Advice - I don't think this behaviour is okay?

[Anon468]

Hi,

It's taken some courage to type this out and ask for advice because I just feel like I can't ask anyone in real life. I don't think my Husbands behaviour is right but it's gone on for so long now that he's made me feel like it's normal, like it's my fault. I just feel so incredibly low.

This is an example of how our arguments typically play out. last night he came home with our son at 7:30pm. He works part time, he does the school pick ups / drop offs and I was at work late. He regularly complains and is moody about how difficult his days are. I would love to swap and work pt but it's not possible for us financially. I most definitely pull my weight at home and I have quite a hectic stressful job. He was very snappy with me last night so after I had taken our son to bed I said to him that he had been quite snappy with me today. I didn't say it in a confrontational way at all. He just exploded, he said I was 'taking the piss out of him' he was swearing at me, calling me names , he said I was a F-ing tosser, idiot etc. I just didn't say a word. I walked off and started tidying up etc. He had cooked our tea whilst I sorted bedtime and so he had put it put on a tray in the living room where we usually watch tv and eat together. I picked it up and he said where are you going, I said I just want to sit by myself. Then he exploded again, he was slamming things, he threw his food in the bin, he was swearing, he stormed out the house and got into the car. He disappeared and came home at 11:15pm and slept downstairs. He hasn't spoken a word to me
today and will ignore me now for the next few days, this is the usual pattern.

If I asked to speak to him about the above, it would just be an awful experience so I don't bother anymore. I just ride it out and wait until he ends the silent treatment and carry on as normal. If we talk then he typically just talks at me and I can't get a word in. He continually talks about how my behaviour has upset him and he uses this as a reason to justify his reactions. He doesn't see that his behaviour is inappropriate, he just seethes about it all believing that it's me that has caused it and I'm unappreciative of all that he does. This is usually what it all comes back to and he says things like 'I'm just going to stop doing what I do'.

on another day I might have got away with my original comment but you never can tell. This is just one example, there are hundreds of others I could give. He's said some pretty awful things to me over the years.

I would like to know what others think. If you made it this far through my post then thank you.

Of course it’s not ok! You cannot live your live like this. This is also a terrible example and environment for your son. Wiser posters will be along but can you leave?

He never speaks to me like this in front of my son or anyone else. I think some people would be shocked if they knew. I've thought about leaving before. Our lives are intertwined in different ways. He would make it extremely difficult for me

He never speaks to me like this in front of my son or anyone else.

Your son hears everything. You really think he can't hear his father raging about the house?

Get the fuck rid of this abusive twat, and it doesn't matter what it takes to do so. Stop making excuses for staying married to this monster.

You don't need our advice - you know this isn't OK. You know how this makes you feel and you know he does too, because he's selective about when he does this.

This isn't love, or a marriage that will make you happy, so what is keeping you there, other than ease because it's where you already are? I know how hard it is to dismantle a life you've built with someone, but I don't think you have a choice if you want to have a happy life. You deserve so much more, and so does your son. He may not hear the things his dad says, but he'll pick up on the atmosphere, the sadness, the anger, and it will be having an affect.

You can change this - and you'd have an army of supporters behind you.

What I've always said, marriage is hard work

Have a chat over a cup of tea

Givivng and taking is part of life and at times you have to give more

Ask him what he expects from you and you expect from him and work on that

It sounds as though both of you are unhappy at work, considered changing jobs?

Are you sure there is no one else or he is looking for something/someone different or you are?

Good luck

Btw, its easy to break up, trust me. Dont forget if you break-up, there is a lot to lose especially your little one. Then if you/he meeets a new person, it could be out of the fryiing pan into the fire - so work on it togther - take a mini break, leave little one with parents, take 2/3 days away from home togther

I think it’s a shame you married him as the divorce will cost you as the higher earner.

I'm sorry EveryoneEnviesMeEverywhere, but I have to disagree.

Marriage isn't hard work, it shouldn't be hard work and it shouldn't be like this.

Yes, it's not roses and champagne every day, but it IS kindness, thoughtfulness, care and consideration. It is putting other people's feelings at the top of your list, and about respecting them and treating them well.

This kind of behaviour isn't acceptable. It's not a one-off, he does this regularly, and that isn't something that can be resolved over a cup of tea.

OP, please please please don't accept this as 'this is normal'. It isn't and you should never think being treated like this is OK.

You deserve better.

Do you really need to ask if being treated like absolute shit and abused is ok? Is this really how you want to live?

And believe me your DC does see and hear and is growing up thinking that’s how men speak to women.

@BreathingDeep You don't need our advice - you know this isn't OK. You know how this makes you feel and you know he does too, because he's selective about when he does this.

This isn't love, or a marriage that will make you happy, so what is keeping you there, other than ease because it's where you already are? I know how hard it is to dismantle a life you've built with someone, but I don't think you have a choice if you want to have a happy life. You deserve so much more, and so does your son. He may not hear the things his dad says, but he'll pick up on the atmosphere, the sadness, the anger, and it will be having an affect.

You can change this - and you'd have an army of supporters behind you.

