Advice - I don't think this behaviour is okay?

[Anon468]

Hi,

It's taken some courage to type this out and ask for advice because I just feel like I can't ask anyone in real life. I don't think my Husbands behaviour is right but it's gone on for so long now that he's made me feel like it's normal, like it's my fault. I just feel so incredibly low.

This is an example of how our arguments typically play out. last night he came home with our son at 7:30pm. He works part time, he does the school pick ups / drop offs and I was at work late. He regularly complains and is moody about how difficult his days are. I would love to swap and work pt but it's not possible for us financially. I most definitely pull my weight at home and I have quite a hectic stressful job. He was very snappy with me last night so after I had taken our son to bed I said to him that he had been quite snappy with me today. I didn't say it in a confrontational way at all. He just exploded, he said I was 'taking the piss out of him' he was swearing at me, calling me names , he said I was a F-ing tosser, idiot etc. I just didn't say a word. I walked off and started tidying up etc. He had cooked our tea whilst I sorted bedtime and so he had put it put on a tray in the living room where we usually watch tv and eat together. I picked it up and he said where are you going, I said I just want to sit by myself. Then he exploded again, he was slamming things, he threw his food in the bin, he was swearing, he stormed out the house and got into the car. He disappeared and came home at 11:15pm and slept downstairs. He hasn't spoken a word to me
today and will ignore me now for the next few days, this is the usual pattern.

If I asked to speak to him about the above, it would just be an awful experience so I don't bother anymore. I just ride it out and wait until he ends the silent treatment and carry on as normal. If we talk then he typically just talks at me and I can't get a word in. He continually talks about how my behaviour has upset him and he uses this as a reason to justify his reactions. He doesn't see that his behaviour is inappropriate, he just seethes about it all believing that it's me that has caused it and I'm unappreciative of all that he does. This is usually what it all comes back to and he says things like 'I'm just going to stop doing what I do'.

on another day I might have got away with my original comment but you never can tell. This is just one example, there are hundreds of others I could give. He's said some pretty awful things to me over the years.

I would like to know what others think. If you made it this far through my post then thank you.

I think it is possible for children not to be aware of things like this going on. I was in a marriage like this - I left twenty-odd years ago when my children were 6 and 9 and for years I wondered how much they’d heard or seen and how much damage it had caused. Since they’ve become adults we’ve talked about it and they say (honestly) that they weren’t aware of anything at the time. They didn’t notice daddy not speaking directly to mummy for days on end, daddy’s temper tantrums when he’d chuck stuff about, didn’t notice daddy calling mummy vile names not quite under his breath (or that daddy liked wearing women’s clothes, but that’s an entirely different story…🙄). They say that because their childhood and our family home seemed idyllic - although it was very far from it most of the time - they couldn’t quite understand why we left. They know much more now, of course, and can understand why I mad the decision I did.

I tried for as long as I could to make things right, but it can’t just be one-sided and I know leaving was the right thing to do. If I could go back there, knowing what I do now, I’d still do the same - the only difference is this time I’d get a better divorce lawyer from the start.

Get out of this marriage OP. Get wrap around childcare in place and go see a solicitor. Try to record his outbursts but always put your own safety first.

You deserve so much better than this.

The poster saying her children were unaware is unusual. My parents had a similar marriage to yours and I would lie in bed and cry from a very young age.

If he doesn't do this in front of other people you have your answer - even he knows it's unacceptable behaviour. If he thought it was ok he'd do it in front of your son or other adults. He's 'choosing' to act this way

Nowhere have I claimed in any of my posts that my son is completely unaware, I've said he doesn't behave like this in front of him. I haven't said that I can't leave him either. I came here to seek advice and support, if it's frustrating for some then I don't understand why even bother commenting or reading?

There's some good advice and some really nice comments too. I just feel quite vulnerable right now and I don't think I can switch off from some of the more negative comments. Its just making me feel more guilty and useless.

Ive emailed some solicitors to arrange a meeting and I have also enquired about some support. I am going to put together a plan. Thanks everyone for your help

My comments have been pretty harsh and I'm sorry if they've made you feel worse. Sincere apologies. My anger is directed really towards the seemingly endless number of vile abusive men. I know all too well how difficult it can be to leave but with men like this, it really is your only option unless you want to end up permanently anxious, lonely, upset and unstable.

My heart goes out to you Anon468

Does your employer offering counselling support ? Might be worth checking

I don't think it is possible. I have worked with adults who only start remembering or appreciating the dysfunction in what had, until therapy, been as normal to them as the air they breathed. Our unconscious is powerful beyond our ability to know. We hold so much that we cannot consciously recall, and these hidden recollections can come out in ways other than in memory: in our bodies, in disease, in tics, in repeating patterns of behaviour that we cannot explain or easily change, in parapraxes (slips).

This is absolutely NOT to lay blame at anyone's feet. But, no, as adults we can never fully hide our relationship issues from our children.

People need to be very aware about what they're saying. OP needs her confidence building up, not knocking down.

It is very unusual to leave at the first red flag or the first sign of abuse.

You know he’s abusive, you know there’s a much better far more peaceful life for you without him. So now you can start planning.
Speak to a solicitor if you can.
Divorce is no blame now. You can initiate divorce proceedings just because you don’t want to stay married.
Be prepared for 50/50 custody ( not the up to date term but you know what I mean)
Once you are away from the abuse your attitude changes, you can see it all a lot more clearly. I became much more assertive.

Start planning. Do NOT let him know any of your plans.
Good luck, stay strong.