Page 2 | Boyfriend breaking up with me for letting my daughter see her dad.

Familiarspirit12 · 2024-02-01T02:07:46+00:00

I've been with my partner on & off for 10 years. We split up for a few years during this time we both had separate partners. I ended up falling pregnant & now have a 2 year old daughter however, we split up due to the fact that he was violent & threw a baby walker at my daughter. A few months later my new partner & I got together. However, my ex has not really been involved due to the fact he was violent to my daughter. Social services told me he is still allowed to see my daughter & recently I've agreed that he pick her up from nursery & have her 4 hours on a Wednesday every week. Needless to say my new partner is absolutely disgusted with this & has threatened to split up with me over it. He feels very protective towards my daughter & has said I am being ridiculous & irresponsible by letting her see in his words "the abusive p*k" he says he swears she comes back traumatised when he sees her after hes been there. He says I should take him to court & win full custody? I now feel like I'm being a bad mother & I don't know what to do??? On one hand I feel she should see her dad. On the other I feel I'm being a bad mum. As far as my new partner is concerned I can see his point however, I also feel like telling him to keep his nose out as its not his business. I'm just wondering what other people's outside opinions on this situation are?

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 03:18

Op call Women’s Aid and Citizens advice today.

Absolutely stop letting him near your daughter.

Social services are idiots and don’t do enough to protect kids until it’s too late. Look at how many kids in the news die at the hands of violent parents when social services have already been involved.

PeopleAreWeird · 01/02/2024 03:26

You are allowing your child to see a man that abused her??? Really??

Scared or not, Protect your child !!!!!!!!!!

mathanxiety · 01/02/2024 03:35

Your partner is right.

What set of beliefs makes you think this man should have access to a child he could have killed or seriously injured? He should be in prison.

Gowlett · 01/02/2024 03:36

If you are scared or threatened by him, you can be sure that your daughter feels the same way. And she is small & defenceless.

WaltzingWaters · 01/02/2024 03:40

Please please stop letting your ex have unsupervised access to your child. She must have been very young when the baby Walker was thrown at her, and that is so extreme that I’m guessing that a lot more abuse, whether physical or not, happened prior to that. She’s not safe around him.

And you still being scared of him is reason to do everything you possibly can to stop him seeing her, not the opposite.

Make him go to court if he wants to see her. Explain to the courts how violent he has been.

Winter2020 · 01/02/2024 03:43

I'm with everyone else saying don't let violent dad see her.
If he goes to court for access ask for no access but if they won't support that ask for onky supervised access at a contact centre.

misssunshine4040 · 01/02/2024 03:46

Why didn't the police press charges at the time.

Did SS recommend supervised access.? Beggars belief as you should be seen to be protecting your kids safety at all costs.

At the end of the day they can say he's entitled to this / that but unless there is a court order In place you can do what you want.

Why is your ex threatening you and your partner? What is he threatening to do if you don't let his see your dd?
Call the police and women's aid and get it all logged and take advise.

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 03:52

Does anyone here have any experience of dealing with child access with an abusive former partner?

Even if your ex was convicted of violence the courts would still bend over backwards to facilitate access between him and your daughter. The default is 50:50 care even when there has been domestic abuse. Particularly so if the original assault didn’t go to the police/ to court, as is so often the case with family violence offences.

With that in mind, 4 hours access once a week seems like the lesser of two evils. I would not take this through the court system to try to block access, you could end up on a far worse position. You may wish to make a formal complaint about the violence but given the timing it’s possible he could claim it was not legit and you are trying to alienate him. Do you have any proof of the incident against your child? Had he acknowledged it (e.g. in text or email)?

marcopront · 01/02/2024 04:00

I don't think you should let your daughter see her Dad unless it is court ordered.
However I think your current partner is being controlling.

Duckingella · 01/02/2024 04:01

He does unfortunately have a right to see her so SS are correct there but I don't understand how he's being allowed unsupervised access.