BreathingDeep couldn't have said it better, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life, you only get one. He's never going to change and it will only get worse as he gets older, you say your lives are entwined, un-twine them and prepare to leave. I'd be stepping on eggshells if I was in your marriage apart from the mental health issues you must be having. You've posted here and we all unanimously agree, get the hell out of there, I know it's hard, I've been through a divorce myself and it's hard, it really is, but you have a child to think about, you say he can't hear you, are you sure about that? It's not an emotionally loving home, the atmosphere must be tense and children pick up on this. Write down pros and cons for divorcing, the list will be longer for going than staying.

In the short term get your ds in breakfast and after school clubs. Then ltb. Don't let him have chance to claim to be dc's main carer or it will be you seeing dc eow..

Even the fact that you acknowledge he will make breaking up with him difficult says everything we need to know. Good people don’t try to make divorce really hard for the other person. They prioritise the children and try their best to co-parent so they don’t traumatise he kids.

He is clearly controlling. He controls you with silence and threats if you dare think of leaving. He no doubt uses the children as pawns in the relationship. He is angry and verbally abusive. It’s a pattern of behaviour probably fuelled by his own damaged childhood. What does this prince of a man do in his part time work?

I'm really not making excuses. I can't really describe how low I feel, I just feel trapped and worn down. I feel embarrassed that I'm in this situation and I don't have friends or family that I can turn to. He's manipulative and has just made me feel that everything is my fault.

Look up coercive control. There are laws against this now.

Oh Anon468, please don't feel embarrassed. People like this are clever and they wear you down over time. You didn't know he would be like this or you wouldn't have spent years with him or had a child with him. But you did, and he is now showing you who he is, and the decision - as shit as it is - is now yours to make about whether you stay and accept it, or you seize some control and make a change.

I've done it. It's not easy. It's terrifying and you'll doubt yourself plenty of times along the way, but I promise you, the life out the other side is so worth it. Imagine a life where you and your son don't tiptoe around him, you don't worry about what your son will overhear, or see his dad sleeping on the sofa. You can watch your TV programmes, eat the meals you like, relax at home knowing you're not going to be insulted or dismissed or shouted and snapped at.

You're in a great position - you have a job and an income and that's key to getting your freedom. You say you have nowhere to turn and no-one to tell, so talk to us. We can help and offer advice, but please, don't accept that this is your life.

So where is your son when his father is stomping about, swearing, chucking his food in the bin, driving off, coming home late and sleeping on the sofa? I would have thought it was impossible to hide that from him if you all live in the same house as a family.

Breathingdeep - your post is so kind it just made me cry.

It wasn't always like this but when I look back there were hints of behaviours that feel like they have evolved over time. At one time he was so loving and almost over the top with things, I was swept up in it all. I just feel like I've been deceived and now this is my life and it's a mess.

I just don't think I would be believed if this all went to court, how would I ever prove this? He would also be classed as being the primary carer I guess so that wouldn't help

You need a plan to get away from him and this is where mumsnet is golden.

He's trying to train you to fear him so much that you never dare hold him accountable for his behaviour. It's all about power and control. He makes himself so unpleasant that he now rules over the household with his sensitive feelings.

He also does it because he knows hurling abuse at you is something that you'll put up with. So why would he ever stop, when he gets such great benefits from having you at his mercy?

The only solution is to leave him. You will not be able to persuade him to treat you with respect. He won't hear you and no doubt he'll turn it around into a justification of why you deserve to be treated like shit. It's not something you should ever bother to ask of another human being. Either they want to treat you well or they don't.

And the early days sound like love bombing to me OP - another classic abuser tactic.

You need to start keeping a diary of this behaviour and if possible, record some of it on your phone. My ex was the same, Mr nice guy to everyone else. It was actually my hero of a daughter that collected enough evidence to expose the fucker. Which proves the point they do hear, even when we think they don't. It breaks my heart now to know how she felt and the damage it's done to her. Please get your child away from him and don't end up with the regrets I have.

Go and see a solicitor. Get some facts together. Information is power.

You don’t need to prove stuff, just tell the solicitor what’s going on and he will help you sort it out.

Your husband doesn’t want you anymore otherwise he would be more respectful and kinder. Your marriage is over, he just hasn’t got the balls to end it.

Start imagining a peaceful life without all this nonsense. Get yourself out of there woman! Start today.

I will try and get a few recordings on my phone. I would have to be so careful as he would probably smash my phone to pieces if he knew. He's never hurt me physically but he has broken and damaged my things before

Yes I will do that and try to arrange a meeting with a solicitor discreetly

Read about Gottman's four horsemen. He is demonstrating all 4 of them - contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. He doesn't love, like, or respect you. Is this how you want to live?

It can be turned around but only if he is willing to do the work. You can't fix this alone. So if, and I am not sure why you would, you want to fix this, there needs to be a gloves off, cards on table discussion. That unless the way he treats you changes and more importantly, never regresses, the marriage is over.

If you don't want to fix it, it would be completely fair and understandable. Others here will be better placed to advise on the how.