Emotional affair man, learning my lesson the hard way

[freckledlegs]

I need to talk to someone about this, and I have name changed. I think I am just working out what has happened in my life in recent years and what my situation is.

I was in a long, toxic marriage and started having a close set of regular exchanges with a (distant) divorced colleague. Things really accelerated and I found it intoxicating. Though it was not sexual, the volume and regularity made it feel like we were crossing lines, and I mentioned it to him. I felt from his responses and the fact we decided to continue that we were falling in love, really. We felt so joined and intense. When I left my marriage (which was always the right thing) I sought him out and we began a relationship, which I'm still in.

Except. Being in a relationship with him is very different. He has not said he loves me at all (in two years) and backs off now from any intense feelings of emotion. He will not talk about the idea that we fell in love before, and insists that we were 'just close friends.' Meanwhile (and this is worse) we have clashes about the numerous other women who he likes to text and be emotionally close to via messages. He initally said they were normal female friends but after a big row he now doesn't mention them to me, but I know he's doing it covertly. Especially one woman who he used to tell me about before we got together. They slept with each other once and now message all the time. If I mention it he says I am controlling and loses his temper.

I am beginning to put the picture together and with sadness in my heart realise he may not be as good a man as I thought. Does anyone have any comments or experience? Why would a man act like this? I have said to him if he is in love with one of these other women he should go, but he says he isn't and I genuinely think he likes the current setup. But why?

what’s the physical relationship like?

presumably this is long distance so mainly conducted virtually?

He will not talk about the idea that we fell in love before

but you say he’s never told you he loved you even before you ended your marriage

No that's right, he's never said he loves me. What I'm saying is that it felt so much like falling in love I didn't question it.

Physical relationship is very good. We're mid distance, we do see each other. He just likes texting.

I actually don't think he'd physically cheat. It's just the other stuff.

well he didn’t lead you up the garden path then

even in the early intoxicating days he never told you he’d loved you

how often do you see him?

Once every ten days or so.

He’s a bit of a fantasist. Likes the idea of intimacy but runs a mile in real life.

those messages provide a dopamine hit in a way that living with a partner doesn’t.

im not sure of the dynamics of the relationship but why spend a 2 year relationship with someone you are not in love with? ( I suppose that’s what you’re asking).

I mean haven’t you had any conversation about the future? Feelings for each other? If he hasn’t said I love you by now, it’s a red flag. He doesn’t love you, or possibly does but is too messed up to deal with it. Either way - no good.

this guy helped you get out a bad relationship, so thanks him for that and move on. Your assumptions are correct.

i imagine he never ever ever thought you’d leave your marriage over messaging

His behaviour did lead me up the path I think, just as he now leads others up it.

I didn't leave it over messaging! No, I had to have other help, it was a v bad one.

When I left my marriage (which was always the right thing) I sought him out and we began a relationship, which I'm still in.

you “sought” him out?

it was all virtual
he never told you he loved you

you ended your marriage. he was already divorced.
You sought him out

Thank you @Orangejuggler that is useful

I found reading other threads about this useful and maybe others will find mine useful.

@shewasrooting yes, I was very naive

during the messaging

was getting together in RL ever discussed?

and what do you mean you “sought him out”

before ending your marriage… had you ever met him in RL?

Oh yes I'd very much met him all the time, we were close friends as well as sometimes working together.

It was like being friends, but with an undeniable other quality from both parties. Anyway, I wanted help thinking about my situation now and what to do/expect.

and during all these meet ups you say it was “never sexual” and he never said he wanted a relationship or that he loved you or that he wanted sex?

well clearly you read way too much in to it
pinned a lot of hope on him
and it hasn’t panned out

ask him “look be straight with me - do you see a future because this isn’t great really, is it?”

Some adult men never grow out of being a teenager which is how he's acting to be honest, he loved all the passion until you got together and then reality hits, but he still needs the 'passion' somewhere else and that's what he'll do, always unfortunately. This isn't an adult relationship and never will be, as has been said, he got you away from a toxic marriage but don't go from the frying pan to the fire, I think you need to let this one go and I also think you know this already. People like him don't know or want a one to one fulfilling relationship, it's not exciting enough. He won't mean a word he says to these other women, and there will be many, just like a teenager getting high on a first day. To be fair, he never told you he loves you and that's to his credit but it's time to put the teenager to bed and find an adult man or give yourself a break for a while to find yourself.

As the pp said above. He likes the high, not the relationship

i think posters are missing

there was nothing sexual pre getting together at all
He never said he loved the Op
following end of marriage the Op “sought” him out

@shewasrooting It wasn’t quite like that, I just mean we got together a normal way in the end — mutually