Advice - I don't think this behaviour is okay?

[Anon468]

Hi,

It's taken some courage to type this out and ask for advice because I just feel like I can't ask anyone in real life. I don't think my Husbands behaviour is right but it's gone on for so long now that he's made me feel like it's normal, like it's my fault. I just feel so incredibly low.

This is an example of how our arguments typically play out. last night he came home with our son at 7:30pm. He works part time, he does the school pick ups / drop offs and I was at work late. He regularly complains and is moody about how difficult his days are. I would love to swap and work pt but it's not possible for us financially. I most definitely pull my weight at home and I have quite a hectic stressful job. He was very snappy with me last night so after I had taken our son to bed I said to him that he had been quite snappy with me today. I didn't say it in a confrontational way at all. He just exploded, he said I was 'taking the piss out of him' he was swearing at me, calling me names , he said I was a F-ing tosser, idiot etc. I just didn't say a word. I walked off and started tidying up etc. He had cooked our tea whilst I sorted bedtime and so he had put it put on a tray in the living room where we usually watch tv and eat together. I picked it up and he said where are you going, I said I just want to sit by myself. Then he exploded again, he was slamming things, he threw his food in the bin, he was swearing, he stormed out the house and got into the car. He disappeared and came home at 11:15pm and slept downstairs. He hasn't spoken a word to me
today and will ignore me now for the next few days, this is the usual pattern.

If I asked to speak to him about the above, it would just be an awful experience so I don't bother anymore. I just ride it out and wait until he ends the silent treatment and carry on as normal. If we talk then he typically just talks at me and I can't get a word in. He continually talks about how my behaviour has upset him and he uses this as a reason to justify his reactions. He doesn't see that his behaviour is inappropriate, he just seethes about it all believing that it's me that has caused it and I'm unappreciative of all that he does. This is usually what it all comes back to and he says things like 'I'm just going to stop doing what I do'.

on another day I might have got away with my original comment but you never can tell. This is just one example, there are hundreds of others I could give. He's said some pretty awful things to me over the years.

I would like to know what others think. If you made it this far through my post then thank you.

That's physical violence. He doesn't have to hurt you directly for it to count. Smashing your things is violence.

@Anon468 you have described my (almost) ex husband. This is no life. Honestly, I can't tell you the relief I felt when he finally moved out

Are you in the uk? Why do you want proof of it? You don't need any proof or reason to divorce.
Being called names is enough reason for your own mind, as is manipulation.
Abusers often love-bomb at the start, it's part of the manipulation and is about getting the other person to love them, rather than any feelings they have. In fact they don't have as much feeling as they are not as capable of empathy, that's why they then find it easy to abuse.
He might verbally claim he wants more DC time after a split, but it will be a threat to keep you there. If you spend as much or more time with them at the weekends than he does, he is not the main carer, and wouldn't get more than 50/50.

Yes I'm in the UK. Honestly I don't know, I was thinking it might help when it comes to agreeing arrangements for our son. I could see him going for as much contact as possible so I end up with eow or something because I work FT currently. Which would just devastate me. I think I need some legal advice.

If it was that easy, I'm sure OP would have tried to "have a chat over a cup of tea". That really is a bit insulting. He is impossible to talk to. He's not at fault at all in his head.

This is terrible advice.

This isn't a case of one party just being unhappy and a bit moody. Did you read the OP? He is abusive. He calls her all manner of names, breaks her stuff, storms around the house... OP has explained that attempts at normal, adult conversation around what he says and does lead to an escalation of his behaviour.

You don't sit down for a cuppa and chat with an abusive man. You get advice, get yourself in the right place and leave.

OP, it's not ok for you and it's not ok for your son, who will look to his father to learn how to treat women.

You don't have to live like this.

OP no fault divorce now.

50/50 custody is the starting position so he'd have to work very bloody hard to get it moved to anything other than that.

Go and get legal advice.

I can tell you something as a single parent, your life will be a lot more peaceful without him in it

Yes I'm sure it would be. It's gone on for so long now that it just feels normal. I don't want my son to hear all this and grow up thinking this behaviour is okay. I've got to do something about it for his benefit.

Thank you all for your kind words. I've felt a little less alone today x

Smashing your things is abusive. How he behaves in arguments is also abusive.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I hope you can leave. You will be much happier without him.

Have you made a solicitor's appointment? 💐

Have a chat over a cup of tea

Don't take any notice of advice like this, which relies on his reasonableness. It won't work, obviously, because he's not reasonable. No idea why people post advice without actually taking notice of what the OP has said.

He's treating you very poorly, @Anon468 . You know it. Your son will know it, and you are raising him to understand that when a man abuses a woman, the woman should stick around. Show him something different. He deserves it, and so do you.

Not yet, I'm at work today and I'm just trying to act as normal as possible. I can't remember the last time I actually cried but the responses I've had confirming that I need to get out have just made me feel really emotional.

I've had a look at where I could go locally, I'll make a few calls when I get chance. There's nowhere I can go at work that is discreet today so I'll wait until I get an opportunity tomorrow when I know that there are some staff out of the office.

I want to meet them without him knowing so that I can put myself in the best position x

the responses I've had confirming that I need to get out have just made me feel really emotional

Why @Anon468 ? Is it because you don't want to leave, or because it's good to see that people can hear you, and that they agree with you?