I remember one poor woman on here being forced into an hour a week access in a contact centre with her 3 year old to allow her scumbag father to see her despite him being violent in the past to both (the 3 year old) and her mother and the mother having a restraining order on him.

Why is this access not via a contact centre or a family member etc

Original poster

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 04:14

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 03:52

Does anyone here have any experience of dealing with child access with an abusive former partner?

Even if your ex was convicted of violence the courts would still bend over backwards to facilitate access between him and your daughter. The default is 50:50 care even when there has been domestic abuse. Particularly so if the original assault didn’t go to the police/ to court, as is so often the case with family violence offences.

With that in mind, 4 hours access once a week seems like the lesser of two evils. I would not take this through the court system to try to block access, you could end up on a far worse position. You may wish to make a formal complaint about the violence but given the timing it’s possible he could claim it was not legit and you are trying to alienate him. Do you have any proof of the incident against your child? Had he acknowledged it (e.g. in text or email)?

This is what I was told via ss, that he has a right to see her unless i go to court. I was shocked about him not having to be supervised. I do make sure he sees her with his father present & hes not alone in the house with her. Exactly my thinking that 4 hours is the bear minimum I can stand her being with him & I'd never let him have her over night.

I called the police & threw him out but as my daughter could not speak it was my word against his. The police then contacting ss.

For every bodies info also this was the first time he was violent towards her. I never let him.back in after.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 01/02/2024 04:22

I would interpret what SS meant was don't allow access and let him go to court for it. When you can then ask for it to be supervised.

I think you need to stand firm against his threats and manipulation and keep record of them and give him enough rope to hang himself with.
Contact women's aid 100% and get someone in your corner.

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 04:46

Jesus Christ.

Do not let him see her until it literally ordered by a court! You think someone can’t abuse a kid in 4 hours or something?

You absolutely have a legal right to stop him seeing her if there is a welfare risk.

Original poster

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 04:52

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 04:46

Jesus Christ.

Do not let him see her until it literally ordered by a court! You think someone can’t abuse a kid in 4 hours or something?

You absolutely have a legal right to stop him seeing her if there is a welfare risk.

I meant bear minimum as in the minimum he would agree to which was 4.

Yes you are right... i need to take my power back & protect my daughter.

I'm so upset with myself for still being manipulated like this 😪

OP posts:

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 04:53

She absolutely doesn’t have a legal right to stop him seeing her, ffs.

@Familiarspirit12 I completely understand your position and think it’s a sensible course of action. Obviously it would be nice to be able to block access but the reality is that option will cost $$$ to put you in a worse position than you are now (and then you HAVE to comply as it’s not voluntary).

My ex was abusive (mainly to me, although the kids witnessed it which is abuse of itself) but once to my DS who was then 7. My kids are now 9 and 5. He has my kids EOW. I hate it. My lawyers told me to agree to it as if it went to court he could get 50:50. He completed a family violence course which is what the court would take into consideration if we had a custody dispute. I agreed but am now just super helpful and try to keep access to a bare minimum “happy to have them if you are going out Saturday night!” etc

None of the posters on this thread have the faintest idea of what they are talking about. For the record, I’m a lawyer - as is my ex H.

misssunshine4040 · 01/02/2024 05:01

@Familiarspirit12 please don't be too hard on yourself.
It's very difficult when you have been abused and gaslighted.

@Endoftheroad12345 her ex would have to spend £££ to go to court and seek access wouldn't he?
Sounds like he just wants to find a way to carry on abusing the OP. Only agreeing to 4 hours minimum, calling the shots....

