center. Just because he's the father, you also have rights and the right to protect your child comes first.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/02/2024 08:41

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:23

I'm trying to do what's right i wanted to give him a chance to see his daughter. I can't stop him seeing her as it hasn't been to court or anything.

The fact it hasn't gone to court means you CAN stop him seeing her. Are you mad? No way would I allow this. You have no idea what's going on there. If he's so desperate for contact he can take you to court himself. I bet he doesn't though!

Startingagainandagain · 01/02/2024 08:41

Unless the contact is supervised your current partner is absolutely right to say that you should not let your kid see her abusive father.

Let him go to court and then you can state you have concerned for her welfare and will only agree to supervised contact.

Kwam31 · 01/02/2024 08:45

I've got her dad insisting he sees her & threatening me
Your reason to stop contact, let him take you to court

holycrabsticks · 01/02/2024 08:52

Jesus Christ. This is your daughter's life! Her safety! And you didn't even bother researching before you let a monster who has tried to hurt her before, in your presence, have contact with her?

The mind boggles.

holycrabsticks · 01/02/2024 08:54

Is he on her birth certificate? If he is, do you realise he could pick her up from nursery and never bring her back to you? He could take her anywhere. Eventually get her a passport and take her anywhere in the world.

TickingKey46 · 01/02/2024 09:05

The nursery need to know who he is though. So if he's already picked the child up and is on list to collect then he can collect her. If he's only on her birthday certificate, the nursery should allow him to collect. Nurseries are pretty used to these kind of situations.

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 09:08

holycrabsticks · 01/02/2024 08:54

Is he on her birth certificate? If he is, do you realise he could pick her up from nursery and never bring her back to you? He could take her anywhere. Eventually get her a passport and take her anywhere in the world.

Does your DD already have a passport op? If so, hide it.

If she doesn’t already have one, please get her one asap so you have it

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 09:13

But when SS say she needs to see him
@TickingKey46 social services have no right to say she needs to see him. It's not their decision. OP has not suggested the DD is under any social work plan and reading between the lines it looks like OP has called them for advice and received very general advice/information. Social services receive a lot of calls from parents wanting guidance on contact and that's really not their remit and certainly not their decision to make about whether contact should happen if the resident parent doesn't think it's safe.

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