Walking on eggshells as you aren't sure what you say will trigger an outburst and the subsequent silent treatment is abuse.
I hope you manage to get the help you mentioned in your recent post💐

Try not to rush into any decisions.
Take your time to work out a plan of action. Above all keep your thoughts to yourself.
Don’t blurt out your possible plans to him in a moment of tension, if you are really intending to separate from him.
Get all your ducks in a row before you give him any inkling.
Arrange to see a solicitor, maybe in a different town.
Start to separate your finances.
As someone earlier suggested could you find other child care for your son? sell it to Dh as giving him more free time to ease the burden on him.
You aren’t alone there are lots of sympathetic ears on here, (plus a few of the other sort).
Be strong and brave, I wish you all the luck in the world.

@MinervatheGreat if this ever turned into a criminal or custody case, which in my case it has, you are extremely vulnerable and don't have a leg to stand on with no evidence. Recording everything and keeping an evidence log is imperative. My ex eventually turned his vile behaviour onto my children when they got older, never underestimate these nasty creatures and protect yourself OP. Especially because he is a Jekyll and Hyde!

@watchkeys I've just kept it to myself for such a long time and hidden it away from the small amount of family I have. Just feeling validated and hearing from other people that this is not okay has just made me feel emotional. I've built up a bit of a wall really, self preservation I suppose and I've not let myself get upset over this. I don't want to put up with this anymore and people have made some really kind comments and I think all of the hurt is just flooding out now!

There's some good advice here. I think I'm going to do exactly that. I need a proper plan and I need to get things prepared. I'm not going to tell him because I need to get myself in a better position for when I do

His behaviour is downright abusive, and if he kicks off like that again, screaming and shouting at you when your dc is in the house - call the police.

This cannot go on, and I don't see why you need to leave your home, he should.

Im afraid this is where I am too. I am increasingly weary of women making excuses about why they can't leave these deadbeat abusive men. Stop putting yourself and your son through this abuse. Un-intertwine your lives and leave. You must know that his behaviour is not ok.

Increasingly weary?? What an odd thing to say. Thanks for the advice.

Are you for real? This isn't bumps in the road of a marriage....it's an abusive twat of a man making his partners life a misery. There is no compromise or give and take with men like this.

@Anon468 I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep posting for support, especially when you have a wobble.

This is where Mumsnet is amazing. There are people on here with excellent advice and who have gone through it themselves. And the rest of us will be your cheerleaders when you need us.

Sending you strength and support x

I think what the PP means is that it is an everyday occurrence on this board that women who are in your position say that the children can't hear/aren't there/don't know. But they can, and they are, and they do. Children also pick things up under the surface - they are magnets for what is hidden. (I speak as a former psychotherapist, and a child from a home where there was coercive control.)

I know it's not your fault that this is a ubiquitous statement on Relationships, but perhaps what you can take from it is that your child DOES know, whether or not he can articulate this to you - or even to himself. He is learning from his environment.

Poor, poor you. I have gone through this and I know how badly it can effect you. Your husband is a bully and his behaviour is abusive.

If one spouse is upset and the other asks what’s wrong, normal behaviour is they tell you what’s wrong. Nothing difficult in that. You don’t go off on one, and shout, swear and call the other spouse names. He’s got annoyed, but still not told you what hes decided that you did wrong. As others have said he’s training you to never question his actions or moods.

I am in the middle of divorcing and even today I am trying to write an email to my stbxh. He won’t use a solicitor for himself and has now said he refuses to talk to my solicitor as he wants to discuss things directly with his wife (me).

My ex is an entitled bully and I am scared of his anger and I need a buffer between me and him. But even now I don’t feel I can tell him this. Anything I write that even implies that he is not the paragon of goodness and kindness that he thinks he is, will be met with anger and insults. I’ve been so indoctrinated and brainwashed by him that I find it impossible to stick up for myself. Even if I try and tell him how I feel, as calmly and (usually apologetically) as I can, he will instantly tell me to fuck off and say that I was ‘brutal’ to him.

Please reach out for help to anyone and everyone. There’s Womens Aid, Domestic Abuse charities, CAB etc. please tell some friends or family. Like you, my stbxh was never like this in front of others. Verbal abuse is accepted as domestic abuse. And you are being abused.

Is there any therapy available through your work? I really needed the validation from a trained and experienced mental health expert. My therapist told me that my husband has narcissistic traits. Please look that up and see if it rings true.

I agree keep your powder dry until you have made your decision. Plan, and then tell him only after have decided.

If you do consider divorce, look up Wikivorce and speak to a solicitor. Talk to your GP.

Try to record him if you can, but also keep a journal and write down the arguments when they are fresh in your mind.

In the meantime, you may need to learn to Grey Rock in order to protect yourself. Look up the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Best of luck.

"He's never hurt me physically but he has broken and damaged my things before"

This is also an example of domestic violence. Its but a small step also from breaking your things into physically harming you. He is showing you this all too clearly.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. He cannot afford to grow up thinking that his dad's example of how he treats you is how he will treat women.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing and or able to go to a branch of Boots the chemist if you are in the UK and ask for ANI?. Some other chemists are also signed up to this scheme. This is an acronym for Action Needed Immediately and the staff there will direct you to domestic violence support services. I would also try and contact Womens Aid too; they also have a chat facility. Abuse like described thrives on secrecy; time to start busting this wide open now.

Yes, weary. It's so frustrating hearing women repeatedly say they can't leave, is it that bad, the children aren't aware etc etc. You CAN leave, it IS that bad and the children ARE aware. If people were aware that your children are in a household where the father is yelling, chucking things, breaking things and all other manner of abusive behaviour, then you do realise that social services would be involved. That's how bad it is.