Emotional affair man, learning my lesson the hard way

[freckledlegs]

I need to talk to someone about this, and I have name changed. I think I am just working out what has happened in my life in recent years and what my situation is.

I was in a long, toxic marriage and started having a close set of regular exchanges with a (distant) divorced colleague. Things really accelerated and I found it intoxicating. Though it was not sexual, the volume and regularity made it feel like we were crossing lines, and I mentioned it to him. I felt from his responses and the fact we decided to continue that we were falling in love, really. We felt so joined and intense. When I left my marriage (which was always the right thing) I sought him out and we began a relationship, which I'm still in.

Except. Being in a relationship with him is very different. He has not said he loves me at all (in two years) and backs off now from any intense feelings of emotion. He will not talk about the idea that we fell in love before, and insists that we were 'just close friends.' Meanwhile (and this is worse) we have clashes about the numerous other women who he likes to text and be emotionally close to via messages. He initally said they were normal female friends but after a big row he now doesn't mention them to me, but I know he's doing it covertly. Especially one woman who he used to tell me about before we got together. They slept with each other once and now message all the time. If I mention it he says I am controlling and loses his temper.

I am beginning to put the picture together and with sadness in my heart realise he may not be as good a man as I thought. Does anyone have any comments or experience? Why would a man act like this? I have said to him if he is in love with one of these other women he should go, but he says he isn't and I genuinely think he likes the current setup. But why?

And no you haven’t done anything wrong 💐

I think a lot of posters are missing the point of your post. You're not happy with the current set up, understandably. He is happy to keep you at arms length and meet up for physical side. If you want more, have a direct calm chat about your future with him. He doesn't seem keen to change. So what will you do if he refuses to change your set up? Prepare to be single and to meet someone else to have a real relationship with? Continue your arrangement with him while you start sorting out your head and perhaps going back into the dating pool? He is having his cake and eating it so perhaps you should too. Enjoy his company and the 'relationship' for what it is until you are ready to move on. Men do it all the time. Think of it as having helped ease and support you out of a bad marriage and keep you company while you adjusted. He is not the fairytale happy ever after man, but that's ok, once you are clear on that and what you actually want/need.

@freckledlegs ignore the harsh posters- we've all done things that felt right at the time but simply didn't work out. I left my first marriage and was with someone new within 7 weeks, moved 70 miles to live with him after 3 months- turned out he was an OCD fantasist with champagne tastes and beer money wages- took me 4 years to save up enough and get out - this guy won't see that he has led you on because it sounds like he promised you nothing - you wanted to fill a space in your emotions and time and after a toxic relationship it's really really easy to fall into that trap- it's not the person specifically as the very pleasant feelings they can bring to the surface and have been lying dormant for a long while

I'm sorry some people are a bit mean. They don't make allowances for the fact that everyone is fallible, even themselves.

It is great you got out of the horrible marriage. If this man was the catalyst, great. However he sounds like he is not emotionally reliable - certainly not emotionally reliable enough for someone who has come out of a toxic (abusive?) relationship. I think you were mistaken about what he was like and what the relationship was while you were making the relationship. I'm sure he helped you along with this misunderstanding! All very exciting. But now you can see what he is like and what he can give you, I think unless you're happy with something v casual and non committal, you should end the relationship.

OP,

It doesn't sound like this relationship has a lot of long term prospect, but I also think that's ok.

It helped you find the emotional pull to get out of a terrible relationship. It really doesn't have to be the next big chapter of your life.

You obviously needed to free yourself and it's great that you did.

Maybe now you could choose to spend some time alone, enjoy the freedom and growth you can get from being single, and then in time meet someone who is a great match.

Sounds like he's a serial "in it for the thrill" type. That said, you must realise that ling term/regular relationships are nothing like intense long distance ones and nothing like internet relationships.

Time to consider moving on. Why swop one bad relationship for another.

I think some people enjoy the potential of a thing vs the reality of it. They like the idea of where something might go, the ‘will we won’t we’ and maybes of a flirtation / attraction / intimate friendship. Sounds like he’s far more into that part than actually connecting in a real relationship.