I have an abusive ex who tries to continue his abuse through our shared child. It's horrible, draining and soul destroying.
I keep my child away and will do so until I'm legally forced not to

frazzledasarock · 01/02/2024 05:03

Which country are ou in?

he has parental rights he can absolutely pick her up from nursery.

going through court as he has had her unsupervised he will get continued unsupervised contact with your DD.

courts don’t stop contact just because the father is abusive. Would be great if they did. Even insanely violent drugged up fathers get contact. And you’re screwed if you get a shit uninterested CAFCASS officer (which by and large most are).

get proper legal advice, you should qualify for legal aid as there’s dv involved. Stop contact. But expect if it goes to court for him to get contact.

betterangels · 01/02/2024 05:06

toddlermam · 01/02/2024 02:34

I don't blame him. And saying it's none of his business and he should keep his nose out? That man cares about your daughter, you should be grateful there's one man in her life that doesn't physically abuse her. Disgusting.

I don't understand that you can't see this. I do understand that boyfriend wants no part of the mess.

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 05:19

CaraMiaMonCher · 01/02/2024 02:19

OP can’t just stop her seeing her Dad if he has PR. Social services have agreed to the contact.

Show quote history

Yes she can, and it's not social services' decision to make

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 05:20

Familiarspirit12 · 01/02/2024 02:23

I'm trying to do what's right i wanted to give him a chance to see his daughter. I can't stop him seeing her as it hasn't been to court or anything.

Yes you can. She's in your care, you can refuse contact and he would have to take you to court. Why do you think it's so important that she sees him? Your posts refer to him seeing his daughter not her seeing her dad. Are you focusing on his wishes rather than what's best for your daughter?

RowanMayfair · 01/02/2024 05:24

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 04:53

She absolutely doesn’t have a legal right to stop him seeing her, ffs.

@Familiarspirit12 I completely understand your position and think it’s a sensible course of action. Obviously it would be nice to be able to block access but the reality is that option will cost $$$ to put you in a worse position than you are now (and then you HAVE to comply as it’s not voluntary).

My ex was abusive (mainly to me, although the kids witnessed it which is abuse of itself) but once to my DS who was then 7. My kids are now 9 and 5. He has my kids EOW. I hate it. My lawyers told me to agree to it as if it went to court he could get 50:50. He completed a family violence course which is what the court would take into consideration if we had a custody dispute. I agreed but am now just super helpful and try to keep access to a bare minimum “happy to have them if you are going out Saturday night!” etc

None of the posters on this thread have the faintest idea of what they are talking about. For the record, I’m a lawyer - as is my ex H.

If you're a lawyer you'll know that unless there is a court order in place then there is no legal framework to compel her to allow contact. Meaning in real life terms that she has a legal right to stop him seeing her. She can keep her child away from anyone in the world that she chooses to for any reason unless there is a court order in place ordering contact.

Endoftheroad12345 · 01/02/2024 05:33

He has a legal right to see his daughter that he can enforce through court and OP would end up in a far worse situation than 4 hours access once a week.

Springpug · 01/02/2024 05:35

Agree with your partner
Madness
He could throw something else at her and u would never know
Court ordered access with supervision,or no access

cerisepanther73 · 01/02/2024 05:40

@MrsTerryPratchett

Why on earth are you going to report this mumsnet thread then???

When you do that,

It will prevent stop @Familiarspirit12 getting the much needed enlightening advice and support that she desperately needs,

She has been manipulated so much from her violent ex partner she needs disentangle herself from his head fuck ways ect...

This mumsnet thread is Alice in wonderland down the rabbit Bonkers in more ways than one .!

MariaVT65 · 01/02/2024 05:41

https://www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/how-can-i-stop-a-father-seeing-his-child/#:~:text=A%20mother%20can%20only%20stop,domestic%20abuse

OP here is a UK-based family law website with a FAQs page about this very issue. It LITERALLY says you can stop contact if there is domestic violence.

Please seak advice from womens aid and stop your daughter seeing a violent man.

As a mother, i would literally move my kid abroad before letting them spend time alone with a violent father.

How Can I Stop a Father seeing his Child | Kabir Family Law

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https://www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/how-can-i-stop-a-father-seeing-his-child/#:~:text=A%20mother%20can%20only%20stop,domestic%20abuse