Emotional affair man, learning my lesson the hard way

[freckledlegs]

I need to talk to someone about this, and I have name changed. I think I am just working out what has happened in my life in recent years and what my situation is.

I was in a long, toxic marriage and started having a close set of regular exchanges with a (distant) divorced colleague. Things really accelerated and I found it intoxicating. Though it was not sexual, the volume and regularity made it feel like we were crossing lines, and I mentioned it to him. I felt from his responses and the fact we decided to continue that we were falling in love, really. We felt so joined and intense. When I left my marriage (which was always the right thing) I sought him out and we began a relationship, which I'm still in.

Except. Being in a relationship with him is very different. He has not said he loves me at all (in two years) and backs off now from any intense feelings of emotion. He will not talk about the idea that we fell in love before, and insists that we were 'just close friends.' Meanwhile (and this is worse) we have clashes about the numerous other women who he likes to text and be emotionally close to via messages. He initally said they were normal female friends but after a big row he now doesn't mention them to me, but I know he's doing it covertly. Especially one woman who he used to tell me about before we got together. They slept with each other once and now message all the time. If I mention it he says I am controlling and loses his temper.

I am beginning to put the picture together and with sadness in my heart realise he may not be as good a man as I thought. Does anyone have any comments or experience? Why would a man act like this? I have said to him if he is in love with one of these other women he should go, but he says he isn't and I genuinely think he likes the current setup. But why?

Sorry, that was me! Name change fail x

Yes, it's not clear to me what the OP means by 'in a relationship' -- are they still living at a distance, if they only see one another every ten days, after two years? It sounds as if the original text exchanges prompted the OP to end her marriage, and she assumed the next step was to start a relationship with this man she'd felt so connected to while still married, thinking they had a connection, but it turns out he does the same thing with everyone? He's never said he was in love with her, either before or after the marriage ended. It's hard to know how much of the issue is that the OP simply misinterpreted the original flirtatious friendship as a sign he was falling in love and would have acted had she been free...

so you did you say you “sought” him out

presumably he knew that you were leaving your marriage and when you had done so - if you were so deeply close

Yes he did know. What is prompting people to query every aspect of that bit? I posted for help and maybe support.

so if he knew
why did you have to be the one “sought” him out

had he not indicated that this development may herald a proper relationship between two of you?

People are trying to figure out how much of this tangle was your subjective interpretation of the situation eg you say you felt you were 'falling in love' once you'd raised the idea that your exchanges 'crossed a line', but it turns out this was just your feeling, not one he shared them (or apparently now?)

Is it possible he fees guilty at having contributed to you ending your marriage?

Thanks to the posters contributing helpful insights

No, I don't think he felt guilty. It was its own unfolding situation over many years. We're now in what looks like a normal relationship, I'm just trying to work out my feelings about it.

I'm sure he likes you a lot- the problem is he finds this texting around a fun and entertaining activity and you are no longer a challenge - and want a bit more than the flirty fun it initially was - just bin him .

good luck OP. my view… you read far far too much in to this. this chap really doesn’t seem to have misled you. you see each other infrequently. just move on

And about his character, I suppose, which I think some pp have nailed. The relationship is ok, it's just I think I slightly misunderstood what kind of man he is and how he gets his thrill.

As someone else said he likes the ego boost and 'the high' - he actually isn't really interested in a conventional relationship - sorry OP

I agree that he likes the flirtation and thrill of the chase more than an actual relationship and because of you being in a dead relationship, you’ve read too much into this emotional bit of fun.

In your shoes, I would cut my loses and be single for a while

He likes the thrill of text exchanges with multiple women and doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He's not ready to be in love with anyone in the way you want him to OP. You've done the right thing by yourself in leaving your marriage - don't throw the next section of your life away on this man who isn't ready to be in love with you.

OP, do you believe you are in an exclusive relationship, sexually?

Evidently it's not exclusive socially and probably emotionally, if he's regularly texting other women.

Do you know what he's doing in the days and nights you're not with him?

@freckledlegs I know a lady , she's fun and attractive and really enjoyed on line dating and the thrill of texting- it was her go to every evening as entertainment- did she actually want a relationship?? Not really- she liked her single mum set up - but always liked to feel she still 'had it' it was pure fun for her

I can’t get my head around just assuming someone’s in love with you despite them never saying it. You can have frequent, enjoyable and intense chats with friends and it still be platonic. If it wasn’t sexual or flirtatious and he never said he loved you it sounds like you made up a fantasy in your head.

Maybe these other women are just close friends or maybe he enjoys having several women swooning over him and leading them on. Hard to say without knowing the content of the conversations. You’re “mid distance” and see each other but he prefers texting and it’s been two years and he’s never said he loves you - sounds like you’re more of an FWB than a relationship.

I feel compassion for you, I can see that when in a toxic marriage this kind of flattery and dopamine rush would be very alluring and desperately compelling.
Unfortunately, he's always been himself. Him messaging you so much it seemed to cross a line (but not quite) is something he does with lots of other women, you may not have been unique in that regard. You read into it more then was there and now are bitterly disappointed but in actual fact he never had more to offer. People like him are unwilling to have a relationship unfolding real emotional intimacy. That's why this kind of arms length thing is enough for them. They're terrified of and unable to do the thing you want which is a normal, living relationship. I'm so sorry you've had to discover this belatedly and painfully. Similar happened to me and I wasted over two years on the man.

Google avoidant attachment (but as a means to leave him, not change him) and look up The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube who has lots of videos about this sort of situation. I'm glad you're out of what sounds like a very bad marriage and I'd urge you to see counselling to work on your self esteem and build you up again so you are attracted to a different kind of person. You can do it! Good luck ☺️

Yes, you were messaging him and if your truthful to yourself he probably did play a small part in you leaving your relationship (along with any other factors). I think it would be natural for you to seek him out afterwards with a hope that things could progress with you both after the closeness of the messaging.

To me it looks like he's having his cake and eating it too. He's messaging other women but sleeping with you every couple of weeks. He's been careful not to promise you anything or say I love you.

To be honest I don't think anyone is a fault here for their behaviour because it doesn't look like a 'where's this going' conversation has been had but its time to.

Bingo! Just read this and agree with every word.

I don't think this is a relationship, he doesn't want the same things that you do, and he's obviously happy to continue his texts to other women, without any commitment. I would file this under 'finished' and find yourself someone emotionally available.

Where on earth does he get all this time from to text… but anyway. He’s bored, lonely, likes the chase, the attention, gets bored again and NEXT.
Why are you giving him your time, he’s already hurt you. Why on earth would anyone even want him! He’s a toad. Toss him back to the pond.

Raise your standards and the other women must be pretty desperate, but they may not know about the others yet, you do. Men do this and get away with it because women seem so desperate to have a man around.

It’s a rare this situation ever happens to men.

Could some people try to be a bit gentler in their tone, I haven't done anything wrong and am feeling vulnerable.

I understand what you mean
You thought you had this special connection and it was mutually very intense at an emotional level.
You became single and decided to give it a proper go. but now you’re together properly, he’s changed towards you. And you’ve realised it’s a pattern of behaviour for him, to get that thrill, the intimacy from a distance. Plus he’s almost gaslighting acting like it never was that intense back then.

im sorry OP. I think you can do better. You gave it a go with him but the emotional connection isn’t what you thought it was and he is pursuing that with others. Time to move on. And thank you for sharing, I can relate to some of what you’ve said and it’s a useful cautionary tale.

you were very unhappy and alone and you read far too much in to this op