You’ve done nothing wrong as i’m sure the feeling was there between both of you - but you were expecting it to translate and develop into something solid and a genuine connection and he was kind of in his happy place with the ‘maybe’.

Id end it honestly.

Does this guy see himself in a relationship with you on the same way you see it OP? It’s just from your posts I wonder if he sees you as more of a casual FWB and not an exclusive partner?

That's the confusion of it @SamW98 -- he has introduced me to everyone and is very clear with all that I'm his partner.

OP, he set the trap and let you fall in.
Now you are wiser.
Just send him a text saying goodbye and best luck and never see or text him again.
He will try to stir you back to him, but I reckon he shall not even work hard at tjis. Just set another little trap and hope you fall in again.
Not worthy your time OP.

@user1471465748 that is a useful way of thinking of it, thanks

This sounds eerily similar to a man I know. I don’t suppose he’s in the police OP?

No, not the police.

Sorry if I sounded harsh - typing fast!

people can be very judgemental. Don’t take it to heart. Lots of people seem to forget that they’re also human and would probably act in the same way in the same situation ( even if they kid themselves otherwise)

id also add that IRL the most judgemental people are often the ones who end up doing exactly what they criticise others for doing…

Are some people not familiar with the term "to seek someone out"? It means that you look for/approach someone, rather than e.g. them coming to you.

OP, after my marriage ended, the first fling I had felt very intense, too, even though my rational brain knew full well that the man in question was a lovebomber and his dodgy behaviour suggested that he was chatting up/had chatted up multiple women. It was just really lovely having someone be nice to me. Fortunately I was just looking for some fun, so I didn't get hurt, but you were clearly hoping for more. Classic rebound.

The lovebomber also introduced me to friends of his. I think he does that to gain the women's trust - some time after we broke up, he brought a date to a party I'd asked him to, and I realised I was now being used as "cover" - I wasn't going to approach this woman during the party and warn her off, so I appeared to be corroborating his story that he was just a nice, normal guy, not a serial dater.

Take the positive out of this encounter - you've had some emotionally meaningful conversations that helped you at the time.
No need to accuse this guy of anything or complain about his behaviour: if the relationship is no longer giving you what you need, then end it. Work on improving your life for a bit then look for something more satisfying.

Yes I see what you mean, it sounds very similar. I'm heartened that other people have made mistakes in similar contexts.

I get it OP. I had once of these for many years, except it was sexual a few times. I doubt you imagined the connection prior to the relationship, even if it wasn’t authentic on his part. It’s all part of the thrill I reckon.

I think they enjoy the ego boost and dopamine rush as PPs have said, while keeping at an emotional distance, and I think this type of man has many women on the go whether virtually or in person. I don’t know how they do it as I have neither the time nor energy.

I was never that invested until we started meeting up again, and then I got hurt even though I knew he was a twat all along.

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like this relationship is right for you, which must be really disappointing because I expect you envisioned so much more from him and now there’s a disconnect between the person you thought you knew and the person he is. This is the problem with conducting these things virtually (and presumably years ago via letters). Your mind fills in the gaps with fantasies instead of who somebody actually is.

Personally I would start trying to get the ick about this guy. I mean, for starters, it’s a bit tragic he has all these female pen pals don’t you think?

You've made me laugh @Somatosensational! Yes, it is a bit sad.

I think I quite like pp's idea of keeping my options open and not taking it too seriously (as he isn't), but the problem I've had is that feels so disloyal to the idea I initially had. Like, if he was my meant-to-be then of course neither of us would be one foot out, that would be heartbreaking. You're helping me face the reality of the situation.

The lovebomber I met was not well endowed or great in bed and I wonder if he chats women up to prove something to himself.

When you’re coming out of a marriage you are vulnerable whether you realise it or not. This guy enjoys the emotional manipulation that he has with a few women from what you say. I would cut contact and see what he does. My guess is that you won’t hear from him again. Move on slowly with people you can have fun with and down the line when you are ready find someone who deserves you.